“Stop leaving and you will arrive.  Stop searching and you will see.  Stop running away and you will be found,” Lao Tzu.  I leave all the time.  I’ve never allowed myself the experience of being truly present.  I’m also constantly searching for something that will tell me who I am.  I adore reading and I’ve been going through a kick of teaching myself how to get in touch with who I am.  I’ve bought a ton of books and I may not even get to them.  But it’s a security thing—I have them and I can teach myself how to “get better.”  I’m missing the key component of actually applying what I’m looking at.  I can’t say whether or not an idea or concept is really working because I flit so quickly from concept to concept.  I want to get better, but I rarely have the patience to see it through. 

It’s uncomfortable to sit with the truth of who I am because I’ve lived my life looking for other people’s approval.  It’s easy to hide behind doing what people tell you to or to adapt to who is around you.  It’s far more difficult to stand firmly in what you believe in, to stand in your own identity.  Being a chameleon has it’s benefits, yes; being adaptable to the group you’re with, learning new things, seeing multiple points of view and understanding them are all valuable qualities.  But it’s lonely taking on the traits of those you surround yourself with because they aren’t yours.  I’ve been the chameleon my whole life.  I’ve had some fabulous experiences and I’ve met amazing people—but I was never fully engaged in what I was doing. 

I moved from group to group, always looking for a way to fulfill my need to be accepted.  I never bothered asking what others needed or what value I could bring to the table—I just wanted to be a part of something that would have me.  I was a selfish child, maybe a bit entitled, and I was terrified of being left out.  Like every teenager trying to prove how hard it is, I pushed away all the people who genuinely accepted me.  The ones who really knew me.  I isolated myself and then cried victim.  Not that this story is unique, just that I know I carried some of those traits with me into adulthood. 

Now I know it’s time to let go of fear and do the work.  More importantly, it’s time to apply the work instead of hopping from one idea to the next without seeing it through to completion or giving it the chance to succeed.  We will all die and there is no time like the present to do what feels right to you.  I’ve been running and searching and looking everywhere but inside to find my authentic self.  I mean, I’ve touched on that person but I haven’t fully integrated her yet.  It’s time to ask what I’m really bringing to the table. 

Today I am grateful for a truly beautiful start to the day.  I woke up to the cats milling about and the dog obsessively licking herself and I rolled over thinking I would have some time to stretch and wake myself up.  I was planning on getting work done and starting to clean up the house after I fed the animals.  Then my son woke up.  His little face popped up at the end of the bed and I knew none of that would get done.  For whatever reason, I didn’t freak out and I told him to climb up in bed with us and he was so happy.  I realized that my little boy is now four years old and someday that type of Sunday won’t happen.  It felt totally calm as he laid down with us and knew that I was meant to spend that time with him.

Today I am grateful for a truly relaxing weekend with my family.  We’ve been doing so much work around the house it was nice to take a day off and have fun—it’s been a really long time since we’ve had fun with each other, especially after the last few months of loss and illness.  We spent Saturday outside in the beautiful weather, playing on the scooter, laughing, feeling the wind, feeling life again.  My son had a blast learning how to ride his scooter and I had so much fun falling over and over, feeling my body move again.  The human spirit is resilient and moving my body connected me to the moment, exactly where I needed to be.   

Today I am grateful for the work I’ve done.  I am seeing results in my life.  The main thing is that I’m feeling more and more like me.  It feels like I’m stepping more and more into myself, like I’m waking up from a really long sleep.  It’s a little disorienting, but I feel the more I step into my authenticity the more I feel alive.  It is a slowing of the mind and a quickening of actions aligned with who I am.  I’m excited to see what else is in store and what else I can co-create, but for now, I feel amazing recognizing that I’m progressing and that I’m shedding the layers I’ve created over the years.

