I read a piece (author not cited, sorry) about a couple and what it means to be in a marriage/relationship. The line that struck me in this piece was when they mentioned their prayer was, “Why do my husband and I have to be so different?”  I realized that I’ve been asking myself that for years with my husband.  Most of my relationship with my husband has been a self-created battleground of sorts.  He’s far more independent and fearless than I am and he takes chances that aren’t always the best choice.  I’ve spent years cleaning up and supporting and feeling like I’m constantly putting out fires and I’ve spent years begging for him to be different.  See, that behavior initially drew me to him because his fearlessness was something deep down I knew I needed to experience in myself.  Over time I’ve come to see it isn’t so much fearlessness, but more of an understanding about who he is.  He has complete acceptance of himself.  And that is a trait I needed to learn.

The point is that we are who we are and I’ve been fighting every step of the way.  I can’t talk about acceptance of self and others if I’m rejecting what and who is in my own home.  My husband is a complicated man.  But those things that drive me crazy are also what makes him, him.  The same can be said for me.  You can’t spend over two decades with someone and not drive each other nuts at some point.  The point is, it isn’t our job to make our partners be who we want them to be.  Partners aren’t projects.  They are our support.  They make up the team.  Trying to make them something else defeats the purpose of being together.

When you are with someone, you each bring a piece to the table and if we diminish their contributions, then there is no point in working together.  Now, I’m not talking about being on a different page.  When you’re working toward different things, that will never work.  The relationship becomes a competition rather than something you work on together.  As I’ve said before, acceptance is the way to move forward and when you spend your time trying to make someone something they are not, you’re fighting the natural course of things.  The key is to take them for who they are and allow them to contribute to the relationship.  That’s why you’re with them.  You don’t want to be with a clone of yourself (even if you think on some days that might be easier).  No. We need the outside opinions to develop more creative thought.

The bottom line is that life isn’t always about what we want, it’s about what is needed.  The people we bring into our lives and the people who cross our paths are there for a reason. We aren’t always right and we need those people to give us a different perspective.  The world is meant to be collaborative.  We are meant to open up to those around us and share experiences and love and embrace the realities of who we are.  We are meant to encourage each other, not break each other down into a watered-down version of who we are meant to be.  We are trained from such a young age to be a certain way and it takes time and courage to say that we won’t do that any longer.  That we will be who we are meant to be.  IF we have the strength to do that, being with people is a whole lot easier.  Being with ourselves is a whole lot easier.  We can stop asking for others to be like us and start embracing exactly who we and they are.  We accept.

I wrote a piece a while back about the roller coaster of life.  Talking about how things will always go up and down and we can choose to go with it or we can choose to fight every downhill that we get.  The more I’ve thought about this, I see things a bit differently.  If we assign meaning to the events of our lives, it isn’t so much that life is a roller coaster.  More that the roller coaster we endure daily is in our head.  The mind is such a powerful thing.  It perceives what the eyes see and it interprets it into an event that we believe needs a reaction and assigns a label to it—good, bad, or otherwise.  And based on our training, we take that further and decide the emotion around it.

As we all know, life’s events will happen whether we want them to or not.  They will happen on their own time and in their own way.  Life is simply that: LIFE.  It moves forward.  It isn’t personal, it simply moves in its own natural rhythm and we are simply here as part of the game.  The meaning we assign to it is unique to us—and completely changeable.  We don’t have to do what we’ve always done—we can move forward with grace and ease or we can go kicking and screaming.  The point is, no matter what we choose or how we feel, things will still move forward.  We can’t change what we’ve done, so dwelling there is a waste of time.  We can’t prevent what will happen, that just causes anxiety. 

