“We all have our own paths and when we leave it to pick and choose from someone else’s, we lose our own sense of direction,” Rachel Wolchin.  This has weighed heavily on my mind for a few days.  As I look at my life, I see how much of it is not my own.  Not that it was forced on me, but that I made it a hodge podge mess of the pieces I collected from those around me.  I was so afraid to get in touch with who I am at my core that I never bothered looking there to see who I am.  Now, I’m not saying that the pieces I took don’t resonate with me—I am saying that they aren’t FULLY me. 

For me, the blending in and assimilating other people’s likes and dislikes (and sometimes appropriating them…sorry) started when I entered kindergarten.  Two things happened: 1. I was the youngest in my family so I took my lessons from my elder siblings as a way to get through the day.  2. I was bullied about my height from the time I entered school so, as a defense mechanism, I tried desperately to find ways to relate to others, even if it meant being exactly like them.  I wanted to be liked, to fit in.  Both of those things are simply human nature—we learn from those around us and we will do what we have to in order to be accepted.

The trouble was I never learned to STOP doing that.  The bullying never stopped so I always adapted to not stand out.  And it didn’t work so I fell deeper and deeper into the identities of those around me.  Anything to get the attention off of myself.  As the pattern continued, I lost touch with any sense of self.  It felt like I was in survival mode all the time.  When you’re trying to survive, you’re not thriving, and you’re certainly not connected to any intuition that will guide you on your next step.  At least, that is how I got off my own path. 

The first step for me was realizing that I was still taking from other people.  Ironically, the reminder came up recently while we were looking at houses.  As we’ve been through so many different places, two habits of mine have consistently shown up: 1. There are certain design elements that I really like and I consistently point them out if they show up in each house.  2. There are certain unique design elements I’m seeing that are specific to these people that I feel myself drawn to…and thinking about how I would like to do that.  Not that I want to carry it into my house, but that I start feeling like I want to live in the house just as they have it.  That is where I have to stop myself.  Just because they’ve adapted something to their taste doesn’t mean I would be able to do the same thing—or even that I would like it.

When we stop picking from other people, we start showing what is really us.  For someone who has tried to blend most of her life, it can be scary to reveal what is really inside.  But the only way to find our unique path is to stop straddling two lanes, stop looking to others for the answer, get quiet and let go of the fear.  Personally, I’m starting with stopping.  It doesn’t feel good picking from other people anymore.  It doesn’t feel safe—it feels inauthentic.  It feels like I’m stifling what wants to be seen in my life.  That feels like a good place to start.  Recognizing what does feel good is the next step.  Letting go of the fear of other people’s opinions is after that…or maybe it should be first…or maybe I can do this how I want to regardless.  I’ll let you know 😊    

Saturday was a struggle emotionally, but not for the reasons my mind usually plays over and over.  Things have turned around quite a bit, so mentally, I’m feeling good.  I feel an openness I haven’t in a long time, I have a willingness to spend energy on things I normally don’t, I’m taking even bigger steps toward building the life I want.  In spite of all of that, Saturday left me incredibly drained.  My son was particularly demanding, and with a combination of bad habits we’ve given him as well as a tendency toward OCD, he’s been struggling with hearing “no” about anything lately.  We are in the process of moving and we aren’t able to be as liberal with the things he wants to do…and he is NOT taking it well.

I’m still in recovery mode and dealing with hormonal issues, so even if my mind is ready and willing, my body isn’t and I still tire very easily. I wore myself out after waking up really early, working, then moving things around in the garage while it was over 90 degrees outside. I didn’t have the energy to entertain my son after a while, so the tantrums were not helping at all.  I did not handle it well.  I felt like a complete failure because I lost my temper even after trying to explain the situation to him.  I looked up ways to speak to a toddler to help with the situation and it did NOTHING. 

I see so much of myself in my son and I’m working on healing my inner child through parenting him in ways I needed to be parented.  Some days are much better than others but there are days when I have no tolerance for the same habits and tendencies I have myself.  I worry that I’m causing him the same insecurities I have and I worry about what it will do to him in the future.  I hate seeing him hurt and I hate it even more when I have a role in causing him pain he doesn’t understand.  I know constantly giving in isn’t going to serve him either, so I’m trying to find a happy medium.  I hope that, in spite of the tantrums, he at least understands that I’m trying to explain things to him and that learning healthy boundaries early is a good thing.  I hope he knows (in the gentlest way possible) that the world isn’t always fair.  I hope he will know I’m doing the best I can with what I have right now.

