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I’ve been in a cyclical funk over the last few weeks–constantly up and down, not really happy, not really sad.  Just an overall discontent.  Today, I literally felt myself completely snap out of it.  I’ve always listened to a lot of self-help and have read a lot of self-help books as well, but for whatever reason, it just HIT me today.  All the lessons, all the repetition of mantras and affirmations, all the explanations of self-worth just clicked.

I worked on a ton of creative projects at work today.  It was appropriate because after listening to the chakra series about DOING yesterday, I dove right in and felt so much of my creativity unlock.  A contract that I had been waiting for came through so I felt like I was finally able to move forward with so many of the projects that have just been stagnant.  Taking that action literally felt like a wave had been unleashed.  That power made me feel unstoppable.  I felt myself immediately saying that this is the state that I want to be in all the time.

I happened to see a picture of some known celestial bodies.  I’ve always loved looking at images like that so this one in particular caught my eye.  It was an image comparing the size of these celestial bodies, the smallest of which was the sun.  Thinking of the fact that the sun can fit something like 1.3 million Earths in it and that the sun looked like an atom in these photos stopped me in my tracks.  Some of the bodies in this image were billions of times bigger.  That sense of smallness actually made me feel more connected than I had in a long time.  It made me feel that there is no reason to hold back.  There is no reason to fear anything.

This world is about having fun and in the cosmic scale of things, this is small potatoes.  It made me realize that I can absolutely go for anything I decide.  It is my decision to let my fears impact me and hold me back and it is also my decision to push those fears aside and move forward with what feels right.  I feel like when there are such powerful moments of clarity like that, you have to listen.  I also feel like that breakthrough is a sign I am absolutely on the right path.  To realize that the universe is big enough to handle whatever ideas I throw at it is extremely comforting.  To realize that my mistakes are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things helps me keep perspective.

There’s no reason to not enjoy the here and now.  I am grateful for every moment.  There’s no reason to not go for the biggest dreams we can think of.  Who knows what magic waits for us on the other side of fear.  All it takes is waking up from our trance and realizing we have the power to connect at ANY time and to hear the universe’s message–that little voice that says “Go for it.”

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Today was one of those days where no matter what happened, my brain was locked in a funk.  Everything felt off, my timing felt off, and I just felt generally grumpy.  Not a good place to be.  Even on the ride home, I still felt like crap and every little thing about the ride irritated me.

So, trying some new practices, I listened to my body.  The first thing I felt was hunger.  So I shared a banana with my kid and ate some sunflower seeds in the car.  Immediately, I felt calmer.  Not necessarily better, but I definitely felt calmer.  I don’t know if it’s the time change messing with my mind more than usual, but I normally don’t get hungry that early.  Regardless of the reason, that is what my body was feeling at the moment.

When I got home, I ate the dinner that my husband had ready for me.  Thank god for my man knowing me so well after 18 years—sometimes he knows me better than I know myself.  Felt even better.  I drank a ton of water too.  I didn’t overeat (I did have some candy—hey, I’m still human) and the water helped rehydrate me.

After eating, I knew the next thing I had to do was take care of myself.  I told my husband I was going to take a shower so I did just that.  I showered in really warm water, took the time to really clean my hair, condition my hair, and wash my body.  I trimmed and cleaned my nails, and then totally made myself feel better by using one of my favorite lotions.

Once I was done with that, I put away laundry.  It felt really good to organize and clean and put away piles of clothes that were cluttering space.  Just doing one thing toward organizing my home made me feel like I accomplished something.

Finally, I watched a video about opening chakras.  The subject is something that piqued my interest and I took it as a sign that it showed up on my feed tonight.  Learning the signs of how I could be blocking my chakras opened my eyes to how I’m blocking the flow of a lot of things in my life.  Even with all the work I’ve been doing, I’m STILL getting in my own way!!  I’m grateful for that lesson because it goes to show that learning is a never ending thing and self-improvement takes a lot of practice.  It was yet another reminder about letting go, trusting the natural flow of life, and just going with it.  Sometimes it’s about giving up control and responding to what is happening right in front of you.

