My husband and I were watching TV tonight and the main characters started talking about old incidents (from years past) right as they were about to embark on a new stage in their relationship.  They began discussing the possibility of self-sabotage and how they felt they 1. Didn’t deserve each other and 2. That they may find someone more compatible/more like themselves and leave the other.

It was appropriate this evening in particular because it made me look at how I behave in my relationship, how I sabotage it.  How I sabotage the place I want us to be (and the place we said we wanted to be) by falling into old habits and letting my insecurities bring me back to old habits. 

I felt incredibly anxious about our relationship tonight because I knew my husband was upset about something.  My husband struggles at times with being alone with our son.  I know the struggle because it can be challenging to deal with a toddler, take care of two rambunctious dogs, and get anything of value done.  But I so desperately want him to engage with the family that when he starts showing me how frustrated he is, I feel like I have to jump in and intervene or find some way to make my husband happy.  The reality is we are partners and we both need to deal with the struggle of balancing what needs to be done—it doesn’t impact him any more than it does me.  Also, we have created this life together—all of these things are the result of decisions we have made and what we have built. I need to let him deal with it as much as I do. 

I don’t want to be a martyr and swoop in and save the day—I know better but I still do it because I am anxious that I’m doing something wrong and that I need to fix the situation.  In order for all of our relationships to be healthy then we have to work out our issues by facing them.  It isn’t healthy for me to fight that battle for him.  I also need to understand that these conflicts will happen naturally and that I can’t prevent them.

The other issue that came up related to self-sabotage was the fact that I can’t stand it when my husband plays video games and checks out on us—he can play for hours upon hours while things that need to be done are ignored or I end up doing them.  But when he gets in moods (like tonight), his annoyance and aggravation make me so uncomfortable that I give in.  I even went so far as to zelle him part of the money so he could buy a new gaming system tonight.  It didn’t hit me how truly messed up that was until I listened to the conversation about self-sabotage.

Here I was, so desperate and so uncomfortable with him being frustrated that I tried to provide him with the means to do something that truly gets in the way of the life we are trying to build.  In the back of my mind I hope that he would recognize what I’m doing for him and be so grateful that he will give me what I want: time together as a family.  Or even my equal share of time apart. But that is manipulative and I still end up hurt.  It’s not fair to either of us.  It isn’t his job to meet my expectations regarding what this relationship looks like: we have to set that together.  It isn’t my job to ease his annoyance with taking care of our kid. 

I don’t need to be a martyr to get what I want—it’s manipulative.  I need to work on the things I need for myself and let him work on what he needs.  That is the only way we will grow as individuals and as a couple.  I can’t be afraid that we will disappoint each other or that I need to be doing more to keep him interested and appreciative of me.  I need to stay my course and be the woman I know I am.  We’ve been together nearly two decades—and I am just now realizing my part in perpetuating this cycle.  It’s time to stop it—and the first part of that is recognizing what we are really doing. When it comes to being a martyr, it felt good to be the victim because I can justify why I haven’t gotten farther.  I can justify my guilty splurges as well—because he has his.  But those behaviors aren’t getting us anywhere.  They certainly won’t get us where we say we want to be and they are all habit based.  So for the sake of our relationship, for our individual sanity, and for the future we have been talking about, it is time to break the habits.  When you have anxiety sometimes it’s a fine line between the habits causing the anxiety and the anxiety causing the habits—but either way, awareness leads to a new path.  I’m grateful for each little reminder to keep changing and moving forward—even if it’s a TV show.

Today I am grateful for some extra nice weather.  We were able to take a long walk with the dogs today and see the animals around the lake.  It felt amazing to be out in the fresh air.  It was one of those moments where it felt like my body was screaming to move and as soon as we started walking I immediately felt relief.

Today I am grateful for time spent together.  Not only did we get to go on a walk today, my husband and I were able to spend some time together in the kitchen.  We made homemade chicken noodle soup, some butternut squash pilaf, and some chick pea hash for the week.  We’ve also been making preparations for Thanksgiving on Thursday and it has felt so nice to be working together.

Today I am grateful for everything we have been able to do during this year.  While we are approaching the holiday season and I see that people are struggling with how different things are going to look, I am grateful that we are still able to have some semblance of our tradition.  I am also grateful to remember quite clearly what is really important: this is about our time together and appreciating the gifts we have, the life we have built.  Just because it looks different, it doesn’t diminish what we have to celebrate. 

