“Embarrassment is the cost of entry.  If you aren’t willing to look like a foolish beginner you’ll never become a graceful master,” via Marketing mentor. I sat in a meeting regarding the implementation of a new module for a program we use with our electronic medical records.  This group in particular came together to discuss what the needs were moving forward, in particular from my group.  Preceding the meeting, my boss and I sat together to discuss a series of questions designed to illicit build components for the new module and we assumed there would be additional input or feedback.  When we got to this meeting, the entire thing focused on our answers, some of which we hadn’t gone through because we needed additional insight before making a decision.  We both fumbled and flubbed as we weren’t prepared to take the weight of this design as other people impacted weren’t considered and our decisions would change their workflows.  It was horrendous and embarrassing and frustrating as none of us were speaking the same language related to this program.

Our goal is to move this program forward because this is the way things are going in the health field and neither one of us felt like we accomplished that and we didn’t feel as if we understood the ask.  We have nearly 45 years of experience between us and we couldn’t make heads or tails of the conversation.  Our collective goal is to improve the system and to make it easier for patients which is no small undertaking.  In order to move forward, we had to do something new, we had to put ourselves on the line, and we had to get honest about what we didn’t understand.  Leadership looked different for us in that moment.  We had to embarrass ourselves and get back to the basics.  Regardless of our experience, this was brand new for us and if we wanted to be better, we had to learn better. We persisted and debriefed and told the project lead that it was sloppy and not done well—which was also a challenging conversation.  And many in the group came to us afterward and let us know that the experience was just as difficult for them.

I don’t always feel I’m aligned at work so it was easy to take a lot of that meeting personally and even to feel incompetent.  But after a lot of thought, I realized the result of that meeting was a lesson in my business as well.  In order to get started and lay the right foundation, you have to go out on a limb.  I have no idea how to do some of the technical stuff that is coming up for my personal business, but I’m learning.  The only way I’m going to improve is to do it.  If I hadn’t experienced putting myself on the line and admitting what I don’t know, I’m not sure that I would be as comfortable moving forward with my own work.  Making progress requires direct honestly about exactly where you are.  It doesn’t matter if you can make something look good if it isn’t functional or if it doesn’t make sense.  It isn’t a matter of putting yourself down or lamenting what you don’t have, it’s about recognizing the opportunity to close some gaps.

Being embarrassed is another way of allowing yourself to be vulnerable.  In vulnerability and with humility, you allow.  You express a willingness to learn and to improve.  Yes, the opening quote speaks to the broader term of embarrassment when it comes to having the nerve to even start something you don’t feel ready for.  But we all have moments of embarrassment and vulnerability when we try something out of our comfort zone, whether it is something entirely new, or expanding what you already know.  But that is the only way we grow.  We aren’t meant to stay the same way forever.  We aren’t meant to sit stagnant.  We were born to leap.      

When we take that aligned action and take steps away from the known, we are telling the universe we are ready to dive into something else.  We are ready for the next thing in our lives.  The universe never said we needed to be a pro—and if we waited for that moment before getting started, some of us would never budge.  We are meant to take the chance and enjoy.  Let go of what we think we need to look like and grab onto who we are.  It doesn’t matter if it’s perfect, it matters if it’s honest and right for who we are.  So I agree with the opening quote to a point but I want to emphasize there is a difference between embarrassment and vulnerable.  Embarrassment is merely ego.  It’s up to us to put that part on the back burner and to accept help and to admit when we need help.  The secret is in vulnerability.  You’re saying the goal means more than what you look like.  The goal means more than merely winning.  There is purpose beyond creating an image. If you want to move forward in life, you have to be vulnerable.  And chances are if you’re embarrassed about something, people won’t remember it anyway.  So choose to make something lasting by being open. 

The last two weekends I found myself struggling with feelings of inadequacy.  The whole weekend felt like I was fighting something, pushing the rock uphill so to speak.  It was odd because it’s not like I didn’t do anything, it’s just that nothing went as I planned.  I had a really difficult time finishing anything.  I wasn’t feeling the greatest so I wasn’t able to sit in front of the computer for long, my husband and son woke up really early, the animals needed attention (this is a cycle for this household lol).  I got distracted easily and I spent a lot of time talking instead of doing.  That was talking with my neighbors as well as talking with myself.

