“A seed grows with no sound but a tree falls with a huge noise.  Destruction has noise but creation is quiet.  This is the power of silence.  Grow Silently,”  Confucius.  As we take steps to define what we want, we often mistake the apparent inaction of our efforts as no progress.  We stop before we nurture what is already in motion.  I’ve spoken candidly quite often about my impatience and all of the ventures I started but never saw through.  When I didn’t see results on my timeline, I panicked.  I would stop all efforts because I didn’t look for the solutions to move forward.  And quite frankly, I wasn’t patient enough to let what I started grow into something. 

Change isn’t like a light switch where we turn off who we were and turn on who we are trying to be.  Humans are complex creatures bogged with emotions and thoughts and a nervous system that rapidly calculates the chance of failure in a world that changes even faster.  All of those things take time to unlearn and to rewire into a new way of thinking.  When we make the conscious decision to change, there are millions of synapses wired to move in a certain direction.  Think about the old carts on the dirt roads: you walk the same path every day and eventually the cart gets stuck in the grooves it created.  It takes a lot of effort to move it onto a new path.  Our minds are the same. 

We are also creatures of comparison and we look at what other people are doing all the time.  Our lives are lived on the internet, sharing the highlights, creating a false sense of progress or even superiority in other people.  We announce what we are doing all the time so we don’t give ourselves the chance to let things become what they really are before we share them.  If our end result looks different than someone else’s we get down on ourselves and think our lives aren’t good enough.  The truth is, no one is really watching that carefully.  We make snap decisions, and in some cases that is good because as quickly as we make a bad choice, we can make a new one.  And bottom line, no one really tells the truth 100% of the time so do your work and let the rest go.

There is so much power in silence.  When we grow to show people we are growing, it loses it’s value.  We dilute the work because we’ve made it a performance.  Now, if you’re growing to help others on their way that is a different story.  Becoming who we are meant to be is painful.  The shedding of a lifetime we created can be terrifying and scary because we no longer have the security of who we thought we were.  We open up the possibility for a new reaction because we can ask ourselves why we felt the need to react that way in the first place.

Beautiful things take time to bud.  Growth is messy and it is painful, but it is still beautiful.  It’s the perfecting of who we are and stepping into a new life.  It’s the releasing of preconceived notions and long-held beliefs in place of what we really want.  It’s getting in touch with our intuition and giving that little voice the opportunity to say what it needs to—and heeding it.  None of that work is loud or showy—it is quiet and personal.  So if things are quiet or if you’re not seeing the results you want after starting the work, just be patient.  Allow.  Trust that the work you can’t see is more powerful than what anyone else is displaying.  Your work is real.  It is authentic.  It is lasting.  Let it grow.  

“Every day you are the product of your decisions, not your circumstances,” Lewis Howes.  The simplicity of the power of the mind complicated by the nervous system, the emotion, the way we feel about a situation.  For example, you have to speak to an employee about something they’ve done wrong, your heart may race, and you let emotion bleed into the issue at hand.  When you’re an intuitive and emotionally receptive, it’s easy to get swept up in how someone feels (or may feel) rather than stick with the facts of what has happened.  The same can be said for how we approach day to day decisions.  How often do we rage at the person who just cut us off?  How often do we become frustrated when not immediately getting what we want?  How often do we get angry when our partners don’t see the circumstance exactly as we do?

Any one of those situations can become volatile when we let our emotions dictate the response.  Emotions aren’t a bad thing.  We are human and we are trained to follow what feels good and push away what feels bad.  But rather than looking at how we feel in a situation, we can learn to use emotions as a guidepost.  Rather than making a distinction (I AM mad, or they HURT me, or that decision was UNFAIR), we can train our minds to look at it objectively.  We can observe and recognize that we are having a feeling about what is happening, but what we are feeling isn’t actually what is happening.  As angry as we get when someone cuts us off, were they really maliciously doing it TO you or were they behaving inconsiderately because of something else?  (For the record, can we stop driving like assholes? Please?  You really aren’t the only one on the road—leave earlier if you need to.  😊) 

When emotions become our guideposts, we can process what is really going on and unpack the behavior, feelings, and next actions behind it.  I know this seems like a lot but that is only because we are trained to make decisions in milliseconds.  Training ourselves to slow down and take in the event creates space to think again.  What we feel in the moment is irrelevant to what is happening and if we make a rash decision, we lose the opportunity to see the truth.  We are also a highly egoic species, trained to compete and be the best and we let that translate to day to day activities like getting somewhere first, being right, or winning an argument.       

