Daily Grind

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“Look at your daily habits and ask yourself if they are causing you to evolve or revolve.  Are you moving forward, or just moving in circles?”  This is such an important distinction.  I’ve spoken a lot about the difference between activity and productivity and I’ve had to reevaluate that recently.  I found myself repeating most days recently and it didn’t feel the greatest.  I was on autopilot trying to get through each day and I saw how dangerous that can be.  It felt stifling and heavy and everything felt like an obligation. 

There are times for everything, and I was quite literally trying to survive for a while there.  I had no choice but to do what I needed to in order to get through the day.  I am grateful I did get through it and I am grateful that I can redirect and shift my habits toward something more productive for myself.  I am choosing to do something differently.  Taking care of my health means addressing everything from my physical health to my mental health as well as my spiritual health.  I’m able to get back in the habit of pulling cards in the morning to center myself.  I’m also able to do some light stretching in the morning to move my body a bit again.  It sets me up for the day.

Beyond that, I’m looking at how I’ve been approaching the rest of my day.  I’ve been making more time for the things I want to do like my writing and spending time with my son.  And I’ve been making the effort to be more present when I’m doing something.  There are moments I struggle with paying attention and with doing one thing at a time so slowing down helps me stay focused and in the moment. 

Sometimes there are wrenches thrown at us that we don’t anticipate—we don’t even see them coming.  But those wrenches have the ability to show us exactly what we need to do.  It doesn’t always take a crisis to show us what we need to do.  Even if you’re just stuck in a rut, that can show us what we need to do.  Sometimes when things don’t feel right they can lead us toward what does.  Every day is a new start and if you’re not sure where to begin, look at the good you can do.  We always have a chance to do something good for others and for ourselves—and to do something good for ourselves by helping others.  We start by look at our habits.      

Mind First

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“Everything in life starts with your mindset first and your actions second.  Your actions follow your thoughts, your beliefs and ideas.  To make a shift, to free your energy, start with getting your mind right, and then take action,” Sylvester McNutt III.  Over the last couple of months, there were many moments I wasn’t sure I was going go survive.  I didn’t know if I could endure one more thing.  That was just the physical component.  I waged a mental war on myself every day, hoping I would feel better, knowing I wouldn’t but not knowing how to resolve the situation.  Feeling like everything was my fault.  It became more and more evident that the moment I had hoped would be beautiful and provide some completion for my family was not meant to be. 

In all of that, I am grateful for my body because I genuinely had intuition that something was wrong from the beginning.  Even though we had been trying to have another child for some time, the hope I had could not outweigh the reality of the situation.  I have intense moments where I still feel guilty but I also have this sense of understanding that it all played out how it was supposed to.  I feel conflicted most days, and honestly, the guilt and the peace can come at different times in the same day.    

What I’ve learned is that moving forward is all about perspective.  Like McNutt says, “Everything in life starts with your mindset first.”  I’ve wanted to bury myself in my bed but my life doesn’t allow for that—and that’s a good thing.  I have a son to look after, a house to take care of, a husband who has also been affected by all of this, teams to manage, my personal goals to work on.  Letting this moment define me would be a death trap.  A life sentence of rehashing things I will never know—the what-ifs and the should haves.  None of that matters.  What matters is what IS.  And I am beyond grateful that I was able to recognize what a terrible mindset I was in. 

I’m more grateful that I was able to recognize how much good there still is.  How much beauty.  How precious life really is.  How fragile it is.  How important it is to respect and appreciate the time we’re given.  I saw my husband step up in ways I never thought he was capable.  My body withstood unimaginable trauma day after day for almost two months.  My mind endured the trauma of trying to keep some semblance of normalcy with managing my home, my family, and work—and I had many moments of feeling like a failure—all while dealing with love and loss and the possibility of losing my own life in addition to my child.  I still managed to pull through.  The mind drives the ship and mine took me through some dark places.  Not that I am entirely the same, but it pulled me through.