At the same time, I know I need to remember that I am doing the best I can.  I’m working to be better physically and to give him what he really needs: attention, love, learning, joy, and memories with his mother.  I’m working on being less selfish and giving him the time with me he craves.  I want him to be secure in himself so I want to teach him self-sufficiency and using his mind.  I want him to explore the world and to use his imagination.  I believe he is craving the kind of attention I wanted as a child as well and I’m working to let go and do that.  He’s growing fast and I truly value the time I have with him—but I still need time for myself as well.  I hope that teaches him that we all need time for expression.

I know that once this move is over and we settle into our new life things will rearrange.  They will also settle into what we have been trying to accomplish and I know he will appreciate what we’ve done for him.  The nights of being told “no” to going shopping or to watching T.V. will make sense.  I know it hurts in the moment, and I feel terrible as well, but we will get through it.  We have a wonderful life and we are incredibly fortunate—we are simply shifting now.  Transitions can be bumpy but that doesn’t mean they’re bad.  For a toddler, I can imagine this is scary.  But I will do my best to love him and let him know he is supported no matter what we are doing.

Today I am grateful for where we are.  A few months ago I wasn’t sure how I would make it through the day and now we are preparing to move into our forever home.  I lost hope so many times along the way and genuinely thought I wasn’t going to get any father than where I was.  I had to make horrible decisions this year, I felt the pain of all of them, and I felt like a caged rat at times.  Things turn around when we least expect them to—and grateful isn’t even the right word.  It feels surreal and I know my life has changed.

Today I am grateful to break old habits.  I know if I want to make a different life I can’t carry the habits of the last 3+ decades with me.  I have a strong fear of money—not having enough or running out of it.  Regardless of any fact to the contrary, the fear is a low rumble in my mind.  Over the last few weeks, I’ve had to let that go.  I’ve had to release control of what I thought any transition in my life would look like and take it as it comes.  I will admit it feels incredibly liberating—a huge weight lifted as I stop the repetitive thoughts.  This still requires a ton of conscious effort because intrusive thoughts don’t fade that easily—and there’s no accounting for when they come.  But it feels good to take a step toward the light.

Today I am grateful for love.  I have been so blessed with an amazing support system in my life.  I am taking the time to make a much more conscious effort toward sharing love at every turn.  I used to be afraid of being taken advantage of or of not having my efforts reciprocated—but that isn’t love.  Love is a feeling we get to share, yes, but it is about how we feel in sharing that with others.  I’ve been given the opportunity to give back to those I love and I have every intention to give back as much as I can.

Today I am grateful for differences.  Differences in relationships can be scary.  Depending on what they are they can mean the end.  Other differences exist merely to show us that there are different ways to accomplish the same goal.  Communication is key in every circumstance otherwise the other person can feel blind-sided or like their opinion doesn’t matter.  It’s more important how you arrive at a decision together as opposed to who is right.  When one of you always feels like you’re right, someone will always feel left out and a relationship needs to be comprised of compromise.

Today I am grateful for recharging and how it looks different for everyone.  This is all about getting to know yourself and listening to what your body or mind is telling you.  We always have the opportunity to start over, it doesn’t matter what that break looks like.  Today we’ve been watching some of our favorite movies, we ran to the store, we set up a truck for our move, we napped, and we snacked.  We have a ton of work ahead of us so it was nice to just relax a bit.

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to share.  Sharing makes us vulnerable but it is the foundation of genuine connection.  It is how we show trust as we express who we are at our core and allow others to decide if they are on the same wavelength. It’s also how we determine if someone is on the same vibration as ourselves—it’s always a two way street.  It’s important to view reality as it is, not how we want it to be.  The only way we can do that is to share who we are, honestly, openly, and authentically.  We develop confidence by expressing our truth over and over again no matter what people think because we learn what is important to us deep down.

Today I am grateful for hope.  As the year turns to summer, we are heading into a very different season than what we cocooned into.  There are opportunities coming and it feels right to pursue those opportunities now.  Approaching the future with hope means knowing that life can always surprise us and that we need to be willing to let go, over and over again.  Letting go doesn’t mean giving up—it means accepting and going with it.  There have been many moments this year that I’ve wanted to give up and fall back to who I was, but the universe doesn’t have retreat in store for me.  Being pushed forward, no matter how uncomfortable, brings us what is meant in our lives. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.    