If you want your life to look a certain way, or if you want to handle conflict better, or if you want to make better decisions with greater adaptability, you have to harness the power of your mind.  You need to recognize that you have the power and you need to learn to use it.  I was one of those women who immediately flew off the handle if things didn’t go my way.  Everything was a personal affront on my character—even though I didn’t get offended—and I constantly felt like a target.  In short, I was MISERABLE and I was angry all the time.  Constantly trying to control people to conform to my ideals didn’t work either and it was flat out exhausting.  It is statistically impossible that everything is wrong when you are that angry all the time—the common factor is you.

Looking at things differently and pausing to make different decisions offers so much more freedom than forcing the world to go your way.  There is peace in it.  More often than not, you will see things flowing much more easily when you start taking things at face value rather than personally.  The situation is rarely good or bad, it’s how you interpret it.  If you want a good day, it has to be a good day.  If you want to be happy, you have to be happy.  I’m not suggesting you give up on your path or take things lying down (we aren’t doormats).  I AM suggesting that you learn to look at things a bit differently.  When you’re firmly grounded in reality, what happens has less impact and you’re able to react appropriately.  This is your life and you can make it what you want with that kind of openness.  Think differently and you will see you’ve already got the world at your fingertips.

“You’ll never do something in your life you can’t define; if you can’t articulate something and what it means to you, you won’t put it into practice,” Jay Shetty.  This is a nice follow up to the post on distraction.  We ended that discussion talking about clarity and how that helps define the steps we need to take to reach our goals.  When we set vague intention and take vague action, we get vague results.  And if we don’t know why we are doing it, then we have set ourselves up for failure and often stop working toward what we want.  It’s like driving with a map toward an unknown destination—if you don’t have a location in mind you’ll drive in circles.  You’re moving but you’re not getting anywhere in particular.

I have always been a big dreamer.  I thought years in the future and I picked things I wanted like life was an a la carte menu.  But I never saw those dreams through to fruition.  I’d start a million projects at once and lose interest or get defeated and move onto the next one.  Rather than a nice meal, I’d end up with half cooked, half eaten plates.  It wasn’t until very recently that I realized my problem was I didn’t give things enough time to develop.  The other issue was that I was so insecure that I rarely had the courage to continue with something I wanted if I faced any challenges.  I was raised on the misguided belief that if we are meant to have something it will be easy.  I never learned to take control of my mind or ownership of my life so I never learned to internalize what the work I did meant to me.

I worked for a paycheck.  My jobs rarely felt satisfying even though I was successful.  I could do the work but it held little meaning so I continued working because it paid the bills.  But the older I got, the louder my dreams became.  I started hating the work I did because it was stagnant.  Even though I was good at it, it wasn’t my purpose.  I still didn’t believe my personal projects held much merit and I was too shy to go out on a limb and share—until I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I started speaking with people and coaching them and I started working in leadership positions in my 9-5.  I realized that I had a gift for helping people shape their lives.

In full transparency, I’m still not 100% clear on how I want everything in my life to look, but I am allowing myself to do the things I enjoy now.  I’m not waiting for the right time—this is the only time I have.  With all of the self-improvement work I’ve done, all the breaking down to get to the root of my issues, and all of the people I’ve worked with, I recognized that there is purpose in the moment.  The fact that I am alive means my experiences can be valuable to someone else.  But as I am shaping my future, I see how much more direct I need to be.  The life I want has always been a nebulous little dream.  But as the pieces I’ve defined have fallen into place, this surge of empowerment has come over me and I see how clarity creates results.  As Marie Forleo says, “Clarity comes from engagement (action) not thought.” 

The universe responds to our actions and the more decisive we can be, the more aligned with what is right for us, the more in tune with our purpose, the more the options open up.  As we become clear with where we want to go, the path appears.  I truly believe we can do anything we put our minds to.  If you are dedicated and sincere and do the work, you will get where you want to be.  It doesn’t matter where you start from, it just matters how you move in this world.  If you can see the prize in your mind, you can find a way to get there.  And always remember, there is more than one way to the top of the mountain.  Some paths are more difficult but that doesn’t mean you won’t get there.  So take the time to get clear on why you are here.  Get clear on what you want.  Then go for it.

