Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for new understanding.  I’ve always been a student of some sort.  I love school, I love learning, I love curiosity.  I don’t know where I became so rigid along the line.  When did I become so set in my ways?  And how did I manage to behave one way consistently if I believed in learning new ways?  I guess over time we all become a little stuck in our ways.  Even if we know there is room to improve or change, change is daunting so perhaps we stick with what we know instead of trusting what we KNOW.  I’m grateful for new insight about allowing as things change.  The truth is, things change no matter what we do, that is the nature of life.  We can adapt or fight it all, it’s how we choose to use our energy.  I choose to attempt adapting better.

Today I am grateful for options.  I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling trapped by indecision and uncertainty.  I’ve been waiting for other people to make their choices in order for me to make my move and I’ve been miserable because they haven’t decided anything either.  I really went down the rabbit hole of self-loathing and despair because I couldn’t move forward.  And then it hit me: I don’t need to wait for them to make a choice.  I can be the one to make that choice.  I may not be ready to do so right now, but remembering that there is always the option for movement felt amazing and liberating.  Just knowing that there is no cage opened the door and created some breathing room.  We are not trapped.

Today I am grateful for reminders of support.  We spent Saturday night in the ER with my son after he spiked a nasty fever, and I reached out to let my boss know we were there.  She responded to each text and she engaged—not just brushed it off but asked questions.  I woke up this morning to her reaching out to see how things were going.  There are real issues happening at work and it’s not always a comfortable environment, but I am so grateful for the people I have there.  I am not alone even when it feels like it. It’s a reminder that there are really good people everywhere and I am so fortunate to have them in my life—even if I push them away at times, they are there. That is a gift.

Today I am grateful I am for a few moments of peace.  I took my son to a labyrinth and we walked the winding stone path together, enjoying the cold weather for a few moments.  Sun beating down, not giving any warmth, but providing light just the same.  It had been years since I’d been there and it took a minute to find the entrance to the path itself.  I told my son, “It’s either around the back or the front, but I think it’s this way,” and as I looked, a gorgeous hawk swooped low over the forest in the direction I was looking.  I smiled and we proceeded to follow the messenger bird and found the labyrinth.  I felt the instant connection with the universe knowing we were meant to be there together at that moment.  There is something sacred in walking the path, centering.  Connecting to self. 

Today I am grateful for a bit of faith.  As we walked the labyrinth, I thought of my friend.  We are not overtly religious with each other because we simply never have been and she practices with an organized faith while I tend to be more spiritual.  Regardless, she offers her prayers to me and she is aware of what I’m going through, so the other day she reached out and told me she was praying for me.  Today there was a particular moment in the frigid air with the sun beaming directly on me that I felt like I was in church.  I’ve never needed a physical building to express my beliefs, but the feeling I had today resembled that physical space even though there were no walls.  There was spirit there and it was divine.  Being guided by the hawk, hearing my friend’s words, all felt more than coincidence.  Sometimes we simply need to be where we are. 

Today I am grateful to garner more strength.  The last few weeks have broken me in ways I’m not sure I will recover from.  I have only alluded to some of it and I want to emphasize that I am getting help.  But the truth is, I’m learning in new ways, blatant ways, that there are simply things that I will not get where I’m at in life.  I will not get what I want from anyone but myself.  I’m having to reconcile that truth with what I actually want and what I can accept letting go of.  If there are things I want, I will have to do it.  It is an incredibly lonely feeling.  You never anticipate finding yourself on the precipice of being alone when you entered into something with someone.  There is no accounting for what time does to people.  And that’s simply the path of life sometimes.  It has a natural ebb and flow.  What is full must empty, and what was once supported must fly.  We have to walk on our own sometimes.  I am grateful to find strength to do that.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

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