“When you learn to simply be, to live in your full nature, free from the dramas of the world, then you will find your true essence and purpose,” Brendon Burchard.  Living in your full nature takes a lot of work.  It means having the courage to go against the crowd in favor of what is right for you.  It means starting the business no one believes in but you—even if sometimes you’re not sure it will work either.  It means letting go of the distraction of what the world tells you to do, what you should do and doing what feels right to you.  It also means letting go of the distraction of those around you who aren’t serving your purpose.  I’m not suggesting not helping people, I’m talking about setting a boundary with the friend who is short on cash—again.  Or the friend who is out of the job—again.  Or spending some time apart from the friend who still lives with their mom.

I’ve mentioned many times that coming into yourself requires a level of honesty you haven’t experienced before.  It requires taking full ownership of things around you.  I struggle with taking ownership at times because it isn’t something I’m comfortable with.  My ego gets in the way because it is very quick to suggest, “This is NOT your fault, if they listened to you in the first place.”  It’s very easy for me to still believe that.  I’m still learning how to balance the cards when someone knocks the pot over without a childish or ego based response.  It’s hard! In those cases, it most certainly isn’t my fault—and I wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences if it wasn’t for that other person’s actions.  But the only thing I can do is deal with what happened, not what SHOULD have happened.

As challenging as it is to fight the ego’s natural response, I will fully admit it feels good to let that go.  It feels good to deal with the reality of the situation rather than the potential of it or even what it could have been.  Neither of the latter two cases are feasible because they aren’t reality.  When we firmly plant our feet where we are and take in the reality around us, we evaluate life differently.  Suddenly we don’t feel like a victim, and we don’t react, we respond.  There is power in response.  Response is thoughtful and strategic and comes from your center.

If we are responding, not reacting, we are connected to who we are.  If we are connected to who we are, we are engaged with source and more easily able to find our purpose.  Last year I talked about starting small—engage with something you’re curious about.  It doesn’t have to start out with a life-changing mission.  It can simply start with something you want to know more about.  It is often the questions that lead us to the next step.  “What if I could do X?” Try X.  “I wonder if that means I can do Y…” Try Y.  And so on and so on.  But you need to be clear and hear what your instincts are telling you.  That means not holding back either.  Don’t live a watered down version where you partially commit.  Fully engage with your life and don’t shy away from what people say.  That goes back to letting go of distraction in favor of what feels right.  As Marie Forleo says, “The world needs that special gift that you have,” so don’t ignore what you are being called to do.  Run out and find it.

“Take care of the vehicle that carries your soul,” Marie Forleo.  You’d think after the last 7 months with all of the health issues I’ve endured that this would be hard-wired into me.  It’s not like I don’t want to take care of myself, it’s just that the habits aren’t fully engaged.  I used to use the excuse it was hard to maintain being healthy while there was a ton of junk food in the house (which is true) but that only keeps me weak.  I need to develop the will power to stick with what is good for me, to be who I say I am.  I’m not happy with the way I’ve treated my body, especially over the last few weeks.  I absolutely let stress get the best of me and I let go of some of my practices that kept me in shape.  During the pregnancy, I was too sick to do anything and I was on infusions that curbed the nausea, but not enough to keep me mobile. 

Knowing I’m approaching 40 and this will only get harder in the future, I know I need to take care of myself.  I feel THAT in my soul.  I know that is part of taking care of myself as well—listening to what is in my soul.  My soul tells me to stop giving into the crap and to start looking at the perceived failures differently.  It outright tells me to take care of myself because I have a purpose here and I will need to be around for a while to fulfill it.  It tells me to break the generational habits of self-destruction disguised as not having time to care for self because others need me more—i.e. stop the martyrdom tactics.  It tells me to do something different and let go of my fears and LOVE myself.

There are signs from my body as well.  At the simplest level, I don’t feel good.  At the highest level, I know I need to do much better.  I have to stop giving into bad habits I used to comfort my ego and thicken up my skin to be the person I want to.  As we try to move to the next level, the universe tests us with ways to revert to what we know.  It takes a strong determination to stick with what we want over going with the familiar.

