“You my friend have the power to change your life,” Gabby Bernstein.  This is a great follow up to Saturday’s post.  I love the idea of conscious evolution.  The idea that we have the power to change our lives with careful planning and execution.  We can have such an impact on the world if we normalize allowing ourselves to go toward our natural inclinations.  If we took the time to instill the power of authenticity and curiosity rather than telling people what they need to do we would get in touch with our intuition again.  These are not lessons we teach.  We fear other people’s power because we fear they will strip away our identities.  But we look past the key point: our identity has already been stripped when we enter the college-loan-work program.  We spend our time asking for permission to enjoy our lives and we settle for two weeks off a year including sick time.  We settle for what someone tells us we are worth.  We settle for giving our money away over and over again via taxes and purchasing THINGS.  My friends, there is so much more out there.

What used to be a deep seeded secret no one talked about is now more and more apparent.  What was bubbling is now boiling just beneath.  We know the life we’ve been groomed for is bogus.  Not that it doesn’t work for some, but the problem is that it doesn’t work for all.  The one size fits all mold we are supposed to follow doesn’t work.  We have been blessed with the ability to create and that streak doesn’t look the same for everyone.  This life isn’t meant to look the same for everyone.  We aren’t Stepford.  This is the real world and we were given unique purposes.  The idea we needed to squelch creativity for the greater good is so outdated.  It is stifling to believe we all need to do the same thing over and over again.  Who even said that was right in the first place?  Now it is about what our unique gifts can bring to the table.    

The beauty of this life is that we can make it what we want.  We have the power to sit with what we have and appreciate it but we also have the power to make it into something more.  We have the power to adapt and change.  When we stop listening to the program and start tapping into what we really are, that is when the magic happens.  There is an entire universe of support out there, more than we could ever imagine.  We don’t need permission to engage it—we don’t need to be told we are worthy or that we have to do it a certain way.  We just need to take the leap. Sometimes we feel we are at our lowest but we are really just creating energy to make that leap.   

Appreciating where we are is wonderful, but making moves on where we want to be is even better.  And it isn’t about control over others, it’s about recognizing the inherent power we’ve been given to do beautiful things in this world.  We are the result of billions of chemical reactions, almost an accident of nature—but we are here and there has to be some design to that.  We worry about control because we are afraid of the unknown, but we can learn to harness that control to manifest it.  We can make the unknown known.  The world becomes a less scary place.

We are so much more powerful than we are ever taught.  People fear power, and sometimes they even fear their own power.  With power comes responsibility and THAT is also something people fear.  I know that I’ve been afraid to step up because I wasn’t sure I could maintain what I was doing or if I could be able to do it again if I needed to move on to something new.  But the truth is, when we are engaged with source and connected to our purpose, it is a free flow of thought and connection and energy that will always get us right where we need to be.  It’s available to us all.

Today I am grateful for my body.  We are in the home stretch of our move, packing up all of the last minute crap we didn’t realize we have.  I’ve had a few meltdowns, a few tears, some begging for help—standard stuff.  But my body keeps ticking.  I’m exhausted and still struggling to sleep a little, but I’m moving and getting it done.  I’m so grateful I am able to do as much as I have and am able to keep up.  Believe me, this hasn’t been a smooth process, so I am really happy that I’m able to get this done.  I’ve wanted to power through and I am not able to do that—I have to take breaks and reset, but it gets done, all with me listening to what my body needs.

Today I am grateful to see reality for what it is.  I’m an extremely emotional person so my natural tendency is to put my own spin on things and then rethink it—that’s also just human nature.  Maybe it is just lack of sleep or all of the physical work over the last week but I feel myself slightly out of body today, just taking it in.  We’ve had to adjust and accommodate and bend and yield and shift so much over the last few days that my mind felt like it broke on Saturday.  As I’ve worked through those frustrations, I’ve felt a slight numbing.  It’s almost like, ok, what’s next?  Today I woke up accepting my humanity.  That not all will get done and that not all will live up to others’ expectations.  I’ve been busting my ass and if the result isn’t good enough, I’m ok with that.  We’ve jumped through hoops and I no longer have any interest in doing that.