I started getting anxious because there is so much I want to do—my body hums with energy but I struggle to decide what to tackle first.  As I found myself in a bit of a funk, I looked at the “Vibe of the day” from Law Of Attraction Live and it said to trust the timing of your life, have faith in the process and that there’s a divine order.  I preach this all the time but I couldn’t bring myself to that level.  Regardless, the reminder made me see that what I had planned for the day wasn’t in the cards.  Maybe something else was meant to be. 

The day was still productive even if it wasn’t how I thought it should look.  It is so hard to feel like you’ve done enough when what you’ve planned doesn’t turn out.  So I had several moments of self-pity before I realized that everything that did happen was beautiful.  Everything that happened, happened exactly as it was meant to be.  I preach about rolling with it and I guess that is a lesson I still need to learn for myself.  Life keeps rolling no matter what your opinion is, no matter what you think should be happening.  It’s our job to set the intention, align with the energy, and take what comes.

Once I let go of the day I had in mind, I immediately felt my confidence boost.  Seriously.  EVERYTHING turned around.  Yes, there are major projects we still have to do, but I know now that I can not constantly be in worker mode.  It’s exhausting.  We have to make time for play and adventure and sometimes just nothing in order to keep our brain healthy and functioning. 

Beyond planning our day, I know I’ve been doing this with my life in general.  I haven’t been enjoying the full process because I live in a series of time constraints.  It is partially by choice because the things I want to do require dedication and focus.  Regardless of that, I enjoy doing them so that is something I WANT to make time for.  But when I want something, that becomes the focus and I fixate.  I drown out the potential of what could be by drilling into it so hard.  Things don’t flow when you put them in a choke hold.  Even if it’s a level of excitement, you keep yourself locked in anticipation when you don’t take action. And action is the way to turn around a negative mindset.  So I took some time to reflect on what I had done this weekend and I found myself smiling.  We made memories, we enjoyed each other, we had fun, and we had great conversation and food.  The joy I felt with my family and hearing their gratitude made it all worth it.  There is nothing inadequate in that.   

Today I am grateful for second (sometimes third/fourth/fifth) chances.  I haven’t felt quite myself lately and I haven’t been able to put my finger on what the issue was/is (I will talk about this in more detail later).  If I’m honest, I’ve felt off my rocker.  My nerves are on edge, I’m sensitive about EVERYTHING.  Physically sensitive as well.  Communication has been stilted and aggressive or completely lost and I’ve felt physically and emotionally drained.  Like I’m trying to move or speak and I just CAN’T.  For a minute I actually thought something was wrong, like some random disease.  I still don’t feel quite together but I am taking the time to heal because that is clearly evident now, spiritually and emotionally.  I’m grateful to recognize that I need to do some more healing work.  I’m grateful my husband took it—even if he was the brunt of it. 

Today I am grateful for signs from the universe.  One of the groups I follow pulls cards (inspiration/oracle) and today’s card mentioned something old coming back into my life and to let it in.  Several hours later, a friend I haven’t spoken with in a few years contacted me.  We live really far apart and never hold long periods of silence against each other.  It was so nice to hear from him and the timing was great.  As I said in my first paragraph, I felt really lost and agitated out of no where, so to have an ear to vent to that wasn’t sick of my crap (including my own) was really nice.  There is support everywhere.  We just have to be willing to take it. 

Today I am grateful to calm my mind.  I needed to get out of my head and take a healthy dose of acceptance.  Taking things exactly as they are and keeping my mind on track.  I also needed a healthy dose of my own advice when it came to communicating.  The feelings that I’ve been trying to make sense of, the whirlwind/incessant movement, just needed to settle.  They needed to be felt rather than explained.  Again, I’m still not entirely settled, but expressing what was going through my head helped to clarify a bit more of what I was thinking.

Today I am grateful for some time on my own.  I have been in control mode, trying to shape everything around me.  I’ve also been moving in conflicting directions as well as not completing something I started.  That is a recipe for PURE chaos.  Part of the healing process is getting quiet.  Tackling one thing at a time and seeing it through to completion.  I needed to focus on controlling myself instead of my husband and son.  So I took some time to pause and really look at what I was doing.  I started decorating my office, focused on my writing, my books, planning my next steps.  I needed to take the time to clear out the noise of the world around me.  And eliminating/limiting the outside stimulation really felt good.