When you realize how powerful the mind is, you understand where it’s important to direct your focus.  Whatever happens outside is going to happen anyway, but inside, in the course of your thoughts, you can change how you feel about it.  You can change how you see it, change the meaning you assign to it.  The only way to move forward is to adapt.  The irony of our idea of control is that we were given control over a great deal of things yet we choose to not exercise that.  We want to control the immutable forces of nature.  The secret is to live with nature because we are OF nature.  We are a part of it.  We are meant to work with it, not master it.  The only thing we can master is ourselves.

Mastery requires acceptance and understanding.  For our part, we need to accept and understand who we are.  That is the greatest message I’ve shared in these posts.  Accept and understand who we are.  I’m not suggesting to not be driven or to not have goals that seem too big, far from it.  I’m suggesting taking on who we are and loving ourselves no matter what.  I’m talking about no longer projecting an image, rather getting incredibly vulnerable and sharing that without shame.  I’m talking about embracing humanity and creativity and finding that spot of purpose and joy.  If we can manage that, all the rest is gravy.  It all comes together and life feels less like a battlefield and more like a playground.  I’m ready to play.  I’m ready to revel in who I am and let go of all the times I was told to be quiet.  I’m ready to use my voice.  Are you?

Let’s talk about the pressure to do it all.  I work a 9-5 and I have two business that I’m working on running on the side in addition to having a five year old.  I’m working on my health in both fitness and nutrition as well as mentally.  And I often feel completely isolated. I’ve written about the overwhelm before and I’ve even rattled off that list to you before—but here we are, still feeling the same things only it feels deeper and heavier now.  This isn’t the weight I want to carry any longer.  And honestly, I’m happy to feel this way.  There were so many years I would simply continue on, push through, carry whatever anyone dumped on me—but I don’t want to do that anymore. 

Believing that we have to do it all on our own is so toxic.  One of my mentors talks about that all the time.  It’s also one of the hardest habits to break.  I mean, it is a ton of effort, but sometimes just doing it yourself is easier because you can execute the vision exactly as you see it.  The problem is, on the most basic level, doing it alone isn’t sustainable.  We all need people, even just for support.  We all need to have an outlet or someone to help us.

As fate would have it, one of the groups I follow the other day posted about making clear decisions.  Something about that moment switched the lightbulb for me.  I started thinking about work (and home) and saw we aren’t making clear decisions or making real progress because we have simply taken on too much.  It isn’t that it can’t all be done, it just can’t all be done at once.  The track is created when we are trying to keep too many of the same things afloat at the same time.  We can’t truly move forward because we are in a state of simply keeping it above water.  When we have clear action and singular focus, then we are able to gain some forward momentum.

So then comes the difficult decision.  We have to decide if what we are doing is what we REALLY want to be doing.  We have to ask ourselves if this is the path we want to continue to follow.  Sure, the control feels good (it’s even addictive) but are we getting what we really need? Then we have to ask if we even CAN do it.  Do we have a reasonable amount of time to do what we are trying to and to do it well? We have to start looking at our days and evaluating the actions we take as valuable or not.  And then we have to get honest: what is working and what isn’t.  Not everything we start, even with the best intentions, is going to pan out.  And the truth is not everything needs our attention.  Less scattered checking off lists and more focus brings us closer to our goals. 

Yes, we can have multiple goals, and yes, I fully believe we are all capable of achieving all of them—any way we want to.  But I no longer see the value in taking up projects simply to fill time or with the hope of creating something when there is no real path to get there.  I no longer want to check off lists.  I want to create value and that requires focus and specificity.  Not running the track.  Sometimes this will mean saying no and sometimes it will mean letting go of things you thought you wanted to do.  We are always works in progress and we are always allowed to change our minds.  So do it.  Align with what you are meant to do frequently and say no as often as you need to.  We aren’t meant to do it all in the literal sense: we are meant to do all we want.  So get clear and get honest and start aligning.