Today I am grateful for focused time with my son.  He has been in full threenager mode this year and that has been a challenging transition for all of us because he has learned to assert himself effectively.  Remembering that my son is his own person with his own thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs is hard to keep at the front of my mind.  He frustrates easily so he argues quickly—and there are times I just don’t have the patience or the time to deal with it.  Spending time with him doing what he wants to do is an effective tool but it isn’t always practical.  It was nice to give him some time to do what he wanted to do.

Today I am grateful for excitement and anticipation.  In spite of everything that has happened this year, I have seen first hand that things have a way of working out.  I’m looking forward to creating new ways to bring the magic into our household.  My husband is having a difficult time getting excited for the holidays this year (and I will not push him) but I still feel hopeful and excited to share a wonderful holiday with my family.  Even if we can’t host this year, I am still giving my son memories of us being together and having fun.  Plus there are ways we can still see the family even if we aren’t in person.

Today I am grateful for education.  I started reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. today and it is fascinating.  There is so much information available in the world, it reminds me of why I haven’t been able to decide on one thing to do with my time.  But today it gives me hope—I don’t have to settle on one thing.  Life is about alchemy and all of those topics I enjoy can find a place together somehow.

Today I am grateful for love.  No matter what my relationships have looked like, I have been blessed with an abundance of love.  I am working on loving myself more—and as we know that is one of the most difficult things to do.  But there is so much value in caring for ourselves, for setting our worth, and for sticking with it.  I am so grateful to have reminders every day of the existence of love in every form in this world. 

Have a wonderful week, everyone!             

Nikita Gill, “The ghosts of all the women you used to be are so proud of who you have become.”

I saw this quote today and paused.  I reread it several times, each more pointedly.  A feeling of slowly coming awake washed over me followed by intense sadness.  Tears pricked my eyes but wouldn’t fall.  Sometimes it’s the random moments like that that reveal what we really need—and on some level I needed a release.

The release wasn’t about recognizing those women, those other forms of me and letting them rest.  It was about the fact that I am still trying to keep all of those women alive.  For so long I’ve been trying to keep failed pieces, long forgotten fragments, lost hopes, forgotten aspirations alive.  I never let them go.  I always convinced myself that I was able to do everything.  I mean everything.  And the result was that I started living too many lives, not understanding that, in order to move forward, I would have to let something go. 

I never took the time to understand that not all paths were meant for me, no matter how capable I believed myself to be.  I never took the time to find out what path I really wanted to follow or create.  I never really took the time to mourn things I needed to let go of.  I want to preface this next statement with I do understand that not everything gets closure.  But I have to admit that in this case, I needed to create some closure in order to move forward.

As someone who lives with anxiety, it is really difficult to be in the moment simply because I often focus on the past and what I could have done differently or I focus on the future and what could go wrong.  The key that I’m focusing on now is understanding that the past or future can’t be addressed in the present.  For me it is also about developing faith and knowing that there is a reason for the way things happen.  I wrote a piece about how finding faith leads to progress.  There is progress in the realization that I need to honor my past decisions and the person I was at that time.

To who we once were, you brought us here today.  To who we will be, we are creating a foundation for you today.  On a personal note, to the ghosts I carry with me, I am ready to put you to rest.  I’m sorry for carrying you for so long when you were ready for me to let go.  I will carry the lessons with me and let you be.  I promise to make you proud.          

Today I am grateful to break patterns.  I was feeling antsy this afternoon—really restless.  Instead of trying to figure out where to go I paused and realized I needed to move my body.  I took my son for a long walk through a neighborhood we hadn’t been through before.  Even though the weather was cold and windy, we were bundled up and kept going.  My son wanted to look for his treasure so we made a game of it and enjoyed seeing the neighborhood.  I also had a moment this morning of feeling insecure.  Memories of long ago were triggered and I found myself feeling not good enough.  I quickly stopped myself by saying, “This is where you are now and you have your talents and appeal.  You are beyond this” and it really helped me.

