So much of our daily life revolves around the image we project to the world.  And I understand that.  We are all trying to survive and we are doing it in ways that we were taught.  We are looking for safety and we have all been trained from birth that the only way to be safe is to be what is expected.  We have also been trained that the only way to find safety is with people and in order to be with people we feel like we need to be like them.  That last part is also biology so, I mean, we can’t totally blame training.  Regardless, we go through life feeling like we have to be a certain way in order to be accepted but our inner knowing tells us that there is something more.  We spend a majority of our time feeling off, doing something to either numb ourselves to fit in or simply ignoring the warning signs to be accepted all while we know something doesn’t feel right.  We hide facets of who we are.

I had a conversation the other day about conspiracy theories.  I don’t subscribe to all conspiracy theories, but there are a few that have always piqued my interest and it just so happened that this conversation was about one of those things.  This was an unusual moment because it was with one of the last people in the world I would have thought believed this way on the matter but I felt myself lighting up.  Any stigma I had in my mind either about sharing my beliefs on the matter or about this person’s ability to believe those things as well went away.  The words flowed and I exposed a side of myself that I don’t normally share.  We all compartmentalize our behavior, but I will tell you that unleashing the whole me was the most invigorating feeling I’ve had in a while. 

So, the topic of the conversation honestly isn’t important, but what I got from it was.  The moment I shared this side of myself in an arena I normally NEVER would, I felt real.  I’m normally very careful about what I project to that side of my world but I felt bold enough to let my guard down and it hit me: I need more.  I need more output of who I am.  I need more joy.  I need more movement.  I need more of THAT energy, the energy that aligns with me, not the idea of me.  It felt like finding a well after wandering through a desert for years.  Suddenly I was genuinely animated and not putting on a show.  And holy crap, aside from when I’m writing, I don’t feel that in person very often.  I can forgive myself because that is something we all do.  But that feeling of being seen for who I am was like a drug. 

I felt more alive in those moments than I have in 20 years in my career.  I felt more alive than I have at the completion of any project I’ve done and it was all because I shared a component of myself.  If all it takes to feel alive is acknowledging who we are and letting that person flow, then count me in.  Now, I will not discredit the absolute joy I’ve gotten from sharing my story here—in fact, the feeling is very similar—but there is something different when it’s in person, when you’re feeling your energy flow face to face with someone.  It’s an exchange you don’t always get behind a computer screen.  So I highly recommend it.  Even if it isn’t someone you think would accept you that way, they may be putting on a show as well—because we ALL do it. 

As fate would have it, I drew a card after that and it was “Behind the Mask.”  Naturally I believe in signs from the universe and that to me was absolute validation for what I was feeling.  The card talks about being more authentic at all times in order to let your light shine through.  But the interesting part of the interpretation was the part about letting go of the false condemnation and hatred of self. That’s when the other light went off.  The only reason I’ve never tapped into that type of in person energy before is because of the hiding and I have been hiding (we all do) because we are trained that showing our real selves isn’t safe.  I’ve been the recipient of that before, ridiculed and mocked for being who I am.  But I never considered that I internalized it to the degree of condemning and hating myself. 

We don’t like to admit who we are because deep down we feel like we aren’t worthy of being accepted as we are.  We feel like we are worthy when someone tells us we are worthy.  The secret is, we ALL feel that way.  Some of us are lucky enough to have a moment like I’ve described where the feeling of letting ourselves be seen is validated.  The truth is it took 37 years for me to have that moment.  The other truth is it took that long because I’ve held back that side of me for over 20 years.  So the most important lesson aside from needing more of that output, more of that connection, and more of that self-acceptance is to do it sooner.  Do it now.  Don’t hesitate.  There will always be the risk that you make a “fool” of yourself, but you may be surprised.  Your ability to share may awaken that in someone else too.  THAT is what we are here to do: wake up!  

At work the other day we had the official welcome announcement about the merger with another hospital in our area.  I listened to hear what they had to say about this newest venture, roughly a year after we joined the same group, and I felt a serious sense of déjà vu.  As the new CEO discussed this latest acquisition with the CEO, the exact same story played out.  I mean, the same goals, the same plan, the same everything came out.  It felt completely practiced—and honestly, maybe that’s a good thing in situations like this because it’s consistent.  The goal is clear and it would be the same blah blah blah.  But what got to me is the messaging is about serving the community even though we cover a huge area and the words were exactly the same.  It felt fake.