I’m very slowly learning the habits I want to incorporate because I’m looking at the life I want and what it will take to create it.  The actions I take don’t always serve that goal, so it’s time to change them.  There is nothing wrong with deciding that you no longer want to be who you were.  You just need the conviction to stick with it and do what it takes.  It’s a resolution to let go of what you thought it could be and accepting what is.  It’s taking action on what you can and letting the rest lie.  Taking care of self isn’t a chore, it’s a gift with responsibility.  We are meant to fulfill our purpose and that means being strong enough to let go of what we want in favor of what we need to do.  That means understanding our bodies are incredibly strong and can do more than we think, yet they are fragile and need to be handled with care.  Listen to what it’s telling you.

Misunderstanding emotion and bad communication.  My husband and I have come to terms with the fact that our lives are going in different directions in certain areas.  I celebrate growth and encourage that.  I want people to get in touch with who they are and share that, to feel that with complete abandon.  I’ve learned that I haven’t applied those values to my husband.  I never realized how much I expected him to conform to what I believed–and convinced myself that he already believed those things when he was just going along with them.  I’m angry with myself for not honoring who he is.  And I’m pained seeing how different we are now.  More pained that I deluded myself into thinking he was this person I built in my mind rather than who he is.  It wasn’t/isn’t healthy for either of us.

My husband is a fairly flexible person when it comes to our relationship.  He’s happy to go along with things and I misinterpreted that as him wanting the same things as me.  I’ve only recently learned that isn’t the case.  At first I was angry at him. Why didn’t he just tell me what he wanted?  I honestly ALWAYS asked him if he was ok, what he wanted to do, if he was happy with what we were building.  The answer was always yes or, “I’m fine with it.”  When we lost the baby, I noticed a subtle change in  him and I thought it was just the natural progression of grief.  Then we started looking for a house and this level of frustration I’ve never seen in him in 20 years together surfaced and caught me off guard.  Realizing I was part of the cause threw me for a loop.

We all have the capacity to do things we don’t realize hurt others, so I wasn’t shocked that some of my traits rubbed him the wrong way.  Finding out things in my core had ALWAYS bothered him is what threw me.  I felt lied to.  I felt resentful.  The things I had given up in order to be with him played through my mind and I was righteous in anger that he didn’t appreciate what I sacrificed to get him what he wanted.  It was a habit from the time we got together.  My insecurity and self-doubt led me to focus on getting him what he wanted and I lost myself in trying to appease him.  He was never satisfied.  He never learned to fish for himself because I became his provider.  He didn’t need a mother—he needed a partner.  I think he felt guilty because he knew what I was doing for him so his way of making me happy was to go along with the things I wanted.  So HE built resentment over time that he felt like he couldn’t express what he really wanted.    

Then I started thinking he had been wearing a false identity this whole time as well.  Did we even know each other?  That was the most disorienting part; the life I thought I was living didn’t exist.  It was all fake.  Made to look pretty and to get us through, but it wasn’t real.  Were the emotions we expressed real?  If we weren’t honest about who we are, how could we really love each other?  Was anything real?  We were both trying to please each other and not expressing what we really needed, so neither one of us were getting what we wanted and felt misheard by the other.  We loved each other enough to each wear a persona we thought would make the other happy.  Can we be brave enough to love each other as we really are?

The truth is, I don’t know.  We still have days where we are at each other’s throats but we are still trying to build a future together.  We are both willing to stick it out but we haven’t determined if it’s for the right reasons.  Is it love or is it the comfort of being with this person for 20 years?  Are we really on the same page and working toward the same thing?  Or are we still trying to please the other?  I will say, it was a relief seeing that his actions weren’t malicious—he was doing what he could to protect me and trying to make me happy.  He doesn’t hate me for it, he’s just tired of it.  And I don’t hate him for who he is, but my patience with him repeating the same mistakes over and over and ignoring how those mistakes impact the future is wearing really thin. 

We got together when we were kids and the simple fact is that we are older now.  We are evolving and sometimes evolution takes you on a different path, sometimes away from those you love.  I don’t believe we have fulfilled our purpose with each other but I do believe that we are going to have to learn to adapt.  Change is uncomfortable, but we get to decide what we want that to endure.  Do we endure it together or do we move on?  Sometimes we do things out of love, like change our responses to align with our partners.  It isn’t malicious, but it’s a sweet poison that we willingly drink that slowly decomposes us.  We have stopped drinking the poison of appeasing the other and are tasting the reality of who we are.  It was bitter at first, but I believe that it can be sweet eventually.  I can’t see the future, but I am willing to accept it.