I’ve changed a lot over the last eight weeks.  I see the actions I need to take.  I see where talk is cheap and how I need to act on the things I want.  I see now just how much I am capable of.  I see how important it is to not take that for granted.  I see how blessed I am.  It is from that place where life begins.  Real life—not the bullshit we think we are supposed to do.  I see where I need to get my mind right and the people I can rely on to do that.  How I need to reach out for help.  I see how precious this life is.  One thing about being at your lowest is that your thoughts become crystal clear.  There is no doubt about what you hear at the bottom because it’s just you—there is no interference from anything.

Marie Forleo says, “Clarity comes from engagement, not thought.”  That is even more clear to me now as well.  We can spend our time theorizing or planning but we won’t get to the goal if we don’t act.  And for me, I need to make myself whole again so the rest can fall into place.  I used to think it was the opposite:  once things fall into place you feel better.  But that isn’t true.  You get clear through trial and error and learning what works for you.  It’s all about mindset and that is no joke.  Nearly losing it all helped me decide the actions I want to take next.  In spite of what it cost, I am grateful for that.  So welcome the possibility that you need a different perspective and that, sometimes, the things we think we can’t do are the very things that show us what we can do.  It all starts with you.    

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for decisions.  My husband and I have been working really hard at hearing each other out.  The last few months have been challenging for him as well and now that we are on the other side of it, we are working out what we want to do next.  I am really grateful that we are making the effort to work together because we have both been really fragile and I think we both needed to feel support again.  Specifically support from each other and working together has reinforced that for us.

Today I am grateful to look at things with new eyes.  I mentioned above that my husband had been having a hard time the last few months as well and I didn’t realize the extent to which things were weighing on him.  I’ve always known he struggles with expressing what he is really feeling—he tends to keep most of that inside—but the extremes we faced with my health and losing our child pushed him to the edge as well.  Just the fact that he opened up about being upset with the situation gave me pause and let me see his vulnerability.  He needed support as well.  I am so grateful to see that in him because it was his reality and he was able to share that so I could be present with him and not only in my head. 

Today I am grateful for reminders about how precious life is.  I’ve had an abundance of these reminders the last few weeks and it is enormous encouragement to continue on my path.  We never know what life is going to throw our way so I am grateful to garner confidence to do what works for me.   

Today I am grateful for learning.  I’ve invested in a lot of books over the last few weeks and I’ve enjoyed every one of them.  It feels so good to pick up on things I’ve been interested in and a few books I’ve been waiting to get.  I am grateful to do something for myself that expands my mind and my heart and feels good.

Today I am grateful for projects.  I feel this surge of energy to move forward with things around the house.  The timing is right for the next stage of our lives and to start working toward one of our goals—to get a single family home.  We’ve put a lot of things on pause so it feels good to make some progress toward what we want.    

Today I am grateful for reminders to stay in our truth.  Some issues have come up with a few of our neighbors and it has put us in an uncomfortable position.  I see that the person responsible for some of these issues has been struggling for the last year and is probably feeling completely out of control so they are trying to control anything around them.  For me it also serves as a reminder that we are not going to let someone bully us because they feel weak and we are on the right path.  We’ve outgrown this space and know what we want so we are going to stick with our truth and keep moving forward.  It just isn’t worth the fight.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Struggle and Success

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“I used to think that I had to struggle to succeed.  Now I know that true success is an inside job,” Gabby Bernstein.  Every day I looked for something shitty that happened.  I used to wallow in it.  I would relish the opportunity to use whatever negative thing that happened as an excuse to not do what I wanted.  Constantly the wounded victim, I created a cycle of trying something new only to watch it fall apart because of some horrible thing that happened.  Or if it wasn’t horrible, it was some unfortunate thing that prevented me from moving forward.  As much as I wanted to move forward, I realized that my comfort zone was dreaming…not doing.  Because the doing meant accountability and responsibility to keep it going.  If something stopped me, then I couldn’t go forward through no fault of my own.  It was a deceptively comforting story to tell myself.