How much of what we take in on a day to day basis is real?  Honestly, do we even know how to be real anymore?  I’m not so sure.  Every message is curated and refined and practiced and serves a purpose.  I don’t know if we can handle reality.  I was raised by entrepreneurs from a generation where someone’s word meant something.  Where people believed and when they spoke they stood behind their message.  Here I was listening to a beautiful message—but it was the same one.  How is it possible to take such vastly different organizations and treat them exactly the same?  We’re starting from different points so our actions HAVE to be different.  The same can be said for what we sell to each other.  We don’t want to tell the truth because we are afraid people won’t accept us as we are. 

When it comes to our day to day, finding what is real has to come from inside.  Learning to connect with people has to be genuine.  I’m guilty of not knowing how people will receive me and trying to put on a façade I think will gain acceptance.  We all want to be accepted.  But I see how the world we created isn’t real.  It’s an image.  If we want it to be real, we need to get to the roots again and learn to celebrate what blooms.  I feel like the world IS starting to wake up and we no longer want to see the pretty picture.  We want the truth.  There is something stirring in all of us that knows deep down we need the truth in order to move forward.  We are so trained to look at the negative aspects of our lives because we are sold ways to make it perfect.  What if we started looking at ways to perfect how we feel in our skin?  What if we are sold ways to see what IS as pefect?

This world as it stands to day is going through massive upheaval and so many people think it’s because of their actions.  That is true—what is happening to day is a direct result of our actions and the actions of generations millenia before us.  But the upheaval is about more than cause and effect.  It’s about awakening and realizing the way we live today isn’t sustainable, it doesn’t work.  There was a time it felt like something good was happening but as we dig through, our global history is bloody, and about dominance and power, and ego.  Our souls know that we are capable of more than that.  So when we start seeing or hearing messaging that sends out a trigger or doesn’t feel quite right, it’s real.  We were just taught to ignore it and accept what we are told.  I’m here to ask you to start listening to that trigger again. 

I know how terrifying it is to be vulnerable.  I know the shame it brings about and the stigma’s that arise but I will tell you that there is a tipping point where none of that matters.  You realize the outside doesn’t get to see nearly as much of you as you do and it is far more important to open up to what is inside of you and to be the person you are meant to be.  Liking yourself becomes more important than someone else liking you.  It’s more important than acquiring another thing, or appearing a certain way.  We can only break through the veil if we lift our own first.  It’s uncomfortable because we are navigating some new territory, but it is worth it.  Spread that message because the world needs it.      

Continuing on the path of healing, I want to share a little epiphany I had.  A key trait of martyrdom is self-sacrifice and the “nobility” in putting your needs last.  I remember always hearing about the struggles and the things my mother gave up throughout her life, some a necessary part of life, some a trauma response, but some completely unnecessary and merely out of habit.  After having that level of sacrifice engrained for so long, it became a habit for me to feel immense guiltitude (guilt and gratitude) over everything my mother did for me whether it was making my lunch as a kid or support in any form.  I felt everything I needed from her was taking away from her somehow.  So I over compensated on the gratitude and went even further to make sure I did as much as I could on my own. 

I’ve realized how twisted much of that behavior was.  I felt guilty for asking for things I needed but my mother would get me things I never asked for.  Believe me, I genuinely appreciated all of it, and I didn’t lack for much.  But what I did get wasn’t always exactly what I needed.  So much of my life was spent getting what she THOUGHT I needed.  I mean, I remember there was a time we made some bad financial choices and we were down on our luck.  We needed a place to stay and my parents opened their doors to us.  And we appreciated it so much and tried to give back as much as we could through paying some rent and buying food and cleaning—normal stuff.  But my mom took it upon herself to start cooking meals for us every night regardless of the hours we worked and then got mad if we didn’t eat what she prepared. 

That type of behavior is a specific kind of martyrdom and gaslighting.  It’s not like we didn’t need help—we just needed a different kind of help.  What happens when you need a pain reliever and someone gives you an antacid? Not a bit of relief.  The same can be said for any scenario like this.  It isn’t like you don’t need help and yes, you need to be grateful for the help you get, but if it isn’t helping fix the need, then what good is it?  It’s wasted energy.  That isn’t to discredit what people can do but that is something to be said about people who want to act in a way that doesn’t fully support the need and demand appreciation for either exacerbating the problem or not fixing it.  This isn’t about ego and proving what you did, it’s about putting that aside and recognizing what someone needs.

