I want to talk about another view of flow.  I’m a planner—granted I don’t always follow through on the plan, but I like to know what’s coming.  Yes, I even might get swayed at the last minute and let my plan fall apart.  There are some days I’m too much like the birch and others I’m too much like the oak.  In both, I’m not fully myself.  We have to allow for the middle, the flexibility and the stick-to-it-ness of our dream. The clarity of where and what but allowing the how.  When we try to force things that aren’t in their time we go against the flow of the seasons, the natural course of what is meant to happen.  There is a time for production and a time to learn, a time to understand and a time to apply.  If we make our own idea of what’s meant to be be the only way, then we suggest that we know better than the universe.  That’s a lot of pressure—and more often than not it doesn’t work.

We understand in nature that there is a time for everything.  A time for the ground to be worked, a time to plant, a time to let life grow, a time to reap the harvest, and a time to let it rest.  And it goes like this, endlessly.  We like to forget we are part of that cycle.  My friends, we are part of the natural Earth as much as any other living thing—these cycles apply to us as well.  We have so many cycles within us and none of our daily operations support that.  If we spent more time “in season,” we’d have a lot more sense.  George Santayana says, “To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.”  How we move forward is by allowing what is to be.  We don’t take our eyes off the goal but we don’t lose site of where we are.

This isn’t to say we have no control of the direction or the season we are in.  It’s all about how and when we plant the seeds.  We can’t compare our tilled dirt to someone’s tree they planted years ago.  Also, if I plant strawberries, I can’t be mad that someone else planted corn, or that they planted 30 plants and I planted 5.  One thing I’m struggling with is accepting that there were some seeds I didn’t mean to plant and now that’s what’s coming up in my life.  I can’t change it, but I can be more aware of what I’m planting next and I can also change how I manage what has grown moving forward.  I love the other example that we get to pick the car and the route, but we don’t force it to go straight when the road curves.  Again, if we understand that, then we need to understand it applies to our lives as well—there are just some things we have to go with and understanding that flow is about going with it, but it’s also about the work you’ve done to get to that point.  You will only see the results of what you’ve put in. 

Really this life is about awareness and acceptance.  Being conscious of your actions and choices, and above all, being clear on your intention and direction.  You may not have as much say in how you get there as you’d like, but if you trust enough, you will understand the detours and the lessons and you will appreciate the wins and the guidance along the path—you’ll even learn to appreciate those detours.  I’m the first to admit my frustration when things don’t go my way.  There is a part of me that feels like a failure if I can’t make it happen.  It gets tiring the more things don’t come to pass, especially those you truly wanted.  But sometimes it’s a matter of understanding what your path means, sometimes it’s a matter of getting on a new path, and sometimes it’s a matter of waiting for the right moment to move forward.  You can’t stop the waves but you can learn to surf.  Find what brings you joy, and do that.

My husband and I took our son to get his hair cut the other day.  We use the same stylist consistently because our son really likes her and she does a great job—we’ve formed a relationship with her over the years as well.  We weren’t able to get in with her a few weekends ago when we had time so we moved forward to her next available time.  So we take our little one in and we are just getting started with the hair cut when someone bumped me.  I looked down and it was a little kid just trying to pass by, no big deal, they run around the place like crazy all the time.  After a while as we are full on in conversation with the stylist and she is cutting our kid’s hair, I feel another bump but this time higher on my arm.  I automatically move out of the way thinking it’s another kid, but I swung around to make sure I wasn’t blocking someone.  It was our ex-sister in law tapping me on the shoulder.

I honestly didn’t even recognize her at first—it’s been close to 10 years since we’ve seen each other.  Throughout the years we’ve only heard rumors about what she was doing and what she was going through, but we’ve lost contact over time.  As soon as the lightbulb went off, a huge wave of emotion went through me.  I couldn’t even explain it.  I hugged her immediately and almost started crying.  She looked so good, like she was in such a different place than before.  Then sadness.  We had a complicated relationship over time from not really liking each other at first, to getting along, to falling out, to my husband and I getting married without the family, to getting the family back together, to her wedding, then to the implosion of the relationships all together.  We talked for a bit and exchanged numbers and it actually felt really good.

