“We live in a generation where telling the truth is rude,” via the mindset mentor.  We have fostered a culture so egotistically sensitive that no one wants to live in reality any longer.  Opinions count as fact and how someone feels is more important than what actually happened.  I’m working through a sticky situation at work and we’ve been dancing around the issue for a long time.  Now that we are addressing it, there are feelings involved and complications around providing accommodations for someone who doesn’t really want to be there.  It’s amazing the effort an unhappy person will make to cling to their idea of right, trying to change everyone around them, rather than get honest with themselves and find where they really want to be.

I personally fear telling the truth at times.  I’ve always been a pretty objective person—not that I’m perfect at it because believe me, I can still be judge-y as hell—but I ALWAYS make an effort to see all sides.  I can mediate an argument and get my teams to function well together like no ones business.  I can get them to take their emotions out of it.  But when I’m expressing my honest opinion, I tend to get super emotional and hold back.  I still have moments when I fear what people will think of me.  I’m hyper-aware that most people don’t take a step back in conversation so they don’t see things as objectively as I do or they aren’t trained to take things at face value to take in another side.

We have become so aware of emotion and sensitivity that we’ve clouded reality.  The problem is, it isn’t genuine emotion.  It’s performative and manipulative emotion.  We want people to see us in a certain way so we behave how we think THEY think someone would behave or we turn up the dial on the sensitivity to the point where a smile is offensive.  We are ALWAYS on, trying to get people to treat us a certain way.  This is why we have issues when people correct us.  For example, someone consistently shows up 15 minutes late to work—every day, different excuses each time.  We have a conversation where they are told to leave 15 minutes earlier and the world ends. 

I will be honest, for a LONG time I was overly sensitive.  Not that I offended easily (I have a really sick sense of humor) but I took things personally.  Like, really personally.  I projected my own insecurity as the reason why certain things didn’t come to light for me. It has taken a TON of honesty and stripping away of bullshit to get to the point where I know I had to turn down the sensitivity in my life.  I had to shift my perspective and root in reality and that is something I strive to do every day.   

The truth is we do need to address emotion but we haven’t trained people how to deal with it and what it really is.  We also haven’t trained people how to really get in touch with who they are and what they’re feeling.  They behave how they think they’re supposed to based on what they’ve seen, not what they’re actually feeling.  We are so desperate for an identity that, instead of taking the time to look within, we start creating these categories for us to fit into so we have a unique space.  We haven’t taught that we each HAVE a unique space in us and all we have to do is get quiet enough to hear it, and tune in.  There are very real signals inside of us that will tell us exactly who we are.  We don’t need to create something so extreme that we become unrecognizable based on what we look like or what our interests are.  When we tap into what is already inside of us, we will naturally turn into something unrecognizable.  We become who we ARE, not what we want to project.

Until we learn to master those skills, there will be this perceived sense of insecurity and persecution.  And yes, the truth will be regarded as offensive.  Shit, we spent the last four years in someone else’s daydream on a massive scale.  There is something to be said for mass consumption and mass delusion—it means we are quicker to believe what someone tells us over what we know.  The good news with this is that if we tailor the message and start sharing some truth bombs, maybe more people will get on board.  Granted, people can’t take in a message before they are ready.  But we can start shifting our mindset to deal with genuine emotional issues instead of egoic issues we pretend are emotional (and for the record, discounting reality for your opinion is actually what’s rude).  We can teach getting honest with ourselves and appreciating reality over interpretation.  We can teach humanity instead of supremacy/hierarchy/consumerism and work toward something that is really great for everyone.  Once those needs are met, this bullshit won’t exist anymore.

“You live in a mirrorverse.  Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world,” via law of void.  I spent years complaining about how things were in my life, lamenting that I wasn’t where I wanted to be.  I blamed everyone around me.  My husband didn’t do what he was “supposed” to do, my parents had high expectations, people were out to get me, they didn’t want me to succeed, I was too short to be taken seriously so people didn’t give me a chance, my mistakes were permanent, and I was always “being punished.”  There were nuggets of truth in each of those statements, but none of them were THE truth.  I couldn’t see past the injustice of it at the time.  I spent my time collecting things and holding onto the things I had collected before and carrying all of that stuff with me. I lived in a relic of time gone by, of dreams I once had, a time of who I was.

