I’ve been struggling with a LOT of anger lately. Not just frustration and annoyance but outright rage at nearly everyone and everything around me. I feel like I can’t stand anything that is in my life right now. I try to express a lot of gratitude for my life because I have so much to be grateful for. Even when I’m in the middle of one of my fits, I keep that awareness. I’m struggling to express the gratitude outside of my anger. And I’ve been in this position before, probably a couple thousand times. This is the test. When life continues to throw adversity at you, in different ways all at the same time, can we still show up for the blessings we have? I have failed to keep that in the forefront of my mind. I feel like I despise the life I have built and I HATE that feeling.
As fate/coincidence/timing would have it I’m reading a book about integrity by Martha Beck and she says that we often feel like this when we aren’t living our truths. These feelings creep up when we aren’t living in our integrity. Beck also states that we feel like this when we are trying to appease our cultural expectations or live up to our cultural training rather than living what we know is right for us. Trying to appease anything outside of ourselves means we aren’t in our integrity.
I haven’t been honoring who I am lately. Perhaps because I’m still working to find who I am on many levels. Perhaps it’s because whenever I get to this point, the point where I need to push past all fears and let go of everything I’ve built, I freeze. It’s the fear of the unknown. I have the vision of what I want but I still struggle believing I can achieve it. Then I waste time getting angry over how things are in my life and I lose traction on what I need to do. I’ve been on repeat for 20 years and I can’t stand it.
I have allowed myself to achieve what I thought would bring me happiness: a stable-ish job, a house, a child, a husband, animals. And the truth is, none of it looks how I want it to but I know I chose it all. I feel like I agreed to half of what I wanted just so I could say I accomplished those things. I never put in any thought to what I wanted. And Beck is correct—we can’t get where we want when we are fulfilling someone else’s expectations or when we are in distraction. I give into distraction all the time. Always looking for the next thing. I’m exhausted. I’m always moving but getting nowhere.
So this anger is the teacher. It is the opportunity to really examine who I am and get to the root of the stories I repeat without knowing and the start of the stories I really want to tell. What am I angry about? Is it the loss or is it the dishonesty? Is it what has happened to me or is it the failed expectations of what I thought I would have? We are only entitled to the things we are willing to create and work for. And beyond that, what things are really important for survival? This anger is life telling me to get back into my integrity and everything will be answered. We all go through tough times with emotions we aren’t sure we can manage. Sometimes it isn’t about the emotion, it’s about learning to recognize what really needs to be addressed.
Bonus points if you know where the title came from 😊