Today I am grateful for boundaries.  As I mentioned above, we’ve had to pivot significantly over the last 48 hours.  I had a conversation with my husband where I told him I’m tired of making concessions to other people’s screw ups.  That’s the bottom line: I like things going according to plan and if you screw up and I’m the one who is impacted, I expect a modicum of flexibility on your part if I can’t meet the new requirement.  Silly me, the universe doesn’t always work like that.  But I’m still grateful because it is teaching me self-respect and it is teaching me to demand concessions for my humanity as I am expected to grace people the same for their errors.  We aren’t able to meet the new deadline entirely and they are going to have to deal with that.  We have done what we can with what we have and the rest is what it is.  It is giving me the motivation to take more aggressive steps toward creating the life I want.  I don’t want to feel this kind of pressure again, I want to call the shots on my schedule, especially when it comes to my time.   

Today I am grateful for flexibility.  Looking at it now, I know this is a lesson.  Maybe a reminder.  Along with setting boundaries comes the other lesson—flexibility.  Adaptation and letting go of my plans were key to getting through—that and remembering there is always a greater plan than my own.  And for the first time, I can proudly admit that I wasn’t upset that it wasn’t my plan—I was upset that we couldn’t settle on ANY plan.  Even so, the universe has shown me that all works out in due time.  For a while there I thought I may have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown, but all is working out.  All it took was complete surrender and accepting that I couldn’t go any further.  Fighting it was useless.  Allowing is what changed the circumstance.

Today I am grateful for the future.  I am sincerely grateful for the opportunity to provide for my family in a new way.  I am grateful to get to experience the life I’ve been dreaming of and to build the things I want.  Recognizing what I am capable of has pushed me to the next level and I am ready.  I am so grateful to give back and use my talents in a way that serves.  I’m grateful to not confine myself to someone else’s box or vision of what I should be doing.  I’m grateful to get to be me, to level up.  It’s an awakening.

Today I am grateful for the present.  We are in a bit of a rocky patch as we near the finish line—nothing we can’t handle.  But I allowed myself to get a bit lost a few times.  Last night, I laid in bed with my son and just held him.  I am so lucky to have this amazing being in my life.  He looks at me and tells me I’m a great mom and my heart nearly explodes, tears fall down my face as I think about the time out I put him in earlier in the day.  This beautiful boy is so full of love and care and laying with him, holding him, brought me right back to where I was.  There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for him, and everything I am able to do, I will.      

Today I am grateful for miracles.  My son woke up with an acid reflux attack and we worked through it and he’s running around active now, completely normal.  We spent some time playing with Lego and just playing.  It was nice to take a break from the hectic pace we’ve had over the last three weeks.  We were given a small extension for the day of signing to get out of our house so we were able to breathe, play, and even nap between cleaning and packing today.  There was a decided feeling of the weight being lifted off of my shoulders as I heard that we had more time.  We are so close to the next phase of our lives and it feels amazing! 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“It is super important to love yourself where you are but I can’t stress enough that you must also learn to feel the pain of the things in your life that you’re not satisfied with,” Tom Bilyeu.  I’ve spoken before about balancing where we are with where we want to be and how we have the power to direct that.  I believe in intention and that includes deciding what you want and being able to direct your life that way.  All it takes is focused action in alignment with the goal.  As someone who spent a lot of time hating herself, I know that the first part of Bilyeu’s quote is key: it is SO important to love yourself where you are.  You can’t move forward without loving yourself as you are because that is how you learn your worth.  Knowing you are worthy enough to go after what you want is the only way you learn to develop enough confidence, strength, and faith in yourself to go after it.

Loving yourself where you are is an ownership of how you got there.  It’s also a chance to appreciate how far you’ve come. It’s also about feeling the hunger for something more and the belief that you’re able to go after it and achieve it.  Ironically, that kind of confidence often comes when we look at what we’ve built and realizing we don’t want anything to do with it.  Admitting that your energy may have been for nothing is exhausting and humiliating.  It is painful to live a life not in line with who you are.  At the same time it is completely liberating because it puts you on the path of what you DO want.  That is the point of what we are talking about: sometimes it takes getting uncomfortable to get what you want.