As my husband and I left with our son, a thought shot through my mind: this life is coming FULL CIRCLE.  I don’t understand what that entails yet, but there has to be something in the works and it feels big.  They say that we repeat lessons until we learn them, but this is different.  I’m working for the same place I was when we first met after leaving and coming back although I’m in a vastly different role.  I’m even working on the same location I did when I first started there.  I’m driving my parent’s car although it is a different arrangement than before (I’m not a high school student borrowing the car).  There are experiences I wanted before that I’m now saying yes to that I previously declined.

The universe has reasons for everything.  When we left, my husband told me he had seen her come in but he wasn’t sure it was her.  My back was to the door the entire time so I didn’t see her enter, and then in true form, once I started talking with the stylist, everything else fell away.  So she felt comfortable enough to know it was me and to approach.  That says something.  We could have pretended to not see each other, speculating about it later, but I know there is more to this.  Perhaps there is more to tell, more to learn about what happened all those years ago.  Or maybe it’s just a chance to offer some support and gain closure.  But the universe brought us together for a reason.     

I’m not sure what all of this means but I know it means something.  There is no way that this is not the work of the universe.  There are days that I struggle to find a reason for everything.  Days that I struggle reconciling what I want to do with what I have to do.  With getting angry at myself for the situations I’ve put myself in and not being where I want to be.  And days I struggle with feeling like I’ve lost so much time from not starting in the first place that I will never get where I want to go.  I’ve asked to start over in a bunch of ways—and maybe these circumstances that keep bringing me back are a sign that, on some levels, I am able to start again.  I have another chance to say the things I wanted to.  I have a chance to do what I need to do.  Maybe this is all aligning so I become who I am meant to be.  It also gives me some comfort that if it’s happening again, perhaps it was meant to be in the first place—and now I can choose another option. The mundane only seems mundane until you see it fall into place.  Pay attention and figure out what it means.

We’ve talked about being in the meditative sense.  Being present, being aware of our breath, being aware of our existence.  I recently learned about a different kind of being.  There is a Dutch tradition called Niksen.  We’ve spoken before about the Italian tradition of Le Dolce Far Niente—the sweetness of doing nothing—and this expands on it.  Niksen means doing nothing or to be idle doing something without any use.  Everything needs a break and needs to reset sometimes including our mind.  The beauty in just being without focusing the mind is that the lack of external stimulation allows more creativity.  Clearly there is value in this concept culturally across the globe.  It’s just not something we fully embrace here. 

When we allow ourselves to simply be, to stare out a window, to allow the mind to unwind we experience something new.  This is unlike meditation where there is a focus on an anchor like the breath or the way the body feels in the moment.  This is about completely letting go and letting the mind be.  I already know there is hesitance amongst my mult-track minders and my ADHD-ers (myself included) because the mind never really stops.  We cling to the things that go through our brains or, at the very least, follow them like the little white rabbit.  When we detach from that clinging, something different happens—that is when we become the observer of thought.  Having something in the background like music or even just staring at your surroundings, as long as it’s without PURPOSE is the goal with niksen.  We don’t need to be productive constantly.

While we are trained to be on the go constantly, to be productive, there are times we have to attempt to slow it down and allow.  We have to create space for us to be.  We also have to redefine what rest looks like.  The weekend warriors don’t count, sorry.  Yes, there are always things to be done, but mental health is so key, so vital, that this includes stopping and letting those tasks we save for the weekend go.  No, I’m not advocating doing that regularly, but I’m advocating for recognizing when you need a break and to find solace in quiet, in just being. The mind isn’t designed to focus 24/7—it needs to recalibrate and recenter. 

Being is what makes us human.  Aside from the cultural references I’ve shared, nature allows for being as well.  You don’t see squirrels contemplating their existence.  You don’t see dogs upset over their looks.  Whales swim the ocean without worrying about space.  Birds fly because they were built to.  Flowers bloom when they are ready.  Humans are part of nature, and while our minds and ability to dig deeper into our awareness is a gift, it has allowed us to distort the story and forget that we are part of nature.  That we are allowed to be ourselves—that we are meant to be ourselves.  If we can get out of the narrative of “who we have to” and switch to “who we are meant to” be, the story changes.  Allow yourself to simply be and see what is written in you.