I’ve never understood being told to stay out of situations that have universal implications.  I’m sensitive to this only because I believe communication is key.  I don’t understand being told I don’t understand when the discussion is about a topic that is NOT unique to a specific group.  When it comes to issues that impact women, those are women’s issues—that is the point of equality.  The point of equality is that we all experience the same rewards for the same effort or we are all impacted similarly so one group isn’t disparaged against.  When something happens on a public platform that changes the dynamic.  I will fully own that there are particulars in every case that don’t apply to everyone so the conversation does change a bit.  That is true of most things.  I will also fully own that not everyone’s experiences will allow for each individual to interpret things the same way.  That is just life.  But if we are looking for a way to encourage like-mindedness and inclusivity, something that happens in a public forum is not one groups to own.

Sometimes, as hard as it is to hear no matter what side we fall on, we have to turn down our sensitivity to other people speaking their opinions.  I can respect that some people haven’t had the same opportunities for expression and they need to be part of the conversation, but I will not support the idea that a witness to an event has no say in the matter.  That simply isn’t true.  Is one opinion valued over another—that’s a tricky area.  Yes, there are some areas where experts need to weigh in or someone with more experience needs to take the wheel.  But we don’t LEARN if we don’t have the conversation, and making someone feel like they aren’t entitled to an opinion that may elicit a different thought pattern is irresponsible and exclusive.

See, that is the real truth of the matter: we are too exclusive in our lives.  Shit, I dwindled myself down to a party of one at times because I didn’t feel anyone knew what I was going through.  Holding a razor blade to my wrist, or downing a bottle of pills—that’s not a unique experience but it isn’t common.  But we all know about loss and that was underlying the action.  We all know about wanting to end the pain we feel, we just seek different ways to numb it.  We know these things yet we judge each other and we hold each other up to ridiculous standards and THAT is what needs to stop.  In order for that to stop we have to stop cutting each other out of the conversation.  We don’t need to take everyone’s information to heart, we don’t need to exercise or act on it, but EVERYONE has the right to be heard. Contrary to what you believe, not everyone is seeking to control the conversation, they are trying to add to it.  I will acknowledge there is a time and a place and an appropriate means to insert said opinion.  But if something occurs in a public forum, it’s fair game.  No one gets to control that.

Until we are able to eliminate exclusivity and sensitivity and learn to actually receive information, process it, and respond (not react), then this will happen.  This is also why it’s so important to own our behavior.  This is why we need to take responsibility for who we are and what we consume.  We need to align with what our values are and make sure we are acting from that.  That we are speaking from there.  And that we are always honest.  Not everything is about us, no.  But we have to be open enough to share our experiences to learn from them and create a better experience for the next time around.  Let’s learn to communicate rather than cut people out.  Let’s learn to hear and find commonality rather than judge.  Let’s learn to embrace the idea that there is room for everyone.  If you want change, the conversation needs to include everyone.  It’s not about reciprocating privilege, it’s about leveling the playing field and cutting people out will not do that. So listen.  Invite.  Learn.  You never know what comes next.

The other day I had a complete melt down.  It was before my birthday and I was questioning even existing and feeling like all sorts of crap about myself.  I literally didn’t think I could last another second—totally dramatic, I know, but the depression runs deep some days.  Regardless, I had this meltdown in front of my kid and after the storm passed, I really thought about it.  I have no clue how to have fun.  I’ve born the weight of the heavy stuff and the responsibility in life since I was 11.  Every time I tried to have fun as a kid I was told to be quite or calm down, that I was too loud and too  much.  I was called a bimbo.  Any outlet I had for emotional release was looked down on so in internalized a lot.  In the midst of that revelation, I realized that I do the same thing to my kid.  I always try to keep him in line, even in instances when he doesn’t really need to be kept in check.  I felt like I was crushing him the same way I was crushed as a kid. 

I pulled him in my lap and I apologized profusely to him.  I told him some of this story, explaining that mommy was always told to be quiet when she was little but her heart used to beat so loudly she wanted to do everything.  It was so loud  and eventually she was told to be quiet so often that her heart got quieter.  And quieter.  And eventually it was so quiet that mommy couldn’t hear it anymore.  Now mommy doesn’t know how to hear it all the time even though she is trying to listen more.  Her heart is still really quiet and she talks more through feelings now.  But it’s still hard to hear.  And after doing it for so long sometimes it’s easy to fall into the same habits.