When you are trained to accept what someone believes you need, it’s easy to lose sight of what your instincts are telling you.  It’s easy to accept what someone tells you is enough.  It’s easy to believe that there are limits on what you’re capable of.  Do not let someone try running in your shoes because they will never understand what you need and you can never make them understand something they haven’t experienced.  Even if they have experienced what you have, they haven’t experienced it in your way.  Their definition of what will work for you is theirs.  Reclaim what you need and reclaim those instincts.  Do not let anyone believe that asking for what you need makes you selfish and do not let them make you think that they know what you need.      

Healing work is ironically one of the most painful things we do.  I used to think it was this beautiful experience of releasing and allowing.  The reality is it is more about standing up and facing everything, looking that pain in the eye and learning to either accept and release it or learning how to tell it its power over you is over.  It is cutting away at the self-imposed strings we’ve created between ourselves and that shadow and admitting we were the ones tying the cords.  And it is doing that over and over again until you believe it, until you feel it in your bones.  That is the painful part.  Just when you think you’ve mastered it, something comes back again.  That is the path and we are shown the same things until we truly learn.

One of the traumas I’ve been healing is a generational thing, specifically with my mother, where we live in martyrdom.  We have this unhealthy expectation where sacrificing all of our wants precludes us or indebts us to others having to fulfill our wants.  Then we live in misery for not having the life we want and lash out whenever things are inconvenient.  A small example is I used to FLIP out with driving—I still do get mad because people struggle with the basics, but I digress—to the point where it felt like a personal attack every time someone cut me off.  It took me years to understand it was about control and I was focusing my energy outside rather than on what was really bothering me.

Back to the mother stuff.  I learned early on that what I really needed didn’t matter.  I was taught you give all of yourself and if you don’t, you’re selfish.  I was taught the people who got what they needed were either lucky or selfish.  My mother was raised this way and she was reminded over and over again of her mistakes from her mother—specifically how my mother’s mistakes made her mother look bad.  I will give it to my mom, she didn’t pass on that part of her trauma, but she did pass on the confusion about relationships and who serves what purpose.  Put another way, she taught me to ignore what I needed in favor of what other people needed and to expect them to fulfill my needs.  And it makes sense, she never learned to take care of herself because of her mother.  She thought if you were “good” enough you would get what you wanted.  My grandmother went to her grave angry that she didn’t get what she wanted in life and that she sacrificed what she wanted in hopes she would be worthy.  I can no longer repeat that pattern.

I had to learn about inherent worth on my own and that changed everything.  That made me aware of who I am and how to fulfill my own needs and desires.  That cleared the path for me to fulfill my purpose because part of our need is to express who we are.  When we express who we are we create space for the world to do the same. The more I got into the habit of self-expression I understood self-care because that is how I figured out what I actually needed—unconditional love and the chance to be who I am.  I didn’t want to have to appear a certain way anymore.  I didn’t want to have to hope someone would take care of me.  I didn’t want to be a Cinderella hoping my prince would save me.  I wanted to live my life and I wanted to LOVE my life.

For a long time I felt so angry at having to hide who I was, at having to be the quiet kid, the one who never caused any trouble.  I was angry at being told my joy and excitement meant I was out of control and too loud or that it made me a bimbo.  I feel things intensely, both the good and the bad, so when I feel joy, I express it LOUD and with exuberance.  Life is meant to be felt and in feeling it wholly we allow it to move through us.  It took a long time to not give a damn if I was “too much” for some people.  I got angry with my mother for making me curb my childhood in order to appear a certain way.  It took a long time to understand she didn’t know any better when she passed on these patterns.  Part of my healing was learning to not go in guns blazing with her—she didn’t even know what she was doing.  I realized the best healing I could do was to continue to express myself.