Today I am grateful for spontaneity.  Yesterday we started off the day hitting the ground running.  I worked, took care of the animals, drew my cards, we cleaned we had a small breakfast and then we were out and about, picking up a few things, we got some lunch.  We got back home and realized we had to go out again.  We went to a couple different stores and ended up getting ice cream and going for a long drive.  Seeing my kid enjoy a simple cone with so much relish made my day.  By the time we got home, it was dusk and my son asked to go fishing so we took a walk to the lake by us and we spent some time fishing.  My little boy caught a small blue gill and shouted, “It’s a miracle!” only to be followed up a minute later by a two pound small mouth bass that nearly broke his little pole.  The excitement, the simplicity of spending the day together, and the pure joy—THAT is what I’m living for. 

Today I am grateful to step into presence.  I really struggle to focus for long periods of time because my mind is always going in multiple directions and if I don’t start something when I think about it, I will forget.  After lunch yesterday, my son and I were waiting for my husband, just hanging out in the car enjoying the gorgeous weather and I was on my phone.  My son looked at me and said, “Mama, I have something to say to you.”  Those are the magic words in our house, so I put my phone down and gave him full attention.  He said, “When I was born, I loved you.  I will always love you.”  My heart MELTED on the spot.  I grabbed my boy and just held him.  It was everything I could do not to cry.  I thought of all the times I felt so annoyed as a parent and how that must have made him feel when all he wanted was love.  I knew then and there I could never do that again.  I never WANT to do that again.  My son is super sensitive and incredibly intuitive and I want to be there for every moment he needs me. 

Today I am grateful for signs from the universe.  Every day I ask for signs.  I always try to make sure my actions are aligned with my purpose and I ask for signs to tell me when I’m moving in the right direction.  Ever since I’ve shifted my focus and become more serious about my goals, I’ve noticed the signs coming in more consistently.  There are days I will get my sign up to 10 times.  For years I’ve asked for the same thing as my indicator and there would be times I wouldn’t see it maybe once a week, if at all.  Shifting my mindset has opened me up to new possibilities and as I take them, the feeling is absolute joy and peace.  The universe responds to that and I am grateful.    

Today I am grateful to more comfortably align.  My husband and I haven’t seen eye to eye for a long time.  We have a lot of similar goals but we don’t always agree on how to achieve them.  He is more willing to get into debt than I am.  For a long time we both sought instant gratification and we spent a lot of money on things we didn’t need because we wanted to have fun in the moment.  I broke that habit a long time ago and I am quite content with what we have and what I’m contributing and building for our future.  My husband has taken some time to do the work and find what really makes him happy.  Rather than working for instant gratification and regretting it or it having no use, he is now more willing to play the longer game.  There are only so many things you can guy and still feel miserable before you realize it’s not a thing you lack, it’s connection.  We have done a lot of work to connect with ourselves and get honest about what we need to do to have the life we want.  It’s a sense of being on the same page. 

Today I am grateful for results.  I firmly believe that our lives will always be a work in progress.  We are meant to evolve and learn and adapt.  But there is a sense of peace and yes, pleasure, that comes when things coalesce.  When you’ve wanted something for so long and have put in the effort on something you’ve seen coming together, it feels amazing when it finally works.  There is a sense of validation but it’s more than that.  There isn’t any pushing.  It no longer feels like you’re struggling uphill or grinding against a cog that never quite fit.  It just works. 

Today I am grateful for my family.  I’ve always wanted more time with my family and this weekend demonstrated perfectly exactly why and what I want.  We have had an incredibly relaxing weekend yet super productive.  The time we spend together is so special.  Even if it’s just driving around to see some local sights, being present and loving each other and experiencing growth with each other is the best feeling in the world.  Time is something we can never get back.  The fact that I can spend it with the people I love is something I will never take for granted.   

“If you don’t separate yourself from your distractions, your distractions will separate you from your goals and the life you want,” Rob Booker.  This is absolutely true and it requires so much honesty it can be painful.  When we look at how we spend our time we have a tendency to gloss over how much we are really wasting.  I am no stranger to wanting my down time and my free time, but we have to get really honest with how much we really do as well as how we spend our time.  So, it is a matter of activity versus productivity as well as what leisure really means to us.  And FYI, having a device glued to your hand ISN’T relaxing: it is stimulating and, depending on what you are using it for, can be highly stress inducing.  That is a distraction.