Today I am grateful for new experiences for a second week in a row.  A friend generously treated me to a manicure and a pedicure.  Yes, I’ve had my nails done before—I used to enjoy acrylics or even gel nails—but I never had a manicure or a pedicure.  I admittedly used to have a stigma in my mind about sanitation and cleanliness in general, and I know it was wrong—in my defense in 20 years in health care I’ve seen some stuff.  The experience was pure joy from the start.  The simple act of taking care of the hands and feet is so underrated and I say that even with all the praise that goes on for mani/pedis.  There are so many reflex points in the hands and feet, and taking the time to rub the things that get the most use on our body is so vital.  Most of us ignore how much we use our hands and feet and how much work they do.  To have them treated was total bliss.

Today I am grateful for guidance and breakthroughs.  There are times in life we have to hear things we don’t want to.  Certain things may be known with the mind but not felt in the heart—or even the other way around.  And sometimes it isn’t about hearing what we don’t want to but rather KNOWING what we don’t want to.  The body is an amazing system and it gives us all sorts of warnings and indicators about what and who we are experiencing.  If I’m honest I’ve known things about someone close to me for a long time and I haven’t wanted to admit the truth of our incompatibility, the disrespect, me looking the other way, and getting steamrolled.  I’ve asked and begged for my boundaries to be respected and honored, to find a mutual way to achieve goals—and to have mutual goals.  While it stinks, I’m not the only one this has happened to, and the knowledge is painful, but it’s knowledge that I can’t ignore any longer.  One painful truth or a lifetime of beautiful lies—I’m tired of lies. 

Today I am grateful to experience letting go.  I’m genuinely not used to being taken care of.  I claim I want it but I never let anyone take care of me.  I feel like I don’t deserve it, like I can always be doing more.  The truth is another reality is sinking in: I don’t have the energy to do it all anymore.  Not that I’m falling apart or incapable, but I have simply realized that I don’t have the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to do it all anymore.  Moreover, I don’t want to.  I am at the point where I really have to consider how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and what I want the future to look like as well as what I want to feel like.  It isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel a certain way—it’s my responsibility to foster an environment for what I want to feel and experience.  That means letting go of who and what needs to go.  It means giving up control over every little thing and looking at the big picture.  It means guiding the ship and working on that 1% every day.  Let go of what doesn’t matter.

Today I am grateful to put patience into practice.  I know one of my biggest struggles is with patience.  I am not a patient person and I put a lot of expectations on myself.  One of the things I’ve witnessed as a mom is the trickle down effect of pressure put on my son.  My son had a bit of homework to get through today and he didn’t want to initially.  I told him we could break it down and do part of it today and he agreed.  He made a tiny mistake and he lost his mind.  I mean, full on tears and screaming that he always makes mistakes.  In that moment, I saw myself.  Later on my son wanted to play Uno and it’s been a really long time since he played it and he got confused with some of the rules—totally normal because he’s only six.  Again, the meltdown.  In each of those instances I recognized the healing I needed.  Something has been going on because yesterday he cried when he misunderstood a conversation about perfection.  My baby is the epitome of me, my fears included, and my anxiety seems to have made it’s way to him.  I’m grateful I had the moment and recognized it and stayed with him, expressed love for his frustration.  The healing continues.

Today I am grateful for a break from the pressure.  We had a wonderful evening with our friends yesterday.  Great conversation, laughs, the kids enjoyed each other’s company—my son had someone to actively play with and he loved it.  I’ve been stuck in panic mode for a while because some facets of my business aren’t coming together and I haven’t been quite clear on next steps in a few other arenas so I’ve been chaotic.  But this morning, still fresh from last night’s enjoyment, I woke up, started working, spent some time with my son, then woke up my husband and asked if he wanted to go get bagels.  He immediately said yes and I could see the pressure ease from his body—we’ve both been under a lot of stress.  One car ride and $15 later, we had a beautiful, casual breakfast as a family in the bagel shop.  Then we came home, did a bit more work, played, got cleaned up, and prepped for dinner.  Not everything needs to be in crisis/chaos/high gear 24/7.  Enjoy the breaks.