Essentially I grew tired of the same bullshit story.  The desire to create and do something original and fulfilling for myself outgrew the need to be a victim.  That’s when this pattern hit me—I didn’t it to myself.  I went through a long phase of believing I needed to prove myself.  That the only way things we want come true was if we suffer for it.  I never believed success came easily.  There were times I felt the tide turning in my direction and I would bail because it felt too easy and I didn’t believe it was “my time.”  I did a lot of soul searching and I understand now that if it is meant for us, it will come—it really is that simple. 

I also learned that struggle is no indicator of success.  It has no bearing in determining where we end up.  I’m not saying that we don’t have to work—and sometimes work is a struggle—but making things unnecessarily difficult on ourselves will not get us where we want to be.  That’s martyr thinking.  And the thing with martyrs is they never get where they were meant to go.  Their sacrifice only serves to hurt them in the end.  I digress.  Changing the mindset around struggle clicked for me when I realized that if things seem to be flowing easily or happening quickly, it’s because of alignment.  It isn’t because the shoe will eventually drop.  Brene Brown talks about foreboding joy where when we feel hints of success we fear it because we believe something bad will happen because of our success. Sometimes our success is just the result of what we have done.  It is never a lure into something we were not meant to have and it isn’t a trap to punish us for something else.  Success is meant to be enjoyed.

When it comes to success being an inside job, Bernstein is talking about feeling worthy of the results of our work.  As a society we are used to letting people determine our worth—everything from what they pay us to their critique of the service/product whatever it may be.  When we know our own worth, setting those boundaries becomes much more comfortable.  We know we don’t have to struggle to prove our worth as that value isn’t tied to other people’s opinions.  We know we have a say in the result.  So find your alignment and go with the flow.  If you’re struggling, ask yourself how you can let go more, not how you can push more.  Do the work to set your boundaries and know your worth.  Nothing has to be a struggle—it’s all how you look at it. 

What is Anti-Social Anyway?

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“Anti-Social behavior is a trait of intelligence in a world full of conformists,” attributed to Nikola Tesla.  I simply found this quote an interesting commentary on social behavior.  I personally don’t believe our socialness is a mark of intelligence because there are so many facets to intelligence.  25 years ago Daniel Goleman discussed Emotional Intelligence and we are seeing now what a key factor that plays in success in life.  Academically successful people aren’t necessarily socially successful.  And socially successful people don’t always know the ins and outs of what needs to be done.  There is a fine balance that we are still trying to achieve.

Toward the end of Tesla’s life, he became increasingly reclusive so if this quote is his, I’m not sure he was in the right mind frame to take this with much faith.  The man was traumatized on a personal and professional level so his ideas regarding human social behavior may have been a bit skewed.  But even if it was a skewed judgement, it’s interesting nonetheless because Tesla remained astute and had spent much of his life alone working on ideas. 

I used to think being anti-social meant an intense dislike for people and avoiding them at all costs.  I see now it encompasses a dislike for small-talk or a discomfort with new social situations.  In those contexts, being anti-social may very well be beneficial as a choice in being where you want to be and with whom.  Not everyone will get along as not everyone holds the same ideals so a certain degree of selective settings suggests a self-awareness.  It is true that many people conform because they are afraid of what other people will think if they do something differently.  If you’re socially selective, none of that matters.

I actually prefer the term socially selective to anti-social because it seems the norm.  We can’t possibly be available for everything regardless, and not everyone will like us and vice versa.  So self-awareness is key and does suggest intelligence.  Knowing who supports us and what interests we have are traits that will push us in the right direction.  It takes a lot to stand firmly in our identities but that is when we feel best.  Not to mention sometimes we all need a break.  We need time away from stimulation and from other people’s energy.     

