“Go easy.  You’re a human doing human shit,” Robin Plemmons.  On Friday, I had a plan.  We all know things turn out when we have a plan, right?  Yeah…not so much.  I planned on getting to work a bit earlier and finish out the day with my leadership team, go grocery shopping, work on my writing, get to bed, have my husband and son go fishing in the morning so I could work, go to a friend’s kids’ birthday party, and enjoy the weekend.  So what happened: My son woke up with a reflux attack so we ended up running late.  As soon as I dropped my son off, I got a call out from one of my departments.  Throughout the day there were multiple issues that required attention.  Then a surprise assignment came from my boss—something we started a few weeks ago and I spent about an hour on it to be told that the project really wasn’t for us.  An old issue came up that another employee needed resolution on at the same time.  When I got home, my son sounded ok and within 30 minutes he started sneezing like crazy…and now he’s got a cold.

My frustration was palpable because I have been emotionally drained, I haven’t been sleeping well, and I really got my hopes up to have some time to decompress and work through my thoughts.  As childish as it sounded, I really just wanted some time to myself.  Plus I know I really need to focus on some planning that I can make tangible and execute, so losing that time immediately sent me into a spiral.  And then it hit me: ok, you’re talking about shifting anyway, you’re trying to plan a shift, and here is an opportunity.  The whole day has been about shifting—and it all got done anyway.

Life isn’t about being rigid and meeting expectation after expectation.  It’s about adapting and flexing and working with life.  This is another reminder to stop trying to do ALL the things at once and stop trying to jam so much in.  All things get done in their time.  The lesson isn’t trying to do more, it’s trying to do more with grace and ease.  Gentleness for our humanity.  No one can be everything.  But we can all be the best at what we are. 

For those of us that are type A and really driven, it’s hard to recognize our limits.  And it’s hard to acknowledge and “give in” to them.  Whether it is piling on the to-do list, or setting really ambitious goals, we have the optimism that we can do it all.  That isn’t necessarily a bad thing but the pressure we put on ourselves to accomplish and do and check things off the list leaves us depleted.  We have to remember to leave room for all of our human-ness.  We are all doing our best.  And there are certainly times when being human takes precedence.  When we get sick or when our kids get sick, it’s often a reminder to slow down.  Nurture ourselves and our family.  Taking time to take care of ourselves and the ones we love becomes number one.  We need reminders to slow down.  Granted they aren’t convenient, but we have to remember to take care and be proud of the progress we’ve made.  

So while I wasn’t able to make exactly what I planned, it was a reminder to slow down and really process what was happening around me.  I had been asking for time to examine what I’m really driving for and what I really need to focus on—and maybe this was the way to do it.  It was a reminder to focus on the physical and not on the cerebral.  Sometimes the answers are found right in front of our face and not in our minds—it’s learning to discern what you really need.  Give space for what you really need.  It will all come together as you need it.

Today I am grateful to give into a little sloth.  My body has been craving rest on an unusual level and I don’t know if I’m fighting a cold, but I slept in until 7AM today and took a nap at 12:30PM.  It felt great.  There are times when you absolutely need to listen to what your body is telling you, not to mention your mind.  I’ve been stressed and trying to find any way out of it, and what I really needed was to stop and feel my way through it to identify the source of the need for constant movement.  I had to sit with the fear and the discomfort and yes, I had to let go of my need to control, and let my body and mind get what they needed.

Today I am grateful for a little playfulness.  I spent some time connecting with my son again and playing with his favorite tactile action figures.  He asked me to slide down the stairs on my butt with him and we laughed so hard…and my son looked at me and said, “I love it when you laugh.”  My heart melted.  I guess the laughter has been a bit short to come by lately. We took a trip to the pet store to find some supplements for the dog.  I randomly bought her a cookie and seeing her eat it was hilarious.  We sat and watched the game together.  Just a bunch of mindless activities to disconnect from the swirling thoughts.

Today I am grateful for indulgence.  I’ve been stressed and restricting myself and then not eating the healthiest because I want something quick.  Today, I continued the theme of listening to my body and I gave into what I wanted.  And as it goes, when I gave in, the craving immediately went away.  Now, I’m not professing always giving in, but there IS a time for it.  When you’re stressed and not thinking straight, it doesn’t help to put additional pressure on yourself.