Today I am grateful to be moving forward.  We are moving on to the next chapter of our lives and we aren’t holding back.  We are awake and taking these steps consciously and purposefully.  Yes, it’s still scary and I have moments of worrying that it won’t work out but I am telling myself repeatedly that what is meant for me is coming my way—and I take the next step.  I know it’s time in my life to go on to the next thing and to create the life I really want.  It’s time to release all of the things and fears I’ve been holding onto like a crutch because they were familiar and it’s time to embrace the unknown. And for the first time, I feel ready.

Today I am grateful for a sense of peace.  The day started with one of those fleeting moments of happiness, and I do not take that for granted.  There were a few moments of tension today and we were able to take our breath and work through it.  Not once did it feel like the world was falling apart or like we had to be doing something else.  We were totally present and with each other.  We were up so early this morning that we had a really early lunch.  We just got up and went instead of waiting for the “right” time.  I know that seems little but that is a big thing for us.  We finished up some of the work we wanted to do and then we napped.  We’ve been doing that a lot lately—listening to our bodies and working as much as we can and then slowing down as needed.  It feels good.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“Fear: who am I to do this?  Love: Who are you not to?” Gabby Bernstein.  The beginning of any venture is often met with fear.  For me, it’s fear of failure, imposter syndrome, and even fear of success.  I tear myself up with the ideas of spending time on something only to have it fall apart, or worse yet, never really come together.  I fear that people will see through me, like I’m not really meant to be there in the first place.  And, yes, I fear succeeding.  I fear that I won’t be able to maintain the same level of success once I achieve it. 

I logically know that success or failure are moot points—we are meant to have the experience to get us to our purpose.  So what am I really afraid of?  Maybe it’s what people think of me, of my work, of my experience.  What if I don’t present the perfect life?!  There is no perfection—again, I logically know that, but I fight for it to find worth in myself.  It’s so easy to forget we are inherently worthy.  We let life get in the way and we assign value to how we’ve behaved in our given experiences and we label ourselves “good” or “bad” depending on what we’ve been trained to believe.  THAT is where I lost my self-worth.

From a young age my worth was tied to everything external.  My grades were the indicator of how well I was doing.  When I struggled with a class in junior high, my world started to fall apart.  I see how ridiculous that is, but it is the perfect example of why we DON’T tie our worth to something we have little control over.  We all have strengths and weaknesses, and I was taught to hide those weaknesses.  The reality is that a grade is the most arbitrary indicator of who we are and has no real weight in life.  I spent the majority of my education simply puking back facts to get a good grade and that was no real measure of success.  In fact, it kept me stuck because it started the cycle of proving that I could do something instead of teaching me to make something of my own.

We are meant to create.  We are meant to express life in all the ways I can be.  Fear served a purpose at one point and honest fear still serves the purpose of keeping us alive.  But self-imposed societal fear means nothing.  We are here for a blip in time and there is no reason why we should not express ourselves to the fullest.  There is no reason why we shouldn’t love life and experience the things we want to.  The universe is a really big place and so much of what we do has so little consequence in the end.  Man started telling stories of a heaven and a hell disguised as a moral barometer when it really was designed to keep people in line.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t treat people well or that we should forgo all social niceties—but I AM saying that we need to realize that it doesn’t matter what kind of fork we use to eat a salad. 

Everyone has an opinion but that is all it is: an opinion.  The important thing is our integrity.  Martha Beck talks about integrity not as a moralizing word but as a structure in our lives.  When we live our lives in integrity, we are in tact and living in our authenticity.  That is how we know what matters to us.  And the truth is, fear has no place there.  Often times fear won’t even show itself when we are living our truth.  So it doesn’t matter as long as we aren’t hurting people or the Earth—do what works for you.  Fear is a liar and the last indicator of what we should or shouldn’t do.  So take the leap.

