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“I’m in awe of the magnificent guidance that’s available to me,” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  I drew that card this morning when I was literally asking for advice.  I specifically asked for guidance on how to handle the day and that was the answer.  For me that meant to be open to all of the different kinds of guidance in the universe.  There are signs everywhere as long as we pay attention.

We have to learn to look at what is happening and understand it for what it is trying to tell us.  When we’re in a hurry and we hit a red light or a ton of traffic, maybe the universe is telling us to find another route to avoid an accident, or maybe the person we are meeting is running late as well.  It’s easy to get caught up in the frustration and give into the fear during the moment and lose sight of any other messages.  In order to avoid that type of frustration, like with most things, it’s about retraining the mind.  It’s about not giving into the emotion or the power surrounding you.  It’s about retaining your power.

It is a lot of work to not give into long rooted patterns.  Emotional control is easily one of my biggest challenges.  I’m a passionate person and it never occurred to me to NOT give into what I was feeling.  So it took a lot to start looking for the signs before allowing myself to “go there” emotionally.  It can be a certain feeling in your body or a recurring thought.  Let the way you’re feeling be a trigger to you to pay attention.  Notice that you’re leaning toward the old reaction and pause.  Take all the time you need to redirect until the feeling passes.  Again, I don’t profess this is easy.

While this kind of training is difficult, it is incredibly rewarding to have peace of mind.  Decisions come easier when you pay attention to what is around you because you feel connected.  Connection is what we are all really striving for but we sometimes become distracted by what we need to be connected to.  As I mentioned above, there is guidance available everywhere.  Just because a message comes in a different guise doesn’t mean it’s not a message for us.

I read a lot of advice and self-help because I am trying to be the best version of myself.  I have to remind myself that just reading that material isn’t enough to be that version I see of myself: it takes practice.  So when I see something that is reminiscent of what I was reading of working on no matter how mundane, I always take it as confirmation that I’m on the right path.  Sharing the guidance I receive after I can speak to putting it into practice is what I enjoy doing.  I want people to be able to see the messages they are so desperately seeking when they need them most.

I believe that people can always do their best.  Put all the insecurities aside and all of the self-doubt and just let yourself out of the cage.  Set your mind on what you are trying to accomplish and find the signs that will keep you on track.  Even if it doesn’t look how you think it should, listen when your gut is telling you to follow it.

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“I don’t have to fear my fear, I can use it as a way to get closer to love,” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  This is actually incredibly personal for me.  I am a person who, admittedly, has been fearful most of my life.  From the every day things to the BIG things, my brain has managed to warp nearly everything into something of near catastrophic proportions.  Ironically, in most cases when there was a real emergency, I was always prepared and I made it through those calmly and with flying colors.  Maybe it was the years of replaying horrific circumstances in my mind that made me prepared, maybe I was functioning in a broken state.  I digress.

For a long time I looked at life as something to control.  I thought it was just me being prepared, being the adult in the situation but really it was me wanting to call the shots over everything.  I absolutely did that out of fear.  I didn’t want to lose anything, I wanted to have the answers, I wanted to be prepared, I wanted to know what was coming, and I wanted to have a response to anything that came my way.  Again, those were all responses to fear of the unknown.

I know this started as a child because I had older siblings and my habit of proving things to people started there.  I wanted to prove I could keep up and I hated being left behind or shown that I was wrong about something because I would be made fun of for it.  It progressed from there to school as well (still as young as grade school).  I was terrified of being wrong because it seemed I was always made fun of for it.  No one taught me it was a learning experience—it was just something that I was belittled for it.  Lack of knowledge was laughable.

Then fear spread to everything.  I lost my grandfather and that cut me deeper than anything at that point in my life.  Couple that with a lack of trust with my closest family and I began to fear life itself.  I couldn’t stand the unpredictability.  I hated not knowing what was coming.  I hated not knowing period.  I became afraid, like I said, of everything.

I’ve learned to look at the things I feared in different ways.  For example, I don’t fear failure or being wrong.  I have truly adopted the mentality that failure is a learning experience.  However, brains run on the path of least resistance and for me that path still trends towards fear so my brain often comes up with new things to fear.  It likes to remind me of things that I’ve done wrong (re-living embarrassment) and it likes to remind me of the things I know will happen but don’t know when like illness and death.

The idea of making peace with each thing I fear is comforting to me.  I have had success with the small things and it gives me some hope that fear is something that I am able to live with.  Liz Gilbert says in Big Magic that fear is allowed to come along for the ride but it isn’t allowed to drive.  I spent a lot of time as a passenger to fear in my life.  I let it call all the shots including when I went out with friends or when my husband and I went out to eat as well as when we had a child.  I let it decide that I wasn’t going to go away to school, I let it keep me in a job I detested for years, and I let it prevent me from sticking with my decisions, and worst, I let it keep me from going after my goals.  I hated fear for a long time until I realized that it was my reactions to the fear that I hated, not the fear itself.