Today I am grateful to recalibrate and connect with myself.  Today is Mental Health Day and I’ve shared plenty of stories about my struggles with anxiety and self-harm.  Part of mental health is acceptance.  As challenging as it is because we have such a “normative” forcing/pushing society (meaning we are expected to all be “normal”), the more we discuss that the “norm” is really that everyone struggles at times, the more we can break the stigma and heal—and create a new norm.  I have accepted that I have struggles and that what is normal for me isn’t normal for everyone else.  I’ve taken time to rest, to nourish, to indulge, to perform self-care, and to be silly.  THAT is what I needed today. 

Today I am grateful for taking the next steps in my life emotionally.  I’ve been fighting with my husband quite a bit lately because I’ve been spinning stories about how he is and how he feels about me in my head.  I was honestly close to calling it quits.  I had a major breakthrough yesterday (the anniversary of my grandmother’s birth) and recognized that what I need isn’t necessarily fixing—it is healing.  In order for me to move forward, I have to heal.  That means honesty, no longer hiding who I am and what I want, it means releasing guilt over what I want.  It means being authentic at all times.  And it means not putting my issues on other people or being dependent on others to fulfill my lack.

Today I am grateful to check myself.  Part of the breakthrough is understanding what is mine and what isn’t.  For example, I’ve been afraid of “disappointing” my boss again in spite of knowing that it was inappropriate for her to say that in the first place.  I’m concerned because my son is sick and I don’t want to have to call out tomorrow.  But I have decided that I can no longer carry that burden—I need to make sure my son is ok and I need to do what is right for my family—and for myself. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.      

Myliek Teele gave an Instagram live on directing our own lives where she discussed deciding what we wanted and acting in accordance with that.  She gave real examples like, if you don’t want to get up early, don’t apply for a job that starts at 7am.  It’s ok to acknowledge who we are and what we want and we have more power than we think to shape our lives as we see fit.  In fact, that is exactly what we need to do if we expect to be happy doing what we are doing.  If there is a particular lifestyle you want, then yes, you need to do what it takes to achieve that and it may require some sacrifices.  But if there are things you really can’t live with, then don’t force yourself to do them.  Learn the difference between the perception you’re trying to give versus the life you’re trying to live—and close the gap.   

For example, I looked at what is happening in my life right now.  I’m still recovering from a near breakdown and looking at what happened both at work and with my husband.  On top of that still balancing managing multiple departments, my son’s schedule, and my own business.  Now, I know this isn’t unique and it isn’t even unique that I’m doing it on my own.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t a struggle while you’re in it or that it doesn’t take a minute (or a month) to gather your bearings.  For me, the first thing I’m working on is recognizing that I don’t need to apologize for what is happening in my life.  As I said, I’m not the first person to go through this so why should it be a problem for others because I’m the one going through them?  They will deal with it.  The expectations on me are unrealistic.  I’ve learned where I do need to step up, yes, but I’m one person and if it comes to protecting my energy or taking care of my family over giving my time to someone else, I will take my energy EVERY time.  I’m realizing the most precious things to me outside of my family are my time and my freedom.  I will not get that doing what I’m doing now.

I’m so glad I listened to that podcast because it put it in perspective for me.  Not everyone needs to achieve corporate success to be successful.  Not everyone leads in the same way—and that doesn’t make them wrong.  People have different needs and wants and goals and it is up to them to protect them, to work for them because no one will just give it to them.  If you’re not clear with your time or boundaries, you will end up working toward someone else’s goals over your own. 

We have options, we have opportunities, and we are not trees.   The system wants us to forget this so we stay cogs feeding something we know is broken.  Reclaim your power.  Not power over others, but power over yourself.  Power over your time.  Power over what you do with your life.  How you spend your energy guides what happens to you so redefine what is wasting your time.  If you “have” to go out for a corporate dinner that takes you away from your family and the bill comes out of your pocket and you get no return for it, then that was a waste.  But if that dinner can set you up for the next 30 years in a way you want, then absolutely go for it.  If you want time with your children, then don’t take a job that extends you beyond the time you’re comfortable being apart.  I’m not naïve, I know it isn’t always easy, but there are ways.  And as I’ve said before,  even though we compare movement to trees being still, even the trees change their leaves.  And we are in the perfect season for that reminder.     

