Today I am grateful for being able to recognize when things aren’t right with myself (see the next section) and to be able to try and fix it. I was able to get some errands done yesterday and I bought myself some books. I started reading one that has absolutely hooked me and I will be sharing that with you soon.
Today I am grateful for completely shutting off my mind. I’ve been in overdrive (again) and this time I actually feel myself getting closer and closer to burnout. I’m not myself, I’m snippy and curt, and I’m tired all the time. We had some business to take care of yesterday and my right eye started going completely blurry in the periphery. It sent me into a panic attack. I haven’t been taking care of myself or my home very well. I haven’t been able to cope with basics like taking a shower—it has been too much effort. So, for today, I gave in. There is no amount of pushing that would have made me feel like I accomplished anything. I sat and watched TV after playing in the snow with my son. That was it. I did shower a bit later, but that was it.
Today I am grateful for finding some resonance and some words for what I’ve been feeling. This new book I started reading has expressed exactly what I’ve been going through in ways that I couldn’t articulate. For as isolated as I’ve been, reading these pages makes me feel like there are people who really do understand.
Today I am grateful for my body. It has been telling me for some time now that I need to make changes (which I have been working on) and it keeps me going. It is so challenging to make changes when your mind isn’t in the right place. We feel lonely or lost and we end up doing things we are familiar with to ease the uncertainty of not knowing. My body is doing a great job of keeping me focused and reminding me when I get off track.
Today I am grateful to consider other ways of having to do things. I’ve noticed my impact on others lately, namely my family. My husband is using phrases that I normally do and he’s aggravated about things he would normally let go. My son is doing the same thing and I see his frustration to adequately express what he is really feeling. At first I was mad at myself. Now I know it is a chance for me to be a better example. Sometimes we don’t realize how much people are watching.
Today I am grateful for my animals. Yes, they drive me insane 70% of the time, but I love their fuzzy butts. Today is one of my cat’s fifth birthday. This guy is really special–he definitely picks up on the subtle things when I’m not feeling well—things the humans in my life don’t see. He’s a Maine Coon and they have a certain bond with their humans that isn’t really like other cats. Sometimes that unspoken understanding is all we need—even if it’s from an animal.
Today I am grateful to have made it. I’m tired and I’m raw, but I’m here. I’m breathing and I have a purpose even when I have no clue what that may be. I’m grateful to have a chance to try again. Most days feel like a crap shoot—I have no idea what it’s going to be like. I used to go through life thinking there was a certain age when you had it figured out. No one does. Not really anyway. Some people are closer than others, but no one has the secret formula. So I am grateful for each day I have to choose to do something right for me. To feel better. We all have that choice.
Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.