No one ever said change was easy.  It’s why we fall back into the patterns of familiarity so quickly, sometimes so seamlessly we didn’t even realize we were back where we started.  Often times when we are on the precipice of something great, on the edge of the truth that is meant for us, we are drawn back deeply into the place we used to be.  I don’t know if there is some cosmic GPS we are born with that locates us and tries to pull us in, but I know it happens.  I know whenever I’ve been trying to do something new, all of the old rises to the surface. 

I’ve been heading a large project at work the last few weeks and we went live this past week.  My mother is still recovering. I’m not 100% comfortable where I’m at.  I’m out of body a lot and seeking comfort as far from my mind as I can get it.  So I had a moment of failure.  My son woke up complaining about knee pain (he has a history) but I thought he had simply slept funny so I brought him to my parents like I normally would because I had to get to work…I always have to work.  I got there and did my song and dance to touch in with everyone before I had to bring my son to school so I felt tired and frustrated because my husband was supposed to take him but couldn’t.  Either way, I left and picked up my kid and saw that he was still limping…this was six hours after I dropped him off and some pain reliever.  By the time we got back to our place to pick up his school stuff he could barely walk and he screamed when he tried to take the stairs. 

I felt like a deer in headlights.  I couldn’t make heads or tails of where I was going or where I needed to be.  I knew what my calendar looked like, there was a meeting waiting for me at 1pm, I didn’t feel I could stay off of work again because of the hours I’d been putting in, I didn’t feel I could call my son out of school again because of the time he missed with my mother being off, we were all the way at home (a 50 minute drive from work), and we were alone.   I’m not happy to admit it, but I chose work.  my kid was genuinely in pain and I made myself believe I had to work.  I’ve been trying to prove that I’m stable and capable and that the outside doesn’t bother me…but it does.

I called my husband and he met me where I work and took our kid to a walk in/emergency ortho clinic.  Over the last month I’ve had to separate from my son a lot—taking care of him, my parents, work, everything has pulled me in a million directions.  It’s really hard to make him do things he doesn’t want to do or make him go places he doesn’t want to go.  I remember that feeling as a child, not knowing how to play with other kids, feeling lonely…and here I am shutting the door on a car for him to be taken somewhere he isn’t familiar with while he is crying for me.  And then I can’t even help him feel better when he is hurting.

I will be frank that I don’t know how to resolve this, but I do know that I don’t ever want to feel that again.  I don’t ever want to be in that position again.  I don’t ever want to choose work over my family.  Yes, it led to consequences at work and different pain points with keeping up, but what are they doing for me?  They would replace me in a heartbeat.  My kid only wants his mom.  I am his only mom and I only get to do this journey once.  I had a conversation with one of the trainers on the project we launched and he told me, “Your kid may not understand this now but he will someday.  It’s all for him.”  And that honestly was comforting because someone saw the effort I’m putting in.  It eased the sting but it doesn’t change the fact that he needs me now.  So, when we know something needs to be addressed but we don’t know how…what do we do?  We take one little step in the direction of where we want to be.    

“The first thing you should know about me is that I’m not you.  A lot more will make sense after that,” via universe.inside.you.  This is an appropriate follow up to the discussion on Greenlights. I spoke about the cages we put ourselves in and the cages we stay in when we are clearly meant for something else.  When we clearly hear that call telling us to take the giant leap out of the box we feel obligated to stay in.  If we are to talk about freedom, the first step realistically is to know who we are and what freedom is to us.  I’ve had this vague idea that I’ve shared in my work over the last year, but I haven’t really ironed it out.  One thing I’ve learned in the books I’ve been working through in this time is that you have to know who you are and you have to be really clear on the intent in order to figure out where you’re going.  Once you have that defined, the road map kind of lays itself out.

I have to say there are still facets of myself I’m still learning at this age.  There are days it feels like my brain wants to split in two because I feel like I’m living multiple lives at the same time.  It is a disorienting feeling.  I put the pressure on myself to do all of the things I want to do, and now that I’ve started them, I don’t know how to put them down in order to focus on one thing at a time.  I’ve already created an illusion abut who I am and I called it a vision.  That doesn’t mean for a second that 1. Any of what I’ve said isn’t true or that 2. I don’t have value in all of the things.  I’ve learned that it means I’m incredibly impatient and really crappy at time management and I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to do it all.  I’m a great over extender.  Throw in some ADD and suddenly I’m the plate spinning rather than the one spinning the plate.  It often does feel like I’m about to fall.