While I was proud of the successes I had and grateful for the opportunities, I knew I had to do more.  I looked at so much of what I did as a burden because it didn’t feel like it was mine.  I mean, you carry someone else’s baggage through the airport while they walk unencumbered, you’d get ticked too.  Now, imagine carrying that for a lifetime.  I realized that it was a combination of my own expectations as well as buying into what those around me expected and that I needed to put it down.  I wanted to do more.  More of what I wanted.  More of what I was meant to do.  I wanted to invite more of the things I wanted in my life in my life.  That meant taking ownership. 

Responsibility is a scary thing, and I’ve talked a lot about that here.  We put a lot of pressure on outcomes, yields, and results in this society and when we pursue something, we are “supposed” to have some “valid” or quantifiable result to show people.  We too often discredit the work that goes into becoming what we want to be.  We have to strip away everything we have been taught to believe, to pursue, to love and start going after what we actually believe, what we really want, and what really means something to us.  It is an unbecoming of a false skin and an unloading of false data and it is scary in the emptiness when you once had something tangible to hold onto.  But if the things around you no longer have meaning, put them down.  Sit in the stillness/emptiness.  We have to clear before we move on.

The bottom line is the outside is a reflection of the inside.  If you’re confused and unclear in what you’re trying to do, there won’t be clear results.  If you’re trying to do a million things at once, you will accumulate a million unfinished things around you.  All of the anger I had about the outside world shifted when I saw that I could change my inner world.  It’s a daily process and will probably always be a work in progress, but I am willing to do that work in order to get what is really meant for me over suffering at the hands of what someone tells me I am worth.  No.  Focus and flexibility are all that is required to move mountains.  Pause.  Breathe.  Get clear.  Get moving.

“The version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility via universe.inside.you.  I love this one.  For me there was a lot to unpack when it came to other people’s expectations of me and their definitions of who I was.  There is still a lot to unpack about why I still fall into that pattern.  What started as a child’s need for validation turned into an adult paralyzed by what other people thought of me.  The need for permission and a lot of hiding in my own space because that is where I felt free.  My whole life felt performative for a long time and I’ve spoken about how it didn’t even feel like mine.  Regardless of any success or progress I had, whatever marker I achieved to show my parents I could do it, there was always the next thing.  And most of it felt pretty hollow. 

I didn’t think I was supposed to be anything more than a series of wins and if I didn’t win, then suddenly I was no longer worthy.  The amount of unlearning I had to do to solidify the belief that my existence was enough felt insurmountable.  Every layer brought out another wound and when I thought I moved forward, there was still more beneath.  It wasn’t until I really started digging into purpose and the relationship we have with time that I began to reclaim my autonomy and the authority in my own life.  That and the recognition of how many people were capable of doing amazing things.  Big or small, it didn’t matter, if they wanted to do something they did it.  By the time I got to adulthood I was stuck in corporate land and still needing to ask permission for a day off.  That is when I decided enough was enough.  I was tired of living in a cage.

I took a hard look around and realized that I was living up to everyone else’s expectations except my own.  It became really challenging to function around other people because I felt like I had to be someone different with everyone.  I felt like I let parts of myself show through with each individual and they automatically defined me in a certain way.  Then I had to be that way and I started living my life to make others comfortable rather than fulfilling my dreams.  I did the things other people wanted me to do and I tried doing things I saw other people doing.  Learning to get quiet with myself and to really hear the core of my desires was really challenging.  It felt selfish and wrong at first, like the things I wanted were something to be ashamed of or greedy.  But let me tell you, there is no shame in what your heart is telling you is right.