Today I am grateful for the uniqueness of the times we are in.  In spite of challenges we have faced this year, I love seeing reminders of our resilience and that there are different ways to do things.  It seems silly but there were houses who have both their fall decorations and their Christmas decorations up.  It’s so 2020 as far as anything goes.  If it feels good, just do it.  It doesn’t matter if it isn’t what we are “supposed” to do—we can do things differently just because we like it.  To me that means there are plenty of opportunities out there to change.

Today I am grateful for purposeful rest.  Again, the weather hasn’t been the greatest, so we took time to really relax today.  I managed to get in a 30 minute nap and I felt amazing after I woke up.  I was able to get my meal prep done this morning and I even got to read for a little bit.  It all felt so right.  It’s amazing what happens when you do what you’re being called to do.

Today I am grateful to see and experience what is really important.  Family is number one for me, especially my son.  While we were on our treasure hunt I told him that he is my treasure.  In his beautiful three year old way he immediately told me that I am his mommy treasure.  Regardless of him repeating, it melted my heart and reminded me how lucky I am to be his mom.

Today I am grateful to be where I am.  It’s so easy to get caught up in where we are going and the things we want.  For the first time in a long time I am truly content to be where I am.  The truth is, I wasn’t here three years ago.  I wasn’t here even three months ago.  I am proud that I am now able to be more present.  Yes, I have more work to do and yes, I still have next level work that I am focused on—but I am content to be where I am because I am now in a position to get where I want to go.  What a blessing.

Today I am grateful for the adventure that is life.  It’s a beautiful thing to be alive because, no matter the external circumstances, we are always able to turn things around.  We are truly able to make the best of things and to deeply experience what we have.  In fact, it is often when we deeply experience what we have that we are able to make the best of things.  

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead!

Yesterday I started with a quote about the journey being about me and becoming my own savior.  In the universe’s divine way, that was put into action today.  Bear with me, this is messy but has a point.  I recognize I have a ton of healing around my anxiety and perfectionist tendencies.  With that being said, I believe that we are given lessons until we are able to learn what is meant for us. I also believe that many of those lessons come from our children. 

Too often I acknowledge my anxiety, my frustration, and my perfectionism with a flippant, “Yeah, I know it’s me being a perfectionist but I can’t help it yet.”  Given the tone of yesterday’s opening quote, it is more prevalent to me now that I need to truly do the healing if I am ever going to feel the benefits or see the rewards of that kind of growth.  Yesterday, I made the decision to firmly and completely address this so I can jump off of the dysfunctional roller coaster I’ve created; I no longer want to tip toe into the well of healing—I need to dive in head first.  To be clear, this decision was made 24 to 30 hours ago.

Over the past few months I’ve witnessed so many of my tendencies in my son.  Everything from the anxiety to the perfectionism.  He’s only three and the older he gets, the clearer this message is to me.  While we played a game tonight, he completely flipped out because he couldn’t move the pieces how he wanted to.  He started hitting himself and throwing a tantrum but he refused to stop the game.  Every time I told him how smart he is he told me, “No I’m not!” and then he would start all over again.  He even said, “I’m afraid to lose!” and I could see the frustration in his eyes. 

I remember doing the exact same thing at four years old trying to learn how to tie my shoes.  My heart nearly stopped as I saw this beautiful little boy repeating the exact same things I used to do as a child.  I couldn’t help but see myself.  In that moment pure instinct took over and I grabbed my child and hugged him as hard as I could.  I told him over and over again how smart he is and how much I love him and I asked him what he needed.  He couldn’t tell me.

The first thing I did was make him do some deep breathing.  Then I remembered some of my LMT training and I did some simple techniques to help him calm down and feel his body.  I sat with him and started asking him questions to bring his focus back to the moment (where are your arms? Where is your tummy?  Where is your brain?).  Finally I made him start thanking his brain for everything it does.  I told him over and over again that winning isn’t the goal. When that was done, I asked him how he felt and he said, “A little better.”

The universe in its wisdom holds up mirrors in those closest to us so we can see what we need.  I could have used all of these things as a child.  My parents were always very loving with me, but they attached a lot of value to success.  They never deprived me of anything, but success is what really got the attention.  With that being said they didn’t know how to talk an introverted perfectionist out of her own head.  I’m striving to do that with my child.  I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to start healing that wound tonight.  Yes, in the moment it was completely about my son and not wanting him to feel that kind of frustration, but it was also very much about my need to stop associating my worth with success.  To know that I too can let go and connect with the moment, with my body, and know what is right for me.  If you’re ever looking for the source of some needed healing, look at the mirrors you’ve brought into your life—the answers we need are often right in front of our faces. 