I don’t ever want my kid to feel like he can’t listen to himself.  I don’t want him to develop the habit of mistrusting himself because he isn’t behaving how we are training him to.  And honestly, I don’t want to continue training him.  He’s a human being with feelings and thoughts of his own and he is so smart that he is acutely aware of what that means.  He just happens to also be five years old and still learning to control all of that.  I am working on hearing my own heart, but what helps me is listening to his and witnessing him follow his own intuition and guidance. 

So this is for all of us who have turned down the volume on our own hearts because of what we were told to do.  For those of us who were always told to be quiet or to settle down or to follow the same course as everyone else.  This is also for the child in each of us who is still trying to play with us, who is encouraging us to remember who we are.  To the child in us who sticks out their tongue when we say we can’t play because we have things to do. To the child in me who still needs to be heard and allowed to be wild and expressive.  To my child, who is all of those things. 

I just want to follow up yesterday’s post and talk about the importance of gratitude.  I know first hand how difficult it is to feel positive when your brain doesn’t allow it.  I know that voice inside that says it’s helpful when all it’s doing is planting seeds of pain and doubt and lies about who we are.  It tells us we aren’t worth anything, it tells us that the world would be better off without us.  That voice is so loud sometimes and it seems to find all of the “evidence” it needs to corroborate every shitty thing we say or feel about ourselves. 

Gratitude is that spark inside of us that won’t go out.  It reminds us that there is a reason for everything.  It connects us to the spiritual and universal truth that the mind lies and that we all have a purpose.  Keeping in touch with that place that says, “Thank you for this,” gives us hope.  And hope is such a cliché word at times.  I mean, there is absolute devastation going on in the world every day and we sit here and hope for some thing or another while others hope to survive.  But on some level that is the truth.  That is the point of gratitude: there is always something to be grateful for.

I genuinely hope there comes a day where we don’t have to be grateful for simply surviving. I mean, hell that’s a step for now because if you can be grateful you’re alive then you can find a purpose.  But I want people to really connect and level up.  We are meant to enjoy this life.  We’ve been given the ultimate gift in this universe: we have the ultimate playground.  We can change and create and make whatever we want.  I mean, we aren’t free from the consequences of that and there is always room for improvement, but we have every opportunity to make things what we want and we can make them good for everyone.  We have a real chance to come together and create a good thing for everyone.

Today is my birthday and I’ve been reflecting a lot about the last year lately.  Last year on my birthday, I lost my second child.  Nothing about any of my pregnancies was easy, but I never expected to feel as I did on that day.  I had endured two months of constant bleeding and a surgery to stop it, non-stop vomiting and nausea, infusions, and the baby was still having issues. There was no way to survive it—potentially for either of us.  So my birthday came and my doctor gave me the news that there was nothing else we could do and we couldn’t wait any longer and this was not viable.  The guilt felt like an elephant on my chest.  I felt even more guilty as the relief was immediate—as soon as I woke up, I could eat again.  I felt alive again.  I had color in me again.  As I lost my child, a new path was born.  I wouldn’t be birthing a physical being, but I could birth a new way of living.  And that guilt was heavier still because the life I was supposed to bring into the world would not be coming.

I made a choice after that to dedicate myself to my writing and creating a new life for myself and my family.  I knew I was meant to bring some creation to life, I’ve felt it in me my whole life.  At my lowest, when I couldn’t even play with my kid, I was still able to write.  There was so much to get out, so much feeling and emotion in a constant swirl, that I just needed to share.  That is what had been brewing inside of me my entire life.  If I couldn’t make myself feel good, maybe I could help others to feel good.  Maybe I could give them some of the encouragement I needed.  I’m not perfect by any means, I’ve screwed up a ton and I felt that the world needed a dose of humanity on the realist level.  So I’ve done that.  I’ve published hundreds of posts and I’ve been working on networking to spread the message further.

