What does it mean when we can’t find the things we love? Or when the things we love don’t flow as they used to? Relationships have ebbs and flows, sometimes you have to carry more weight and there are times when our partner has to carry the weight. But what happens when the things we love no longer love us back? Or when we have to be a certain way to get their love? What happens when there is no inspiration? At what point do we let it all go? Sometimes I find myself working so hard to make other people happy that I’ve forgotten how to make myself happy. We are all guilty of that at times. I’ve recently hit a rough patch in my marriage and this brings into question basic compatibility. It doesn’t mean either one of us are right or wrong, it simply means that who we are and who we are becoming may no longer jive. Doesn’t make it any easier, but it is something that happens.
In those moments when we feel lowest, when we feel most alone, that is when we have to dig deep. We have to find what is right for us. We have to put our own happiness first and that is how we avoid resentment through constantly putting others first. Human nature isn’t always pretty and a lot of people tend to operate in obliviousness or, at the very least, in their own worlds. That isn’t to say they are malicious, but they have no concept of how what they do impacts other people and if they are getting what they want, they have little reason to question if anyone else is happy. It’s easy to feel “love” when you’re getting everything you want. That doesn’t mean it’s real. Love is about reciprocal action and mutual respect and effort toward a goal. When you pair someone who has no sense of their impact with someone who is hyper aware of how their actions affect others, you wind up with one person gaslit, resentful, angry, and lacking. That isn’t how relationship works. It can be corrected, but both have to be willing. The taker has to understand their actions and the giver has to find their worth—and in some cases stop using pleasing to create their own value.
Often when we can’t find the love we seek, we need to find a way to nourish and support that in ourselves. We have to learn to say no to the behavior that impedes us or causes us pain. It can be scary and, personally, it feels like the whole world will end if you set the boundary. In some cases it may end things as you knew them. There ARE some people who simply needed what you gave them and that’s all they wanted, they had no interest in returning the favor. For those people, let them go, no matter how painful. Sometimes we simply have to learn to stand on our own two feet and dig deep in ourselves for what we were looking for from someone else. There are people in our lives who teach us exactly that, the value of standing on our own two feet. When we can’t find that something we love, that someone to love, then it is time to find that love in ourselves. When we find that, we can take on anything and our cup fills again. What can you love about you today?