In another show of synchronicity, I came across this today: “People tend to feel stuck and stifled when they’re not expressing the fullness of who they really are,” Marie Forleo.  I’d like to add that people also feel lost when they aren’t expressing who they really are.  So maybe the anger I’ve been feeling really wasn’t anger—it was feeling stifled.  It feels like you’re always looking for something, like what you have isn’t complete.  So you look for external validation or external things to make you feel better.  We are trained to ignore everything inside of us that tells us who we are—the answers are all there just waiting for us to acknowledge them.  But we tell ourselves, we tell our children repeatedly, “You want X, you should be Y, you can’t be happy without Z, It’s supposed to be A,” and that is the mindset that we perpetuate.  Then we get older and we look around and we feel a certain emptiness.  It’s the emptiness that comes from time passed that we wish we had spent better than we did.  It’s the missed opportunity or the frustration that what we were supposed to do didn’t bring us what we want.

When it comes to our likes and dislikes and how our brains function, we are different.  I’m not talking on the biological level where we are essentially the same thing (except for maybe the combination of hormones and other triggers we have).  I’m talking about the parts of us that make us who we are.  THAT is where we are different.  It doesn’t stand to reason that the same path is going to make every person happy.  It isn’t statistically possible for everyone to enjoy the same thing.  So why do we continue to push the belief that we need the same things to be happy?  We need to teach introspection and how to get in touch with those pieces of ourselves that we are told to ignore.  We need to stop raising robots and accept that we are raising humans.  Perfectly flawed, thinking, breathing beings who are capable of anything if we get them out of the box.

I’ve said before that the box is what kills us but we forget that we created the box ourselves.  That means we can destroy it as well.  It’s a matter of getting past the fear of what life looks like when you realize you want something different.  It’s getting past the internal conversation between heart and brain that says, “Hey this really feels good,” “No, that won’t get you what you should have.” “Oh, you’re right, that must not be for me.”  REPEAT. 

Destroying the box can look like leaving work on time every day.  It can look like turning off the TV (or not even turning it on) so you can read.  It can look like going for a run.  It can look like signing up for that class you wanted to take.  It can look like anything that answers that little voice in your head that tells you to go for it.  The only reason we started telling people what to do is so it would serve the purpose of fulfilling the system.  There was a time that was mutually beneficial (you know, after the industrial revolution and the implementation of fair hours—haha).  But the longer that went on, the more we evolved, the more connected we became to the world, we started to wake up and realize we were looking for more.  That we needed more.  

We are blessed to be given internal cues that tell us what is for us.  THAT is what we need to sit with.  That is what we need to learn to listen to.  That is what we have to stop fearing in ourselves and others.  There was a time when different meant dangerous but we are not there anymore.  With a little shift in perspective, those differences become advantageous.  I’m reading a book by Mark Manson and he states that we aren’t all special at everything but we can be special at something.  Those are the things we need to learn to focus on.  It isn’t about being the best at everything because that makes us mediocre and miserable.  It’s about diving into the things that drive us and make us whole. 

I had a great example of this:  I saw my boss interacting with a customer the other day and it hit me: she is SO good at her job.  She loves her work and she knows what she is doing—because she loves it and invested the time in it.  I found myself thinking, “Wow, that’s what it looks like to love what you do.”  And I realized, I don’t want to be her (not that I don’t like what I do—and not that she isn’t incredible) but I want to have that feeling of loving what I do.  I want that passion.  I want to feel joy in the work I do where it doesn’t feel like work.  The best part of that: we can ALL have that feeling.  Not that everything wouldn’t look incredibly different and not that it wouldn’t take a lot of work to shift that perspective, but it’s doable.  In fact, that is what the world is crying for now—passionate people who are awake who can bring something new to the table.  I know I’m in. 