I’ve often been anti-social and I’ve often been wrong.  I’ve always been a bit socially awkward so there were many events I found myself avoiding because I assumed I wouldn’t like them.  After a bit of digging, I realized that I avoided a lot of things because I was afraid I wouldn’t be accepted.  So it wasn’t that I was necessarily anti-social, I was afraid of social situations.  Those tend to be the moments I wish I had learned to bolster my courage a bit more because often times saying “yes” teaches us we can do more than we think.  So be socially selective.  Make choices to do things that really interest you and really spark you.  Try new things but only if you feel they challenge you for a purpose.  Above all, let go of any concern about what people think.  This is your life—live it for you. 

Heart

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“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart.  So you’d better learn the sound of it.  Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying,” Sarah Dessen.  I’m guilty of not listening to my heart.  I’m guilty of pretending I couldn’t hear it.  I’m guilty of telling it to shut up because I had other things to do.  It left me lost and alone and feeling unfulfilled and unheard.  I never understood the importance of recognizing my own beat until very recently.  I found myself repeating other people’s stories rather than creating my own.  I felt like I wanted something for me, but I couldn’t shake the fear that I was unsupported.  I was raised with the idea that taking care of ourselves was a personal obligation—you don’t ask for help and if you fail you pick yourself up.  I was fortunate enough that my parents DID help me, but it was challenging to allow myself to try things when I knew I might fail.  So I often stuck with the book.

I’ve spoken a lot about that voice inside and I started feeling like a hypocrite once I realized how long I ignored mine.  I played it safe.  The entire first year of working on this blog I tried to fit it in after work.  If I missed days I would feel upset but I allowed myself to skip because I had other things to take care of—I had to work late, or my son needed my attention because my husband was video gaming.  Shifting this to a priority was uncomfortable at first because I felt like I didn’t have enough time.  Then I felt guilty making time for it because I felt like I was ignoring my family, especially my son.  And then I realized that this is more than just a little blog.  This is my outreach.  This is my connection.  This is my vulnerability sharing these stories with people who may resonate with them.  This is something I did for myself to be there for my family when it really mattered.  I needed to share these words for my own sanity.

I spent 36 years of my life doing what I was told and keeping that voice so silent I didn’t even know it could make a noise anymore.  But that voice is strong—and it never went away.  Rather than continue to listen to the monster replaying every mistake I ever made, I decided to listen to the inspiration telling me I couldn’t afford to not do what I wanted anymore.  That we have one shot and it’s time to do what made me happy because once I go to that place, I would be able to help those around me even more.  I could be even more present with my family. 

I realized how much more fulfilling it was to tell my own story rather than try to be a copy of someone else’s.  It’s also much easier.  I surprised myself.  I didn’t know how detailed I wanted to get on the personal side of things but I found myself sharing some of the deepest parts of me.  I found myself sharing things I’ve wanted to talk about for years.  I started to find my real voice because I listened to my inner voice.  That intuition is never wrong.

I’m sorry for all the years I ignored what my soul was trying to tell me.  I know on an intellectual level that things are meant to happen in their right time and that what is meant for us will never miss us.  It still hurts to think about the “what-ifs.”  What if I HAD listened earlier?  What if I hadn’t been so damn stubborn and just listened to what I really wanted?  What if I had been able to go with the flow more?  What if I hadn’t been so afraid?  What if I had said what I really wanted to do from the start?  The truth is none of that matters because what happened is what happened.  If it was meant to go another way, it would have.  And all of those moments that I let go by taught me not to waste another second more.  They taught me to slow down and listen.  They taught me that not everything is meant for me.  They taught me that I can try and fail and still try again—and that has no bearing on who we are, only on what we learn.  They taught me that perfection is a myth and that living in sync with what works for me is what matters.  I am grateful to hear, loud and clear, what I am meant to do now.  Trust me, take the time to find the beat of your own heart.            

Remember to Forget

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“The more we unlearn, the more we remember,” Dulce Ruby. How much have we been told about who we are that is not our own?  Things like we have to go to a certain school, get a certain job, make a certain amount of money, behave a certain way in public, buy a certain house, have a certain marriage to a certain type of person, and have a certain number of kids.  The beauty in learning about ourselves is that we learn to be ourselves. 