Once I made peace with that, I realized that I no longer needed to put on a show.  In living this life, we get one shot and I knew that included me.  I couldn’t pass up anymore time.  I heartily began questioning why on Earth someone else’s desires/expectations were more important than my own—I’m living MY life, why should they have any say in it?  Myleik Teele said it best, “You’re trying to run my race on your legs.”  So GOOD.  The thoughts people have about you are really a projection of them.  Their fears of your failure are really a projection of their fears.  They weren’t really seeing what I could do—they were seeing what they COULDN’T do.  So why was I living up to their expectation?  Why do any of us?  They don’t think they can make it through the day, do you think they have enough energy to see where you’re going?

I was no longer meant to stay in the cage of the perfect girl, always doing what she is told, making safe moves, following the path.  Even on that path, no matter how well I did, I still had to fight twice as hard to get there.  That was a lot of wasted energy on things I didn’t even want.  But I realized that if people couldn’t see their own potential, there was no way they could see mine.  It wasn’t my responsibility to be the person they thought I was—it was my responsibility to define and flex who I was as I saw fit.  That goes for EVERYONE. I held onto who I thought I was supposed to be for too long and it created a TON of internal conflict because my heart and my mind were telling me what was right for me but that nagging guilt told me I had to do something else.  Trying to satisfy both got me nowhere.

For those of you struggling to define yourself or to break free from someone else’s definition, this is your permission slip.  Put down the weight of what they say you are.  Put down the imposed responsibility of maintaining an image for the sake of someone else’s comfort.  Step into who you are.  No matter what you do, someone is going to talk.  It literally doesn’t matter. So do what makes you happy, do what feels right, do whatever you want as long as you do no harm.  Their happiness isn’t your responsibility: your happiness is your responsibility.  People may feel hurt about your choices because they’re not getting what they want from you.  Do it anyway.  You set the bar.  You make the choice.  It’s yours.

“A seed grows with no sound but a tree falls with a huge noise.  Destruction has noise but creation is quiet.  This is the power of silence.  Grow Silently,”  Confucius.  As we take steps to define what we want, we often mistake the apparent inaction of our efforts as no progress.  We stop before we nurture what is already in motion.  I’ve spoken candidly quite often about my impatience and all of the ventures I started but never saw through.  When I didn’t see results on my timeline, I panicked.  I would stop all efforts because I didn’t look for the solutions to move forward.  And quite frankly, I wasn’t patient enough to let what I started grow into something. 

Change isn’t like a light switch where we turn off who we were and turn on who we are trying to be.  Humans are complex creatures bogged with emotions and thoughts and a nervous system that rapidly calculates the chance of failure in a world that changes even faster.  All of those things take time to unlearn and to rewire into a new way of thinking.  When we make the conscious decision to change, there are millions of synapses wired to move in a certain direction.  Think about the old carts on the dirt roads: you walk the same path every day and eventually the cart gets stuck in the grooves it created.  It takes a lot of effort to move it onto a new path.  Our minds are the same. 

We are also creatures of comparison and we look at what other people are doing all the time.  Our lives are lived on the internet, sharing the highlights, creating a false sense of progress or even superiority in other people.  We announce what we are doing all the time so we don’t give ourselves the chance to let things become what they really are before we share them.  If our end result looks different than someone else’s we get down on ourselves and think our lives aren’t good enough.  The truth is, no one is really watching that carefully.  We make snap decisions, and in some cases that is good because as quickly as we make a bad choice, we can make a new one.  And bottom line, no one really tells the truth 100% of the time so do your work and let the rest go.

There is so much power in silence.  When we grow to show people we are growing, it loses it’s value.  We dilute the work because we’ve made it a performance.  Now, if you’re growing to help others on their way that is a different story.  Becoming who we are meant to be is painful.  The shedding of a lifetime we created can be terrifying and scary because we no longer have the security of who we thought we were.  We open up the possibility for a new reaction because we can ask ourselves why we felt the need to react that way in the first place.

