Instinct and Movement

Photo by Sami Anas on

“That move you’re scared to make might just be the one,” via ecommercementor.  Fear ALWAYS shows itself when we venture out into a new life.  There is the unknown, the loss of familiarity, the uncertainty of what comes next and whether or not you are prepared for it.  But a lot of that fear comes because we are taught to ignore our instincts in favor of the “norm” and what is considered a safe move.  I am still straddling that world between what I know I need to do and what I’m told I need to do because I bought in for a long time.  I’m a consumer, I like things, and I put my anxiety towards acquiring things to make my nest “complete” and safe—and it took me a long time to see that trap.  I settled for people around me because I was lonely and I played the game of having to look like I had it together (job, house, car, husband, kid, clothes etc.) in order to fit in. 

The truth is, I still didn’t fit in.  My gut and my heart and my head all started recognizing that this wasn’t it for me.  The more I resisted and tried to persist in building what I thought my life should look like over what I really wanted, the more confused I became.  I was doing exactly what I was supposed to, I was following the formula, and still NOT getting the results I was promised for the effort.  And then more and more was being demanded of me.  The more effort I put in, the less return I got.  And then the voice of discomfort and indignance got louder and louder.  I was spending my time doing all of this stuff and still miserable—why wasn’t I taking the time to do what I want?  Sure, I could still fail, but at least I’d be failing at something that meant something instead of wasting my time failing at things that in my heart I didn’t believe in.

At work, we were obligated to assist with a big project related to the mandatory COVID testing/vaccinations for employees (I’m in healthcare for my 9-5).  I wasn’t thrilled about it and I knew I shouldn’t be spending my time doing it because I’m over three other really lean departments—one of them only has one employee currently and the other only has four so if they need me I’m the only one to fill in.  So, I have my work, I need to be ready to fill in for my areas, and now I’m also being pulled to another department’s project.  On top of my schedule being adjusted for my son.  Regardless, I did what I was told.  I went to the training for registration, I literally followed every step given to me, and my access was denied.  I literally couldn’t get beyond a certain point because of my job security.  I have three people from IT, my director, and a lab manager all watching this as I’m demonstrating the workflow, and they ALL see I’m being blocked—and no one can figure it out.  They give me a work around, something different than EVERYONE else—and then that stopped working. 

That is when it really hit me: I have spent my life doing exactly as I’m told and it isn’t working.  HOLY SHIT: I’M NOT MEANT TO DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING. It rarely works out for me and it never works out as it’s “supposed” to, so why do I keep doing it?!  I’m meant to forge a new path.  I need to break out and do what works for me.  What is right for me.  It doesn’t matter anymore, their opinions, their expectations, their disappointment in me.  I’ve been clinging to the belief I need to DO what is “right” when in reality, I need to MAKE what is right for me.  That instinct isn’t to be ignored any longer.

In spite of any fear or any logical reason I can think of to keep following the path, the truth is it ISN’T WORKING.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.  As I’m educating myself about other opportunities and possibilities, as I’m getting clearer on what I want for myself, as I’m questioning the way things are and what they can be, that voice of discontent is screaming—and the voice of instinct to do something else is getting louder and louder as well.  I know that even if it’s scary, I need to take the leap into the unknown—the rest of the way.  I’ve been taking small leaps, leaps from levels that I can see so I know where I’m landing.  When I get there I make sure all is well around me before taking the next one—but that isn’t working anymore either.  I need to jump completely into the unknown.  I know the direction, I can trust that is where I’m supposed to go and that I will get where I’m meant to.  So forget the fear and make the move.          

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