I’ve been struggling with a LOT of anger lately.  Not just frustration and annoyance but outright rage at nearly everyone and everything around me.  I feel like I can’t stand anything that is in my life right now.  I try to express a lot of gratitude for my life because I have so much to be grateful for.  Even when I’m in the middle of one of my fits, I keep that awareness.  I’m struggling to express the gratitude outside of my anger.  And I’ve been in this position before, probably a couple thousand times.  This is the test.  When life continues to throw adversity at you, in different ways all at the same time, can we still show up for the blessings we have?  I have failed to keep that in the forefront of my mind.  I feel like I despise the life I have built and I HATE that feeling.   

As fate/coincidence/timing would have it I’m reading a book about integrity by Martha Beck and she says that we often feel like this when we aren’t living our truths.  These feelings creep up when we aren’t living in our integrity.  Beck also states that we feel like this when we are trying to appease our cultural expectations or live up to our cultural training rather than living what we know is right for us.  Trying to appease anything outside of ourselves means we aren’t in our integrity.

I haven’t been honoring who I am lately.  Perhaps because I’m still working to find who I am on many levels.  Perhaps it’s because whenever I get to this point, the point where I need to push past all fears and let go of everything I’ve built, I freeze.  It’s the fear of the unknown.  I have the vision of what I want but I still struggle believing I can achieve it.  Then I waste time getting angry over how things are in my life and I lose traction on what I need to do.  I’ve been on repeat for 20 years and I can’t stand it.

I have allowed myself to achieve what I thought would bring me happiness: a stable-ish job, a house, a child, a husband, animals.  And the truth is, none of it looks how I want it to but I know I chose it all.  I feel like I agreed to half of what I wanted just so I could say I accomplished those things.  I never put in any thought to what I wanted.  And Beck is correct—we can’t get where we want when we are fulfilling someone else’s expectations or when we are in distraction.  I give into distraction all the time.  Always looking for the next thing.  I’m exhausted.  I’m always moving but getting nowhere.

So this anger is the teacher.  It is the opportunity to really examine who I am and get to the root of the stories I repeat without knowing and the start of the stories I really want to tell.  What am I angry about?  Is it the loss or is it the dishonesty?  Is it what has happened to me or is it the failed expectations of what I thought I would have?  We are only entitled to the things we are willing to create and work for.  And beyond that, what things are really important for survival?  This anger is life telling me to get back into my integrity and everything will be answered.  We all go through tough times with emotions we aren’t sure we can manage. Sometimes it isn’t about the emotion, it’s about learning to recognize what really needs to be addressed.      

Bonus points if you know where the title came from 😊

“The biggest mistake I ever made was waiting for the outside world to make me feel good instead of feeling good, thus creating the outside,” via the law of presence.  Another one I’m totally guilty of.  I bought books, toys, THINGS to the point where I couldn’t fit anything else in my house.  And I felt completely empty.  There was literally always something more to want—and that is the game, isn’t it?  We are taught to consume to feel better whether it is material, work, money, drugs, sex.  Anything to distract from where we really are and what we really need.

I don’t think I truly understood going inside and the depths of who I am until I hit the bottom a few weeks ago.  I had built up this idea of what I thought I wanted and what I thought I needed it to look like and even how I thought I needed to get there.  I thought I was saving the universe time by taking it all on my shoulders and hashing out a plan to follow on my own.  But I never stopped to ask if that was the plan I was supposed to follow.  It wasn’t until all of that fell away and I found myself in a situation where I couldn’t see beyond the hour in front of me that I realized none of the crap matters.  It all goes away in the end.  There is no baggage we can bring with us once it’s all over.

I’ve struggled with faith for a long time and that essentially boils down to a struggle with trust as well.  I was exposed to a lot of loss and a lot of transition early in life.  I was also exposed to a lot of situations that I had to figure out on my own (not that I was unique in that) where I had an expectation of what it was and any preparation I made was rendered moot because the situation turned out completely different than anticipated.  For some people, this is great exposure to learn to go with it.  They learn early on that things change in life and they learn to go within and find what is stable within themselves.  I was never taught that. 