Learning to look at fear as something that needs to be loved is a challenge.  Most of us have a strong negative reaction to the emotion and recognize that it is not comfortable to sit with it so our first instinct is to push it away.  The truth is fear is just doing its job.  It’s trying desperately to protect us and sometimes it gets a little too amped.  Piggy Backing off of yesterday’s conversation about choosing our thoughts, it is up to us to look at fear for what it really is: a primal directive toward self-preservation.  We have always had the wheel—we just need to do a better job of steering where we go.  Leaning into fear and making a collaborative agreement with it can lead us to love—because we are learning to love the darkest parts of us.

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“My ability to receive is measured by how much I practice good feeling thoughts,” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  This message has come up for me a lot.  I never looked at manifesting as receiving.  I know that’s silly, but I always looked at it as creating or working with the universe to bring something to fruition.  I had to learn that manifesting, while it is about co-creating, IS about receiving.  It is also a gift in itself.

Moving forward into the new year is all about maintaining control.  Emotional control, that is.  It’s about understanding that it’s necessary to cultivate a sense of awareness that allows you to decide your state at all times.  It’s understanding that our decisions take us where we want to be, not what happens to us.  When you have that understanding you know you can choose your thoughts.

This is an art that does require practice—and I am guilty of allowing myself to get carried away with what I’m feeling in the moment.  A lot.  I have become acutely aware that if I want to make progress that I need to take charge of the things I can control—and the only thing that any of us really have control over are our actions and emotions.  Even if there are thoughts that come to mind, we can take the time to acknowledge them and move on.  It’s a lot of effort but it is effort well worth it.  Liz Gilbert speaks of her friend Richard from Texas in Eat, Pray, Love and how he told her that you have to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes and I love that.

Cultivating good feeling thoughts allows the space for our deepest desires to come to life.  It allows the space for the things we want to manifest in the world.  This happens because when we feel good we are in alignment with our purpose and that purpose brings us fulfillment.  It also shows trust in the universe because we are being playful and going with the process, knowing that the process will get us where we need to be.

So the goal is to practice, practice, practice those good feeling thoughts.  Learn to recognize what helps us illicit that emotion and how to leave behind the things that don’t.  The things we want are on the other side of what we are afraid of.  They are on the other side of what we are afraid to let go of.  They are also on the other side of what we are afraid to admit to ourselves.  Learning what works for us, what feels emotionally good to us, helps us to discover the things we really want rather than constantly doing what we think we have to do.

Once we accept that we are meant to feel good and that we are meant for more than we have ever been told, we will see the results begin to shift in our lives.  We can learn to work through challenges because we see them as opportunities or we move onto something that is better for us.  Feeling good is the start.  Make the choice to feel good mentally and to maintain emotional control and watch what happens.

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I read Lena Dunham’s post today about lessons to take into 2020.  She wrote about going slower than you think you should because it ultimately adds up to more.  On this first day of 2020 that is a lesson I take to heart.  I’m struggling today with the little projects that genuinely looked little when I began them and then turned into an ordeal.  I literally have NO idea how that happened.  It was nothing major (just taking down interior lights and the small trees) and somehow the fucking carpets ended up cleaned, the kitchen floor washed, my son’s toys put together.  I seriously don’t know.  That’s how much auto-pilot is on for me.

I think it’s important to re-evaluate the necessity of going slow.  I’m not talking about neglecting things that need to get done, but learning to take your time in doing it.  I had to stop several times during the clean up today because I started feeling ill again.  A feeling that I hate (as I mentioned a few days ago) is helplessness.  I hate being captive to things outside of me.  And it’s even harder to accept that it’s my own body making the decisions for me.  I’m used to being able to accomplish a certain amount in a certain time and now that I can’t I feel like I’m up fighting to even stay awake.  There’s nothing I can do about it either.

So, in the spirit of shifting perspective, going slow can be the exact thing I need right now.  I had been expecting myself to enter the New Year with a bang, taking on my business and my projects and unveiling them to the world and storming forward.  I still want to do those things, that hasn’t changed, but the energy I thought I would have is absent.  It’s definitely making me think more clearly about the next steps I need to take.  There is value in going slow.  As Lena said, you ultimately get more out of it in the long run.

Admittedly, I have plowed through most of my life looking for the end result without taking a moment to savor what’s in front of me in the moment. Honestly, I think I wanted to get it done as fast as I could so I could enjoy the result more. The Universe is telling me in its own way that it’s time to take in what is around me now.  I am here NOW.  There is beauty now.  You get more substance from the end result and it lasts longer when you take the time to go through it all.

I don’t want to rush my life away–I want to revel in it.  That means enjoying the stinky parts, the difficult parts, and yes, even the slow parts.  All of that together is what makes life.  We can’t slice and dice or close our eyes through the stuff we don’t like.  I was in the middle of working on this content when my kid had a melt-down and I knew he needed a nap.  So I had to stop and put his little boy mind at ease and get him into bed and stay with him until he fell asleep.  There is nothing wrong with that.  He knows that mommy is there for him to help him when he needs it.  I wanted to be a more present parent and I did that.  The work still got done.  Time isn’t the enemy—our perception of it is.  So don’t be afraid to slow down.  It will all unfold as it should;  that is trust, that is peace.