Beautiful things take time to bud.  Growth is messy and it is painful, but it is still beautiful.  It’s the perfecting of who we are and stepping into a new life.  It’s the releasing of preconceived notions and long-held beliefs in place of what we really want.  It’s getting in touch with our intuition and giving that little voice the opportunity to say what it needs to—and heeding it.  None of that work is loud or showy—it is quiet and personal.  So if things are quiet or if you’re not seeing the results you want after starting the work, just be patient.  Allow.  Trust that the work you can’t see is more powerful than what anyone else is displaying.  Your work is real.  It is authentic.  It is lasting.  Let it grow.  

“Every day you are the product of your decisions, not your circumstances,” Lewis Howes.  The simplicity of the power of the mind complicated by the nervous system, the emotion, the way we feel about a situation.  For example, you have to speak to an employee about something they’ve done wrong, your heart may race, and you let emotion bleed into the issue at hand.  When you’re an intuitive and emotionally receptive, it’s easy to get swept up in how someone feels (or may feel) rather than stick with the facts of what has happened.  The same can be said for how we approach day to day decisions.  How often do we rage at the person who just cut us off?  How often do we become frustrated when not immediately getting what we want?  How often do we get angry when our partners don’t see the circumstance exactly as we do?

Any one of those situations can become volatile when we let our emotions dictate the response.  Emotions aren’t a bad thing.  We are human and we are trained to follow what feels good and push away what feels bad.  But rather than looking at how we feel in a situation, we can learn to use emotions as a guidepost.  Rather than making a distinction (I AM mad, or they HURT me, or that decision was UNFAIR), we can train our minds to look at it objectively.  We can observe and recognize that we are having a feeling about what is happening, but what we are feeling isn’t actually what is happening.  As angry as we get when someone cuts us off, were they really maliciously doing it TO you or were they behaving inconsiderately because of something else?  (For the record, can we stop driving like assholes? Please?  You really aren’t the only one on the road—leave earlier if you need to.  😊) 

When emotions become our guideposts, we can process what is really going on and unpack the behavior, feelings, and next actions behind it.  I know this seems like a lot but that is only because we are trained to make decisions in milliseconds.  Training ourselves to slow down and take in the event creates space to think again.  What we feel in the moment is irrelevant to what is happening and if we make a rash decision, we lose the opportunity to see the truth.  We are also a highly egoic species, trained to compete and be the best and we let that translate to day to day activities like getting somewhere first, being right, or winning an argument.       

If you want your life to look a certain way, or if you want to handle conflict better, or if you want to make better decisions with greater adaptability, you have to harness the power of your mind.  You need to recognize that you have the power and you need to learn to use it.  I was one of those women who immediately flew off the handle if things didn’t go my way.  Everything was a personal affront on my character—even though I didn’t get offended—and I constantly felt like a target.  In short, I was MISERABLE and I was angry all the time.  Constantly trying to control people to conform to my ideals didn’t work either and it was flat out exhausting.  It is statistically impossible that everything is wrong when you are that angry all the time—the common factor is you.

Looking at things differently and pausing to make different decisions offers so much more freedom than forcing the world to go your way.  There is peace in it.  More often than not, you will see things flowing much more easily when you start taking things at face value rather than personally.  The situation is rarely good or bad, it’s how you interpret it.  If you want a good day, it has to be a good day.  If you want to be happy, you have to be happy.  I’m not suggesting you give up on your path or take things lying down (we aren’t doormats).  I AM suggesting that you learn to look at things a bit differently.  When you’re firmly grounded in reality, what happens has less impact and you’re able to react appropriately.  This is your life and you can make it what you want with that kind of openness.  Think differently and you will see you’ve already got the world at your fingertips.

“You’ll never do something in your life you can’t define; if you can’t articulate something and what it means to you, you won’t put it into practice,” Jay Shetty.  This is a nice follow up to the post on distraction.  We ended that discussion talking about clarity and how that helps define the steps we need to take to reach our goals.  When we set vague intention and take vague action, we get vague results.  And if we don’t know why we are doing it, then we have set ourselves up for failure and often stop working toward what we want.  It’s like driving with a map toward an unknown destination—if you don’t have a location in mind you’ll drive in circles.  You’re moving but you’re not getting anywhere in particular.