Today I am grateful for reminders of connection and love.  A sadness has been coming over me lately as I’m working through some of the pressures I mentioned above.  This morning as I worked, I heard the call of cardinals.  So I took it as a sign and I sat looking out my office window, practicing some Niksen for the first time.  Sure enough, the cardinals came into view a few minutes later.  The presence of those birds reminded me that we are never truly alone.  A few minutes later, my sone came and joined me and we cuddled.  The conversations last night, the connection came into focus and I realized that there is so much going on for all of us.  We create so much stress in our lives.  All we need to do is pause and connect and remember how fortunate we really are.  We are never alone.  We are always supported.  Sometimes we need reminders of our talent and how far we’ve come—and I saw that today.  Our memory isn’t always accurate so seeing the truth from a different angle, remembering how blessed we are is key.  Take a minute to breathe.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead. 

There is a certain irony in life.  We come into the world completely open and willing to play.  We are wired for it instantly and we rarely miss an opportunity to play.  Our parents, friends, family, everyone around us encourages us as we learn to walk, learn spatial reasoning, express ourselves, show creativity.  That is pretty much the story for the first five years of our lives.  Then abruptly, that world is taken away from us.  We are forced into school where we are told exactly what to think, what creativity is, what is valued, and what answers to give.  We aren’t taught critical or expansive thought and our creativity is diminished to an allotted time.  We are judged by our ability to respond and articulate/regurgitate information over our ability to produce original content—and the original content is subjective. 

As we get older, we feel the loss of something that we aren’t able to put our fingers on.  We enter the workforce, we create an image.  We show the world what they want to see or face some level of ostracism.  More often we present a façade out of fear we won’t be accepted as we are, so we step further and further from ourselves and the feeling of loss grows.  The loss is the loss of who we are at our core.  From childhood we know something is missing.  We KNOW that what we are told to do isn’t fully aligned with who we are.  We inherently know the value in play, in creativity, in the life we feel running through our veins and we fear the loss of that life as we are indoctrinated into a system that tells us the opposite of what we know is right—as that life is squeezed out of us.

The key is to reintroduce the joy into our lives.  Bring back the good—the things that feel good included.  Life is so much simpler than we make it.  The competition and drive of the ego gets in the way and makes us feel less than so we prove our worth (or for others, more than so they spend a lifetime proving their greatness, protecting imaginary power).  Life is about love and joy and light and doing what is good.  If we want to make things better, we simply need to get back to what we know.  Imagine something different.  And yes, I know it’s easier said than done.  I know it’s possible, though.  I know because when I introduce more of what feels good into my life, it feels better. While it may seem cliché or corny, it’s as simple as that.  When I feel better I can do better because I’m clear.  The answers come easier, and there are more options.

The value to the sandbox is it allows us space to experiment.  It isn’t permanent, it’s a place to learn in the unconventional sense.  Play gives us what we need to connect with the parts of us we lost, the parts we were taught to ignore and devalue as unimportant.  We can give ourselves a chance to practice at what works for us.  While we can’t literally turn back the clock, we can give ourselves a new opportunity to think, to try again at any time.  We can lower the stakes to make it easier to change course if we need to.  When we find the pieces that fit together, the picture becomes clear so it makes sense.  Changing direction doesn’t need to be scary, it just has to be about hearing our inner voice and taking action.  Find what works, and when that all makes sense, allow it to unfold.  It’s the most freeing feeling in the world to find yourself. 

Our society is driven by status, appearance, and achievement.  Checking all the boxes in the right order at the right time and climbing to the top in every arena is revered.  But what happens when the goal is to be king of every mountain?  We certainly can’t stretch that far and I certainly haven’t met someone with that type of breadth.  The truth is, that person doesn’t exist.  Achievement becomes about ego and power and dominance.  The other side of the coin is when we make our lives about checking things off the list, what happens when the lists run out?  We essentially run out the clock with meaningless actions for the sake of proving our worth to others.