Many of us find that type of honesty challenging because we don’t want to admit that we have a say in the outcome of things.  We feel pretty entitled to doing what we want when we want to and we don’t want to think that our inaction has any real impact.  But the more we fill our lives with nonsense the less room we have for what we really want.  The more we push things off, the longer it will take to get where we need to be—if we ever get there at all.  The worst feeling is looking back and knowing you had a chance to change your course and didn’t take it because you gave into a temporary emotion. 

For me, my biggest distraction is kind of everything around me.  I honestly struggle to ignore environmental stimulation whether it is the temperature of the room or my cats messing around or even animals outside.  That often ends up triggering my anxiety because I go down the rabbit hole of thoughts and memories and future tripping and then I just spiral from there.  I also spend a fair amount of time on social media which I know I need to curb.  I try to use it intentionally because I do a lot of research and I follow a good combination of educational, inspirational, and humorous things—I really do try to avoid the garbage, but I’m still on it a lot.  That also doesn’t really help the anxiety at times because I see a million things I want to do.

That is the other aspect of distraction as well—when we start multiple things at once, with the best intentions, and we never finish them, there is always this weight hanging over your shoulders of open-ended things.  And having projects is a positive thing, but a lack of clear follow through keeps us from completing anything.  I fully admit that I give up on some things way too easily.  I’m not sure if that is entirely about distraction or if it’s more about overwhelm, but either way it contributes to the stress of not finishing things.  We put ourselves in a state where we always have something waiting for us if we don’t finish what we start.

Distraction has one other facet I want to discuss as well: the fact that many of us give into it because we don’t believe we will be able to achieve what we want.  Insecurity is a heavy blanket designed to put out the fire/spark of inspiration.  Why would we start anything if we don’t think we will get the results we are looking for?  It’s much easier to give into the simplicity of Netflix or scrolling through our phones than it is to put a plan together and take action.  Whether or not something is easy doesn’t mean it isn’t achievable.  Focus is simple but it isn’t easy but that doesn’t mean we can’t do it.  It’s a matter of changing what we focus on. 

Regardless of the reason for giving into distraction, we all face it.  It doesn’t make us bad but it takes away the imagined privilege of blaming anyone else for where we are.  If you’re choosing to spend 3 hours a night watching TV then we can’t say anyone else made us do that.  Taming distraction is a manageable thing and something we all have to take responsibility for.  The good thing is that distractions tend to fall away the clearer we get with our goals.  So figure out where you are and where you want to be and then take steps to get there.  As you achieve the little steps in between your confidence will build and before you know it, the outside doesn’t matter because you’re creating your own world.  That is the goal.

“Let it be simple: where are you now? Where do you want to be instead? What are you willing to do to get there?” Marie Forleo.  Marie has it right as far as how to move the needle—address your discomfort with where you are, figure out where you want to go, and act on it.  But how do we determine where we want to go?  In letting go of perfection, I’ve noticed a couple trends; either you want to do it all and get overwhelmed in trying it, or you literally can’t decide because your remnants of perfection still want you to pick what’s “right”.  So I want to add a step: once you put down the weight of performing, make it a goal to have fun for a while.  Allow yourself to breathe for a bit.  Then look around you.  That’s when you ask yourself the questions.

People are so willing to give up their creativity in favor of perceived security.  We are absolutely taught to color within the lines and to fear what happens if we stray.  Creativity isn’t glorified until someone “makes it” and even then they immediately worry about the next thing.  I didn’t realize how deeply engrained that was until I had a panic attack telling my son to color in the lines.  At the same time I was telling him to draw whatever he wanted, so I can imagine how conflicting that was.  Regardless of what we are told, we have the ability to create virtually anything we want.

Recognizing what we want often begins with understanding what we don’t want and how we got there.  The truth is, even if we aren’t where we want to be, where we are is never all bad.  There are valuable traits that got us to where we stand and we need to honor that and appreciate it.  I wrote a few days ago about fully appreciating where I’m at and no longer feeling the need to push.  We also need to understand that just because we aren’t happy in current state, that doesn’t necessarily make us ungrateful.  It means we are ready to move forward and we can be grateful for the lessons.  We aren’t meant to stagnate in one spot, living in a set way.  When we hear the call, we are meant to answer.  It’s our job to fill the gap of where we are to get where we want (and are meant) to be.