So, as I work through this, my mother healing physically, and me healing the generational stuff inside of me, I know I will have moments that will bring me back to that anger and that feeling of unworthiness.  I’ve made a promise to myself to make sure my needs are met by myself and to remember that I am capable.  I made a promise to myself to not give a damn about what things look like.  This is life—who the hell says it has to look any way at all?  Life isn’t for looking it is for living.  And the more I heal the past of shame with self-expression, the more open I feel to experiencing what life has to offer.  That is my wish for all of us—not that we all have generational mother trauma.  I wish us all healing and self-acceptance and that loud, beautiful, joyous life we can’t wait to take a bite out of.  If that means saying, “I will not repeat this again” in the face of fear until I die, so be it.  I will fight for my needs and I hope you will too.

“What would your life look like if you stopped trying to fix yourself and you started creating yourself instead?” Tonya Leigh.  This past week saw a turbulent time in the family.  Balancing caring for aging parents, a five year old, a full time job, two side gigs, and what I can of my sanity took it’s toll.  I had a challenging conversation with  my sister about my child care situation as well as some personal things in my marriage—finances and decisions my husband and I have made together.  Basically all of my personal fears came up and it really triggered a nerve.  Not that I felt attacked or anything like that, but more that the fears I had about being judged and perceived a certain way were confirmed—and it hurt coming from family.  Emotions from not so long ago surfaced as I’ve been focused on letting go of other people’s opinions of me and this made me face their opinions head on.  A nice little test from the universe.

I found myself emotional and spiralling as I thought over and over again about what my sister said, knowing there were facets that were true, but also knowing that I’ve done everything I could to work on those things.  There are reasons why I’ve taken the approaches I have to my life—I’m working the path that I have for me.  Not that I don’t feel guilt as these things are new and I’m breaking generational stuff, but I know I can’t fall into the pattern of hating myself again.  I knew I was trying to make her see my life my way, trying to make her understand why I did what I’ve done.  And I felt helpless because at the end of the day, she is still going to think what she wants.  I felt helpless because I couldn’t fix myself or make myself appear acceptable to her.      

The truth is I am human.  I have many flaws and faults but I know with absolute certainty that fixating on those faults got me nowhere.  It hurt and it kept me stuck.  Spending all of that time and energy hating myself didn’t do a damn thing for me either.  I wasted enough years thinking I needed fixing, finding every flaw, remembering the things I screwed up even if I moved past them, trying to be what others wanted me to be.  I didn’t feel any sense of certainty in my life until I stopped prioritizing other people’s anything over my needs.  And this conversation brought all of those habits right to the surface again. 

It took a good 24 hours of sitting with that and feeling like crap, I started to look at it differently.  I’ve built a life for me—not for my sister or anyone else.  They don’t need to understand it and it isn’t my job to make them understand.  It’s my job to live my life and fulfill my purpose, and I can attest to what it feels like creating something rather than living up to other people’s expectations.  The truth is it doesn’t matter if other people can see what you’re building—it’s up to you to see the vision and execute.  So to answer the question at the opening of this piece, what would life look like if we stopped fixing and starting creating?  What if we lived with acceptance of who we are?  It would look like whatever the hell we needed it to.  It would look like what it is meant to by our own definition.  It would look like we’ve lived, failed, tried, and lived again.  Simply put: it would look like happiness.

“Who I am right now will be the before of who I am tomorrow,” Sarah Landry.  This one stopped me in my tracks as the rest of the post went on to talk about living in the before/after (like posting before and after pics).  As I’m embarking on the new year with all of you, I feel a ton of excitement and energy around what I’m planning to accomplish this year.  It isn’t in an aggressive way or in a way that negates where I’m currently at, it is a genuine excitement to do the work.  I have never felt so supported and aligned with understanding someone’s post before and I felt genuinely seen.  For years I’ve waited for the right moment to do anything and I have missed countless opportunities and events that may have taught me lessons much earlier than they did now.  I waited until I was good enough to experience anything or to even attempt anything.  I really thought I needed to be a certain type of “good” in order to get the experiences I was looking for.  Reading Sarah’s words kept it fresh in my mind: We are good enough NOW.

I convinced myself that I had to wait until the right time or until I was “ready” or “capable” or “able to do it” before trying anything.  I wouldn’t try anything in public because I didn’t want to make a fool of myself.  I wouldn’t even speak up in meetings for a long time because I didn’t want to make waves with my team.  I never saw the value or the worth that I brought to the table.  Even if I had an idea that I knew would work, I kept quiet, assuming others would have a better idea.  I put on the bulky clothes to cover myself so others wouldn’t see my body as it is.  I didn’t share my writing for the longest time because I didn’t think it was good enough.