So this birthday is very different.  I’ve been sad since January with the revelation of how my siblings view me.  With the revelation that we are essentially alone.  I’ve been sad a lot lately because we’ve been approaching this anniversary and because the things I struck out to do haven’t come to full fruition yet.  I’m proud of what I’ve done, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t say I was also disappointed—things just don’t feel quite right.  Over the last year, I’ve shared so many things.  I’ve made a ton of decisions and I’ve been given opportunities I didn’t think I would have.  I’ve gotten closer to learning who I am and I am not the person I was a year ago.  The irony is that, on some level, I know I’m the same, but I don’t feel like who I was. I still feel the need to be validated and appreciated and to feel like I’m wanted—but I can say that’s what I want now. I’m getting to the point, I promise.

In spite of all of this, I AM grateful.  We are given chances everyday when we wake up, and I’m working my hardest to get through.  But I want to do more than get through—I want to love my life.  I don’t believe that we are meant to be here to endure misery and simply survive.  I don’t believe we are meant to carry the weight of the world and then die.    I’ve been dealing with my trauma rather than addressing it and I think the connection I’ve been looking for needed to be internalized rather than sought elsewhere.  I needed to find me again.  I didn’t realize how hard it is to pivot at times.  Ironically, in the moment it feels right and you think you’re on the right rack—or that you’re fine.  And then, like a silent mist, it starts settling on you and you see you’re not.  Again, I’m still grateful because I know there is always the opportunity to turn it around.              

As I’m writing this a puffy Robin is sitting on the fence outside.  They symbolize a fresh start in life, rejuvenation, a fresh perspective.  So I’m grateful.  I’m grateful that I get to keep going.  That I get to wake up.  That I get to write and be creative.  That I get to play with my kid and spend time with my family.  That I get to support and repay those who helped me get here.  That I get to change things up again and go for what I want.  That I get call the shots.  That I don’t have to be who I was and that I am always a work in progress.  I am grateful to be alive and I know I am, not just because I am sitting here, but because I get to feel the entire range of emotions that I’ve described to you.  I’m grateful that life shows us the way, in its own way in its own time and that it all somehow works out.  I’m grateful to choose again and to share again and to remind us all of that connection in side of us.  I’m grateful to be.  Happy Birthday to me.

“Can you let people be wrong about you?” Brooke Castillo.  Let people think what they want to.  It’s their prerogative.  There is no way that you can control the perception of anyone in this world.  That is based on their experiences and context, so to some, you will be the villain.  To others you will be the hero.  But the reality is, all we have is what we are to ourselves.  How authentically we are who we say we are.  How authentically we honor who we know we are by getting in touch with that person.  How aligned we are with that definition we create.  I know I’ve talked about not putting ourselves in boxes, and I stand by that, but the truth is we have to take some responsibility and pride in defining who we are.  We can create that person and we will be much happier if that person is who we really are over an image.

It’s also a letting go of ego.  I used to snap on a hair trigger if something was off or if someone got critical of a decision I made.  In full transparency, I still do at certain times.  But if we are able to let go of what people think and if we know that we are aligned with who we truly are, then we have done the best we can.  That is all we need.  People will determine what they think on a dime regardless.  They make snap decisions because that’s how the human brain works.  No matter what we do, other people’s perceptions have nothing to do with us. The ability to allow others to go their way is a remarkable talent few have.  It goes against all of our instincts to not defend ourselves. 