I want to close this with one last reminder.  We don’t need permission.  We are so trained to wait for the right time and to make sure that our moves won’t inconvenience someone else.  Two things: 1. When it comes to the corporate world, they don’t give a damn if THEIR choices inconvenience you.  If something isn’t a good fit, they cut it out.  2. No one will ever tell you when the right time is because as long as you’re serving their purpose, they have no benefit to “let” you work on yours.  We don’t need permission, we need to remove blocks and that is all on us.  We need boundaries.  We need empowerment.  We need to trust ourselves again because we know this isn’t working.  Take back your life and build it to be every bit as magical as you want it to be.

“That move you’re scared to make might just be the one,” via ecommercementor.  Fear ALWAYS shows itself when we venture out into a new life.  There is the unknown, the loss of familiarity, the uncertainty of what comes next and whether or not you are prepared for it.  But a lot of that fear comes because we are taught to ignore our instincts in favor of the “norm” and what is considered a safe move.  I am still straddling that world between what I know I need to do and what I’m told I need to do because I bought in for a long time.  I’m a consumer, I like things, and I put my anxiety towards acquiring things to make my nest “complete” and safe—and it took me a long time to see that trap.  I settled for people around me because I was lonely and I played the game of having to look like I had it together (job, house, car, husband, kid, clothes etc.) in order to fit in. 

The truth is, I still didn’t fit in.  My gut and my heart and my head all started recognizing that this wasn’t it for me.  The more I resisted and tried to persist in building what I thought my life should look like over what I really wanted, the more confused I became.  I was doing exactly what I was supposed to, I was following the formula, and still NOT getting the results I was promised for the effort.  And then more and more was being demanded of me.  The more effort I put in, the less return I got.  And then the voice of discomfort and indignance got louder and louder.  I was spending my time doing all of this stuff and still miserable—why wasn’t I taking the time to do what I want?  Sure, I could still fail, but at least I’d be failing at something that meant something instead of wasting my time failing at things that in my heart I didn’t believe in.

At work, we were obligated to assist with a big project related to the mandatory COVID testing/vaccinations for employees (I’m in healthcare for my 9-5).  I wasn’t thrilled about it and I knew I shouldn’t be spending my time doing it because I’m over three other really lean departments—one of them only has one employee currently and the other only has four so if they need me I’m the only one to fill in.  So, I have my work, I need to be ready to fill in for my areas, and now I’m also being pulled to another department’s project.  On top of my schedule being adjusted for my son.  Regardless, I did what I was told.  I went to the training for registration, I literally followed every step given to me, and my access was denied.  I literally couldn’t get beyond a certain point because of my job security.  I have three people from IT, my director, and a lab manager all watching this as I’m demonstrating the workflow, and they ALL see I’m being blocked—and no one can figure it out.  They give me a work around, something different than EVERYONE else—and then that stopped working. 

That is when it really hit me: I have spent my life doing exactly as I’m told and it isn’t working.  HOLY SHIT: I’M NOT MEANT TO DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING. It rarely works out for me and it never works out as it’s “supposed” to, so why do I keep doing it?!  I’m meant to forge a new path.  I need to break out and do what works for me.  What is right for me.  It doesn’t matter anymore, their opinions, their expectations, their disappointment in me.  I’ve been clinging to the belief I need to DO what is “right” when in reality, I need to MAKE what is right for me.  That instinct isn’t to be ignored any longer.

In spite of any fear or any logical reason I can think of to keep following the path, the truth is it ISN’T WORKING.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.  As I’m educating myself about other opportunities and possibilities, as I’m getting clearer on what I want for myself, as I’m questioning the way things are and what they can be, that voice of discontent is screaming—and the voice of instinct to do something else is getting louder and louder as well.  I know that even if it’s scary, I need to take the leap into the unknown—the rest of the way.  I’ve been taking small leaps, leaps from levels that I can see so I know where I’m landing.  When I get there I make sure all is well around me before taking the next one—but that isn’t working anymore either.  I need to jump completely into the unknown.  I know the direction, I can trust that is where I’m supposed to go and that I will get where I’m meant to.  So forget the fear and make the move.          

“People will provoke you until they bring out your ugly side, then play victim when you go there,” via theuniversehasyourback.  This is the perfect follow up to the talk about manipulation.  I bring this up because it seems more and more prevalent in the world and it is particularly prevalent in my life right now.  This behavior in particular is gaslighting.  I’m sure we’ve all experienced it before.  You know, the comments said as “jokes” that are really targeted at things you perceive as your weakness or the vulnerable things you’ve shared with people.  When it comes to choosing the energy that we keep around us, this is the first to examine. 