I’m still working through some loneliness around this.  All of the things I’ve set out to do I genuinely want.  Yes, that does make it my responsibility to see it through because I’m passionate about all of it.  However, when there are people who don’t understand how your brain works, all they see is someone flippant, flighty, and non-committal.  It’s distracting to them and to you and they can’t help but turn away—if you don’t know what you need, it ISN’T their responsibility to tell you either. Yes, they could be supportive enough to help you work through that part or at least tell you, but it isn’t their job to tell you what you need on your journey.  Even understanding that, it feels lonely.  When you over commit, you spend a lot of time alone because you’re in the trenches of everything.  For me, it’s like that at home and at work—my job is the best example because I oversee three completely unrelated areas and they are small teams so getting them stood up requires knowing each area and being able to pivot at any time to support them.  It’s an environment designed on distraction and high propensity for failure.  I know I’ve personally felt like a failure at least 40 times this week alone. 

But maybe it’s reading the book or maybe it’s me growing up because I really did start to question if I would feel this way if I knew myself better or if I would have this compulsion to do a million things at once if I were more secure in who I am.  I think of all the time I’ve wasted running between the spinning plates and it absolutely breaks my heart—I’m a broken record about that.  But I still haven’t figured out how to stop.  I WANT to.  I KNOW I need to.  I literally can’t get past it.  It’s 100% my own brain, there is no mistaking that.  But I am in so deep that I don’t know how to let go now.  What does this have to do with the opening quote?  EVERYTHING.  The way to stop is to be with myself for a bit.  It’s to take the journey inward for a while and really find the patience to see who I am. 

We sometimes create another person’s standards or think we know how they see us when in reality we are projecting our insecurities of ourselves THROUGH them onto ourselves…it’s our own beliefs that we attach to someone externally.  So maybe the opening message is really for ourselves.  Once we understand we can’t be anyone other than who we are, life will get easier.  We can more clearly differentiate between who we are and what we are meant to do versus what we are told.  We are all here for a purpose.  I’ll admit I’ve gotten caught in the weeds with that.  I always thought my value was determined by how much I brought to the table, a constant game of proving I deserve to be there.  Once I let those illusions down, I saw there was something else.  And you will too.  So start looking at who you are and allow the pieces to fall where they make sense in your life…no one else’s. 

Today I am grateful for support I’ve gotten over the years.  There are days I feel lonely but I know that over time I’ve been granted the gift of people who have understood me and they saw where I was going.  I’m grateful for the cheerleaders I’ve had in my life, even if they were telling me I’m an idiot.  I’m grateful for the support I don’t see, the protection and the love.  I’m grateful to also be given the reminder that I need to support myself.  As scary as life can be sometimes, we always need to be in our own court.  Our belief is stronger than anything and we need to love ourselves, become our biggest fans, and encourage ourselves to take the steps forward when we feel we can’t get out of bed.  Be kind.  And remember to be kind to ourselves as well.

Today I’m grateful to plant my feet again.  My mind is a dangerous place to be sometimes as it wanders and floats between so many things that I’m often not as present as I should be.  But the last few weeks have taught me the important of presence—whether I like what is happening or not—and how to stay in the moment.  The present moment is all we can deal with, nothing else exists as Eckhart Tolle says.  All we have is now, and that is enough.  I know how much time I’ve wasted wishing I was somewhere else or remembering something long gone and for each time I wasn’t focused on where I was, I missed it.  That presence became a memory that I can’t remember.  So.  It’s about taking what is and simply being.

Today I’m grateful for a reality check.  I’ve never hidden my faults or flaws or the troubles I’ve had and the difficulty I have with people—including my husband at times.  Yesterday I had a dark moment and I was alone with my son.  My husband was with the neighbors helping on a project and the wives were apparently together as well.  It has been made clear that they don’t want to accommodate me with my son—and that is ok, we are at different points in our lives.  That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.  I see my husband able to merge with this group and I still feel on the outside.  I mean, mentally I was down, and it was easy to see that not one person wanted to step in and help that.  I’m not looking for anyone to fix it, but to at least offer some support.  So it’s a matter of finding my tribe—and I am grateful for that.  Sometimes you have to accept it and we lose people we thought would be there forever.  But it’s part of it all and the sooner you accept it, the easier it is to move.

Today I’m grateful for allowing.  When we accept reality, all we can do is allow what is to unfold.  It is NOT about making things go our way or being sad when they don’t.  It’s about setting your boundaries and sticking with them.  The saying goes, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”  I read a study the other day about why relationships fail after 3-4 months.  They said it si because that is how long people can keep up an illusion—that is how long they can put on a show before their true colors show.  Over my time I’ve ignored many a red flag.  But moving forward, that isn’t an option, not if I want to build a life.

