I happened upon this title while enjoying an Amazon Browsing Rabbit Hole (I know you know what I mean). I haven’t read or looked at the book, I know nothing of the premise, but that title stopped me in my tracks. Saturday was a rough day for me personality wise. I found myself snapping at everything my son did, and then hating myself for it all and thinking about it nearly the entire day. The guilt I felt at being human and saying the things I did to my kid ate at me and I woke up the following morning knowing I didn’t want to be that type of person. And then I saw that title and it reminded me of everything that I share and speak about here: we always have the opportunity to change our course and redefine who we are. Change isn’t easy but it is always possible.
I used to struggle with the idea of separating the person from the action. I’m guilty of holding things over people for ages because I couldn’t let it go and I still felt something about it. I allowed my feelings to dictate the course of my life and, oddly enough, I used to think that once I felt a certain way about anything I would have to always feel that way. I genuinely created my own uniqueness in that everyone else was allowed to change, but I wasn’t. I locked myself in this little mental cage, thinking I needed to act a certain way and thinking people wouldn’t forgive or accept the real me. I made allowances for other people to change but not myself. How ridiculous.
Honestly, this may seem pretty surface, but this is a vulnerable post in that I acknowledge my own continued need for growth and development. Initially I felt sad and angry because I felt like a failure. Not knowing who I am, constantly falling into the same pattern, fearing everything, jumping from thing to thing without completion, and snapping at everything around me if it disturbed or didn’t align with the image I had in my mind. But I feel like it’s such a mark of humanity to have those moments. If I can embrace that in others, I can embrace that in myself. And what happens then? I imagine that the growth continues exponentially.
As I wrote about months ago, the one degree turns make all the difference in the world. Sometimes we don’t realize how far we have to turn until we land where we THINK we need to be only to see it isn’t anything like we thought. I stuck my flag in the ground years ago and thought I needed to commit to that and be that version of myself forever. I kept the mistakes I made on my back, carrying them like some sick sort of penance, like I didn’t deserve to go any further for the mistakes I made. And then I continued to make mistakes and I bore those as well. Keeping that weight on top of the responsibilities of life in the present time made actually living impossible. We aren’t designed to carry that type of burden. No wonder I snap all the time. No wonder anything that’s out of line throws me—I’m afraid I will just have more to carry with me.
So perhaps this is my undoing. This is my unbecoming. As we’ve spoken about before, in order to become who you are, you need to let go of who and what you think you are. If you tell yourself you have to live with the guilt and weight of what happened decades ago, that is what you will continue to experience. If you tell yourself you need to live under the constant pressure of building and building, then that is what you will experience. But if you choose to grow and move forward and accept what was as part of your journey, THAT is what you will experience. That is the goal. Don’t waste time on what was or thinking you don’t deserve something because of a mistake from ages ago. Heal and allow yourself to move forward because that guilt and that belief doesn’t have to be permanent. Release the burden and allow yourself to grow.