I’m an overly communicative person so I overshare what I need, but most people struggle to express what they are really thinking/feeling/needing in the moment.  It’s mostly in those moments when they are seeking attention, or when they are mad at themselves, or when they are bored, jealous, unsure of themselves that they go for the easy target.  (Unfortunately we often become the target for those closest to us because it’s easy access—and those are the ones that can hurt the most.)  Behind every “joke” there is some truth and when someone uses that to exploit our vulnerability, not only is it a jerk move, it creates a wound in us.  It’s a breaking of trust.  Anyone who uses what we share or what they know we struggle with against us isn’t the type of energy we want around.

The other side of this is when we set boundaries with people who are used to having access to us.  It doesn’t matter if it’s at work or at home or with friends, when we stop providing what they are used to getting from us , they turn the story around to talk about our selfishness.  In reality we are protecting our energy.  If we don’t protect our energy, people will take as much of it as we let slip through.  We become the bad guy when we stop allowing people to take advantage or when we stop making it easy for people to behave a certain way. 

For example, I mentioned the story about work the other day when my boss said she was “disappointed in my actions.”  The full story is that I worked an 11.5 hour day and left because 1. I was exhausted 2. The case we were working on couldn’t go any further in my mind and I had already provided the information requested.  I could have outright told her I was leaving, yes, but I shouldn’t have to ask permission to go after putting in that many hours on salary when it was an issue SHE was having with the paperwork, not me—my part was done. 

Another example was when I came home and my husband was cleaning irately—and I mean that.  He was absolutely furious that he was cleaning.  Now, first and foremost there are three of us in the house and there is no reason that should all fall on one person—namely me as I’m normally the one to do all of it.  I’ve been struggling lately so I have fallen behind.  But I’m also taking care of all of our animals (I feed them every day, clean the litter boxes every day, let the dog out, pay for vet appointments etc.), I get our son ready for the day every day, my work schedule adapted so I could take him to school, I work a minimum of eight hours every day and I’m working on my side business as well—so the cleaning fell to the wayside for a couple of weeks.  I’m not happy about letting it go but all of the major messes and physical dirtiness ARE cleaned every day—by ME.  He normally works about five to six hours a day and gets paid for eight, picks up our kid, watches TV or tinkers with the boat, or bullshits with the neighbors for a few hours.  So you can see where there is a little imbalance.  So when he started expressing how tired he was about living in a pig stye, I got pissed.  His response was, “You can’t handle it when I get angry or off-balance.”  My response was, “I can’t handle it when you can’t explain why you’re angry.”  I KNOW I do more than enough.  I KNOW what equity looks like.  I KNOW what laziness looks like—so do not take your shit out on me and then blame me for setting the boundary to not carry that.

I share that last story as an example of when people close to us are dealing with their inadequacies or insecurities they take it out on us.  I took both the circumstance with my boss and my husband very personally at first.  And then it hit me how inappropriate both circumstances were.  1. My boss saying she was “disappointed” in me as if I were her 14 year old child when she easily could have picked up the phone to get her questions answered is demeaning.  I’m not your daughter and when it comes to my family, I WILL set the boundary about how much time I put in here.  2. My husband is a fully capable, grown man, who needs to learn to manage his time.  That ISN’T on me.  I’ve spent nearly 20 years delaying things I want to do in order to keep us afloat so if I’m going to dedicate my time to building something for myself, he gets no say in that any longer.  I wrote a piece a while back about disappointing people when you start doing what is right for you.  I stick by what I said—disappoint them every time.  For those who get mad about you stopping their gaslighting—let them go.  You don’t need manipulation or disrespect in your life.  You have dreams to build.  Cut the cord.                  

“Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their disrespect,” via peacefulmindpeacefullife.  Shortly after the argument about my husband’s true feelings, we discussed whether or not that was the truth.  It was actually a really good conversation.  We were both level and calm and discussing what happened and what it meant.  But there was a point where I could see he literally didn’t understand why I was so upset.  He didn’t see any correlation between what he said and how I felt.  I know that we shouldn’t allow people to have that much control over our emotions, but it’s inevitable when you have a long standing relationship.  It also feels like a lie because when you’re together, all seems fine.  But then a comment is made and suddenly that veil slips a bit.  Now you don’t know up from down.