“Maybe right now your journey is about you. Maybe this is the season you are being challenged to be your own savior, to be your own safe place.”  Vibe of the Day

Reading this quote today made me instantly feel both peaceful and completely terrified.  Though we logically know we are responsible for saving ourselves, sometimes we get caught up in old mindsets and start looking for people to “save” us whether it is helping us get out of a situation or simply agreeing that we’ve had a string of bad luck.  We can’t always rely on other people–we have to learn to be our own guides. So I felt peaceful seeing this because it was a reminder of inner strength.

I felt terrified because I’ve never been sure I could save myself.  I still struggle to believe that I have the ability to get myself out (or even through) the situations I put myself in.  I felt sad because it is so lonely being this way.  I’m not necessarily looking for someone to rescue me but it would be nice to know without any doubt that someone has my back.  The irony of it all is that I am so controlling I rarely reach out for help—and I still fear that I won’t be able to help myself in spite of always taking care of myself.  I control my days so carefully that I simply don’t take the risks that would cause an issue.

Perhaps the way to really look at this is there is empowerment in having my own back.  It helps build authenticity navigating through life and working it out.  So, in spite of any fear or doubt, in order to move forward on this journey, I have to let go and trust that I will make it as I always have.  Lean into the discomfort of uncertainty and have faith—and do what I am called to do.  Next steps, new steps, first steps—whatever you call them they all feel shaky at first.  But we get stronger the more we keep going.

Today had its share of ups and downs so I felt the need for some inspiration. I like to draw from Gabby Bernstein’s decks and I use all three (Super Attractor, The Universe Has Your Back, and Spirit Junkie).  In that order I picked “Wanting more for others puts me into an energy of abundance,” When I think I’ve surrendered, I surrender more,” and “All that I need is coming to me in ways I could never have imagined.” 

The cards tonight are reminders that in order to get where we want to be we need to look outside ourselves and to trust—giant, bold, leaping bounds of trust.  Believing that everyone can have more and that the universe has enough to provide for all of our dreams puts us in a state of abundance.  Knowing that gives us security to want more for others and wanting more for others opens the gates for all of us. 

The second card, “When I think I’ve surrendered, I surrender more,” is the  most difficult for me.  I’m a control freak at heart and giving up anything is challenging for me.  I want to know the outcome and I want to prepare for it so I can adjust as needed.  Logically I know that control is an illusion, but I still fight that knowledge and try to put my will on everything.  I know that surrendering is an offering of faith and an instillment of faith in the universe.  Having that faith keeps our energies  high and keeps us moving forward.  I think it’s beautiful—so I will keep working on that one.

The last card, “All that I need is coming to me in ways I could never imagined” reiterates that faith and trust by showing that it is safe to let go because, while we may not know all the details, we know that what we want will arrive in the right time.  It may not look how we thought and we may not take the exact steps we thought we needed to get there, but it still comes to us. 

Wishing you all well!

Today I want to have a little discussion about faith.  I read a post on Instagram discussing how sometimes when we are ready to give up, to let it all go, we receive a message that tells us to stay the course.  In those darkest moments, sometimes a giant ray of light seeks us out and shines a spotlight telling us to continue.

I have been contemplating which direction I want to go in for some time now and I have received messages that, to me, weren’t exactly clear.  I have been ready to pursue some of my goals but I had intended to play it safe and give up the grand ideas.  Honestly, it didn’t bother me much because I still felt satisfied that I had outlined a plan for myself, yet, I knew that I would be giving up some things that are important to me.  In the synchronous, fortuitous way the universe works, the signs have been becoming clearer to continue.  Right before I saw the post I mentioned above, I had read a post from Marie Forleo talking about moving toward joy and paying attention to the signals—that’s all we have to do. 

