Inner World…

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“You live in a mirrorverse.  Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world,” via law of void.  I spent years complaining about how things were in my life, lamenting that I wasn’t where I wanted to be.  I blamed everyone around me.  My husband didn’t do what he was “supposed” to do, my parents had high expectations, people were out to get me, they didn’t want me to succeed, I was too short to be taken seriously so people didn’t give me a chance, my mistakes were permanent, and I was always “being punished.”  There were nuggets of truth in each of those statements, but none of them were THE truth.  I couldn’t see past the injustice of it at the time.  I spent my time collecting things and holding onto the things I had collected before and carrying all of that stuff with me. I lived in a relic of time gone by, of dreams I once had, a time of who I was.

While I was proud of the successes I had and grateful for the opportunities, I knew I had to do more.  I looked at so much of what I did as a burden because it didn’t feel like it was mine.  I mean, you carry someone else’s baggage through the airport while they walk unencumbered, you’d get ticked too.  Now, imagine carrying that for a lifetime.  I realized that it was a combination of my own expectations as well as buying into what those around me expected and that I needed to put it down.  I wanted to do more.  More of what I wanted.  More of what I was meant to do.  I wanted to invite more of the things I wanted in my life in my life.  That meant taking ownership. 

Responsibility is a scary thing, and I’ve talked a lot about that here.  We put a lot of pressure on outcomes, yields, and results in this society and when we pursue something, we are “supposed” to have some “valid” or quantifiable result to show people.  We too often discredit the work that goes into becoming what we want to be.  We have to strip away everything we have been taught to believe, to pursue, to love and start going after what we actually believe, what we really want, and what really means something to us.  It is an unbecoming of a false skin and an unloading of false data and it is scary in the emptiness when you once had something tangible to hold onto.  But if the things around you no longer have meaning, put them down.  Sit in the stillness/emptiness.  We have to clear before we move on.

The bottom line is the outside is a reflection of the inside.  If you’re confused and unclear in what you’re trying to do, there won’t be clear results.  If you’re trying to do a million things at once, you will accumulate a million unfinished things around you.  All of the anger I had about the outside world shifted when I saw that I could change my inner world.  It’s a daily process and will probably always be a work in progress, but I am willing to do that work in order to get what is really meant for me over suffering at the hands of what someone tells me I am worth.  No.  Focus and flexibility are all that is required to move mountains.  Pause.  Breathe.  Get clear.  Get moving.

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