This go around was different in that I would not let my husband feign innocence in this.  He was absolutely trying to manipulate me into believing that it was only in my head and that he didn’t mean anything.  That it was me putting meaning on things that weren’t there.  To that I say actions speak louder than words.  You’re telling me you really don’t believe what you said—but you said it.  You spend your time with friends and they call their wives to check in and you didn’t call me in spite of being an ass the day before.  The wives didn’t invite me with them because I have a young kid and one of them really can’t stand that.  That isn’t me imagining being excluded—that is me being excluded.  And then to tell me that I’m imagining things or that I shouldn’t feel that way—that is manipulation and gaslighting. 

I will fully acknowledge my sensitivity has been on high—I’ve been talking about that for a while now.  I really even tried to take it on and chalk it up to my ego.  Like, oh damn, here we go again, not being invited to the party…yet they all want my help when they need something.  The rest of the time is all making fun of me and poking the bear and saying I’m sensitive with no accounting for their actions and words.  The truth is you can’t waddle like a duck and quack like a duck and tell me you’re not a duck.  Don’t insult my intelligence like that.  You don’t have to like me.  But don’t treat me like crap and then blame me for shutting down or feeling disrespected and then calling you on it.    

We all deserve respect and if we aren’t getting the bare minimum in any relationship, it’s time to move on.  Yes, you need to make the distinction between actual disrespect and something else.  The intention behind it is huge.  Watching someone make a choice to hurt you when you’ve clearly expressed boundaries and concern about it is the epitome of disrespect.  That isn’t funny and that isn’t something that needs to be tolerated.  Someone exposing your vulnerabilities to the group for a laugh is disrespect.  Intentionally hiding your real purpose with someone and then saying they’re crazy for being upset is disrespect.  No one needs to stick around for that.  No one deserves that.  And you are NOT crazy.  So be who you are and walk away when needed.  You will find your tribe.

I want to follow up on yesterday’s post.  Again, I’ve been hyper-sensitive and emotional lately and not feeling really supported.  But as I thought through things, I realized that the comments made by my husband and son hurt me because I took them to heart.  And then I realized that I took them to heart because I felt a kind of truth in it.  So the full story is simple.  We were with some friends and they were completely joking about a situation we have with a neighbor.  I told them to contact the city rather than incurring any liability on themselves and one person off-handedly said, “You don’t have to be a party pooper.”  Again, that part was in jest.  Without missing a beat, my husband said, “That’s just who she is.”  I felt like he slapped me.  I’ve spent years cleaning up after him, watching him get into messes I’ve begged him to avoid, finding ways to support us through everything, bearing the sole financial responsibility.  And this is how he views me.  The truth. 

As I mentioned above, it took it to heart so much because I felt the truth of it myself.  I’ve spent a lot of years proving myself, that I could be serious.  I’m short and cute and look more like your kid sister than your boss and it’s very easy for people to mistake my role if I’m not “on” 100% of the time.  Hell, even in the middle of meetings I’ve had people space out or completely change the subject.  I’ve done complete presentations, innovative and professional and the only take away is “She’s so tiny,” only to have the idea implemented later by someone else.  My confidence is still not high—and if it is, it’s incredibly fragile.  But the point is somewhere between we behave how we feel about ourselves and people respond accordingly and sometimes you can simply be at the wrong address.  Your power, who you are is great, it’s just not for the people you’re with.

I’ve been in a cage running around simultaneously looking for an escape and trying to please people.  Burying myself under the pressure of proving my worth.  I’ve spent so much time angry because people haven’t received me as I see myself.  No matter what I do, I’m the short girl.  I can be standing in a room screaming the message and all they see is the tiny one making a fuss again.  But how people see us is something none of us will ever have any control over.  How people see us is a reflection of their experiences and their interpretation.  Logically that doesn’t bother me in the slightest.  But emotionally, mentally when you’re trying to accomplish something and it feels like everyone misses the point and they even take your ideas into something of their own, it hurts.  And when you support someone through everything and they turn around and call you a drag, that is being used at its finest.      

The good news about being this low is that the truth has been revealed and that shifts reality.  That is a place I can work from.  I can make changes from there.  I can take steps from there.  And, after 20 years of being with someone, there are always bumps in the road, but now I can make a different decision.  I am no longer interested in making myself what other people expect of me.  I may feel like a million different people depending on the moment, but I am not.  I am singular, I am me.  I have gifts that need to be shared and work that I love to do.  I have one shot, the same as anyone else, and I deserve it the same as anyone else.  I’m not here for your convenience, I’m here because I deserve to be.  The sooner I can take that on, the sooner this confusion goes away.