Cheugy…This word started appearing in my feed a few weeks ago and I had no idea what it meant—generational gaps are now becoming more apparent as I age.  There just happened to be a random post about it today and it explained that it came up in 2013 from gen z describes things that are irrelevant or for people who try to hard.  Ok…so some random made up word has a sort of understandable meaning.  Then he presented some examples including a white dog with crusty eyes, patterned leggings, and adult Harry Potter fans.  A weird rage came over me, almost resentful.  I can’t believe this is a trend going around right now, continuing to label people and the things they like irrelevant.  The past year alone should have been enough to show us that time is too precious and life is too damn short to do anything other than what we love. Then the reasons why I got angry really hit me.

1. Why are we passing judgement on what brings people joy?  We weren’t talking about outdated software or a toaster that doesn’t work anymore.  We are talking about the little things that make people happy, some things that give them meaning in their lives.  If you feel the need to keep up and change your tastes according to time or who you’re with, you’re not yourself, you’re performing.  People who embrace what they enjoy know themselves—and more often than not don’t need your validation.  Quite frankly you come across as a little jealous.
2. The world needs joy more than anything right now.  Pure, unabashed, unashamed joy.  No matter what it looks like or where it comes from, the things you do to be happy are yours and that joy radiates to the world.  It means you give a damn.  And people who give a damn care about a lot of other things too—you’re judging what they do because you don’t give a damn about anything other than your appearance.  Finding joy means you’re more likely to reach out and connect with something other than what someone tells you to like.  Joy brings you to your center and shows you what you are meant to bring to the world.
3. People DO need to try harder.  Stop trying to act like nothing matters because before you know it, the time you spent judging others and laughing at what they did is gone and you won’t be able to find the things that bring you joy.  It goes so quickly.  The world needs to give a shit, and like I said above, those who know how to find joy know how to find meaning beyond themselves.  Stop acting so self-important like your opinion matters more than someone’s joy.  Stop trying to destroy what they’re doing and build something for yourself.
4. We’ve clearly forgotten what matters in this world.  The social unrest we have seen over the last year is the loudest it has ever been and we still find the time to create a bullshit term to identify and classify and degrade people for being themselves.  How is this still happening?  People who like to judge are hiding just as much pain, so I do empathize, but I do not condone this method of coping. 

It amazes me that we still pretend like we have the luxury of classifying and putting people down for completely irrelevant reasons.  In their own speak, that seems cheugy to me.  The irony is you’re trying to make yourself relevant by telling people what they do is meaningless.  You’re searching for meaning by creating a false category that people can’t get out of because it’s based on your opinion.  We need to be kind.  We need to embrace ourselves and ignore this type of talk.  Honestly, I’ve gotten much better at ignoring the crap and doing my own thing, but part of my work is defending those who can’t defend themselves.  There isn’t a damn thing wrong with loving an animal that seems goofy, or with wearing comfortable clothes that have some meaning, or escaping into a fantasy world for a little while.  What is wrong is creating a fantasy world where you separate people based on an arbitrary opinion. 

At the end of the day, who cares, right?  Do what you want to do because people will ALWAYS judge.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  Do your best and surpass any and all expectations and be the person you want to be.  We only get one shot at this life and we don’t have a lot of say in what happens to us, but we have all the say in how we react to it.  Ignoring naysayers isn’t always easy, but you can’t let people stop you from being who you are.  Choose to be kind.  Choose to give your life more meaning than judging people for fun.  Choose to pursue what you love at all costs.  Choose to bring joy to your life so you can bring joy to someone else.  Choose to be you.  Choose to make the best of what you have—you will never regret it.

“What the hell does it mean when people say, ‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’?  You don’t run a race for the journey, you run it to arrive,” Tim Grover. Amen!  I wrote a few months back about how I couldn’t stand veering off course.  I used the example from “Hello, Fears,” where Poler discussed wanting to go to a museum but getting sidetracked on the way there and taking in other things around her.  Yes, I can see where that is enjoyable, but I cringe thinking about a situation totally within your control (getting to a museum) and then letting yourself get sidetracked with nonsense you could do anywhere.  So, Grover’s quote floored me.  He put into words what I have felt viscerally for a long time.