I realized living that way didn’t feel good.  All of the thoughts I had rolling in my head kept rolling with nowhere to go and they got louder and louder and I started to feel like crap keeping them inside.  I also realized I was forgetting things as I tried to force down the natural progression of my thoughts in favor of what I “should” be doing.  It got so tiring repeating the same day over and over again, constantly feeling frustrated and unexpressed.  And then I realized it was me—I was holding myself back.  Waiting for the “right” time or whatever milestone deemed me worthy kept me fixated on the shortfall of not being where I wanted to be in that moment.  And Sarah says it best for that as well: “The idea of waiting until [whatever is right] is only leading to an unfulfilling of my now days.”

If we are constantly living in the before/after world, we are saying that the now means nothing.  We know the reality is the “now” is all we have yet we live in a constant push for the appearance of more.  We are so trained to ignore what is in order to make sure we are good enough for some imagined requirement in our head.  But the truth is, we are not living in a before.  We are living now and what happens after now is very real.  We can change now at any time with our thoughts.  Sarah goes on to say that seeing ourselves as a before makes us stuck where we are because we aren’t seeing all we are today.  So let me clarify: it isn’t that we shouldn’t strive for more, it’s that we need to understand we are worthy enough as we are to achieve whatever we want to.    

I’m so grateful for this now.  I still don’t do it perfectly, where I’m constantly in flow and simply accepting what is.  That isn’t the point either.  The point is I accept that imperfection as a means to do better and a way to learn more about what I’m capable of.  I am grateful for all my life and for all that is to come because of how I am choosing to live this now. I am so grateful to be able to choose this now and to embrace it for all it is.  That is the only way to fully accept where I’m at, where any of us are at.  So don’t live your live as the before, constantly striving to get to the after.  That after will only be another before to something else.  Live NOW.

Today I am grateful for a new practice. I’ve spent the past week waking up every morning and writing down my gratitude.  I ended 2021 in a highly emotional and chaotic state, trying to reconcile all of the things I want to accomplish and I knew I didn’t want to keep moving forward like that.  So I carved out time every day to talk about what I am grateful for in my life.  My days have shifted.  Yes, there are still headaches, but seeing the big picture and knowing that there is so much good out there makes it easier to move through the day.

Today I am grateful for healing.  This one touches on so many levels, some of them are still really raw.  Our lives are so fragile as strong as we try to be.  Maybe that’s why we want to appear strong—we know that anything can be taken away so we strive to appear in control.  Or maybe that’s me, I don’t know.  But when we look at all of our time here, the pain we feel tends to dominate and it tends to permeate lifetimes as we pass on our traits to our kids.  Focused work and intention makes it so much clearer and easier to deal with that pain.  I feel the weight of the work and I carry it gratefully. 

Today I am grateful for the reminders that come right on time.  My husband and I started our relationship in a fairly unusual way (well, maybe the situation was normal but the initial notion we had wasn’t) and we are still going.  At the beginning, we found some common ground that neither of us expected in a film franchise that is still going 20 years later.  The universe constantly sends reminders to me that we are meant to work together as whenever we have difficult times, this film seems to come on somewhere, somehow.  It’s a loving reminder that we still need to find common ground sometimes and that the things you least expect to work are perfect exactly as they are.

Today I am grateful for my parents.  Our relationship is changing as they are getting older and I am so grateful for the reminders of how important they are to me.  How lucky I’ve been to have the life I’ve had.  Yes, in spite of the trauma talk and the stories I’ve been sharing about the time with my mother, I am so grateful.  Our time here is so short and we truly do the best we can with what we have.  I don’t claim it is easy to look beyond what happened or that I’m not still triggered when we speak.  But I am so lucky to know that I still have them and that I can adjust my perspective any time. 

Today I am grateful to learn to rely on my wings again.  This situation with my parents has reminded me that nothing lasts forever.  More importantly, it has reminded me that we are meant to develop our own security and carve out our own path in life.  I’m taking steps I’ve never taken because I didn’t believe in myself before now.  But there comes a point when you simply have to leap and start flapping to learn to fly.  The same comes with life.  There comes a point when you have to start doing in order to get things done and to learn what needs to be done. 