For me those changes at an early age gave me crippling anxiety and the need to cling to the familiarity of any situation.  This isn’t to say I had an unstable home, far from it, but I was certainly not given tools to cope with change.  Having older siblings, I believe my parents overestimated my ability to change.  They forgot I was a few years behind them and hadn’t experienced all the shifts that they had.  I have always sought stability when, in reality, I was trying to find safety.  I just wanted to KNOW.  It wasn’t until many years later that I finally understood that there is no knowing in this world.  It’s learning to be adaptable, not creating the illusion of control that is really necessary.  We find comfort in routines and patterns but that isn’t what we are meant to do.     

I started to feel uncomfortable in my routines and it was cleverly disguised as anger at first.  I’d get annoyed at everything from the alarm clock to getting dressed, to the drive into work, to the drive home, to having to make dinner.  I would go through the actions every day but I hated it.  It hit me that when the routine isn’t working it’s time to change things up.  I am grateful to be “stable” enough to realize that there is never going to be one thing that will ever take away the fact that everything changes.  I’m glad to be comfortable enough in my life to start letting go of the idea that I need comfort all the time.  That can no longer be the goal because there is no growth in that.  The goal has to be growth.

The only way we grow is by doing things outside of our comfort zone.  By answering the voice that says, “Wouldn’t it be cool if…?”  And it isn’t in one THING that’s going to make you feel better—it’s actions that lead you to who you are that will make you feel better.  Understanding happiness is an inside job is key.  No one can give it to you because it isn’t a thing.  It’s a state of mind that you have to create yourself.  That is something that will look different to everyone—and that is ok.  Find yourself in letting go of the armor you’ve built around your life.  It’s on the inside, hidden behind the façade you’ve created.  You know what you need.  

“Say no when yes is a lie,” Brooke Castillo.  Following up on the discussion about focusing on your life and how things become clear, I felt this quote fit in perfectly for a quick discussion.  I feel this is the first step in learning how to change your focus.  Start asking yourself what feels good.  If it doesn’t resonate then it’s ok to say no.  If you say yes and feel like it isn’t genuine then say no.  It doesn’t matter if you feel obligated for any reason—if it isn’t for you and if it doesn’t work for you then say no.

For socially anxious people it can be challenging because you are always focusing on what other people may think and what their reaction is going to be.  But the art of connecting with your authenticity is a far better guide than whatever anyone tells you.  And no matter what, it is absolutely ok to say no when you need to. 

I think it’s important to understand that it doesn’t have to be big things, either.  If someone comes into your office while you’re in the middle of something and they’re asking for help with something, or if they just want to chat and you don’t have time, explaining you don’t have time is a form of saying no.  Saying yes to giving energy and time you don’t have is a lie because you don’t have the energy to give.  And that is FINE.  We aren’t meant to be on all the time and we aren’t designed to give all the time—we have to fill our own cups as well.

It’s also important to know the opposite of the quote as well—we need to learn to say yes to what is important to us.  If it seems like an opportunity we want to take then say YES.  Don’t hesitate.  Take the opportunity when it presents itself and don’t worry if it isn’t what was expected.  If it feels right and it crosses your path, it was meant to be.  It is for you.  Hint: anything that doesn’t feel right is probably not in alignment with your goals.

The ability to say yes or no largely depends on how in tune we are with our personal barometer of what we are trying to achieve.  The more self-awareness we have, the easier it is to distinguish what we actually want, and THAT is what makes all the difference in the world.  Being in tune with what really matters is our guide to knowing what is a lie and what isn’t.  It’s up to us to remain truthful to ourselves.        

This past Saturday was a rough one with my son.  We are putting new flooring down in the living and dining room, and it is such a small area that most of the first floor is a wreck.  It’s a small enough space that we are trying to get it done really quickly, but it’s detailed work so it’s time consuming.  My kid has no patience for anything—not that any four year old does—and we struggled with his tantrums all day.  They weren’t his normal type of tantrums, they were the rare explosive, full on losing his mind type of tantrum that he saves for special occasions.  My husband nor I were equipped to deal with this today since we are trying to get a  major project done and we were put in our place.