Today I am grateful for new relationships.  We have met some amazing people in our new neighborhood and we have been included like we are one of the crowd.  It feels good to settle in our new home and to have it feel like we’ve been here for years.  It’s not just about learning the ropes, it’s about learning to form new bonds.  To see what other people have gone through and to know we aren’t alone in our struggles.  It also feels amazing to see and experience good people in the world.  We don’t know each other from anywhere and that doesn’t mean anything.  We’ve already helped each other and it is more than just being neighborly—it’s about humanity. 

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.

“The idea of the principle of living is to seek liberation,” Shaman Durek.  This quote came up at a serendipitous time for me.  I’ve been so appreciative of the progress I’ve made but I’ve been looking at my day to day.  There is still something inside of me calling for more.  It isn’t about material things at this point, it’s definitely about freedom.  It’s about spending my time how I see fit rather than having my day dictated to me.  I’ve spent so many years waiting for people to tell me what to do because I didn’t know how to manage my days.  I’ve been working on creating a life where I don’t “answer” to anyone because I’d rather spend my time creating things that make life better.

We have all faced this precipice before.  The point where you make a drastic decision for change and you know nothing will be the same again.  You have the choice to go to that side or to stay where you are.  I can guarantee we’ve been there multiple times.  When we get there, we either don’t see the bridge, it looks a little shoddy, or we think it’s too easy.  No matter the excuse, we stop ourselves and never get across.  Staying safe is really important to us because we equate repetition with security.  But that isn’t always true.  We need the variety to keep things fresh and to stay current.  In seeking liberation, we must cross the divide into the unknown. 

I know I said earlier that there are moments where things will never be the same again, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  It can be giving up a vice, it can be engaging with people differently, it can be learning to take a pause before replying to people.  Liberation takes many forms either in a drastic change or in simply letting go of what no longer serves.  That precipice can be crossed in simply setting down what we are not.  Suddenly what looked monumental is pretty tame. 

I believe wholeheartedly that we all deserve freedom.  I don’t believe we are here to sit behind some desk pushing numbers 40-50 hours a week and then be rewarded with a few week’s vacation.  We crave variety and substance and joy but we build our lives around monotony and repetition.  Sometimes the freedom we seek is in our mind.  We keep ourselves caged because we lack faith in ourselves or fear that we will be rejected or fail.  But it is liberating to try something that you know is who you are, even if it doesn’t turn out. 

So, as I went through my concerns/boredom with my day to day, I started asking what it was I didn’t like.  As I went through that list, I had to open up to the things that I knew I wouldn’t be able to change.  For example, I knew I wouldn’t be able to just pick up and fly to another country—I’m pretty well settled here and now would not be the time to up and leave my family to start over somewhere.  I’m not able to up and leave my job, nor am I able to piss away money on more junk I don’t need.  While those are the parameters, they do not change that there are things I CAN do.  I can take the time to shift my focus inward again.  I can take the time and focus on what I can give to others and bringing value to someone else.  I can focus on my family and enhancing the time we have together.  I can work on my projects.  I can finish setting up the house.  There are things I can add to my foundation to get me where I want to be someday.  That is the greatest freedom of all. 

“The idea of love in shamanism is to honor your existence,” Shaman Durek.  I felt it was appropriate to change the tune a bit, especially after talking about struggle with self-harm.  That is an extreme example of the lowest place we can get to when we don’t love ourselves.  In reference to Durek’s quote, when we loathe ourselves enough to do harm, it is a complete dishonor of our existence.  Speaking directly from experience, I can say that is true.  It is also true that when you don’t love yourself, you can’t love others.  There is the illusion of love when we attach and give freely to someone else, but it isn’t love when you give your energy to someone in exchange for the crumbs of life.

I’ve spent many years working on coming back from those depths.  It has been some of the most painful and soul crushing work while simultaneously elevating me to new heights.  Learning about love is 100% an inside job.  I can say it is a work in progress but it feels so different on this side.  I look at myself differently.  To learn to love, you HAVE to look at yourself differently.  You have to learn to find your value over waiting for someone to tell you you’re worthy.  And you have to learn to trust yourself.  The longest relationship we will ever have is with ourselves so break the dysfunction. The more we honor ourselves, the more we are able to honor others.