Today I am grateful to slow down.  One of my vices is going too fast.  I’m always in hyper drive trying to get as much done as possible so I’m not always taking everything in and I’m too often relying on my own strength to fit everything in.  I’m learning that sometimes the way to get things done isn’t to push or to go faster—it’s to slow down.  When we go faster not only do we miss some of the picture, we open up more time for more things to be done.  We can live life on a never ending check list because there is literally ALWAYS something that needs doing.  But we have to learn to ask ourselves if we are the ones responsible for taking it all on.  Are we the ones who need to be doing it?  So I’m making it a practice to get organized and do what I AM responsible for.  It makes all the difference.

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead

One area I want to focus on is mindset.  I wrote about what makes me happy and followed up with some challenges I face and that I know a lot of people face when trying to stay positive.  But one thing that helps is simply choosing the next best thought you can.  It doesn’t have to be something completely the other way from where you may be, it can simply be something better than what you’re thinking now.  For example, if you’re thinking about how crappy the weather is, you might think about how you’re lucky to see the changing of the seasons.  If you can’t do that, then maybe you think about how grateful you are to be breathing.  The point is, we need to rewire the brain.

It takes a lot of work and awareness to rewire the thoughts we’ve tumbled in our brains for years, so the key is to simply be intentional.  We won’t always be successful at finding something to be happy about or something that makes us feel better in the moment, so it’s important to know that 1. It takes time to get used to the practice 2. It takes more time to believe it and 3. We have to be aware of what we are feeling all the time.  So maybe start there.  Start with noticing what you predominantly feel most of the time and ask yourself if that is what you want to feel.  Then start asking yourself how you want to feel.  From there we can start closing the gap.

I have dealt with a negative mindset my whole life and I honestly didn’t notice it at first.  I thought I was just being practical and logical and even realistic.  I knew I hated the way I felt and I used to blame that on everything that was happening.  I woke up one day and I started looking at the things around me and I realized that I had been an active participant in every accumulation, in every decision that brought me where I was. I realized it wasn’t ALL bad, but the predominant thought was to seek out the bad.  I knew I didn’t want to go on like that anymore.  From there I knew that it was a matter of choice.  That isn’t to say terrible circumstances don’t happen, but learning new ways to approach those problems is key.  Actually, learning to recognize there are no problems is really key, but that’s a conversation for a  different day.

The world changes when you start looking at it differently.  That isn’t to say that the good comes overnight or that you’re going to wake up and you view your problems differently.  Brain work takes time and patience and consistency.  What I’m also saying is that the work is worth it.  Taking yourself out of the negative mindset and really enjoying life makes all the difference in the world.  When you are able to see something different than what you’ve been trained to observe, your mindset changes and you can expand it and grow even more when you become comfortable with the practice.  It’s amazing how much better you feel as well.  It’s easier to encourage yourself to go for what you need when you feel better and the more you go after the life you’ve wanted and the more you see results, the better you feel there as well. 

I know that mindset shift doesn’t happen overnight—I’ve been working on it for two years.  I’m still working on it.  I went from feeling hopeless to understanding I could feel better to looking for ways to feel better to starting to try things I’ve never done before and that is when I started really focusing on how I looked at the world.  That view is what really changed it all for me.  Understanding that even though there were still certain facets of my life I wanted to change, that didn’t mean it was all crap.  There were things in my life I loved even at my lowest and I grasped at that and I built a foundation on that feeling.  Understanding I’m lucky enough to be in a position to change my life is what keeps me moving forward.

Freedom isn’t about making the perfect life or having everything that you want.  Waking up and harnessing your mindset is real freedom.  It isn’t about accumulation or power or any of that.  It’s about how you feel living your life.  If you can honestly say you love your life and you love yourself, then you are free because nothing that happens externally matters at that point.  Knowing you can shift your position at any time and that you can take action on it is real freedom.  That is why mindset is so important.  Don’t cage yourself by holding the door of possibility closed.  Keep moving and working on that relationship with yourself first.  It makes all the difference in the world.     

I spoke about finding happiness yesterday and I wanted to touch on something that many of us struggle with during the changing of the season.  As I look outside and see the snow, part of me feels the weight of the changing seasons, time passing, and what it means when we can’t get it back.  It feels heavy regardless of the fact it happens every year and I can do nothing about it.  It makes me want to go somewhere else entirely.  But my gut is telling me I would feel this way no matter where I go. 