So while it is simple, it isn’t easy.  There is real work and effort involved with change.  It is decisive and discerning and it is painful to give up what we are used to.  It’s even a little scary because with freedom comes responsibility.  Everything that happens—or doesn’t happen—is a result of your decisions and your actions.  But it is worth every step.  There is nothing that matches the feeling of waking up and knowing the day is entirely your own.  That you get a say in what comes and that you can change direction any time.  That is an entirely different level of power when we can say no to what doesn’t serve and yes to what works.

I love the clarity of Forleo’s formula.  We have a tendency to overcomplicate the simplest of tasks and to frustrate ourselves with the imagined complexities of outcomes we can’t always predict.  So taking stock of where we are and admitting that we want something else, and that we have the potential to see it through, that our dreams may be a reality is key to changing where we are at.  There is no point in weighing ourselves down with unnecessary fears—it is well worth the calculated effort and trials to create a life you want.  Don’t make it hard—we are allowed to make it easy.     

“Half of life is lost in charming others.  The other half is lost in going through anxieties caused by others.  Leave this play, you have played long enough,” Rumi.  The other day I wrote about the assignments we are given at birth.  How we are given an identity and a role and then we are supposed to select from a prescribed list of lives to be considered worthy/successful in some illusion that we have it all figured out.  Human relationships are unnecessarily complicated because we are essentially trained to live up to other’s expectations above our own.  We are social animals and we don’t want to let the herd down, we want to be accepted, so we must do what the group approves of and perform. 

My family has it’s complications like anyone else’s.  For me that meant growing up with large age gaps between my siblings and experiencing adult things way too soon.  I experienced traumatic loss early on multiple times, the aftermath of mental health issues, the storm of mental health issues, the near loss of each of my siblings at different points, the perceived loss of my siblings as they moved out, the witness to my parents and their struggles with life, and also witnessing their successes and how they behaved.  I certainly was never deprived of the necessities and even some of the luxuries—I was very blessed.  But coping with the various things led me straight to the path of perfectionism because I could control everything.  I’ve told the story before that when I was five years old, I decided my parents had enough and I wanted to be good for them.  Couple that with a few reality checks along the way, and by the time I was eleven years old, I ran the game around performing for people.

I could give anyone what they wanted.  I could make them feel any way they wanted—successful, happy, smart.  I could give you exactly what you needed in that moment.  It was only three years later the weight of giving everyone what they wanted started to wear.  Times I should have played with my friends faded away because I couldn’t relate to any of them anymore.  I was on a different level, seeking validation from the adults in my life.  I spoke differently and behaved differently than they did and was told often, “I wish X was more like you.”  At one point that was music to my ears—now I see how hollow that was—and how disgusting.  Really, just how unhealthy. 

People love the shell we show them.  If we’re good enough then they will follow the performance.  But that isn’t reality.  None of that performing was me.  I chameleon-ed myself in every situation and didn’t have a clue who I was well into adulthood.  I never once felt external value based on my true identity.  I remember the few times letting it slip and allowing my loud self to have some real fun.  The adults around me called me bimbo or told me to be quiet.  THAT devastated me and immediately the performance started again.  My brain immediately went to embarrassment and shame and I locked the real me even further down.  And good Lord did I succeed at suppressing myself.

I entered the work force young and holding on to my performance and the story repeated itself.  I ended up taking on too much and wearing myself out.  I jumped from career to career for a while in the middle, but my MO stayed the same: charming, disarming, over-performing to be liked and accepted.  I realized I carried that show with me everywhere, expanding my audience.  The stage changed, but I never strayed far from the act.  The simple truth is, the voice inside got louder and more obnoxious about the things I really wanted to do and I was tired.  That’s a long time to put on a show and to carry things that aren’t really ours and to carry the things we think protect us. 

Dropping the habit of perfection takes a lot of work.  Hell, I still fear talking to my boss about needed schedule changes or introducing an idea.  It has nothing to do with her, I just don’t want to rock the boat at times.  But letting go of that shield means getting vulnerable with who we are.  It’s a different kind of work than putting on a show.  It takes inside work to develop self-worth and a true identity.  Who are you when you’ve always been what you’re told?  Or what you need to be in the moment?  While it may seem a daunting task to answer that, it is well worth finding it.  Once you put down the mask and live raw, exposing who you really are, you understand you’ve finally given yourself a chance.  You see what really matters.  You see how little the act really means as people move on to the next performer.  You see how precious time is.  You see you never needed permission to be real.  The game is rigged anyway, so as Rumi says, stop playing.  You have nothing to lose except who you told them you were.  You will gain who you really are.   

