As IS

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“I refuse to water myself down—what you see is what you get,” via manifestinglord.  Words are powerful things.  We don’t always realize that because we’ve grown careless with them in our society.  We sling words from behind keyboards, or we talk about nothing when our minds are full of everything, never really saying what we need to.  And words are magic, with the ability to turn nothing into everything.  How we speak can shift the meaning and change what we are saying as much as the words themselves.  They can uplift or destroy, one as easily as the other, and just as quickly. 

The people we love the most can also hurt us the most.  We have an emotional attachment and investment in the relationship and we tend to take for granted that other person’s presence.  We can become a dumping ground for the difficult things that happen.  Sometimes we don’t appreciate everything someone does for us and they don’t always appreciate us either.  And then there are issues with understanding in general relationships as well. 

I’ve been hyper-sensitive to everything lately, and acutely aware of other people’s perceptions of me.  They say that other people’s opinions of us are none of our business, but it’s really painful to me when the layers start to drop and I see how those I love, the people who I’d do anything for really feel about me, or what they actually think about me.  I’ve given an entire lifetime to those I love and I still get to hear about my controlling nature.  I’ve been controlling because I’ve been responsible for cleaning up your messes my whole life—and I got tired of it.  So it was easier to try and prevent the mess from happening in the first place.  I’m tired of people being disappointed in me, in claiming that what I do is never enough, or that I’m just bossy.  That is a tough blow, especially when your energy has been devoted to giving them what they want and there’s minimal reciprocity anyway.

So when it comes to watering myself down, this is where I waver and where I hurt.  I agree with the sentiment.  I want to be who I am and I want to be loved and appreciated.  And for the record, that is part of what hurts the most; I’ve been looking for love my whole life (we all are) and I’ve been met with nothing but conditions and dismissals at first glance, only kept around for what I can give.  If I were gentler with my approach and made myself a doormat I know I’d be miserable too.  But this isn’t serving either because I’m still not welcome in my own life.  Is that ego?  And why do those opinions matter to me SO much?

I think when you invest time in people and you really give them all of your energy and heart, it hurts more when your heart gets stomped on.  It hurts when the actions you did for the good of everyone are misconstrued.  I don’t want to water down the message, I don’t want to water down my purpose.  But I’m afraid of what that means.  So it’s time to find the balance, and that may mean finding a new tribe.  Releasing what no longer serves.  Taking that first step alone is terrifying.  But it may be necessary to save who I really am.  There is no taste in watered-down anything.  Life is meant to be lived, and while it hurts finding your path and your place sometimes, it is always worth it.  I’m working on taking those steps myself.  If I can do it, so can you. I don’t need to be anything other than who I am–I come AS IS.

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