I have always been a big dreamer.  I thought years in the future and I picked things I wanted like life was an a la carte menu.  But I never saw those dreams through to fruition.  I’d start a million projects at once and lose interest or get defeated and move onto the next one.  Rather than a nice meal, I’d end up with half cooked, half eaten plates.  It wasn’t until very recently that I realized my problem was I didn’t give things enough time to develop.  The other issue was that I was so insecure that I rarely had the courage to continue with something I wanted if I faced any challenges.  I was raised on the misguided belief that if we are meant to have something it will be easy.  I never learned to take control of my mind or ownership of my life so I never learned to internalize what the work I did meant to me.

I worked for a paycheck.  My jobs rarely felt satisfying even though I was successful.  I could do the work but it held little meaning so I continued working because it paid the bills.  But the older I got, the louder my dreams became.  I started hating the work I did because it was stagnant.  Even though I was good at it, it wasn’t my purpose.  I still didn’t believe my personal projects held much merit and I was too shy to go out on a limb and share—until I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I started speaking with people and coaching them and I started working in leadership positions in my 9-5.  I realized that I had a gift for helping people shape their lives.

In full transparency, I’m still not 100% clear on how I want everything in my life to look, but I am allowing myself to do the things I enjoy now.  I’m not waiting for the right time—this is the only time I have.  With all of the self-improvement work I’ve done, all the breaking down to get to the root of my issues, and all of the people I’ve worked with, I recognized that there is purpose in the moment.  The fact that I am alive means my experiences can be valuable to someone else.  But as I am shaping my future, I see how much more direct I need to be.  The life I want has always been a nebulous little dream.  But as the pieces I’ve defined have fallen into place, this surge of empowerment has come over me and I see how clarity creates results.  As Marie Forleo says, “Clarity comes from engagement (action) not thought.” 

The universe responds to our actions and the more decisive we can be, the more aligned with what is right for us, the more in tune with our purpose, the more the options open up.  As we become clear with where we want to go, the path appears.  I truly believe we can do anything we put our minds to.  If you are dedicated and sincere and do the work, you will get where you want to be.  It doesn’t matter where you start from, it just matters how you move in this world.  If you can see the prize in your mind, you can find a way to get there.  And always remember, there is more than one way to the top of the mountain.  Some paths are more difficult but that doesn’t mean you won’t get there.  So take the time to get clear on why you are here.  Get clear on what you want.  Then go for it.

Today I am grateful for spontaneity.  Yesterday we started off the day hitting the ground running.  I worked, took care of the animals, drew my cards, we cleaned we had a small breakfast and then we were out and about, picking up a few things, we got some lunch.  We got back home and realized we had to go out again.  We went to a couple different stores and ended up getting ice cream and going for a long drive.  Seeing my kid enjoy a simple cone with so much relish made my day.  By the time we got home, it was dusk and my son asked to go fishing so we took a walk to the lake by us and we spent some time fishing.  My little boy caught a small blue gill and shouted, “It’s a miracle!” only to be followed up a minute later by a two pound small mouth bass that nearly broke his little pole.  The excitement, the simplicity of spending the day together, and the pure joy—THAT is what I’m living for. 

Today I am grateful to step into presence.  I really struggle to focus for long periods of time because my mind is always going in multiple directions and if I don’t start something when I think about it, I will forget.  After lunch yesterday, my son and I were waiting for my husband, just hanging out in the car enjoying the gorgeous weather and I was on my phone.  My son looked at me and said, “Mama, I have something to say to you.”  Those are the magic words in our house, so I put my phone down and gave him full attention.  He said, “When I was born, I loved you.  I will always love you.”  My heart MELTED on the spot.  I grabbed my boy and just held him.  It was everything I could do not to cry.  I thought of all the times I felt so annoyed as a parent and how that must have made him feel when all he wanted was love.  I knew then and there I could never do that again.  I never WANT to do that again.  My son is super sensitive and incredibly intuitive and I want to be there for every moment he needs me. 