“As soon as you are born you are given a name, a religion, a nationality, and a race.  You spend the rest of your life defending a fictional identity,” via paradise awakening.  Following up on yesterday’s conversation about dreams and defining our path, I want to take a moment to acknowledge how difficult the work of self-discovery is, particularly in this society.  We are trained to perform and we are told who we are from day one.  The connection with our inner knowing is invalidated from the moment we are born.  We are constantly indoctrinated with what is right and wrong and what we should be doing and what we need to believe in a never ending current of information overload.  How are we able to define who we are if we are given the answer the moment we arrive here?  It gets even more confusing when parts of that identity turn out to be true but the rest don’t align.  And it’s even more painful when we are given an identity that completely isn’t us.  The soul of artists do not jive in a nine to five world.

Now, we are born with the blueprint of what we need to do in this life.  We need some help with the whole survival thing, but we have a pretty good sense of who we are right off the bat.  Just as any toddler and they are happy to share their opinions on the matter as well as their like (or dislike) of the situation.  The defiance of a three year old is pretty damn impressive.  We train that out of them and tell them what is acceptable and what isn’t.  But who the hell are we to decide what is right for other people?  I mean, I completely understand the greater good and doing no harm, I’m not talking about that.  But who said you HAVE to be a doctor?  Who said you HAVE to eat a certain way?  And here I am, captain hypocrite as I tell my son exactly who I want him to be…

That is where we break the cycle.  I mean, aside from teaching our kids not to be jerks and how to stay alive and healthy, they will figure it out.  Actually, most of them have it more figured out than we do.  I’m still holding onto the old generation where manners and self-sacrifice were considered more noble than building something of our own.  Not that those things don’t have their value or place, it’s just that is not where we operate from now.  Now there is emphasis on a deep sense of knowing who we are and breaking the system.  Granted, there has ALWAYS been an undercurrent of that in every generation—those are the trailblazers and often the ones deemed crazy (they really aren’t they are just often ahead of their time) but now the cracks in the system can no longer stay hidden. That starts with no longer hiding ourselves.

We treat identity as a shameful thing, like brown hair is something to hide.  Like, the fact that I like Harry Potter as a responsible adult woman is something to be ashamed of.  And between those two examples, I think we confuse the issue of identity all together.  Identity isn’t one solid thing—we will identify with many things over our lifetimes depending on our experiences.  We are not one thing.  Then we throw in the hierarchy of what is better and the moral dichotomy of right and wrong and we have missed the point of who we are entirely.  The spectrum exists for a reason.  But we so fiercely defend what we tell others we are from some primal survival instinct and the need to be right that we feel we can tell others who to be and what to do with their lives.  We lose sight of the entire range between. 

While we are given a “Who you are” starter pack upon birth, I say the moment you feel that doesn’t align with what you feel inside, start working on what makes you feel good.  Start working on what makes you come alive.  Learn to define yourself—hell, don’t define yourself, just go with what makes sense in the moment.  We spend so much time trying to convince others that what we do is the best that we lose the joy of just being.  We feel like the point is to be right when the point is to just be! Share what you have and that light will spark the fire in others.  We don’t need to be told what to do—we just need to remember who we are.   

“People don’t need to be saved or rescued; People need knowledge of their own power and how to access it,” via paradise awakening.  Oh my friends, another talk about the mind.  Our thoughts are so incredibly powerful.  I let myself be blown in the wind, changing moment to moment and allowing my feelings to respond accordingly.  Throw in the nasty habit of distraction and thoughts moved on hyperdrive so I could barely focus enough to grasp something to get a real gauge on what I was thinking versus what was happening around me.  It was so easy to think it was just the circumstances.   

I developed an unhealthy need to control because I didn’t like the way people made me feel.  I would see a behavior I didn’t agree with and immediately shut down or I would start correcting them and making a case that my opinion was the way to go.  I pushed people away because they did one thing to upset me.  I expected them to do the same to me.  It took me a long time to even realize that I reacted a certain way—my feelings came from me and I had a say in how I felt.  It happened recently with some new people I met.  Someone said something that alerted my asshole meter and I was ready to write them off immediately.  But I’ve been channeling a lot of messages and something said, “Hey, you react like this a lot…is it really everyone around you?”  And my logical brain went, “Huh.  I guess it’s not possible that every person is terrible.  I’m the common link here.” 