My plan for the rest of the night is to read a little, brush my teeth, rest well, and wake up ready for tomorrow.  It’s a new day and I’d like to start it by opening my mind to the possibilities rather than with a set list of what I have to do.  Keep the reminders coming about staying aware of my physical triggers, and responding from a place of authenticity.  And most importantly, just taking things one step at a time.

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On Halloween, I feel like this is an appropriate topic.  I’m not talking about the fact that my son told me he saw a ghost in his room the other night…  I’m talking about the demons in our minds.  The vices we can’t leave behind, the past we continue reliving, the habits, the arguments, the ego.  I’m talking about the dark that goes with the light.

We all have dark and light in us and it is what we choose to focus on that matters;  it is what we focus on that will grow and flourish.  The human soul has capacity to live limitlessly.  It is our own constraints that hinder us and that is also part of the shadow side.  I feel myself going to war with this shadow side nearly every day lately.  Even as I write words to help people realize they aren’t alone, I am often fighting that very battle.  I read my horoscope today and it talked about coming home to the core of my being and confronting the ghosts and demons of my past.  It advised acknowledging and listening to them and understanding them. This reminds me of a Buddhist practice of understanding that which challenges us rather than fight it.  Taking the time to listen rather than beat whatever the issue is into submission.  Sometimes that means realizing that it isn’t an issue in the first place.

I am sure I’m not the only one to feel like they have more demons than most and when faced with the idea of confronting them it is more than a little daunting.  I have beaten myself up nearly my entire life on an endless track of repeating the mistakes I’ve made.  I’ve created this monster in my head that constantly reminds me of every misstep, every social miscue, every blunder, every bomb out.  It makes me feel like I’m living my life in a state of 20/20 review all the time.  I’m an expert in what I should have done after the fact.  And then I beat myself up that I don’t have the opportunity to correct whatever faux pas or infraction I did.  I mean, I literally still think about things from 30 years ago and feel it as if it just happened.

Needless to say the thought of being alone with that makes me a little twitchy.  But after reading that horoscope, I find myself curious as to what the dark side would say.  I can’t say for sure if that is something I will be ready to share for a while, but I think in the spirit of figuring that out in order to achieve what I am working on, it would be worth it to see what it needs and why it has been sticking around for so long.  Embrace the dark within the light.  Accept that it is part of me and stop causing damage to myself by punishing that small part of who I am.

As today is Halloween, it is also the ancient festival of Samhain.  It is the beginning of winter—the harvest is complete.  It is time to go within and replenish and restore.  Perhaps this season is a season of repair for the soul as well.  A time to listen to the guidance within and make peace with who I am.   I am grateful for this day and the opportunity to befriend all parts of me.  Happy Halloween…

Today I thought a lot about the intentions we send to the universe.  Stay with me on this one…I had a discussion with my husband today and we ended up fighting about his intentions around picking up our son.  When he told me that he was running behind at work (again) my automatic thought was, “He’s just avoiding picking up our son.  He doesn’t want to spend time with him.  He only wants to do what he wants to do right now.”  After the conversation ended, I realized that I was not thinking correctly.  And THAT made me think about the intentions I was sending to the universe.

My first instinct was one of mistrust, anger, fear, and frustration.  It was a message of mistrust overall, not just about not trusting my husband’s motives.  I found myself in the self-pity loop of, “I’m not getting support, I feel alone in this, I feel like I’m never meant to have time for myself to move forward on my projects.”  That was sending a message of defeat and failure and overall smallness to the universe.  I also had the underlying thoughts of “I’m a doormat, I’m tired of getting our son ready in the morning, getting myself ready, feeding the animals, driving him to my mom’s house, working all day, picking him up, taking care of the animals, then working on my projects while still caring for my son.”  Such a negative thought pattern—and it only took me seconds to feel that.

I paused and I realized that I didn’t want to think about my life in those terms any longer because I am in the process of working on something so much bigger.  That requires open and positive thinking—big thinking.  Believing that my husband had control over the situation at work and that he was intentionally pushing me beyond what I had the capacity to do (and quite frankly what I’m tired of doing) meant that I was accepting a subservient role and that I was allowing myself to be manipulated.  He didn’t want to do it so I HAD to pick up our son.  In the sprit of self-awareness, I had to shift that.

