Your Own Two Feet

Photo by Stijn Dijkstra on

I’ve operated under a weird combination of needing power/allowing, knowing it all/knowing nothing, strength/weakness, and helpless/boss mode for a lot of my life.  I’ve been able to run the show all while people tend to stop listening to me.  It’s very confusing.  I have this resentment when people take advantage of me, but I’ve allowed them to take advantage because I want them to like me and I need them to be able to reciprocate when I need them.  None of it feels authentic and it’s all disorienting.  I share this because I’m working through some truths in my life.  One of them is that I have allowed myself to become soft in every way because I haven’t picked a side.  I’ve chosen to be weak when I want to, just as I’ve chosen to be strong.  I’ve chosen to lead and I’ve chosen to follow.  I’ve chosen to take ownership and I’ve chosen to pass the buck.  This all makes me human—not that I’m proud of it, but that I can own the learning curve and recognize the pattern now. 

When we constantly seek things that work for us in the moment, it makes us less shrewd to how things work overall.  We seek immediate comfort over long term success and that can be just as damaging as walking through the fire so to speak.  For example, I mentioned above I’ve become soft.  I mean that I have become so emotionally weak and volatile that I am overwhelmed by the simplest things.  I feel like I have no power and can’t do anything.  Logically I know this is far from the truth, but in the moment as I look around, it feels like that.  It takes great effort to get moving on anything and follow through is still iffy at best.  It means I’m still looking for the eject button at the slightest inconvenience.  If we are (if I am) to evolve into the person I need to be, then that means shedding the defenses that worked as a child including pretending I can’t do it. 

The reality is we tell ourselves a story and I’m telling myself a story too.  I can play the victim or I can be the victor but I can’t be both.  I can’t create the confusion in myself and then expect someone to fix it or figure it out for me.  Sometimes we have people in our lives to teach us this lesson, who treat us that way, where we feel ignored or unfulfilled so we can learn to fulfill those needs ourselves.  It’s a pain in the ass to learn to stand on our own two feet, but when we do, we can carry ourselves anywhere.  We learn to ask the real questions of what we need and learn what we are able to do for ourselves and where we want a partner and where we need to go alone.  There are times we need to be alone and when we are there, we have to be strong enough to follow that path knowing our own fortitude will get us through.  No one is there to carry us in those moments.  We have to carry ourselves.  It doesn’t mean we are alone, it just means we need to remember our strength.  We are capable of amazing things and we don’t need anyone to tell us that, we just need to do the work.

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