As we get closer to our purpose, the more we see how much of what we do isn’t what we want to do—it is what we were told to do.  We’ve perpetuated the same system with little thought as to why for centuries.  The good thing about a system that hasn’t evolved as we have is that we are starting to see the flaws—and they are getting more difficult for people to hide.  We can no longer pretend that the system serves us and we are understanding that we serve a system. 

It is our responsibility to continue to awaken and remember what we are here for.  Unlearning can be uncomfortable and even scary because we are often working from a place of unknown.  As creatures who seek answers, foresight, and closure, moving forward into an uncertain and unpredictable future is terrifying.  But moving into the unknown is what we have done for a millennium.  We’ve followed our curiosity to learn what works and what doesn’t.  We have lost touch with that curiosity in place of what we are told to do. 

Remembering is about letting go of all of those preconceived ideas we’ve been taught and putting faith in the creation of something new even if it isn’t tangible yet.  We have to trust in our ability to learn something new.  And we have to reinforce the idea of global impact.  We are moving into a new paradigm and this last year has shown how inextricably linked we all are.  This is the perfect time to dive in to make those changes.  To let go of the outmoded ideas we have been living in.

Unlearning is an opportunity to learn something new.  It all starts with paying attention to what we do without thinking every day.  We live so much of our lives on auto pilot—everything from hitting the snooze button to driving to work to drinking that extra cup of coffee to finishing the entire plate when we stopped being hungry half way through.  When we pay attention, we notice the patterns and we notice what doesn’t work—where we need to change.  We are meant to evolve and develop new systems.  We aren’t meant to repeat the same patterns forever, especially when they no longer serve.

If you’re unsure of where to start, pick up a new book.  Try a new food.  Take a new route to work.  Get out of bed without hitting snooze.  Try to shake things up a bit.  Get out of your routine and do something else.  There is a lot of life to live outside of your comfort zone.  For me, the first thing I did was try working out every morning.  I felt good with a light workout and it started my body moving again.  I didn’t feel so lethargic.  Then I threw in a spiritual practice of drawing cards every morning.  I found that to be a nice way to set the tone for the day.  Each small step in our own lives creates a ripple out in the world.  You see yourself differently and you perceive the world differently.  It all starts with us.  Let’s change reality. 

No Explanation- Your Time is Yours

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Given recent events in my personal life as well as the continued events in our social lives, I want to take a minute to talk about the importance of self-care including protecting your boundaries around time and how you spend it. “Let’s normalize not confusing someone’s free time with their availability,” Broderick Hunter.  We have a terrible habit of assuming when someone isn’t working or fulfilling some other obligation that they are available.  We’ve been trained from early on to give every ounce of our time to other people.  We’ve also been trained to believe that if we don’t give that time that we are selfish.  While we are social creatures, we need time for ourselves to recharge and replenish—and those needs are different for everyone.  We need to change the narrative around taking that time. 

Our work lives play a significant role in this as well.  I’ve mentioned before I work in healthcare and the burnout is real.  Not that all work isn’t susceptible to burnout, it’s just different when your job is to care for people 24/7.  The definition of our roles is to give up our personal time to care for others.  The pressure we put on ourselves and each other is immense and taking a step back is the first step with balancing what needs to be done for ourselves and what needs to be done for all.  I don’t question the value of the things we do but I do question the value of the effort it takes to get there.  If you give up so much of yourself that you’re not fully present, what is the value in being there at all? 

It is not selfish to do what needs to be done for yourself.  It is healthy and necessary.  It is only when we are at our peak that we are able to really give the most in return.  Finding what works for you is key.  The story we tell ourselves about how people recharge is another narrative we have to change.  People need different things.  Some of us get lost in a book.  Others workout.  Some play video games or play with RC cars.  We need to do whatever it takes to make ourselves whole in order to do our best.  I’m a salaried employee and I make sure to take care of myself by leaving after 8 hours every day.  I may still have to do some work later, but I will only be in the office for 8 hours.  That is what I get paid for and that is what I stick to.