Today I am grateful for signs from the universe.  Every day I ask for signs.  I always try to make sure my actions are aligned with my purpose and I ask for signs to tell me when I’m moving in the right direction.  Ever since I’ve shifted my focus and become more serious about my goals, I’ve noticed the signs coming in more consistently.  There are days I will get my sign up to 10 times.  For years I’ve asked for the same thing as my indicator and there would be times I wouldn’t see it maybe once a week, if at all.  Shifting my mindset has opened me up to new possibilities and as I take them, the feeling is absolute joy and peace.  The universe responds to that and I am grateful.    

Today I am grateful to more comfortably align.  My husband and I haven’t seen eye to eye for a long time.  We have a lot of similar goals but we don’t always agree on how to achieve them.  He is more willing to get into debt than I am.  For a long time we both sought instant gratification and we spent a lot of money on things we didn’t need because we wanted to have fun in the moment.  I broke that habit a long time ago and I am quite content with what we have and what I’m contributing and building for our future.  My husband has taken some time to do the work and find what really makes him happy.  Rather than working for instant gratification and regretting it or it having no use, he is now more willing to play the longer game.  There are only so many things you can guy and still feel miserable before you realize it’s not a thing you lack, it’s connection.  We have done a lot of work to connect with ourselves and get honest about what we need to do to have the life we want.  It’s a sense of being on the same page. 

Today I am grateful for results.  I firmly believe that our lives will always be a work in progress.  We are meant to evolve and learn and adapt.  But there is a sense of peace and yes, pleasure, that comes when things coalesce.  When you’ve wanted something for so long and have put in the effort on something you’ve seen coming together, it feels amazing when it finally works.  There is a sense of validation but it’s more than that.  There isn’t any pushing.  It no longer feels like you’re struggling uphill or grinding against a cog that never quite fit.  It just works. 

Today I am grateful for my family.  I’ve always wanted more time with my family and this weekend demonstrated perfectly exactly why and what I want.  We have had an incredibly relaxing weekend yet super productive.  The time we spend together is so special.  Even if it’s just driving around to see some local sights, being present and loving each other and experiencing growth with each other is the best feeling in the world.  Time is something we can never get back.  The fact that I can spend it with the people I love is something I will never take for granted.   

“If you don’t separate yourself from your distractions, your distractions will separate you from your goals and the life you want,” Rob Booker.  This is absolutely true and it requires so much honesty it can be painful.  When we look at how we spend our time we have a tendency to gloss over how much we are really wasting.  I am no stranger to wanting my down time and my free time, but we have to get really honest with how much we really do as well as how we spend our time.  So, it is a matter of activity versus productivity as well as what leisure really means to us.  And FYI, having a device glued to your hand ISN’T relaxing: it is stimulating and, depending on what you are using it for, can be highly stress inducing.  That is a distraction.

Many of us find that type of honesty challenging because we don’t want to admit that we have a say in the outcome of things.  We feel pretty entitled to doing what we want when we want to and we don’t want to think that our inaction has any real impact.  But the more we fill our lives with nonsense the less room we have for what we really want.  The more we push things off, the longer it will take to get where we need to be—if we ever get there at all.  The worst feeling is looking back and knowing you had a chance to change your course and didn’t take it because you gave into a temporary emotion. 

For me, my biggest distraction is kind of everything around me.  I honestly struggle to ignore environmental stimulation whether it is the temperature of the room or my cats messing around or even animals outside.  That often ends up triggering my anxiety because I go down the rabbit hole of thoughts and memories and future tripping and then I just spiral from there.  I also spend a fair amount of time on social media which I know I need to curb.  I try to use it intentionally because I do a lot of research and I follow a good combination of educational, inspirational, and humorous things—I really do try to avoid the garbage, but I’m still on it a lot.  That also doesn’t really help the anxiety at times because I see a million things I want to do.