As a side note, there is always merit in slowing down when needed.  But when it comes to a goal, we need to stay the course.  We may be led in different directions and we may need to incorporate different lessons, but we recognize their purpose.  I’m all about the arrival for me.  That can be good or bad, I know—and I’ve driven people crazy with intense focus on finishing something.  I’ve even been guilty of moving on to the next thing prematurely when things weren’t working out.

Our purpose in life isn’t to achieve a million things or accumulate beyond what we can use—it’s to bring about our purpose—period.  That is different for everyone.  We need balance.  We need people to remind us to let go every now and then and we need people to kick our butts when we allow ourselves to get off course.  I don’t want to miss out on things meant for me, and some may argue that things we encounter on the journey are what is meant for us.  But I will argue our contribution by learning lessons and sharing them is far more valuable than running a circular journey that takes us no farther than our widest steps.  

I wrote the other day about giving up too quickly.  I get bored and irritated really easily and if I’m not seeing results, I deem the venture not worth it without much thought.  As I’m creating the life I want, that mindset needs to change because the things I want won’t necessarily happen over night and it will take a lot of resistance and a lot of errors to get where I want to be.  I don’t want to waste time on things that won’t help me or teach me or take me where I need to go.  So maybe the quote needs to be tweaked a little—it’s about the journey AND the destination.  We need to achieve goals and we have places we want to go but sometimes we need the lessons we learn along the way to get us from step to step.  We  may know where we want to go but sometimes we don’t have a say in what happens along the way.

“Alchemy, at its root, is the transformation of self,” via Paradise Awakening.  The idea of alchemy always fascinated me, the idea of turning the mundane into magic, the worthless into priceless, the idea that anyone could have what they wanted because they could turn the ordinary into the extraordinary.  Of course, we never consider the subjective nature of worth because we judge by the opinion of masses.  It’s easy to follow the group and decide what is valuable based on their opinions.  It takes a keen eye and a firm sense of self to say, “This is valuable to ME.” Everyone’s eye is different.    

It’s easy to look at the external and to make it appear a certain way.  It takes work, but you can get the result you’re looking for.  It may not be functional but it will seem that all is well.  Our society is obsessed with appearance over functionality.  We want to look a certain way but we never stop to ask how what we’re doing feels.  The feel of life is much more important.  We know what feels right, and if we are looking to improve or change our circumstances, we have to take the time to become deeply familiar with how we want to feel.  All of life speaks to us, we need to get quiet and pay attention.

Change is never an easy process—we attach meaning to everything around us and if we have to change then we don’t always know what that means.  Certain changes never bother me but when it comes to creating the life I say I want, letting go of what I have always holds me back.  Change always involves destruction even, if it means letting go of what you know and walking into an unfamiliar world.  Destruction isn’t always a bad thing.  While we are trained to create a sense of security for ourselves, anything can happen.  Making a conscious choice to let go of what we thought we knew might destroy our tenuous hold on this world, but it will most certainly align us with what we are meant to do.    

It’s only when we look at what needs to change inside of us that the outside reflects what we are really looking for.  Nothing we do on the outside matters unless it’s authentic.  That requires a breakdown of everything we think we know and a deep dive into honesty—that isn’t always pretty.  I wrote a few days ago about recognizing my own toxicity in my relationship with my husband and that has started a deep transformation in me—one I thought I was almost through.  The reality was I am just beginning that transformation.  Knowing how off I was, how wrong I was left me unbalanced and numb for a few days.  I still don’t know how to act around my husband because I can’t tell if he is relieved and willing to stay or if he is relieved and ready to leave.  It’s completely out of my control.  That is the point—nothing is really in our control except for who we are. 