I struggled for years with social anxiety as well as an inherent distrust of people.  All of that came from the belief I needed to prove myself to everyone…all the time.  Also the dysfunction of expecting others to make me happy if I did something for them.  That is not honoring existence.  That is performing for acceptance and it is exhausting.  The hardest part is to stop and get comfortable being with yourself.  As a society we are trained to believe that activity is synonymous with productivity so taking any time to stop goes against what we were taught as normal.  But stopping IS the key.  Being able to pause and recognize what we really need is key.

I think that is the point we often miss: knowing who we are and living in our authentic integrity is what honoring our existence is about.  We were never meant to follow the same path.  We were meant to complement each other, not complete each other.  In order to do that we need to freely express who and what we are without reservation.  We need to see the value in what others can do.  But that still starts with us.  It starts with seeing our own value and knowing we are able to contribute to other people and society as a whole.  That is when we feel comfortable enough to take up the space we were given merely by existing.    

So take the time to do what you want to do with your one life.  The only thing holding you back are the limits of your own mind.  Be free, be wild, be love, be fulfilled, take that energy and cherish every second of your life because to do anything less is to snub your nose at the most precious gift anyone will every receive: the chance to live.  Remember, living and existing are two different things.  We can live the same day on repeat for nearly a century and that is not living—that is only existing.  Thrive and enjoy and love—that is how you honor your life.

Disclaimer: sensitive subject matter related to self-harm

“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love how long would it take for you to name yourself?” Gabby Bernstein.  I hated myself for a really long time.  I tried to kill myself, I spent my days wallowing in a stew of hateful, horrible thoughts, I hurt myself and I certainly didn’t care.  I tried to pinpoint the reason behind such violent self-aggression and I couldn’t.  I mean, I know the events that led up to me hurting myself (I discussed this in my story Scars.  Please note that series has sensitive subject matter as well.) but I can’t pinpoint what it was in my brain that said, “Cutting yourself is the answer or swallowing a bottle of Tylenol will do it.” Even after I recovered, I still spoke to myself like I was disposable.  A decade after the physical self-harm, I was still hurting myself.

When I read this quote, something hit me: the things you want in life will never happen if you keep treating yourself like garbage.  When you live in a perpetual cycle of self-hatred, how can you ever see the good?  I certainly didn’t believe the good would come and I watched as people succeeded in things they wanted, and experienced the freedom I wanted, and functioned and thrived after making mistakes.  And I became resentful at first.  What made them so special that they didn’t have to have their mistake thrown in their face?  Well, you keep bringing it up—no one is throwing it in your face except yourself.  I did it to myself.  No one told me I was unworthy—I did that on my own and they responded based on what I was willing to take.

Self-love is a tough one when we either have an underlying chemical issue (anxiety, depression, etc.) and when we are trained that self-love is selfish and wrong or indulgent.  The truth is we need love more than anything in this world and we NEED to love ourselves.  We have to care.  We can’t expect others to feed us what we need or to make our goals happen.  We need to learn to believe and trust ourselves enough to make it happen.  Now, don’t misunderstand: our worth isn’t tied to our achievements either, but knowing that we are capable helps boost our morale.  We are also trained to look at the negative all the time so seeing something we’ve done in a positive light is a huge boost. 

It took me every bit of 37 years to treat myself like I gave a damn.  I mean, before that, my ego would pop in quite often and tell me I was the shit only to be cut down just as quickly which would send me spiraling again.  I’m ok with that because any confidence that comes from the ego isn’t real anyway.  The point is, to really care and to want to be here took a long time.  To realize that I was worth being here and I had something valuable to contribute took even longer.  Embracing my humanity and softening the edge I brought to the world allowed the pieces of me that I hid to come out.  And those were the pieces I nurtured.  I hope to help nurture that in some of you as well.     