Conveniently what we don’t talk about is inherent worth.  For most of us our worth is still determined by what’s on the outside, what we can show the world we’ve done.  We forget about the worth we are born with merely by being here.  That worth never disappears but we learn to put it to the side in favor of rules, expectations, other people’s beliefs all before we even learn to express ourselves.  For those who know their inherent worth, it’s easier to rise above the games.  It’s easier to see alternatives to the story we still try to engrain in this society.  When you know, you know—it’s no longer about proving. Proving falls to the background because you are merely doing all you can do with what you have—and that is enough.      

To be completely fair, perhaps that conversation on worth is growing more these days, but it isn’t something we have fully integrated into our beings.  As someone considered mid-life, I struggle with certain aspects of the younger generation.  There’s a dichotomy that feels so big.  There are kids who embrace who they are and shout it to the world while others seem stuck in posting and social media and vapid distraction.  The truth is we were probably the exact same, it just felt different, or it wasn’t so widely advertised.  But one thing to give the younger generation credit for is their persistence and creativity.  They stick with what they know and they have this ability to take their talents and find ways to make it off the traditional path.  That is a strong sense of self.  Those of us on the precipice between the two still struggle between what we are “supposed” to do and what we want to do.  We haven’t gotten fully comfortable with making it outside the norm, through our creativity.

There is a time and place for achievement.  There is a time to shoot for the top.  It can be said that achievement isn’t the problem—alignment is.  Because when achievement in itself is the goal we get lost.  Or when we are climbing a ladder that isn’t for us.  Or when we climb the ladder on the wrong building.  Fine it may be an accomplishment to finish something.  But what good is it if it doesn’t mean anything to us?  What good is it if it wasn’t our goal in the first place? So when we go for a goal, make sure it’s our own because then the path to the top means something.  Otherwise we are playing a game of tag that we can’t win because the goal is always moving.  It’s kind of like spinning plates on too many sticks at once—we can’t keep them all moving.  They are eventually going to fall.  When we are aligned, achievement comes naturally.  There aren’t plates to spin, we spin with the natural course before us.  The ladder is still there, but the goal is different.  It isn’t about getting to the top, it’s about following the steps on the journey. That is an achievement well worth it.

We talk a lot about ourselves here.  Some may call it selfish or self-absorbed.  In reality the goal is foundational.  It’s about creating the best version of yourself so you can bring the best to the world, so you can ignite yourself and those around you.  So your cup can overflow to others.  In order to do that we need to know confidently and completely who we are.  We can’t let external influences determine that for us.  We need to connect to what we are called to and that means knowing without a doubt what our purpose is.  We can’t tie our identity to things, people, or what we do like a job.  We need to know what makes us who we are, what our values are. 

When we know what we value, the answers are clear.  We can lean on those values during change.  We create levels of awareness of our patterns and habits and who we are and who we are meant to be and that allows us to close the gap. Self is a tricky, fluid thing.  We aren’t stones and we do need to adapt over time.  I’m not talking about habits and routines—although they can become part of who we are—I’m talking about the driving factors, the voices that scream, “STOP!” when something feels off.  That is the indicator that we need to realign.

Who we are called to be presents itself when we listen.  It isn’t like it’s completely hidden or anything, far from it.  We are just trained to keep it quiet for so long that the voice gets pushed to the back of our mind or ignored every now and then.  In order to be who we are, we need to listen loud and clear and take action aligned with that deepest sense of who we are.  It’s then that we learn life revolves around the heart.  Accept that our purpose is to love and have compassion for each other.  When you are firm in who you are and when you allow that identity to expand into your life, your creations will expand (Ashmi Path).   A sense of self isn’t a selfish thing, it’s a necessary thing.

The person we speak with the most, the person we listen to the most, the person whose advice we seek the most is much closer than we think.  It’s ourselves.  That voice follows us throughout our days, it guides our thoughts, our actions, it permeates our sleep, it allows us to day dream, it helps us plan.  The inner voice even helps us remember things.  Part of me was terrified to share this piece because there are a lot of things that run through my head.  The truth is, my mind isn’t the kindest place to be.  I’m incredibly hard on myself, I have extreme expectations, and I truly have a tendency to think of worst-case scenarios—logically I know it’s ridiculous, I know there is no chance of it happening, but I can’t seem to stop the thoughts from popping in. For example, my husband and son went out today and I had been feeling a little on edge before they left and the thought popped in my head that I was going to get a call that they had been killed.  I mean, that’s absolutely ridiculous. There is no in between in my brain—it’s either really positive or super negative. 