I always believed that I needed a 9-5 to be secure.  I thought that type of work would protect me and make me successful.  The truth is I’ve done very well in that environment and I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have the opportunities that crossed my path.  But it still doesn’t fully match the lifestyle I want.  I still need permission to do anything.  Any project I have needs to be in line with company goals, not my vision.  I need permission to take time off.  I have to stay late and miss out on time with my kid if I’m needed or if something needs to get done.  I have to address issues as they come up even if I’m not in the office.  My life is not my own.  Again, I’ve been fortunate, I will never snub my nose at what I’ve achieved.  But I want more.

As I’m getting older, I’m seeing that our health, time, and freedom are the most valuable assets we have.  Those are literally irreplaceable.  I had to learn that my projects, my writing and sharing—that is what I really love.  Not being cooped up in an office with no windows or making rounds on different departments multiple times a day.  I want to spend my time doing different work.  I’ve had to work really hard to change my beliefs around  how someone can earn an income.  It’s scary to go out on your own and rely on yourself to make it happen—but feeling the pain of settling is greater than the fear of going after something with enormous potential.

All of that starts with that pain point Bilyeu is talking about.  When you see that you aren’t fully satisfied—not that you’re ungrateful, but that you can do more—that is when you learn to maximize your potential.  Meeting yourself where you’re at is how you start.  From there, it’s all about your drive and dedication.  Knowing you can do it.  Knowing what you want and setting clear goals to get there.  And most importantly, acting on it.  Don’t shy away from the pain, appreciate where you’re at, get honest with yourself, and make the moves.          

“You are the only proof I’ll ever need that miracles are possible,” Kristen Hubbard.  I woke up this weekend after a nightmare filled sleep, my son tossing and turning, animals making their way into the bed, and my thoughts moving in any direction other than where I was at.  I got up and I started working and my son woke up less than 10 minutes of me being out of the bed.   I got frustrated because I wasn’t ready to get up that early anyway, I had made peace with using the time to work, and then my son couldn’t be without me.  I snapped at him because he wouldn’t settle on the couch so I couldn’t get done what I needed to.  I adore him, but he is over four years old and hasn’t slept a single night alone and I reached my breaking point. 

I walked away for a moment, fed the cats, and when I came back he was settled.  I looked at him, and I have all the love in the universe for him and I felt regret for losing it.  Sometimes we can’t help it—there is too much stimulation at once and we aren’t able to process it all.  That doesn’t change that I love him.  I also know that he isn’t doing this intentionally—he is struggling with some type of fear.  Most of the time I am able to recognize that and help him work through it.  I’m working on not snapping when I’m trying to get things done.  My fear creeps up that I will never be able to do what I need to do because of the level of attention he requires.  But then I realize this too is temporary.

Time moves quickly and we are blessed to have what we do.  To have the opportunities to love as we do.  Everything that needs to get done will—it always has.  So that is on me to control my fears.  To stop projecting what I fear will happen over what is really happening.  This morning, my son needed support, not criticism.  I am here to support him, to love him, to coach him through what he needs.  I am so fortunate to be able to do that.  There will be a point in the not too distant future where he probably won’t want to associate with me at all.  And then I will wonder what happened to my boy. 

When I became a mother, I had no clue what I was doing.  I was alone a lot because of the work my husband did, I had to go back to work really quickly after birth, and I wasn’t fully prepared for the aftermath, including post-partum.  I had initially undertaken motherhood as another obligation because it was something I had to fit in my life—I wasn’t gifted the opportunity to relish the changes.  As the years have gone on, things have naturally improved and we have gotten into our own routine.  Each day passes and I feel better about where we are.

The other side to this is that we forget to look at ourselves as miracles.  The fact we are here, breathing, functioning, able to create things is a miracle.  We often see the beauty in others but forget the miracle that we are as well.  I know the sweetness of my sons hand in mine and falling back into fear doesn’t mean I don’t recognize that.  Someday I will have the grace to accept it as is.  Somedays I do.  Perhaps it was just a bad night’s sleep.  I just need to go with it.