I still struggle some days to love who I am.  I’m flawed and I always held those mistakes against myself, like some sick tally letting me know how unworthy I was of anything.  But I’ve turned that around and learned to learn from those mistakes.  A perfect life isn’t the goal and it’s totally unrealistic.  You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love.  The fact that things went wrong before doesn’t mean they will always go wrong—that is a part of life. Start with forgiving yourself and loving yourself—and if you can’t do that, start with accepting yourself.  I promise it gets easier to love yourself with time.  Just try.  Remember, your humanity is what makes you amazing, that is what the world needs.  So love yourself with fervor and intensity and share that with the world. 

If you’re struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255.

“Your excuses just gave someone else an opportunity,” Via entrepreneurship quote.  I’ve spoken candidly about my misguided expectation that others would fulfill my desires if I focused on theirs.  I know I’m not alone in this whether it is something you were taught or something you picked up along the way as a survival mechanism.  When we come from that place, whether we are the ones fulfilling someone else’s desires or not, we are saying to the universe that the opportunity isn’t for us.  The universe responds and moves on.  That isn’t to say that the opportunity won’t present itself again—what is for us comes to us as it is meant to at the right time—but we delay and deny that moment by turning it down. 

We are also trained to fear success and to fear when something good happens to us.  Brene Brown calls that a foreboding joy, where when something good happens, we believe something bad will happen as well.  Like it’s too good to be true.  Maybe it’s some primal part of the brain to be suspicious of good things.  I think it’s also a bit like a drug.  When things start going well, when they are flowing as a result of alignment, it feels a bit disorienting.  We are trained to expect the worst, so we don’t react well when things are on the up.  If we can anticipate the negative and boldly proclaim, “I knew it!” if something goes wrong, then there is no reason we can’t train ourselves to react the same way for something positive. 

The majority of humans are also notoriously self-deprecating and have a skewed view of themselves.  We think believing in ourselves is arrogance or that we can’t be successful if we aren’t supported by all people along the way.  If we waited until we had the world’s permission and belief in us, we would be sitting still forever.  Stop denying yourself the opportunity because you don’t think you can do it.  Deep down you know you can.  The universe knows you can.  I can guarantee there are people in infinitely worse situations than you who have made it work.  It’s a matter of leveraging what is given to you and sharpening the skills that need work. 

One topic I’ve also mentioned a few times is that if you have the idea, it is meant for you.  So many amazing things start in this world because someone says, “wouldn’t it be cool if…?”.  I KNOW you’ve had that moment too.  Why didn’t you go for it?  What made you wait to say someone else should do it?  Why NOT you?  Whenever you say no, the thing you want doesn’t go away, it goes to someone else.  So stop being nice, take thoughtful action, appreciate where you’re at, and look toward where you want to go.  You will be graced with the answers in so many ways once you start asking yourself what you can do instead of lamenting what you didn’t.  There is always fear—but your greatness is on the other side of that fear.  Face it.  You will never regret it, I promise you that.

“Pay attention to whom your energy increases and decreases around because that’s the universe giving you a hint of who you should embrace or stray from,” Via law of essence.  This is a tricky one.  Our society sends constantly conflicting messages about our interactions with people and how we should treat them as well as how we should react.  Ironically, even with some set of social guidance, we all tend to go against what we were trained to do anyway…meaning if we are told to be nice and to accept people, we still struggle to be open enough to different viewpoints.  This applies to everything from social injustice and watching it happen to voicing our opinions when we should keep quiet.  It’s all about energy and how we decide to use it.  What arguments we engage in as well as where we work and who we spend our downtime with.  How we spend our time says a great deal about the person we’ve decided to become as well as the results we get.

Now we throw in people pleasing.  I’ve spoken quite extensively on the fact that I grew up with the belief that I should sacrifice my own interests or opportunities in the hope that people would do the same for me.  In the plainest sense, it is a sweet belief.  One founded on the ideal that people will help each other and will do the right thing, that people are fundamentally good.  While that may hold true, what kind of person does that behavior really attract?  It attracts opportunists and people who have no respect for boundaries.  When you have no boundaries, people will jump at the opportunity to get what they want from you.  Even if it’s them prioritizing their wants over your needs.  To that point, protect your energy.  If it’s ever a choice between getting what you need versus what someone else wants, you win every time—and that is not selfish.