That is the other aspect of distraction as well—when we start multiple things at once, with the best intentions, and we never finish them, there is always this weight hanging over your shoulders of open-ended things.  And having projects is a positive thing, but a lack of clear follow through keeps us from completing anything.  I fully admit that I give up on some things way too easily.  I’m not sure if that is entirely about distraction or if it’s more about overwhelm, but either way it contributes to the stress of not finishing things.  We put ourselves in a state where we always have something waiting for us if we don’t finish what we start.

Distraction has one other facet I want to discuss as well: the fact that many of us give into it because we don’t believe we will be able to achieve what we want.  Insecurity is a heavy blanket designed to put out the fire/spark of inspiration.  Why would we start anything if we don’t think we will get the results we are looking for?  It’s much easier to give into the simplicity of Netflix or scrolling through our phones than it is to put a plan together and take action.  Whether or not something is easy doesn’t mean it isn’t achievable.  Focus is simple but it isn’t easy but that doesn’t mean we can’t do it.  It’s a matter of changing what we focus on. 

Regardless of the reason for giving into distraction, we all face it.  It doesn’t make us bad but it takes away the imagined privilege of blaming anyone else for where we are.  If you’re choosing to spend 3 hours a night watching TV then we can’t say anyone else made us do that.  Taming distraction is a manageable thing and something we all have to take responsibility for.  The good thing is that distractions tend to fall away the clearer we get with our goals.  So figure out where you are and where you want to be and then take steps to get there.  As you achieve the little steps in between your confidence will build and before you know it, the outside doesn’t matter because you’re creating your own world.  That is the goal.

“Let it be simple: where are you now? Where do you want to be instead? What are you willing to do to get there?” Marie Forleo.  Marie has it right as far as how to move the needle—address your discomfort with where you are, figure out where you want to go, and act on it.  But how do we determine where we want to go?  In letting go of perfection, I’ve noticed a couple trends; either you want to do it all and get overwhelmed in trying it, or you literally can’t decide because your remnants of perfection still want you to pick what’s “right”.  So I want to add a step: once you put down the weight of performing, make it a goal to have fun for a while.  Allow yourself to breathe for a bit.  Then look around you.  That’s when you ask yourself the questions.

People are so willing to give up their creativity in favor of perceived security.  We are absolutely taught to color within the lines and to fear what happens if we stray.  Creativity isn’t glorified until someone “makes it” and even then they immediately worry about the next thing.  I didn’t realize how deeply engrained that was until I had a panic attack telling my son to color in the lines.  At the same time I was telling him to draw whatever he wanted, so I can imagine how conflicting that was.  Regardless of what we are told, we have the ability to create virtually anything we want.

Recognizing what we want often begins with understanding what we don’t want and how we got there.  The truth is, even if we aren’t where we want to be, where we are is never all bad.  There are valuable traits that got us to where we stand and we need to honor that and appreciate it.  I wrote a few days ago about fully appreciating where I’m at and no longer feeling the need to push.  We also need to understand that just because we aren’t happy in current state, that doesn’t necessarily make us ungrateful.  It means we are ready to move forward and we can be grateful for the lessons.  We aren’t meant to stagnate in one spot, living in a set way.  When we hear the call, we are meant to answer.  It’s our job to fill the gap of where we are to get where we want (and are meant) to be.

So while it is simple, it isn’t easy.  There is real work and effort involved with change.  It is decisive and discerning and it is painful to give up what we are used to.  It’s even a little scary because with freedom comes responsibility.  Everything that happens—or doesn’t happen—is a result of your decisions and your actions.  But it is worth every step.  There is nothing that matches the feeling of waking up and knowing the day is entirely your own.  That you get a say in what comes and that you can change direction any time.  That is an entirely different level of power when we can say no to what doesn’t serve and yes to what works.