Lifting the veil on the identities we wear like armor is simultaneously relieving and terrifying. We have to admit we are wearing the armor if we want to remove it.  Acknowledge the weight of what we’ve put on.  Then admit why we put it on in the first place; we want to appear a certain way to blend and fit in, all the while we cover the tender reality of our hearts that were never meant to fit in, but to stand out.  There comes a point in our personal evolution, when we accept change, when we accept that we no longer want to carry what we’ve built, that freedom comes in.  That is alchemy.  From there on we are transformed. No longer a shell, no longer living in a false image of who we are.  Alchemy is not only about transformation, it’s about recognizing what is already there—breaking through.  Releasing the armor and standing in our truth and allowing others to do the same.  The world changes when you get in tune with yourself.  Sometimes it isn’t about changing into something else but changing into who you really are.  That is a beautiful destruction. 

Today I am grateful to turn things around.  We’ve been waiting for a positive outcome with finding a house after losing out on 8 properties—8 offers, 8 strikes.  I’ve been emotionally drained the last few weeks, moreso from the constant up and down of being hopeful and then fearful we won’t have a home when the offer is rejected, on top of work stressors and my body still recovering in general.  I haven’t been taking very good care of myself—pushing way too hard, comparing to everyone around me, feeling behind—so I’ve been eating like crap, not moving like I should, spending way too much time in front of a screen.  I could let it slide for a while, but I need to stop that now.  Allowing myself to deteriorate or intentionally destroying my body is not going to resolve the stress.  It’s time to take care of me again.

Today I’m grateful to be heard.  It still feels like I’m on shaky ground with my husband, but we were talking to some friends yesterday who informed us they were exposed to COVID but saying their tests came back negative.  My husband still wanted to sit outside and hang out with them but I told him no because they got tested too early.  He eventually understood and we all hung out as a family.

Today I’m grateful to breathe.  It always amazes me how quickly the mind brings me back into a spiral so far away from my center.  How it automatically searches for the path of least resistance, the things it knows.  The mind tries to protect itself.  For me that means being really controlling and tense and stressing and yelling and generally making myself miserable.  It’s really difficult for me to get out of that mindset once I get started.  I felt frustrated that I was woken up so early today, but it gave me some time to myself, some time to center—and time to breathe on my own and reconnect.

Today I am grateful for another chance.  I’ve been met with failure after failure the last few months.  It felt like everything has gone down hill.  It felt personal.  Like the universe was somehow unwilling to let me succeed on any endeavor in some grand conspiracy designed to keep me miserable.  Historically, I often find myself at this point: I have a series of failures and I completely shut down.  I give up and walk away.  This time I have no choice but to keep going.  I’m at the wall again and I’m repeating patterns of self-destruction and I’m ready to give up—but I can’t.  It’s really tempting to give up because this pressure is a boiler plate for both my husband and myself and we are ready to kill each other.  Yet we are still standing in front of this gate.  Each day we wake up exhausted, but it is always another chance to approach this wall together and figure out the code to break it down together.  The key is close.

Today I am grateful to nurture my inner child.  My son has been regressing and struggling with change.  He’s been exceptionally demanding of my attention and is still refusing to sleep in his room alone.  He is my mini when it comes to issues of anxiety.  This is a chance for me to reparent that.  To curb my anger with his demanding and understand he isn’t secure in himself—neither am I.  I read a quote the other day about being the parent you needed as a child and I realized that is exactly what I need to do for him.  I have to build his self-confidence.  I’ve been over protecting him so much he hasn’t developed an awareness of his abilities, at least not to their full extent.  I can’t coddle him anymore—and I can’t coddle myself either.  It’s time to face the demons of self-doubt and do what it takes to get where I want to be.

Today I am grateful to continue to peel layers.  My mind runs on multiple tracks all day, every day.  It doesn’t stop.  As I peel back who I pretended to be, I see how many of those tracks are not serving.  It’s time to decommission those lines and the lies they tell and really start creating some new routes.  I’ve got years of armor I’ve built around myself and there are so many bullshit stories and fears I’ve used as an excuse to keep me repeating them.  I don’t want to carry them anymore.  It used to feel like the act of going deeper was intrusive and painful.  But the utility outweighs those fears.  Yes, it is painful to dig and to see who you really are (especially when you’ve presented something so different), but you get to drop the act.  Things quiet down. 

Today I am grateful for breaking routine. With all of the chaos going on, we took a short break today to spend time with my brother. We went fishing with my brother and spent some time sharing our troubles and talking through things. The support felt amazing and it was nice to get out of our heads for a while. We got to spend time outside, I got to see my son fishing, we ate, we talked and it felt good. Sometimes you need to get out of your head and to connect with someone close to you.

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.