As social animals, we want to be accepted and we tend to mold ourselves to the crowd in order to get that acceptance.  But all interactions are an energy exchange and if we aren’t being honest, then we can end up spending our time doing things that aren’t in our best interest, or simply, that aren’t founded in who we are.  Don’t get me wrong, we need social interaction, but it needs to be genuine and it needs to serve a purpose.  As what your purpose is.  I will always caveat that with the fact that we need to give people a chance to show their true colors and we should never judge a book by its cover.  That doesn’t negate that we have a say in what we accept in our lives or the behavior we accept from ourselves.  Sometimes we have to create the line clearly and stick with it even if it goes against the group. 

With that being said, we also have to take the time to define who we are and who we want to be.  There are times your social group or your work group is genuinely perfectly fine but you hear a different calling.  You know you no longer belong because you’re meant for something different.  This can be the most difficult position to be in.  I mean, it’s pretty clear if you’re hanging out with people stuck in a dysfunctional or negative pattern with no desire to change that you won’t get anywhere.  But when there are highly functioning people who support you, but your ideas and ideals start to veer off a bit, what do you do?  You need to make a decision.

A quote attributed to Jim Rohn says, “You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.”  I actually have another piece I wrote about that a while ago.  When it comes to making decisions about the life you want, you have to look at the company you keep as an indicator of where you will go.  It’s all a choice. When you are with someone who makes you feel good, is it a reciprocation of energy or is it a high?  Do the people you spend time with motivate you or deplete you?  There is nothing wrong with protecting your energy and deciding you want to do something different.  There is nothing wrong with changing the company you keep if you are not motivated or excited after being with people.  While we can’t rely on people to fulfill our energy, we can expect to reciprocate energy.  We get what we give and vice versa.  We always know in our guts what is right for us so listen.  How we feel is the best indicator of what we need.  Pay attention and guide yourself.

“Absolutely everything that has happened to you in your life, has happened for a reason…and everything is a lesson and it’s part of your story.  You can see that everything is a dot on the roadmap that has led you to this exact moment.  Standing here in this moment, you are standing on another dot and this is part of the map leading you where you are meant to go,” Mel Robbins.  What a perfect follow up to our discussion on change.  This deals a bit more with regret and the inability to change what has happened.  I’ve paralyzed myself with regret before.  A meeting didn’t go as planned, I flubbed a decision, or I snapped at my kid would put me in a state of self-loathing.  Clearly I was incompetent if I couldn’t manage to handle these simple things, right? Wrong.

This behavior was pervasive for me.  I could detail EVERY embarrassing moment of my life all the way through to….well, today.  I know we are all hard on ourselves, but I could not get over certain things I had done.  None of them were life-altering mistakes, but they were enough that I took a personal hit.  I would let that stop me from moving forward or I would spend a profuse amount of time apologizing and improving to never do it again.  Hell, I would find myself randomly thinking about awkward social moments from my high school days and how I should have played it out.  I even remember incidents as a child—like five years old—that still make me cringe.  I am a fully grown adult, I have a successful career, a side gig I love, a fabulous husband, an amazing kid, and I am by all means incredibly fortunate—so why the hell would these random thoughts creep up?  I wish I knew…

What I do know is that sitting with those thoughts served nothing.  I can’t change the past (nor do I really want to), the moments are so long gone I highly doubt anyone remembers them, and the toxicity of holding onto them was only holding me back.  In the process of self-forgiveness/improvement/evolution, we have to recognize that we are not who we were when we made those mistakes and that everything changes.  Those events taught us something, but we are not there anymore.  We spend so much time clinging to irrelevant crap that we miss the next step in front of us.  Don’t get so blinded by what was that you lose sight of what may come—I’ve said it before, I will say it a million times again.  Don’t lose sight of what may come.   

We can’t take away what we’ve done but we have the ability to make peace with it.  We have the ability to integrate it and make it part of who we are and we have the ability to redefine who we are because of or in spite of what happens.  It is all happening for us, not to us.  I used to hate that.  I mean, how can everything make sense when there are horrible things happening?  But it hit me: if you’re witnessing something awful, if you’re experiencing something awful, you are the one meant to bring attention to it.  You are meant to share that story.  And if you’re celebrating and things are wonderful, you’re meant to share that too.  The human experience is complicated, frustrating, exhausting at times, and even terrifying.  But it is also beautiful, precious, simple, and exhilarating.  Make the choice on how you want to see it.  Even if this is a tough moment, keep looking for the next dot.

