Today I am grateful to turn things around. We’ve been waiting for a positive outcome with finding a house after losing out on 8 properties—8 offers, 8 strikes. I’ve been emotionally drained the last few weeks, moreso from the constant up and down of being hopeful and then fearful we won’t have a home when the offer is rejected, on top of work stressors and my body still recovering in general. I haven’t been taking very good care of myself—pushing way too hard, comparing to everyone around me, feeling behind—so I’ve been eating like crap, not moving like I should, spending way too much time in front of a screen. I could let it slide for a while, but I need to stop that now. Allowing myself to deteriorate or intentionally destroying my body is not going to resolve the stress. It’s time to take care of me again.
Today I’m grateful to be heard. It still feels like I’m on shaky ground with my husband, but we were talking to some friends yesterday who informed us they were exposed to COVID but saying their tests came back negative. My husband still wanted to sit outside and hang out with them but I told him no because they got tested too early. He eventually understood and we all hung out as a family.
Today I’m grateful to breathe. It always amazes me how quickly the mind brings me back into a spiral so far away from my center. How it automatically searches for the path of least resistance, the things it knows. The mind tries to protect itself. For me that means being really controlling and tense and stressing and yelling and generally making myself miserable. It’s really difficult for me to get out of that mindset once I get started. I felt frustrated that I was woken up so early today, but it gave me some time to myself, some time to center—and time to breathe on my own and reconnect.
Today I am grateful for another chance. I’ve been met with failure after failure the last few months. It felt like everything has gone down hill. It felt personal. Like the universe was somehow unwilling to let me succeed on any endeavor in some grand conspiracy designed to keep me miserable. Historically, I often find myself at this point: I have a series of failures and I completely shut down. I give up and walk away. This time I have no choice but to keep going. I’m at the wall again and I’m repeating patterns of self-destruction and I’m ready to give up—but I can’t. It’s really tempting to give up because this pressure is a boiler plate for both my husband and myself and we are ready to kill each other. Yet we are still standing in front of this gate. Each day we wake up exhausted, but it is always another chance to approach this wall together and figure out the code to break it down together. The key is close.
Today I am grateful to nurture my inner child. My son has been regressing and struggling with change. He’s been exceptionally demanding of my attention and is still refusing to sleep in his room alone. He is my mini when it comes to issues of anxiety. This is a chance for me to reparent that. To curb my anger with his demanding and understand he isn’t secure in himself—neither am I. I read a quote the other day about being the parent you needed as a child and I realized that is exactly what I need to do for him. I have to build his self-confidence. I’ve been over protecting him so much he hasn’t developed an awareness of his abilities, at least not to their full extent. I can’t coddle him anymore—and I can’t coddle myself either. It’s time to face the demons of self-doubt and do what it takes to get where I want to be.
Today I am grateful to continue to peel layers. My mind runs on multiple tracks all day, every day. It doesn’t stop. As I peel back who I pretended to be, I see how many of those tracks are not serving. It’s time to decommission those lines and the lies they tell and really start creating some new routes. I’ve got years of armor I’ve built around myself and there are so many bullshit stories and fears I’ve used as an excuse to keep me repeating them. I don’t want to carry them anymore. It used to feel like the act of going deeper was intrusive and painful. But the utility outweighs those fears. Yes, it is painful to dig and to see who you really are (especially when you’ve presented something so different), but you get to drop the act. Things quiet down.
Today I am grateful for breaking routine. With all of the chaos going on, we took a short break today to spend time with my brother. We went fishing with my brother and spent some time sharing our troubles and talking through things. The support felt amazing and it was nice to get out of our heads for a while. We got to spend time outside, I got to see my son fishing, we ate, we talked and it felt good. Sometimes you need to get out of your head and to connect with someone close to you.
Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.