“Fears holding you back: fear of rejection, fear of ruin, fear of regret, fear of responsibility,” Brendon Burchard.  The common ground for all these fears (aside from starting with “R”) is they are based in ego.  They look at how we are impacted personally from perceived failure.  They look narrowly at the consequences on the big picture if you don’t pursue what you are meant to.  Rejection triggers the idea that we aren’t good enough.  Ruin triggers failure.  Regret triggers the what if and the 20/20 hindsight.  And Responsibility scares the crap out of all of us because, consequences. 

The way I look at is this: Rejection means you went out on a limb and you didn’t engage the right people or it wasn’t the time—or you just needed a few tweaks.  It doesn’t mean you’re idea isn’t needed—it might not be the right crowd you pitched to.  And if the rejection is based solely on other people’s opinions, we know what they can do with those anyway 😊.  Ruin can happen if we don’t plan carefully—but more often than not this isn’t the case.  We feel like a failure if our idea doesn’t come up to speed within our timeframe or exactly as we expected it to.  This is more about patience and projecting our fears than about what is actually happening. Sit with what is rather than what we think it is. Learning to slow down and make moves from a place of authenticity will guide you right 100% of the time.  Also learning a calculated risk keeps your head above water so you have room for failure.  Stop looking to eat the whole pie and learn to take small bites.  It still tastes as sweet and we don’t get sick after.

The last two are a bit more complicated.  Regret is about shifting the perspective.  If we had known better we would have done better—but now we do so we must move forward doing better.  We can’t expect to get everything right 100% of the time so we have to learn to accept what happened as a lesson.  Slowing down to move correctly leaves little room for regret because you’re on target.  Regret can also be about missed chances so learn to jump when it feels right.  It is harder to forgive ourselves for the chances we let go than for the opportunities we took and had to learn from.  So move. 

And the big one: the fear of responsibility comes from our society’s need to blame.  We have been taught to push and deny our role in anything that happens to us.  We are conditioned into victimhood, led to believe from the time we enter school that we aren’t supposed to have a say in our lives and how they look.  You need to follow the program or you won’t succeed.  That those who aren’t following the prescribed steps are either lazy or crazy.  We are taught and forced to take responsibility for the actions of others so we learn to control things and responsibility becomes too great a burden to carry.  But if we were taught personal responsibility we would see that we are no longer victims and that it is necessary to put the accountability where it lies—on ourselves.  We would see how powerful we really are and how little other people’s opinions matter.  It’s easier to control people following the same course—it’s more difficult to keep people in line when they are doing something they know is right for them.     

I want to make a side note that none of this is to say these fears aren’t tied to small portions of something real.  If we are ruined then we may not have enough means to try again or we may lose what we have built for our family.  But for me, even that is a shift in perspective because we are taught those fears as well.  If we lose a status symbol is it really a loss or an inconvenience?  The things we are taught to value really don’t matter at the end of the day: making a life that matters is what’s important.  Having it all isn’t really a focus anymore.  Now people want to be able to move.  They want freedom, connection, and time with family.  So what’s really holding you back?  Because if it’s something on this list, let it go.  Don’t let your fears stop you from moving. 

“Most great accomplishments were achieved by people who at first had no idea what they were doing,” Brendon Burchard.  Throughout history most great achievements were met by those curious few bold enough to give their idea a shot.  From the beginning of time, the ones seeking to improve life were looked at as insane—there was no concept of innovation until after the fact.  From making fire work, to the wheel, to houses we can carry on our backs, to taming wild horses, to trains, electricity. To agriculture, to permanent homes, to industry—all of these fields/things were seen as crazy.  And people did them anyway.

When we have an idea we think can change the world, fear will tell us every excuse under the son to not pursue it.  In those moments look back on any innovation in the world and see that nearly every idea started with curiosity—not the idea of perfection.  As far as the fear that everything has been done already, well that is fairly true—but it hasn’t been done by you.  And it also hasn’t been done in the time you exist.  Today’s advances in technology means things are in and out of style within a few months.  That means there is always room for something else.