I love the clarity of Forleo’s formula.  We have a tendency to overcomplicate the simplest of tasks and to frustrate ourselves with the imagined complexities of outcomes we can’t always predict.  So taking stock of where we are and admitting that we want something else, and that we have the potential to see it through, that our dreams may be a reality is key to changing where we are at.  There is no point in weighing ourselves down with unnecessary fears—it is well worth the calculated effort and trials to create a life you want.  Don’t make it hard—we are allowed to make it easy.     

“Half of life is lost in charming others.  The other half is lost in going through anxieties caused by others.  Leave this play, you have played long enough,” Rumi.  The other day I wrote about the assignments we are given at birth.  How we are given an identity and a role and then we are supposed to select from a prescribed list of lives to be considered worthy/successful in some illusion that we have it all figured out.  Human relationships are unnecessarily complicated because we are essentially trained to live up to other’s expectations above our own.  We are social animals and we don’t want to let the herd down, we want to be accepted, so we must do what the group approves of and perform. 

My family has it’s complications like anyone else’s.  For me that meant growing up with large age gaps between my siblings and experiencing adult things way too soon.  I experienced traumatic loss early on multiple times, the aftermath of mental health issues, the storm of mental health issues, the near loss of each of my siblings at different points, the perceived loss of my siblings as they moved out, the witness to my parents and their struggles with life, and also witnessing their successes and how they behaved.  I certainly was never deprived of the necessities and even some of the luxuries—I was very blessed.  But coping with the various things led me straight to the path of perfectionism because I could control everything.  I’ve told the story before that when I was five years old, I decided my parents had enough and I wanted to be good for them.  Couple that with a few reality checks along the way, and by the time I was eleven years old, I ran the game around performing for people.

I could give anyone what they wanted.  I could make them feel any way they wanted—successful, happy, smart.  I could give you exactly what you needed in that moment.  It was only three years later the weight of giving everyone what they wanted started to wear.  Times I should have played with my friends faded away because I couldn’t relate to any of them anymore.  I was on a different level, seeking validation from the adults in my life.  I spoke differently and behaved differently than they did and was told often, “I wish X was more like you.”  At one point that was music to my ears—now I see how hollow that was—and how disgusting.  Really, just how unhealthy. 

People love the shell we show them.  If we’re good enough then they will follow the performance.  But that isn’t reality.  None of that performing was me.  I chameleon-ed myself in every situation and didn’t have a clue who I was well into adulthood.  I never once felt external value based on my true identity.  I remember the few times letting it slip and allowing my loud self to have some real fun.  The adults around me called me bimbo or told me to be quiet.  THAT devastated me and immediately the performance started again.  My brain immediately went to embarrassment and shame and I locked the real me even further down.  And good Lord did I succeed at suppressing myself.

I entered the work force young and holding on to my performance and the story repeated itself.  I ended up taking on too much and wearing myself out.  I jumped from career to career for a while in the middle, but my MO stayed the same: charming, disarming, over-performing to be liked and accepted.  I realized I carried that show with me everywhere, expanding my audience.  The stage changed, but I never strayed far from the act.  The simple truth is, the voice inside got louder and more obnoxious about the things I really wanted to do and I was tired.  That’s a long time to put on a show and to carry things that aren’t really ours and to carry the things we think protect us. 

Dropping the habit of perfection takes a lot of work.  Hell, I still fear talking to my boss about needed schedule changes or introducing an idea.  It has nothing to do with her, I just don’t want to rock the boat at times.  But letting go of that shield means getting vulnerable with who we are.  It’s a different kind of work than putting on a show.  It takes inside work to develop self-worth and a true identity.  Who are you when you’ve always been what you’re told?  Or what you need to be in the moment?  While it may seem a daunting task to answer that, it is well worth finding it.  Once you put down the mask and live raw, exposing who you really are, you understand you’ve finally given yourself a chance.  You see what really matters.  You see how little the act really means as people move on to the next performer.  You see how precious time is.  You see you never needed permission to be real.  The game is rigged anyway, so as Rumi says, stop playing.  You have nothing to lose except who you told them you were.  You will gain who you really are.