Things change on a dime all the time, my friends.  Often in unexpected ways.  We can’t make people see things our way and we can’t even make them see the things THEY DID in our way.  They have to have a level of self-awareness to understand how their actions impact other people and if they don’t have that, then they won’t be able to co create on the same level.  Even with decades spent together, things evolve and we have to let them be.  We have to let go of what we thought we knew, of who we thought we wanted to be, of memories made…and it hurts.  But it is all in the sake of moving forward.  And tearing the band-aid off is often the most painful part, but once that happens, the healing can move to the next level.  We don’t need the safety of the cover any longer, we are strong enough to take care of it on our own.

“I refuse to water myself down—what you see is what you get,” via manifestinglord.  Words are powerful things.  We don’t always realize that because we’ve grown careless with them in our society.  We sling words from behind keyboards, or we talk about nothing when our minds are full of everything, never really saying what we need to.  And words are magic, with the ability to turn nothing into everything.  How we speak can shift the meaning and change what we are saying as much as the words themselves.  They can uplift or destroy, one as easily as the other, and just as quickly. 

The people we love the most can also hurt us the most.  We have an emotional attachment and investment in the relationship and we tend to take for granted that other person’s presence.  We can become a dumping ground for the difficult things that happen.  Sometimes we don’t appreciate everything someone does for us and they don’t always appreciate us either.  And then there are issues with understanding in general relationships as well. 

I’ve been hyper-sensitive to everything lately, and acutely aware of other people’s perceptions of me.  They say that other people’s opinions of us are none of our business, but it’s really painful to me when the layers start to drop and I see how those I love, the people who I’d do anything for really feel about me, or what they actually think about me.  I’ve given an entire lifetime to those I love and I still get to hear about my controlling nature.  I’ve been controlling because I’ve been responsible for cleaning up your messes my whole life—and I got tired of it.  So it was easier to try and prevent the mess from happening in the first place.  I’m tired of people being disappointed in me, in claiming that what I do is never enough, or that I’m just bossy.  That is a tough blow, especially when your energy has been devoted to giving them what they want and there’s minimal reciprocity anyway.

So when it comes to watering myself down, this is where I waver and where I hurt.  I agree with the sentiment.  I want to be who I am and I want to be loved and appreciated.  And for the record, that is part of what hurts the most; I’ve been looking for love my whole life (we all are) and I’ve been met with nothing but conditions and dismissals at first glance, only kept around for what I can give.  If I were gentler with my approach and made myself a doormat I know I’d be miserable too.  But this isn’t serving either because I’m still not welcome in my own life.  Is that ego?  And why do those opinions matter to me SO much?

I think when you invest time in people and you really give them all of your energy and heart, it hurts more when your heart gets stomped on.  It hurts when the actions you did for the good of everyone are misconstrued.  I don’t want to water down the message, I don’t want to water down my purpose.  But I’m afraid of what that means.  So it’s time to find the balance, and that may mean finding a new tribe.  Releasing what no longer serves.  Taking that first step alone is terrifying.  But it may be necessary to save who I really am.  There is no taste in watered-down anything.  Life is meant to be lived, and while it hurts finding your path and your place sometimes, it is always worth it.  I’m working on taking those steps myself.  If I can do it, so can you. I don’t need to be anything other than who I am–I come AS IS.

Today I am grateful for breakthrough.  I’ve realized how much pressure I’ve put on myself to be and do all the things.  To be the greatest, to do the most, to do it all at once.  And I’ve been miserable.  I’ve realized it is NOT normal to continually say yes and take things on that don’t belong to you.  It is not normal to give up more of your personal life for a corporation in exchange for…NOTHING.  There is no point in having a title if it doesn’t change the circumstances or if you’re not allowed to do some good with it.  We don’t need more power, we need more freedom.  We don’t need permission, we need empowerment.  In spite of this last emotional breakdown, I am glad to see these truths on the other side.  Getting clear on what is important is the first step toward what you want.

Today I am grateful for release.  Well, naturally along with breakthrough comes release.  It genuinely feels like a weight has been lifted off of me.  I’ve forgotten how to be spontaneous and how to laugh.  Not that we haven’t had spontaneous moments (I’ve written about quite a few of them over the weeks), but that isn’t being spontaneous or joyful.  That was more like life leaking through the façade and I let a few happy moments in.  Life is meant to be happy.  It is meant to be lived with ease.  Not that it is easy but that we all have a natural rhythm and flow and THAT is what creates the ease.  When we go against it, that is when the struggle hits.  And I’ve been fighting an uphill battle for a while. 