The other concept of innovation is personal evolution.  Developing faith in your abilities and going beyond what you see is key to creating something worthwhile—because you’re making yourself a worthwhile person.  It is when you invest in your own development that you recognize the needs of others and your role in making things better.  Take your wants out of the equation and look at the needs of other people.  That is the fastest way to find something worthwhile to do.  And finding something new means recognizing a gap in the system that could use some improvement. 

Stop looking down on yourself because you aren’t an expert.  The world doesn’t need more experts: it needs people who give a damn and can legitimately fulfill a purpose.  We need humanity.  So put your fears aside and stop asking what you can do as if you’re helpless and start asking what you can do with intention.  And then, just for the hell of it, ask yourself what you want to do.  Get curious about life and how it works and see where you fall in so you can stand out.  But don’t let the fear of not knowing hold you back.  Information is available everywhere.  You just need to get curious and have some faith that you can do what you set your mind to.

To echo the post about speeding up by slowing down, I found a quote from @richforever that says, “I don’t want to move fast, I want to move correctly.”  It doesn’t matter how fast you go if you’re making the wrong moves.  That’s a waste of time and energy.  Now, this isn’t to be misconstrued with perfectionism.  This is talking referencing purposeful moves, moves that yield results, moves with intention and direction.  As much as we do, there isn’t a point if we aren’t working with forward momentum.

The point isn’t to simply cross the finish line, it is to produce longevity in the way of results toward a goal.  It doesn’t matter how much you achieve or how quickly if it isn’t something that is fulfilling.  Movement without direction is just activity—it’s just motion.  Movement with purpose is productivity.  Now in that case, it doesn’t matter if the action takes twenty minutes or twenty years, if you get where you’re supposed to at the end of the day, then it was worth it. 

To circle back on the point about perfectionism, this is an easy trap for perfectionists to fall in.  They may end up never moving because they’re always waiting for the right time.  But this is an opportunity to challenge ourselves to find the things that drive us, find the real motivation and make a decision on what we want.  That is the marker of progress.  If the moves we make align with who we are and the goals we have set for ourselves, it is never wrong.

Between the two quotes, the point is to be thoughtful, present, and intentional in what you do.  It isn’t about achieving number one.  I used to panic about only having one shot at life so I tried to do EVERYTHING on my own.  It ended up paralyzing me and I ended up further behind than if I had just gone forward focused on one thing.  So learn to sit with yourself and the thoughts that come through.  Act on what is right for you and be calculated enough to decide on action based on what serves your purpose—and what allows you to serve your purpose.  The next step always reveals itself.        

“Speed up by slowing down,” Gabby Bernstein.  Chaos is a part of life.  Work, home, relationships, hobbies, whatever it may be we are pulled in multiple directions at once.  The other weekend we were in the throws of figuring out the transaction for our house as we waded through contract after contract, finding mistakes and signing and re-signing paperwork.  We were waiting for documentation on what we were clearing for our home as well as a finalization from the underwriters to proceed.  Frayed nerves are an understatement.  I had work to do for my 9-5 as well as for my side projects and I didn’t get as far ahead as I needed so I felt completely overwhelmed.

My husband looked at me and said, “Let’s go.”  I had no idea where we were going but I gave into him because my energy had nowhere else to go—nothing productive was getting done.  We ended up about 35 minutes from our house at a lake we’d never seen before.  We watched the boats in the water, the water itself stirred with their wakes.  The wind cooled the 90 degree air and we found a small tree to stand under near the water’s edge.  Standing there watching the water, a new calmness washed over us.  We looked at each other and smiled.  There was nothing going on.  We weren’t swimming, we weren’t on a boat, we just stood near the water and felt peace.  Nothing needed to be done in that moment.

We took our son out to lunch and we laughed like we hadn’t in a while.  My four year old looked at me and he said, “I love it when you make that smiling face.”  My heart broke at first.  I thought to myself, “Do I look that miserable all the time?  Have I let that much joy go out of my life?”  I made a promise there to be more gentle with my son, to lower the expectations, and to be present.  Honestly, all the work in the world could have been sitting at my feet and I had no desire to touch it—I just wanted to smile with him and my husband. 