I put a check on my thinking and spun it to the truth:  maybe there’s a reason I’m meant to pick up my son every day and fight rush hour traffic home.  I want more time with my child, and this is giving me the opportunity to spend more time with him.  We get to talk and sing in the car and I wouldn’t have that if I didn’t pick him up (he’s too tired to sing in the morning haha!).  I get to see my parents.  My son gets more time with his grandparents and his grand parents get to see him longer.  I know these moments are fleeting and they go way too fast.  I feel like I blinked and he’s almost 3.  So while I had envisioned time with my son as more walks, more story time, more crafts, more everything, even if we are sitting in rush hour together, we are together.

So I had to let go.  This wasn’t about my husband manipulating me and it wasn’t about the universe punishing me by making me sit an extra 20 minutes in traffic.  This was the universe giving me what I asked for.  It’s just in a different way.  My ego often gets in the way and I admit that sometimes I feel like the universe is just telling me my way isn’t good enough (so of course I react—I’m working on it).  I’m tired of being uncomfortable and I find myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations but that can be a sign of transition.  It’s also uncomfortable not seeing what I’m transitioning into.  But if I’m asking to be a more patient person, a more dedicated mother, a kinder, less rushed individual, I guess I have to admit that I’m learning those skills.  It’s hard for me to not see the “why” in these situations—like why people can’t do the speed limit hahaha!—but it doesn’t matter.  I’ve asked for something and the universe is delivering.

While it may be challenging, I can now ask, “What am I being molded into?”  I’ve asked for help being the person I’m meant to be.  Maybe this is making me be who I’m meant to be.  We don’t grow in our comfort zones.  I’ve asked for and I’ve initiated change.  I can look at this as exciting evidence that I am getting exactly what I need to do what I am meant to do.  So many people fail to look at the opportunities right in front of them because they are disguised as something they don’t think they want.  Sometimes the things we don’t want to do are the exact things we need.  So smile at the perceived setbacks and uncomfortable moments and just enjoy the ride.  It will get you exactly where you’re meant to be in the end.

I had a lengthy, eloquent, and honest post that I wanted to share tonight about some of the concerns I’ve been having with a family member.  Regardless of their validity or my need to vent, I realized that it is my choice to continue to fixate on it.  It’s hard for me because I tend to be an emotionally volatile person and I definitely go with what I am feeling.  I know this isn’t a healthy practice and it has impacted my relationships in many ways.

After a lot of thought and internal conversation, I knew that posting this work wouldn’t achieve anything.  I had to look at this situation another way.  Choosing to focus on the positive changes everything.  I realized how lucky I am to have this person in my life and that they are so willing to help and that I need to change what I am doing to make this work.  This person isn’t malicious, they aren’t trying to make me feel a certain way, and they do have love in their hearts.  I let so many of my insecurities cloud our relationship and missed out on the joy of what the relationship is.

My son is cared for, he is loved, and he enjoys his time with this person.  Yes, it is incredibly frustrating that I am not able to be with my son on a day to day basis and this person makes decisions for him that are completely against what I would do, however, I am able to work and able to bring in an income that allows me to do things with my child and to provide a life for my child filled with experiences.  My son will always have the memories of his time with this person and he will always know he is cared for.

All of those instances not only took away my joy, but it clouded the joy my family felt as well.  I didn’t want to be responsible for making anyone miserable with my negative outlook and constant complaining.  I didn’t feel good and it made everyone else uncomfortable and miserable as well.  Life is about so much more than controlling who does what in our lives.  It’s about learning to focus on the things that make you feel good and bring joy to yourself and to others.

I feel like making the decision to not post my original piece is also a sign of growth.  I’m actually still proud of that piece, but I’m more proud of the fact that I understood what posting that work would mean.  It would have destroyed a relationship I may not have been able to fix.  Growth is about understanding what you want out of an action before you do it—and taking the actions that align with your intentions and goals.  Growth means being proactive, not reactive.  Growth means putting aside your personal opinions and frustrations knowing that you are choosing to make a better future, a better relationship with that person.

As frustrating as today may have been, I’m choosing to look at the positives: I have a loving and caring family, I have a steady job, I have employees who care about what they do, I have a healthier relationship with myself (and that is making healthier relationships with others).  There are a lot more positives in life than there are negative: choose the positive.