Today I am grateful for where I am.  When you’re trying to balance all the things of life, you often forget where you are.  It gets overwhelming and disorienting and incredibly draining.  You constantly move with no gain and there comes a point where you just have to stop.  So for today, I’m stopping.  I’m evaluating what needs to be done in my life and what steps I legitimately want to take.  I’m looking at who I want to be.  I’m looking at the life I want to create.  And I’m making the choice to go for the option that supports that.    

Today I am grateful for options.  It took me a while but I realized that the struggle with my emotions (at least in part) was due to the fact that I felt trapped.  We all get overwhelmed and we all start to feel like we have limited options in one capacity or another and it felt like I was drowning for a minute.  I had to stop thrashing about long enough to settle and really gather my bearings.  To really see what I COULD do.  I still feel overwhelmed with the choices that need to be made, but I am SO grateful that I at least have the options to make a choice. 

Today I am grateful for the reminder that life is what we make it.  With the reclaiming of time, personal power, and realizing that I have options comes the next logical step: architect what I do want.  It’s a topic I talk about often and I fully believe in it.  But when we go back and look at how we are straddling two worlds, sometimes we fall into old patterns.  We ALWAYS have the option to start again, to say no, to say yes, to choose again, to choose differently—and we have the ability to do all of that without regret.  IF that is what we want to do, then DO it.  The things that don’t fit, let them go.  The toxic people who make you feel like a burden/don’t appreciate you, let them go.  The fears that you’re letting the world down, let them go.  All of that weight you release on behalf of people who wouldn’t lift a cotton ball for you lets you fly.  Let them down and lift yourself up—every time, over and over again. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I had to trim my Pothos the other day.  The plant was getting really “leggy,” meaning the length of the vine from the first leaf to the source was getting too long.  The leaves were turning yellow and it just wasn’t as happy as it could be.  So I got some cups of water and my shears, and I did the deed.  I thought I killed it at the first cut.  I didn’t have any reason to doubt myself, I’ve trimmed plants before.  It’s just a nerve wracking moment when you’re trying to keep a plant alive and you think you did more damage than good.  Regardless, as I was in the middle of plant rescue, something hit me: as I was putting the trimmed limbs in water, letting them get ready to sprout, I realized that sometimes creating the separation and providing fresh water to each section saves the whole.     

The same can be said of life.  When we hold on too long and can’t let the past rest, life gets a little leggy where we aren’t quite getting what we need out of it.  It doesn’t thrive as well and we start losing some of the main points of what we’re doing here.  Sometimes it’s simply too many leaves or things tied together and we get caught on the mundane details or on the fact that we’ve taken on too much.  Sometimes it just gets too heavy with all of the life we have behind us.  Not that we don’t want it, but we don’t need to carry it forward.  Creating separation in life and focusing on a few small details at once creates a much healthier existence.

In order to thrive in a meaningful way, we need to create this type of balance.  We can’t let things get so leggy that they start to die.  It’s much healthier to focus on one thing at a time.  For someone like me with anxiety, that is easier said than done.  If I’m not working toward a million things at once, the sky will surely fall.  My logical brain knows that is crap but the emotional brain doesn’t.  So convincing myself to let go and to know when to let things leave is really challenging.  I get afraid that cutting one thing off means the death rather than an opportunity to be reborn in fresh water.  The reality is it’s giving space to what needs attention.  The rest will fall into place. 

So, how can you pick and choose what to cut?  Well, that’s a matter of your priorities.  What is going to make you thrive?  What is going to push you forward? Just because you can’t do it all right now doesn’t mean you can’t do it all.  There is just a time and place for everything.  Trust that you will know what to do when the time is right.  Sometimes cutting that limb and allowing it to sprout anew gives it the strength it wouldn’t have had if you continued to bend it as it was.  Sometimes that fresh cut opens an opportunity you didn’t see.  After that first cut you may find yourself asking, “What have I done?!” in panic…but after time, you realize it’s a natural part of life. So trim what you must boldly and without fear, plant the pieces you need, and have faith that the life you’re working toward will take root in the seeds you plant and the limbs you put in water.