While it’s embarrassing to acknowledge how crazy it feels in my brain some days, I happened upon a meditation that spoke about the positive side of an inner voice and how we can channel it through encouraging reconsidering things.  The positive to an active mind is that there is limitless energy and creativity.  I mean, yes, the thoughts I have can be pretty macabre, but it takes a pretty imaginative person to get into those scenarios.  Active minds tend to run on their own, sometimes with multiple tracks all at the same time.  There are stories and ideas always floating around up there and when that can be channeled, it’s pretty cool.  If a mind is that creative, it needs an outlet.  We don’t have to sit and stew in our own fear or misery.  We can acknowledge it’s just a thought and we can use our thoughts in other ways.

A good step to this is to see the thoughts as they come and allow them to pass.  I actually love this one even though it isn’t natural to me yet and I don’t use it that often.  The idea of a thought floating through and being allowed to pass gives me a huge sense of relief because it seems like it would simply float away, unattached to anything.  Another way is to learn to talk to it.  This one I use quite a bit more.  When a truly far-fetched thought makes it’s way in my brain and feels a bit obsessive, I speak out loud with, “STOP!”  And then I take the inner dialogue and tell it that the thought is just a thought, the chances of it happening are almost zero.  I also like the technique of simply finding a flaw with the thought.  If we can logically see where we went wrong, that the thought has no ground, it’s easier to find another route of thinking.  We spend a lot of time in our heads, it’s important to remember that we have a say of what goes on in there.  Make it a nice place to be.

One of the habits I’m trying to break as a people pleaser is protecting other people’s emotions, or what I think their emotions are.  It’s not up to me to manage how people feel.  There has been some scuffle between a couple friends of mine and I’ve repeatedly told them they need to take it up with each other.  I’m trying to maintain a relationship with both of them and that has meant turning down one friend if I already had plans with the other.  Recently I was smack in the middle of the two and one found out the other was hosting an event.  I asked the host what I should tell the other friend and she flat out told me to tell her the truth.  I panicked because I didn’t want to be the one responsible for hurting my other friend.  I told her we were going to the host’s house but I didn’t tell her for what.  Within seconds she heard the full truth from someone else.  It made me look like I had been full on lying.  I flipped out and told my husband I was exhausted looking like the asshole when I’m protecting people and he told me, “Stop doing that!”

A light bulb went off in my head as soon as I heard those words—he’s right.  It would have been so easy to blame the other person for telling the full truth—why wouldn’t you want to protect our friend?!  But the blame fell on me.  I should have told her exactly what was happening.  We are adults and the issue is between the two of them.  To keep it squarely between my two friends, I should have just told the entire story.  Regardless of my intention, what I told her came across as a lie, and I completely understand that.  They always say the truth is easier to remember than a lie (yes, I’m including half-truths, white-lies, and omission) and it’s true. We all know first hand what it feels like to be excluded and I don’t want people to feel that.  Ironically it’s become a compulsion and I feel responsible for not letting anyone feel excluded, even if it’s appropriate or if they’ve excluded me.  The friend I was protecting responded at length that the host would never have been friends with me had their issue not started in the first place. 

Another light bulb.  If someone is that willing to blatantly berate or belittle me when I wasn’t even involved, then how close are we?  What type of friends are we?  Sometimes telling the truth reveals more than we anticipated—like someone’s true intentions or place with you.  That’s fine.  We aren’t responsible FOR people but we may have a responsibility TO people.  The difference is that we aren’t obligated to make people feel a certain way—we don’t need to hedge our emotions or the truth to protect them, we are responsible to tell them the truth.  How they react is up to them.  Sometimes protecting is overstepping and it just makes you look like a jerk even if your intentions were good.  Sometimes the truth is ugly but it puts you right where you need to be.  Anything else keeps you in the middle.  So the moral of this story is just let it all out.  I’m not advocating for intentionally hurting people, but I wouldn’t suggest hurting yourself either for the sake of someone else’s comfort.