Like I tend to do, I started a look back to see what this was really about.  As a child and through young adulthood, I saw the pattern of jumping in and helping, sometimes when I wasn’t asked.  Other times I performed because it felt good to be needed.  People in my peer group as well as some adults recognized my ability to problem solve and they pounced on that.  I never learned to develop healthy boundaries or healthy relationships based on who I was—it was always based on what I could give.  So as I got older, I hardened myself to those around me.  It was protection against being taken advantage of.

This world has little to do with what others think of us.  More often than not we are lost in our own worlds and most people around us are as well.  So while I walked around thinking I had the right idea, fearful people were just using me, the reality is they were just doing what was right for them in the moment.  They rarely had long-term nefarious plans to use me, we were working toward mutual benefit.  More importantly, we needed each other. 

We are all looking to save ourselves and that is where we can really help each other.  We all have strengths and weaknesses and that doesn’t make us better or worse than anyone.  It makes us collaborators.  We can help remind each other of our individual greatness and how we can use our unique gifts to benefit each other.  We aren’t here to rescue, we are here to elevate—and that is something we can all do.    

“You cannot suffer the past or future because they do not exist.  What you are suffering is your memory and your imagination,” via paradise awakening.  The timing of this quote hit perfectly.  Last week held a lot of intense emotion for me as I worked through letting go of my past.  I spoke about it quite a bit which helped me process and navigate where I was coming from. I also had a ton of breakthroughs surrounding my relationship to the past and future—more to come on that.  I romanticized so many memories of times filled with joy and safety and little celebrations of memories of who I was and the people who appreciated me. 

My past felt intoxicating for a long time.  Not only in privilege but in the security of it all.  I know most children relish being a kid, but for me it wasn’t about the things I got—it was about how my time was spent.  There is a weightlessness in the lack of responsibility and a high that comes from unconditional love.  When you have those things together, it’s an oxytocin/serotonin/dopamine overload and I lived that way for a long time.  It was also complicated because that meant sacrificing a lot of what it meant to be a kid.  I grew up quickly in spite of idyllic moments and I think the trauma of what I witnessed made me cling even harder to what I had.  I witnessed addiction, abuse, anger, fights, misguided frustration, martyrdom, and self-sabotage to the point I didn’t know how to create a foundation for myself—I needed the ground that was given.

But as I weeded through 37 years of stuff and saw myself trying to re-create a long gone era, something came over me.  The question, “What am I doing?” blared like a fog horn through my mind.  I started to see that what started as a means to preserve memories had become a sickness, a desperation for something that could not be recreated.  I’ve been living in two worlds.  I looked throughout my new home and saw all of the ancient relics of who I was and I felt choked because there was no more room for the person I am, the person I’m becoming.  It hurt and it overwhelmed me, but I’m glad it happened.  Because the person who I can be is so vastly different and is so much more capable and is absolutely building a stable foundation. 

Now, as it comes to the future, I agree that it is imagination.  HOWEVER.  I am a firm believer that without personal insight and a deep dive into who we are, we will never see where we want to go. The past builds our tool kit but our imagination puts it to work.  Without at least some drive for a tomorrow we lose the meaning in today to a degree.  I mean, I’m guilty of pushing through things and missing the moment because I’m so oriented in what I’m making, but without pushing forward, I would be that girl still searching for days gone by, holding onto her 37 year old blankies.  I mean, to be fair, I had them as recently as this weekend, but it’s an important distinction 😊.  The point is, we have a purpose that requires us to be forward thinking.  That is how we evolve. 

I guess the bottom line is life is a balancing act.  Maybe it’s not about living in the past or the future, but learning to use those lessons to define our actions in the present.  The more experiences we have, the more we learn to let go and how to take in what we need to support ourselves.  Then we can support each other.  I have no judgement toward people who are stuck because I lived in fear for a long time.  I gently encourage you to slowly look at where you are and get really honest about how you got there.  Then get really honest about where your thoughts are coming from.  Once you discern the truth, the present clears up and that paves the way for the future.  The key is to not get caught up in it.