My kid didn’t care what we were doing or why.  He just knew he wanted more attention and he wanted to go outside and he wanted nothing to do with the work we had to get done.  He’s four, it makes total sense—he didn’t really do anything out of the ordinary except for the level of sass he let out.   Since the loss of my pregnancy, I have been very cognizant of my son’s needs and I have been really good about my temper.  I lost my mind and didn’t know how to get back.  I love my son, I am grateful for my son, but I couldn’t even distinguish him in my rage. 

Losing my temper with him made me question whether I’m a fit mother and I felt like a terrible person.  We are so fortunate, I know I shouldn’t let the little crap bother me—but it does in a really big way.  And I don’t want to be like that anymore.  I want to be that person who goes with it but I still find myself highly irritable and agitated when things aren’t the norm for me.  I know that was part of my I was so short tempered with my boy.  My brain couldn’t handle the overwhelm of a major project and a toddler’s constant wheedling.  That doesn’t make me a bad mom or a bad person—it makes me human.

Yes, I regret yelling at him. I don’t want to destroy his love of exploration and his curiosity.  I do NOT regret setting a boundary with him because he is coddled and spoiled as an only child.  I think we all struggle finding the middle ground from time to time and Saturday was that day where the ground felt like it was falling out from beneath me.  I’m trying to give myself lee way for the stress of the last few months on top of the overwhelm with work and life in general.  I’m also trying to hold myself accountable for sticking with the person I want to be—not the habits I’ve adopted to deal with discomfort amidst change. 

We are all learning every day.  Whether it is a house project or something at work or in any of our relationships, we all have things to learn.  We are also complicated humans so we reserve the right to change who we are at any time.  That is ok.  There is space for an identity that doesn’t fit in a single box.  We are allowed to be this AND that.  We are allowed to make our own boxes or to destroy them all together.  When it comes to parenting, that game changes on a daily basis.  I love my child and one bad day doesn’t make me a failure.  It means I’m learning.

Today I am grateful for boundaries.  I set some important boundaries with my husband today.  We have a bad habit of taking on more than we can chew and then trying to back out of it.  I told him that it’s time to purge and get rid of the things that no longer serve us or our goals, and it is time to stop sabotaging ourselves by hiding behind material things.  We created a cycle of wanting to achieve a goal and then spending time preparing and buying things to get there and then letting it fizzle out.  It isn’t about having stuff, it’s about what you do.  I transitioned us to goal setting and following through.  It also involves being honest and recognizing our limits before we overwhelm ourselves.

Today I am grateful for the boundaries I set for myself as well.  I understand that more isn’t always better—sometimes you need to take on just what you can do whether it is realizing you can’t replace the floor in the living room on your own or you only need one burrito at lunch, sticking within your doesn’t make you less than—it makes you healthy.  It doesn’t mean you’re a failure, it means you know what you can commit to and still manage to do it well while taking care of yourself.    

Today I am grateful for a do-over.  We had a rough Saturday (more to come on that this week) and I was not proud of how I behaved.  I am grateful to wake up today and know that I am able to do better than I did.  I am grateful to try again and to approach a challenging situation from a place of love.  

Today I am grateful to remember love.  Continuing on second chances, I had to remember who I want to be.  I don’t want to be an angry kill-joy obsessed with perfection.  I want to enjoy life and I want to bring love and a sense of joy to the every day.  I am lucky to have the people in my life that I do and I would rather enjoy the time with them as they are than lament the time I have with them wishing they were someone else living up to my expectations.  I am blessed to have the support I do and I do not take that for granted.