I also want to acknowledge the difficulty for people who are trained to always consider others before themselves.  That group in particular seems to struggle with boundaries as well as taking on responsibility for how others are feeling.  The world doesn’t rest on your shoulders, my friends.  We don’t need to be the hero in everyone’s story to make them like us.  We just need to make sure we take responsibility for our own tale, that we hold the pen, and that we do the work that we are meant to.  How others respond to us is far more telling of them than it is of us.  If they put the onus of their feelings on you, that’s unfortunate and that’s a boundary you have to be comfortable setting.  But do not go into any type of relationship with the expectation that your actions result in the happiness or disappointment of someone else.  In the end, the things we do to make other people happy can be skewed if we aren’t careful.  So make sure you take care of you.  The rest will fall into place.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt totally misunderstood.  <Raises Hand>.  Raise your hand if you thought it was your fault and needed to make people understand you. <Raises Hand>.  We live in a judgy world that tells us we need to meet others expectations before our own, that we all have to live the same way to fall into the “normal” or “successful” categories.  Even the opportunities that fall outside the norm have their own set of rules and expectations.  We live with very real but often unspoken limitations and expectations on our lives.  We just aren’t told they are real in our mind.  Anyone can judge the external experience of others without knowing the background.  That’s easy.  It’s superficial and based on nothing more than what we see. There’s no foundation there, there’s no real understanding of what people have gone through.  So why do we allow those people who haven’t lived our story to dictate how we feel about ourselves?

Our first mistake is assuming we are all the same and that we all want to be the same.  That assumption removes the creativity and the knowing we are born with as soon as it hits our ears—and this is fed to us as normal.  Crushing the dream and the spirit starts as soon as we enter school because we are meant to conform to the prescribed standards of what success is.  No matter it’s about regurgitating information instead of creating, if we don’t answer a question correctly, we are wrong.  We never consider that we are judging people unfairly—or that we don’t need to judge them at all.. The truth is if we judge a fish by its ability to fly, it will always look like a failure, and if we tell it so, it will feel like a failure.  We’ve been judging fish by their ability to fly for far too long.  That doesn’t make them wrong, it makes them what they are and they are allowed to be what they are—they have no other choice.  So the matter is really about context and understanding what we are seeing.  And even further back, understanding whether or not our judgement is really necessary.

We’ve been talking a long time about the paradigm shifting and the systems breaking.  I’ve said it before that there was a time and place for the system but it NEVER worked for everyone, so that in itself should have been an indication that the system needed to break a long time ago.  So many of us still cling to it because it’s all we know.  But look at the world.  Look at how things are changing and how rapidly we are progressing into new territory.  Schools don’t work, healthcare doesn’t work, the economy as we knew it doesn’t work, the government certainly doesn’t work.  We’ve spent so much time corralling the people and making them fit in boxes that we never looked at breaking the damn box as a collective.  What happens when we remove the self-imposed barriers to the lives we’ve been trying to live?  No, I’m not talking anarchy and destruction, there is need for some type of order.  I’m talking about creating a system that is truly for the people, that supports the people and allows them to flourish.  Fish get to be fish, birds get to be birds and they are all allowed to be who they are AND to flourish.

It’s not so crazy.  I’m pretty confident in saying that we all feel the need to change the behavior anyway.  I look at 20 year olds now and the opportunities they are taking and creating for themselves, things that people nearing their 40’s or older wouldn’t consider because they are afraid.  There are absolutely ways to make the life you want, the life that fits and makes sense for you.  It doesn’t have to be like everyone else.  It’s a matter of simply going with it and deciding that the pain of being who you were is greater than the pain of becoming who you’re meant to be.  It’s time to spread those wings and leave behind the restrictions you felt were mandatory, leave behind the doubt.  Get comfortable in who you are and step forward.  The more we can show the world we are embracing who we are, the more the world learns to do the same for themselves.  It’s about spreading light and not darkness, it’s about removing limitation not creating a new box, it’s about loving ourselves enough to be who we are meant to be instead of berating ourselves for not being who we were told.  Small steps make a big impact and the more light we can spread to the world, the better it will be.