Today I’m grateful for the simple joys in life.  I relish in being able to replenish with my family, especially after a tough week.  I’m not 100% sure what the issue has been—I mean, it’s a combination of things—but I’ve felt so angry.  I’ve felt off.  I’ve felt abandoned and alone.  I’ve felt unheard.  But I still appreciate finding the little joys.  I still appreciate some time to myself.  I appreciate recognizing that I have the opportunity to find the good.  For me that’s taking time with my family—even if they are the ones driving me crazy at times.  I enjoy remembering that there is love even on the days it doesn’t look like it. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I’ve been thinking a lot about freedom lately.  What it means.  What it feels like.  What it is to each of us.  Why we still feel trapped even with all of the opportunities that we have.  This is also the journey of mental health.  Sometimes when you’re a little stuck, you have beliefs that don’t jive with how you really feel (even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time) and you don’t move forward.  You keep yourself in a state of misunderstanding and don’t see why you’re there.  You can’t see past your own cage.  But this is also a cruel irony because we are often put in that cage and told that’s where we belong so we never bother looking for a way out.  Other times we are too scared to leave for whatever the reason may be.  Telling someone in a state of fear (especially someone who has been that way a long time) that they are able to step out of the cage all on there own isn’t something they can process.

I’ve been reading Matthew McConaughey’s book, Greenlights and it is absolutely fascinating to me.  I’ve never really been a fan of the actor—not that I have any complaints about his work or any room to judge at all—but his work isn’t something I actively seek out.  That changed when I saw this book.  I knew nothing about him other than he has a friendship with Woody Harrelson and he’s done some decent work in his days.  But this book.  As soon as I saw it I picked it up.  That isn’t unusual for me when it comes to reading material—I always follow my instincts with that 😊—but I was surprised it was THIS book.  I’m about half-way through it now and I am captivated.  Learning about how this man has lived his life, the adventures he’s taken, the things he’s done that encompass my definition of freedom have touched something in my core.

McConaughey describes his life and the adventures he’s had as well as demonstrates his perseverance and commitment to himself and his policy on livin’.  The idea of living life as an adventure is something I dream about nearly every day.  The time freedom and the capacity to go wherever I want on a whim and to see the world, really experience the world is something that takes a huge space in my mind.  The other aspect of that commitment to self is what really speaks to me.  McConaughey clearly knows who he IS.  There is no question about his foundation.  And he has no fear about being that person or any compunction about displaying that person.  That is the type of person I want to be: so fearlessly centered in who I am that walking away or running toward something doesn’t bother me because I know in my soul it is the right thing to do.  No question.

His entire concept of Green lights is fascinating as well.  It’s actually something I’ve talked quite a bit about in my own work, I just didn’t explain it the same way.  It’s that state of flow, it’s that knowing, it’s that alignment, it’s being where you are supposed to be—and knowing you’re supposed to be there. It’s that taking your hands off the wheel and just…livin’.  I’ve been graced to experience that a few times in my life.  It literally feels like a summer day.  McConaughey actually describes it like that as well—he says, “It’s like walking barefoot on a summer day.”  We all seek the ease of that feeling.

So why do we put the pressure on ourselves to stay in the cage?  Is it merely the familiarity and the social conventions?  Or is it that we aren’t taught to develop that type of relationship with ourselves?  I’m not sure.  From the stories I’ve been reading in this book, it seems like his relationship with his parents was foundational in accepting himself.  At moments, however, it seems like that was never a question regardless—he was born with an innate knowing of who he is.  The thing is we all are.  We all are born that way but we start to forget it as they close the cage around us.  Hell, even if it’s open, we still forget that we have the ability to leave.  I don’t have the answer to that at the moment, but it’s something I’m working through.  For now, I’m listening to the message and I’m taking the parallels in the messages I’m reading as a green light that I’m on the right path.  I’m taking the alignment I can find and embracing it.  One. Step. At. A. Time.

I want to talk briefly about the lies we are fed.  I think we are walking up in this society to the idea that we no longer want to work as we have been, and we are slowly coming to the realization that the system as we have it never really worked for everyone anyway.  I think we also feel tired of being told to stop trusting our instincts.  I know from my experience on the business side in healthcare that I am tired of being told things are a certain way when they are not.  We are constantly striving to make things happen but we are never looking at the real cost.  We say that mental health and employee well being is key but we consistently underpay and undercut the value of what people do and make it so we don’t have a full complement of people to do the work.