Today I am grateful for family.  We spent the entire day Saturday doing family stuff.  It felt absolutely amazing.  I am so privileged to be able to get out and enjoy nature with my husband and son and I am so grateful to enjoy time with my siblings and parents.  This world feels so harsh sometimes…and we all need little reminders of the gentleness that exists.  We have to make room for it, whether it is getting out on the water or making an incredible homemade dinner.  I cherish my time with my family.  I wouldn’t be where I am without them and I am so happy to create something that will make everyone comfortable in the future.

Today I am grateful for positive influences in my life.  I spent a lot of time looking at other people and feeling left out, like I had done something wrong to no be able to acquire what they had or to be where they are.  I started doing some real internal work and evaluated where that mindset was coming from.  Then I started shifting what I allowed into my world.  I wanted authenticity, I wanted honesty, I wanted progress, and I wanted purpose and I cut out what wasn’t that.  Changing what (and who) you surround yourself with changes everything.

To add to that, today I am grateful for humility.  I found myself in a small spiral of comparison-itis where I went down the trap of looking at an old friend’s feed and finding myself really jealous.  In that moment, I saw this person and realized she had done nearly everything I wanted to do with my life—and still want to do.  Everything from going to Paris and London to creating lasting relationships with people, to having kids with her friends, to accepting her life exactly as it was.  Now, I’ve known this woman for a long time and she is NOT one to share a highlight real.  I’ve seen her work her way through demons and constantly get crapped on and stand up on the other side.  What she shares is simply what has happened, and while I don’t begrudge her anything (honestly I don’t—like I said I’ve see her through her darkest days), I found myself wallowing that it hasn’t happened to me.  But I stopped myself.  I have an amazing life and I am so fortunate and her successes don’t minimize mine.  My time will come.  We are just on a different path.    

Today I am grateful to recognize limits.  I have been pushing a lot lately because I know I can do more and I’ve recognized where I’m lazy.  Lazy is not a limit, and that is a key distinction.  I’m talking about when I’ve been actively making an effort where I’m able and where I need to and stepping up when called.  I’ve been in that mode for a while and I think I’ve fixated on one area while needing to expand on others.  I’ve been pushing myself to keep up with my side work—which needs to be done—but I have been worn out and struggling to complete it. I’m tired.  Not that I want to quit, but I know pushing when I’m in that state will not create productive material or be a productive use of time.  So I’m happy to recognize limits in that when I’m striving to create a more creative life, I need to be able to transition when things aren’t working.

Today I am grateful to move my body.  I’m not a young kid anymore and sometimes it’s easy to ignore the passage of time when you’ve been with the same person for two decades.  We’ve changed energy, yes, but we feed off of each other.  That’s how we’ve made it work for so long.  Regardless, I felt myself getting physically lazy from being mentally drained, and I knew I had to get off my butt and do something.  Plus I knew I needed to do something different to clear that mental fog.  As fate would have it, I found my old roller blades.  I had been debating buying roller skates to try something completely new, but the timing saw that I got what I needed.  I haven’t roller bladed in over 20 years but I was able to get right back up and into it.  Not gracefully or anything, but you know, I didn’t die…small victories 😊.  It felt so good.

Today I am grateful to try something new.  We’ve been in the new house for a few months and we’ve spoken with our neighbors, but I’ve kept my guard up.  This morning, a lovely calm settled over us after a storm, and the sun came out.  We all just happened to go outside within a few minutes of each other and we stood talking and sharing stories.  It felt like a different kind of welcome.  It was the first time I’ve allowed myself to be seen with this group and it felt really nice.  Honestly, it felt like the beginning of something we can do for a long time and I am grateful to find a new support system.

Today I am grateful to be.  I am truly happy where I am.  The urge I have to keep pushing forward is not a matter of glossing over where I’m at, it’s an excitement for what I know is possible.  There was a point I never thought I would even get here.  And I am so grateful for the steps that brought me here.  I feel like I have the foundation for the next steps in my life, and I don’t take that for granted.  I am grateful to fulfill my purpose.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.