So after reading the post on faith, I realized I need to live in more faith.  I have lived most of my life walking a tight rope, always afraid I’m going to fall, always overcorrecting and making myself fall.  I KNOW what I am capable of and I used to think knowing that was arrogance.  Now I see that my belief about arrogance undermined what I was supposed to do.  It undermined my ability to believe and to have faith that, even if it didn’t look as I thought it would, what I wanted was happening. The truth is, you move different when you understand your power.  So I need to have faith in the universe, in myself, because that faith creates trust.  Trust creates opportunities—the very opportunities we need.  My goal is to have opportunities and freedom and to create the same for other people.  As they say, faith can move mountains.  Let’s begin the climb. 

Today I am grateful for hope of a new beginning.  We have a chance as a whole to embrace a new chapter.  A chapter that is equitable and filled with possibility for all.  A chapter founded on the belief that we should all have the chance to create the life we want without unnecessary duress.  A chapter founded on the belief that humanity is more important than our bottom line.

Today I am grateful for the chance to create a new history in the process of blazing a trail.  I will not get into a political tirade but I can unequivocally declare that the last four years have been a spotlight on what is wrong with, not only our country, but with our sense of humanity.  Our highest office has been held by a misogynistic racist of a showman determined to drive us into submission unless your bank account was big enough.  As a healthcare worker experiencing this pandemic under this office, I can tell you it has been a nightmare—and it never needed be that way.  As a woman, having the fact highlighted that people can automatically discount you in a million ways based on gender—and to have nearly half a nation revere these behaviors—it is disheartening to see how much work we still have to do.  But I have hope that we are headed in the right direction.

Today I am grateful for communication.  I have a close family member who holds different views than I do regarding the election and we discussed that today.  While we agreed to disagree, it felt nice to be able to express opinions and share ideas with the resolve that we would be working toward something better for everyone in spite of those differences.

Today I am grateful for the privilege of time and resources.  I was able to spend a ton of time focused on my business this weekend.  I was able to cook beautiful food, work on my webpage, and work on my writing.  Granted I feel exhausted, but I am so, so blessed to be able to create and share what I have.  I do not take a second of that for granted. 

Today I am grateful for the beautiful breeze flowing through my house.  The evening is calm as the sun goes down and the delicious air feels like it’s clearing my house.  It feels like a weight has been lifted.  It’s a peaceful evening—and I am so lucky to have that. 

Today I am grateful.  Just a note in general—I am grateful to just exist in this moment and not worry about what needs to be done next.  To not worry about tomorrow.  To not worry about anything that may need to be done but to be in this moment. 

Wishing you all a beautiful week!

“You cannot sustain anything all of the time.  Allow things to flow as they do.  Life acts as a natural wave, so flow with the wave.  Don’t expect anything to be sustained or the same.  Understand the flow, and you’ll be fine; fight it and you’ll suffer” Sylvester McNutt III

This quote was absolutely needed today.  I didn’t sleep well last night and I was STRUGGLING today.  I had to go into work early and I was forcing myself to make it through the day. We are trained to constantly force and push and to keep going even when we know better and our bodies and minds are telling us that we need to pause.  We have associated the pause with weakness and unworthiness and we have attached a meaning of worth and value for our ability to push through.  We don’t often look at the ramifications of pushing through.  On the most basic level I felt completely exhausted and beyond that I didn’t communicate well and my work was not what it should have been—plus I felt distracted all day.

When we take the time to pause and adjust to things as they come to us it’s easier to see what we have to do next.  I wrote last week of being in a state of flow and how good it felt being able to navigate the day going from one activity to the next as it was needed.  There was a feeling of weightlessness as I was guided between things that needed attention.  Notice I didn’t say I was multitasking—I took the time to address each thing on its own. 

The mindset is challenging to adopt all at once because the patterns of rushing, schedules, multi-tasking, and achievement are so engrained.  But we instinctively know what feels better.  It is natural to focus and complete—it is not natural to burn ourselves out.  In our current state we value burnout because we associate it with worth.  What if we learned to value ourselves over our achievements? 

Knowing that there is a time for everything and that our patterns are meant to shift and evolve help us navigate our lives more organically.  It feels more authentic.  Again, this is a visceral reaction.  We know when we are in flow BECAUSE it feels good.  Forcing and pressure no longer exist.  Know that as our self-created systems begin to fall apart it is a natural process. 

We are meant to change and adapt and experience life as it comes.  So relax and let go.  Remind yourself of this often and when the tides change, know that you are meant to flow with the wave, not fight it.