As we were listening to another discussion about the most recent merger we are taking on, it hit me that it is merely business.  They care about the bottom line and that means keeping people sick.  I know the more I work through this in my mind, I’m tired of being taken advantage of and then being told I’m not.  That is gaslighting at its finest.  We know when something is off and we know when there is more to the story than we are told.  It’s not like we wouldn’t understand extenuating circumstances, but there seems to be this idea that we need to protect the image of the business over telling the truth.  Moreover, I’m really sad that they feel like we are stupid enough to not know what is really going on.

The main point to this is to know that we can trust our instincts.  We were given those senses to keep us safe and to guide us where we need to go.  So many of us have learned to not trust ourselves because we haven’t found a different way yet.  We are still taught the current system is safe when we know it isn’t but we don’t have anything to replace it yet.  That isn’t a reason to not trust what we know.  We have to ask ourselves whose interest it serves if we don’t trust ourselves.  Certainly not ours.  If we do what someone else wants of us, that doesn’t teach us to trust what we know.

Our conversation yesterday left off talking about the life we are meant to have.  I spent my whole life with this idea of who I am, putting all kinds of pressure on myself to do things a certain way.  I looked at failure as if I was a failure rather than understanding a plan failed and needed to be revised.  When you have that type of belief, you start finding all of the other negative crap out there.  You start looking for other ways to find validation including making other people happy—people pleasing.  If what I said about creating a foundation and knowing when it’s time to let our past lie is true, and I believe it is, then we know when it’s time to stop pleasing others as well because our validation comes from outside.  We are looking to build a foundation and to see our worth as it is rather than wait for someone else to tell us what we are worth.

I had a conversation at work that actually really woke me up.  I was told twice within the same week that I need to celebrate the small wins and that I’m too hard on myself.  That would mean I’m letting go of the idea that things need to be perfect in order to be celebrated and that it’s ok to accept and celebrate progress.  I’ve always believed that we should celebrate small wins because that is the measure of progress, it just wasn’t something practiced for myself.  Maybe the truth is I just didn’t believe it for myself.  I never allowed myself to be an example of working through a problem, rather, I thought I needed to be an example of getting it done right. I thought that my perseverance was key rather than learning how to progress.

So I had a moment of realization that I never really took the time to know me.  I was never secure enough to let people see my progress until recently and even then I’ve held back in some facets.  I spent so much time trying to show others that I was capable in order to be accepted that I never learned to accept myself.  I thought I needed to present an image and then it hit me: this life doesn’t have to be so serious.  Why put that much pressure on myself to be a certain way?  I mean, life is fluid and dynamic and we aren’t meant to be the same thing forever.  So why should I hold myself to a different standard than anyone else?  Why would those changes not apply to me?

I have taken life too seriously for too long.  I mean, I thought I needed to do certain things every day and I was locked into that.  But there is more value in demonstrating the fluidity of life and knowing how to go with the ebbs and flows as they come than in rigidly sticking with what we know.  Plus there doesn’t have to be some grand master plan.  Sometimes our purpose is as simple as listening to a friend, or helping a coworker finish an assignment, or cuddling with our kid for a few extra minutes.  Yes, my goal is to change the world through waking people up to their purpose, but that purpose doesn’t carry the weight of the universe.  Yes, it’s a part of it and it is integral, but the universe will always correct itself so I don’t need to add that extra pressure of getting it right.

I mean, Stephenie Meyer got famous for writing Twilight.  Not that fame is the answer or even the goal, but her purpose was to tell a story.  Some of us are meant to awaken the world but we can do that through telling our story as well.  It doesn’t have to be life altering because simply fulfilling our purpose can be enough to change someone’s life.  It may not change the world but it will change that person’s world.  So I’m destroying the idea that I need to be perfect or that I need to carry the weight all by myself.  I’m accepting who I am and hoping that my words will resonate with someone.  That my message will be received.  I’d rather fulfill my purpose than someone else’s idea of what I should do, and that is all that matters.

Thoughts on destruction and creation raced through my head again recently.  Thoughts about how we are constantly in one state or another.  How everything we do one day is brand new and the end of the previous.  Even as I put these words on the page, this page is never the same again.  Every day is a blank slate and we get the opportunity to tell a new story.  As we move through various stages of our lives, we release what was in order to take in what IS.  We constantly give up ideas about who we thought we were and what we needed to do and we create who we are…for the moment at least.

In my life I’ve been a records tech, a lead, a manager, a dispatcher, an artist, a massage therapist, a therapist, a mother, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a support system, a mentor, and a million other things I can’t think of in the moment.  But each time I learned to wear one of those hats, I let go of another identity.  And honestly, I think my biggest mistake was wearing each of those identities as if that were truly me.  I associated each thing I was doing with who I was.  It lead to a lot of confusion and fear on my part because as my external world changed, I had no clue how to react.  I attached my outer world to my inner world and it felt like I fell apart each time that exterior changed. 