When we got back home, things started flowing.  We had the energy to finish what we need to and even communication with the transaction smoothed out.  My son gave me enough lessons to help with my writing—and I let time go.  I realized that I wanted to feel like that.  That peace and centeredness is what moved me forward.  Not pushing, not rushing, not fighting—just pausing and resetting.  Plus we found a really cool lake that we can go visit again.  The point is letting go got it done.  Slowing down made it happen.  So take a pause—don’t stop, but take a breath and see how much further you get.

Today I am grateful for new people.  My husband ran into one of his old coworkers the other day and they had discussed buying/selling a boat.  We took a short trip out there to see the boat so I met him as well as his girlfriend.  I didn’t realize how isolated I’ve been, how wrapped up in my own little world I’ve been, until I met these people.  I also didn’t realize how much I’ve been craving contact with people outside of work and outside of my own home.  There is so much kindness in the world in spite of all the insanity we put each other through.  We all just hung out outside talking about different areas of our lives and it was so nice to simply talk.  It made me realize how much more I want to expand my world.

Today I am grateful for spontaneous get togethers with the family.  After we met up with my husband’s old coworker, we made another quick side trip to see our niece to drop off some toys for her son.  We didn’t know that our other niece was also with her so it was such a nice surprise to see both of them.  It’s wonderful to see how well they are doing and the wonderful people they are becoming.  They both have a maturity beyond their years and a remarkable ability to go with the flow.  I give my husband’s family a ton of credit for that: they are all able to go with it. It’s really nice to spend time with people who remind you how to do that.

Today I am grateful for my body.  We did a ton of physical work yesterday in preparation of our move.  We took down our bed, cleaned the carpet, and packed up our son’s play room.  My body nearly completely shut down in April so I’ve really had to be gentle and slowly increase my activity to get some strength back.  As I was making multiple trips up and down 30 stairs to get the pieces of our bed stored in the garage, I realized that I’m getting better.  I’m still no where near where I used to be, but I was able to handle it.  I had to stop several times but I never gave up.  I’m feeling it today, but I’m so grateful my body was able to move like that.  I know that I will be able to get back to myself again.

Today I am grateful for learning to hold my tongue—a little bit.  The last few times we have moved, I have handled the brunt of the work.  The packing, the organizing, the unloading, the unpacking.  While we worked on our bedroom yesterday, my husband started to not feel well.  My immediate thought was, “Bullshit, you just don’t want to do this.”  I said some choice words about his laziness in my head—and only in my head.  My husband isn’t very good at expressing what the issue really is so he has a tendency to “not feel well” when we need to get something done.  I am working hard on breaking the martyr syndrome so I kept all of my anger to myself and continued working.  He eventually got it together and started helping.  We are moving in 10 days and I think that finally hit him as he saw the extent of the work we have left. 

Today I am grateful for breaking the chain of my old habits/mental cycles.  I really struggle with spontaneity because I love a plan.  I like to know where the pieces are going to fall.  I’ve been intentionally practicing staying in the moment and adapting as things change.  In some sort of cosmic joke, the more I’ve leaned into it, the more things don’t go according to plan—not that they have gone wrong, just that I’ve had to pivot a lot more in the recent weeks than previously.  Either that’s a mark of my stubbornness before or I’m a really bad planner.  Maybe both.  As frustrating as the pivot can be, I will admit it’s been easier to go with it in most circumstances.  There is a lightness that comes with it.  There have been a few where I’ve dug my heels in when I felt it really necessary and that actually felt different as well—it wasn’t about proving, it was about doing what was right.

Today I am grateful for foresight.  The more I’ve spoken with my boss about the changes coming at work, the more I’m glad I made the decision to lean into change.  There are so many things coming up to and including changes in reporting structure that we have no control over.  It’s frustrating to not know what that will look like when we do know there is already a plan in place—it just hasn’t been shared.  I’m learning to accept that there are certain things that are in play that I won’t have any say in.  I can either go with it or I can make a choice to go in a different direction.  It isn’t the end of the world.  Had I not been focused on accepting things as they come, I would not be able to adapt like that.       