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Just a short post tonight since I’m feeling a little off.  I’ve been dealing with illness in the house for the last week and it finally hit me hardcore last night.  I’ve been in kind of a daze for the last 24 hours, not feeling right.  I feel like I’m caught in-between where I’m supposed to be and where I am.  Maybe it’s the holidays being over or maybe it’s the sense of unmet expectations coupled with being sick, but I feel off.  At the same time, I feel a sense of anticipation, like I’m at the precipice of something waiting for me to begin—but I’m not sure what the next steps are.  Everything has been so out of whack this week that it’s left me feeling like I’m on some fairly unsteady ground.  I know I have to do some re-grouping because I don’t want to continue feeling like this.

My first step at this point is to get healthy again.  I haven’t been very well rested and I’ve been dehydrated and not feeling well for a few days so I know I’m not thinking clearly.  Couple that with the holiday chaos and I’m definitely distracted and off-kilter. That leads to the next step: get clear.  I have to keep in mind that this isn’t normally how I function and that I will make better choices when I am healthy.  I have some big goals for the next year and I don’t want to bring this mental clutter forward.

Getting clarity also means clarity on where I’m at mentally and not allowing myself to fall into it.  Right now I’m just overwhelmed and I’m emotional.  Sometimes when you’re overwhelmed or not feeling well, the only thing you can do to get out of it is take a single step.  It’s also important to keep perspective.  All of the things I’m looking to accomplish can be done with small steps.  I don’t need to have it all solved right now—none of us do.  All we have to do is take one step.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling to not know which way to go.  It’s also a powerless feeling and confusing.  But it’s only a feeling and it passes.  So sit with it and listen.  Maybe it’s just a difficult state of mind that will resolve.  Maybe you’re being guided to something bigger.  Or maybe you’re just not feeling well and waiting to heal.  Breathe.

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After a crazy two days, I’ve received the universal message to buck up.  I’m choosing to look at it as a sign that I am meant for bigger things than childish whining about things people deal with every day.  One of my goals has been emotional control and I can only do that if I don’t allow myself to sink into the emotions as they are happening.  I’m not sure if people agree with me one way or the other (is it really just whining or is it justified in some way) but I have to look at the message for what it is: focus on what is really important rather than what did or didn’t go my way.

I received a rewards coupon for a store and wanted to use it today.  I had used one of my gifts for Christmas to buy something else for my husband so I wanted to buy a movie for myself—nothing extravagant, just the movie.  While we were there I figured we could also pick up a card for our gaming unit and rent a movie for the whole family—I had more than enough on my rewards coupon.  While checking out I was informed that the coupon couldn’t be used on digital codes (the card for the gaming unit) so I said fine, that’s my fault for not reading the coupon.  I then asked to have it applied to the movie only and was told that I couldn’t do that because the total purchase had to be greater than that of the coupon.  I walked out after declining the purchase because I had no intention of spending more money today.

My husband bought himself some ear buds and after finding out that I couldn’t use the coupon myself, he then went back in and had the coupon applied toward his purchase.  I felt myself going down the old path of anger followed by the pity party.  I mean, seriously?  I’ve had an incredibly stressful week and now I’m not even allowed to spend $15 on myself?!  But my husband can spend limitless amounts on himself while I pick up the slack?  I’m honestly still a little irked by that one.

When we got home I felt the need to ask for some guidance.  The card I drew from Gabby Bernstein’s Super Attractor Deck was “When I introduce joy to a situation I change the vibrational frequency of what’s happening around me.”  So basically just look at the situation differently.  If I want to feel differently, I have to behave differently.  I don’t know if there is a right or a wrong but the universe has clearly been showing me that it isn’t about me—at all.  It’s time to make the shift to doing what matters and taking control of my own behaviors and reactions.  If I want to be a person who looks at the big picture then I need to remind myself of that before letting my emotions get the best of me.

The things that annoy me are really simply annoying my ego.  I know I have nothing to be truly upset about and I am not truly lacking.  There are better ways to care for myself than spending money on things (even if it’s a coupon).  Yes, it’s annoying in the moment because there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it.  However taking the time to look at the big picture and remember the end goal makes it easier to get through.  I’m not a victim, I’m being redirected.

During the decade in review process I came to understand that ownership of your behavior is power—not getting your way.  I’m not talking about biting your tongue to remain civil, I’m talking about honestly re-evaluating the situation and choosing your actions.  I want something bigger in my life and especially for my family.  I need to behave accordingly.

We all have those days where we feel like nothing goes right.  Sometimes those days turn into weeks or longer.  But we always have the option to turn it around.  We always have the option to ask what is being shown to us, what lesson.  It’s not an easy pill to swallow because a lot of times the situations we find ourselves in are exactly those we asked for.  We are simply being presented the choice to behave how we have always done or to look at the different path.  Sometimes that path doesn’t look how we anticipate it should but it almost always leads us exactly where we need to go.  So I’m going to sit with the frustration and look at what I’m trying to do with open eyes.  I’m going to honor that I am privileged enough to choose where I am going from here.  And I am going to be grateful as I take my next steps.