Today I am grateful for authenticity.  Every day I’m working to say yes to who I am and no to who I no longer want to be—to say no to the things that don’t work for me any longer.  I’ve been on edge the last week but I have also never felt more empowered.  Living the live I want has involved taking massive responsibility and accountability for the way things are.  I’ve been sitting with some tough truths about decisions I’ve made that have gotten me where I am today.  There are parts of me that I am still working on but I’m seeing how even the “darker” portions serve a purpose.  I am not meant to play small.

Today I am grateful for action.  This has actually been a theme for me the last few weeks and it really does feel good.  I used to approach my day with the things I “have” to do—and waking up with that mentality immediately creates a sense of obligation for the day.  I’m now grateful to look at the day as the things I want to do or the things I get to do.  That little change in mindset makes it all doable.

Today I am grateful for clarity.  Living with anxiety is truly difficult because most days get clouded by overwhelm with all the things I’ve taken on or with the sense of obligation that I mentioned above.  I’m learning that having a true sense of clarity, a plan for the day based on goals you want to achieve (for that day only) makes it a lot easier to accomplish things.  It takes away the sense of burden in the day to day and replaces it with a sense of peace.  I can’t master everything, but I am able to take on what I’ve set up for myself.

Today I am grateful for feeling whole again.  I’ve felt so lost the last few weeks.  Incomplete and unsure of what to do.  I felt halfway between the lost child and the wounded woman and everywhere between the two.  On Saturday I felt completely useless.  Nothing had gone how I thought it would and I questioned my capabilities on everything from my career to motherhood to being a wife to whether or not I was able to finish projects around the house.  Today I woke up and took a walk with the dog.  I hydrated and fed all the animals.  I watered my plants.  Then I sat down and got to work.  I took my son out while my husband worked on the house.  We ate lunch together today and sat out on the deck in the sun for about 25 minutes.  Then we napped.  The simple action of getting to the store and completing the tasks we needed was so reaffirming to me because I haven’t been able to do anything on my own for the last few weeks.  It was nice to feel like I could function again and that I could accomplish something.  Recharging after lunch made me feel like there is so much life left.  I am still here.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead

Crazy how everything suddenly gets better once you focus on your life.  Once you let go of the bullshit and all the crap you tell yourself the rest becomes clear.  It’s a fine line where we have to do what is right for us but we also need to recognize that our actions have impact.  The key is understanding that our actions are meant to impact others and they are meant to be in service of others.  But it isn’t our obligation to do what others tell us.  Our responsibility is identifying our strong points and sharing that with others.  We aren’t meant to subvert or be subservient to others.  The world has a wealth of resources, more than enough for all of us.  We are meant to fulfill ourselves to help others.

It all falls into place when we focus on what is right for us rather than what we are told is right—or what we think is right.  There is no obligation to what we are told to do.  The only obligation we have is to fulfill our purpose.  We are simultaneously so engrained with the need to create a unique identity for ourselves and to fit in all the while doing “what we are supposed to” that we are set up for failure when it comes to recognizing what we want. 

I have spent most of my life following the prescribed path.  It wasn’t until I thought I wouldn’t have another chance to do what I wanted to do that I understood what I needed to focus on.  It was then I understood what I actually wanted.  I also felt the hope of being able to take action on what I wanted.  I have been trained in the selfishness of making decisions for myself when they weren’t what other people wanted.  When I started taking action on the things that meant something to me, I was surprised how good it felt.  It was one of the least selfish things I had done.  I felt like I was able to do what I needed to do and I still had time for others.

The truth is we are fed the bullshit about how selfish it is to do what we want to do because it doesn’t serve the system we have been feeding into for centuries.  If we don’t feed the system we aren’t good consumers or participants.  People don’t know what to do with us when we are on our own.  The system, whatever it may be, whatever it may evolve into, does not serve the people—so who is really there for us?  I will make damn sure to take care of myself first because I know that I need to be at my best to do my best.  I know I need to believe I can get where I’m going and I know that I am supported by something other than the people telling me to stay in the box.  It’s all there.  Just shift your focus.