Today I am grateful for being in the moment.  We are down to the final few days in our current house and getting ready to move onto the next adventure in our lives.  We spent a lot of time prepping over the last 24 hours in particular and we spent a good amount of this father’s day packing.  We still took some time to drive out to my parent’s house and we came home and napped for about an hour.  We got a really nice dinner and we are spending the rest of the evening together, taking some time to pack up miscellaneous things before we dive into the rest of the big stuff.  It felt so nice to be able to float in and out of what we were doing, tackling things as we needed to, and still relaxing with each other.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.   

“There’s nothing more important on our spiritual path than developing gentleness to oneself,” Pema Chodron.  We are our own worst critics and I’ve said before, my mind can be a vicious place.  I’ve always thought that pushing through was key.  I ended up with a lot of emotional outbursts because I never addressed the emotions as I was feeling them.  I pushed them down and tried to deal with them later, but I always ended up with unresolved feelings because I never addressed what was bothering me as it happened.  You know, you have a confrontation with someone and then hours later you think of the perfect thing to say?  Yeah, that was my life.  I’d always have the perfect thing to say in hindsight. 

I didn’t distinguish between when something needed to be said and the need to say something.  The former is an appropriate response and the latter is a combination of compulsion and ego.  I felt the last word coming out more often than not and didn’t think about how to handle it until later.  I developed a hatred for myself and a need to make people understand, to prove.  I turned that frustration on them as well as on myself.  I hated how my imperfect brain gave the perfect answer at the wrong time.  I hated not being heard.  As more and more people stopped listening, I turned inward.

The war over what I should have done or said became even stronger except it was between what my soul knew I should do and what my ego actually did.  That manifested in things like hating how I looked and believing I was doomed to fail at what I tried.  I believed that I was meant to be a doormat and I continued to lash out.  I hated what I saw in the mirror as I consumed more and more of the bullshit around me whether it was food or feeling sorry for myself—or eating because I felt sorry for myself.  Taking care of myself, even if it was just a shower became a chore.  I didn’t feel like something worthy of care because I couldn’t manage my outer relationships let alone the relationship with myself.  I didn’t listen.

Slowly I began to feel like I didn’t want to feel those things anymore.  As I looked at the life I built around me, even the parts I didn’t really want to agree to, I realized that I  had a lot to be grateful for.  The anger, the fights I started with others, the demands I placed on my husband, the criticism I turned on my child—all of that had to do with a lack of care for myself.  I operated under the delusion that they owed me the same care that I gave them.  Granted in a partnership that is usually how it works, but when one partner (me) is making demands that the other behave as they see fit, the other partner loses appreciation or the desire to be together.  I started looking at the demands I was making on myself—the things that I made obligations in my life and started asking if this is what I really wanted.

I learned to sit and acknowledge when I felt angry and I started dissecting why.  I spent my time doing what I had been told I was supposed to and I simply didn’t want to do it anymore.  I felt trapped into a life I didn’t fully agree to.  So I started small and began appreciating that I had made it that far and that I had a comfortable place to start over again.  Then I started asking what I did want.  I’m still working that out, but I am getting closer.  As I dug into what I wanted, I started to address what I needed to do to achieve those goals.  Shifting my focus to what was in my control as well as what was on my path made it much easier to recognize what I did and didn’t want to do.

As I write this, I feel an overwhelming desire to share—this work is no chore.  I feel love as I write these words, as I share a bit about what I went through to appreciate this beautiful life.  I am still not gentle on myself and I feel disappointed in myself when I am not living in alignment with the values I have.  I am quicker to accept my humanity and I am quicker to get back on track.  I have learned to ask myself what I can do to course correct instead of berating myself for straying.  There is value in appreciating one’s ability to move forward.  It pays to be gentle when learning the lesson.  We absorb it easier.  We are resilient in our humanity and we will get it wrong, that is part of being human.  Learning to move on with the lesson—that is living.