There is remarkable freedom in being who we are, however.  More appropriately, there is remarkable freedom in letting go of what we think people think we are.  That’s the irony of this as well: often we behave a certain way because we think that is what people want of us.  We are interpreting our perception of their interpretation.  Do you see how magnificently twisted and complex the brain is?  It is in our release of these ideas that we allow and that is when the magic happens. It isn’t so much about not caring what people think, it’s about not letting our idea of what they think hold us back.  It’s allowing your authentic self to shine through regardless of what you think someone will say.  We create so many stories in a day and nearly none of them come true.  We fatalize most scenarios because we like to think we are on top of it.  It’s all a STORY! 

When we let people be wrong about us, we allow our real self to come out.  We become who we are meant to be.  We release the pressure we feel when we enter a room and have to decide what face to wear that day.  Suddenly we know who we are and it is consistent across the board and the pressure of the story we need to tell goes away because we suddenly ARE that person.  Learning to let go is tricky, I won’t deny that.  But the feeling of being alive in our authentic identity is irreplaceable.  So learn to not carry the weight of someone else’s imagined opinion (or even their real opinion if they express it to you directly) and simply be.  Even if there is negative feedback, let it be.  It’s more important to be aligned with yourself than with the wrong group.  You will find your place as soon as you find yourself.

We don’t live in a society that allows us to go easy.  We are told that we have to hustle and we have to attain and acquire and accomplish 24/7 and when you’ve done enough of that, THEN you can rest.  Then it’s enough and you’ve earned the right to go easy.  We’ve tied our worth to what we can produce and I don’t think we’ve ever really looked at why we still do that in this day and age.  It’s also always stuck me that we have this weird dynamic where we idolize people like Kim K. who do absolutely nothing of legitimate value, yet we put pressure on the single parents who can barely afford to put food on the table to do more.  We have a standard that it’s ok for some people to be innately valuable while others need to earn their worth, and we redefine who is worthy on a daily basis.  And the unfortunate truth is that we are the ones who will have to rewrite what that looks like.

Many people, especially the people pleasers, live under the impression that they even have to earn time with other people.  They feel the compulsive need to find acceptance in nearly everyone they meet, whether that is a trauma response or a different compulsion.  They won’t go easy on themselves because if they make one mistake they fear it means rejection from the whole.  And society feeds into that.  There are people who prey on other people like that.  They use them for their own purposes and let them go. We are trained to do this because we are taught there is more value in things than there is in people.  We’ve created these societal rules that dictate who is worthy based on an image.

We need to remember the universal truth which is we are all inherently valuable and worthy.  We all deserve a fulfilling and purposeful life—not a life of frivolous waste and nonsense, but a life of priority, passion, and purpose.  Just existing allows for that and we get to decide what it looks like.  The idea that we need to earn our stripes so to speak, that we need to earn our way every day while we allow others to be handed their path is where the standard needs to stop.  And that stops with each of us, first individually, then collectively.  The more we set the standard that there is no prerequisite for life, the easier it becomes to express who we are.

Start shifting the mindset from lack and believing you haven’t done enough to acceptance.  Understand that you’ve done your best and start asking yourself questions like, “Have I set realistic goals or standards in the first place?”  If you haven’t then it’s time to re-evaluate.  Then you can move on to other questions like, “Am I really working toward what I want or what I’m told to want?”  And then the real toughies like, “Am I aligned with what I really want?” and “Am I surrounded by people who support me on this journey?”  Not everyone is on your team, that is simply a fact.  Once you have done the inner work and then created a supportive environment, you will create the ease you’ve been looking for.  It will come naturally and you will see it isn’t an earned state: it is a state of being available to all of us.

So be a rebel.  Take the time to be yourself and love yourself and don’t let others tell you what you’re capable of or what you should be doing.  Don’t let others tell you what you’ve earned.  Your capacity to achieve is great but don’t waste it on letting someone else tell you when you’ve done enough or earned enough.  Learn to set the standards for yourself.  Be who you are meant to be.  It IS safe to dip into ease as long as you can shut out the noise from other people questioning you.  The truth is they probably wish they could do the same.  Rewrite the story of your life and be who you are meant to be.  Go easy with abandon and live your life on your terms.