It hasn’t been until recently that I welcomed the destruction.  Things change for all of us, every day, that is to be expected because that is simply life.  That doesn’t mean saying goodbye to something we are familiar with or that gives us security is easy.  No.  But there is so much possibility in destruction.  It takes away the extraneous and allows us to build a new foundation in its place.  There is potential in what we let go of because it makes way for something new.  So maybe it isn’t so much destruction, but an evolution in what we need and where we are meant to go.  It is the ultimate test of faith because we often have to go head first into the unknown.      

There is also peace in letting go and accepting destruction as a natural course of life because it allows us to take our hands off of the wheel so to speak and let ourselves be driven.  There is a knowing in us that we are trained to ignore.  That is knowing when it is time to move on, when it is time to give up patterns we’ve repeated for the sake of repeating them, when something we are doing no longer serves us or the greater good.  In my life, I’ve often held on longer than I should have because it was familiar.  Plus I always thought that if we are meant to maintain something, we need to fight for it.  The reality is, when those moments happen, it is time to go with it.  It isn’t about making things a certain way, it’s about embracing the possibility. 

There is freedom in letting go of anything.  Moreso in letting go of what we tell ourselves we are.  Yes it’s scary, I will never undermine that.  But once you do let go and feel the joy of release, the ultimate letting go of pressure, it is all worth it.  We don’t need to go through life hitting the gas and the brakes at the same time.  That’s what letting go of the wheel does.  It allows us to experience life rather than control it.  There are things we think we want, but we don’t know what we will get…and then we get what we need and it changes everything.  So let the idea of what you think you need fall apart.  You may end up with far more than you thought you could get.  Let the universe surprise you.  Let your dreams go to the wayside in favor of what you’re meant to have.

As we’ve been working through the physical rehab of my mother’s knee, I’ve seen the side of defeat and triumph.  Defeat in the matter of feeling like she can’t physically go on and feeling no matter what you do it isn’t enough.  Triumph in seeing that you are able to push the body further than you thought.  In both scenarios, I’ve seen that mindset has been key.  Regardless of the outcome, it was the result of the belief.  “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right” is extremely appropriate here.  Going from the feeling of we won’t get past the first day to knowing that small steps make all the difference shows how important it is to not limit yourself because of where you’re at.

The interesting part of all of this has been the shift in dynamic in my relationship with my parents.  We’ve always been fairly codependent for myriad of reasons and we have both had to learn how to separate a bit.  My sister’s words about the choices I’ve made in my life and her opinion of my relationship with my parents still echo in my mind.  I know the things she said are true on some level.  I needed to find a new level of independence.  But she failed to understand where that dependence initially came from.  See, the people who were supposed to support me didn’t—I felt like a burden to my siblings because I came so far after they did.  My parents were indeed the only ones who supported me for the longest time and I wanted to return that favor.

So, we are in an interesting state of learning to separate and for a while it legitimately felt pretty desperate.  That goes back to the whole state of mind thing.  My mom wasn’t anticipating how difficult this would be for her and she never believed in herself enough to understand that putting in the work would make all the difference in her recovery.  Ancient history thrown on top of those fears led her to a really negative state of mind.  She honestly said at one point that she didn’t want to go on because she was afraid she would be like this the rest of her life.  All she could see was the moment in front of her, painful and learning to walk again.  I saw the prisoner holding the key.  But no amount of encouraging words would get through to her, and in that state of mind I’m not surprised.  So came the next step in my evolution:

I can’t fight for her harder than she fights for herself.  The same for my father who is going through some similar issues around mortality and finding purpose as well.  I can’t fight the fight they need to find within themselves.  That revelation is a turning point and it is far more applicable to the state of the world than what is happening in my family.  None of us can fight harder than the person involved in order to change a situation.  We all need that ear and that understanding, but we can’t expect the other person to do the work for us.  And that is what we are also missing: the accountability to create the life claim we want.

That latter point I have felt deeply over the last month.  I see what I want but I have to admit that it isn’t as clear as it should be.  I still allow myself to let the feelings take over so if I am feeling drained then I stop pushing.  To a point, we all have to recognize our limits and for me, it’s a struggle to juggle my mind between the tasks I need to do in a day for over 16 hours straight. The mind isn’t designed to function like that and I DO need a break.  But it’s also about choice.  I can decide what I’m going to focus on and how I’m going to spend that energy.  I have to fight for me harder than I expect others to fight for me because they won’t.