Sometimes we want to run away thinking what we want is somewhere else.  But the truth is, until you can sit and identify what you’re looking for, what your real desires are and what your real purpose is, you will feel lost no matter where you are.  Until you know who you ARE, you will feel lost no matter where you are.  So it is even more important to do the work and find where you want to be mentally, rather, how you want to feel mentally, and do the things that bring you closer to how you want to feel.  Fixating on where you want to be or what you should be doing won’t help because you’re not addressing the issue.  That is all internal, not external.

It’s tempting to idealize a vision we have in our head about what makes us feel better.  I know I do that all the time.  In some ways it does help because it gives us an idea of what we do want which can really motivate us to make some changes or do something else.  But when we get stuck in the where we are NOT, it’s impossible to appreciate the moment we ARE.  Visualize all you want, imagine all you want, but know where you are.  Know who you are and you will never need to escape what you’re doing. 

I don’t want to discount chemical things with the season either.  For those of us with SAD, I know how hard it is, especially because there is a chemical component to it.  That isn’t simply a matter of wanting to escape—even though it feels like it sometimes.  I urge you to do whatever you can self-care wise to make yourself feel better.  I urge all of you whether it is because of SAD or because you feel lost to sit and find those things that make you happy so you are able to see the changing of the season for what it is: a nature evolution in life.  A natural progression that gets us closer to where we need to be.  For those times when you feel like you want to jump out of your skin, I urge you to be patient and know that it will pass.  There is so much good in this world, stick with it until you see it every day.  Look for it every day until you know it with everything in you.

In getting comfortable with taking these actions, I wanted to share some of the things that light me up.  If I’m totally honest, I used to think this was a selfish question.  Thinking about what worked for me alone never seemed really productive.  The truth is, shoving down those desires didn’t do a bit of good anyway either.  I realized there needed to be a middle ground.  We can’t both ignore our needs/wants and get everything we want either.  Knowing this middle ground required a different type of relationship with the self.  It required understanding that our needs don’t make us selfish.  And if we are really honest, living is a selfish act.  We need to survive and, as much as I push learning to accept and help each other, not everyone experiences the opportunity for that kind of support.  So where do we go from there?

Knowing our patterns allows us to course correct as we go.  If we observe that course with honesty and patience, we will be able to adjust to get where we want to go.  The act of “getting” isn’t necessarily about getting what we want, it’s about getting what is needed for the highest good.  It’s about getting the tools we need to fulfill our purpose and share that with others.  I drew cards today and one of them said, “Happiness is my birthright.”  I started thinking about how I used to believe that was selfish.  And then I realized I was angry because I really wanted to be happy but those around me weren’t making me happy.  They weren’t putting in the effort I was to make THEM happy so I felt hurt and used.  And it hit me, not only can we not pour from an empty cup, we can’t move forward if we aren’t happy.

I took some time to look at what actually made me happy instead of what I thought should make me happy.  I really had to dig deep and start thinking about how things made me feel rather than what they looked like.  I started working out daily because I love the way my body feels with movement.  I’m trying to incorporate soulful connection because I know the answers aren’t something I can think into existence.  I have to tap into my knowing and that type of knowing goes back to our guts.  I love reading and telling stories and communicating with people.  I love cooking and nourishing my body.  I love being able to slow down and enjoy things.  Like, I really enjoyed soaking in the tub the other night.  I love clarifying my purpose and fulfilling that purpose.        

What makes me happy is working on the future and watching it come to life.  What makes me happy is hanging out with my kid and seeing the little things that make him happy.  I love seeing him learn and I love seeing him grown into his own little person.  I love helping people clarify what works for them and l love building them up enough to see them take the leap in their own lives.  I love seeing the world wake up and the changes we are trying to make for the better.  As scary as it is witnessing certain things collapse, I love that too because I know we are all trying to create a better future for everyone.

There is so much that makes me happy sometimes it feels overwhelming.  But it is a privilege to be able to sit in the happiness and it is even more of a privilege to be able to share that happiness.  There is the old adage that we don’t need as much as we think we do, and that is true.  We build up this world where we are constantly striving for things.  We miss out on the fact that we are simply able to exist.  Yes, there are big things in this world and big questions to answer and it would be fascinating to answer those—but the point is to have enough experiences that we learn the answer.  We gain that by going after what we enjoy.  What a gift!  What makes you happy?