It has been proven again and again that taking time to replenish is vital to mental health.  It’s more selfish to demand others fulfill our needs than it is to learn to fulfill ourselves.  Again, we are social creatures, but that doesn’t mean anyone is obligated to do for us what they cannot do for themselves.  The reverse is true as well.  We are only granted a certain amount of time here and we never know what that may be.  It is up to us to define the boundary for how we spend that time.  We are allowed to do that in spite of what we have been told.

Life keeps moving forward, jobs will replace you in a heartbeat.  So do what you need to do.  You are the only person who knows what you need, what is right for you.  And if we aren’t careful or if we don’t take the time to know what we really want, it is all too easy to get swayed into doing things we don’t want.  That is when we feel victimized or martyred.  Realizing that is a choice is the key to stopping it.  So respect your time and others will.  Even if it makes others upset or uncomfortable, that is not your problem.  It’s our job to establish boundaries and to stick with them.  Let’s teach a new story—that it isn’t selfish to do what you need to do for yourself.

Deciding

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“I will never be this version of me again.  Let me slow down and be with her,” Rupi Kaur.  I found this quote last week at a time my mind would NOT stop spinning.  I mean, that isn’t that unusual because my mind never stops, but it was poignant because I had also drawn two cards that day about slowing down and trusting.  About not rushing through the day.  It made me think about my life and how I’ve been rushing every day.  Making decisions in the moment without letting myself really sit with it.  I never learned to sit with myself.  To just accept and understand who I am.  I tried to be everyone else around me.

This life is a gift and we are meant to live it, not tolerate it.  Not endure it.  Not be washed away with it.  We are meant to live.  That means experience everything from heartache to the highest joy and to embrace it all.  It means loving those around us and cherishing the moments we have.  That means embracing life and making decisions and moving forward without regret.  I love that as soon as I decided to move forward with a new version of my life, everything aligned to get me there.  I have felt synchronicity before, but not on this level.  For those things to be so clear and distinct, I couldn’t ignore them.  I know that this is where I’m meant to be.

I was only able to decide on what I wanted my life to look like once I loved myself enough to feel worthy to decide.  I learned to love myself at my lowest, when I had to make decisions based on my survival and the survival of my family.  Those base instincts surrounding survival are powerful and learning to trust them brought me to a place where I could trust myself.  I learned to do that by connecting with the signs in my life and believing that they were for me—and I had no doubt of that because I asked for very distinct, clear signs along my path.  There was no second guessing the answers I received. 

I never anticipated what it would take to feel a connection with myself.  I’ve muddled through self-appreciation and some cursory attempts at hearing my heart but I never understood what it means to have a real connection.  I’ve talked about flow and purpose—all of which remains true—but the experience of being in that position is unlike any other.  For my Potter fans, it’s like being on Felix Felicis. 

The major benefit of feeling that connection is being in the moment.  There is always a past and a future and those thoughts may still linger, but you are very connected to where you are.  You feel what you are doing as you’re doing it.  And you learn to appreciate the beauty that is here now.  It’s a minor change in focus that changes everything.  For an anxious person always living a million miles ahead, being in the moment can be a scary thing because you have to bring your brain back to what is in front of you rather than fixating on how what is in front of you will impact the future. 

Life is a series of moments, each one filled with potential for a million different versions of the future.  When we learn to sit with ourselves, we better define what we want our future to consist of.  Being with ourselves in the now doesn’t take away from the future, it helps write it.  The truth is, we will never know what our future holds and all we can do is make the best decisions with the information we have at the time.  Appreciating where we are and learning to connect with who we are creates an unshakeable force of love and faith, first in ourselves and then it ripples throughout the world.

We are all vulnerable in so many ways and when we slow down we can appreciate both the fragility and resiliency that is the human experience.  Rupi perfectly captures that when she says, “I will never be this version of me again.”  Time passes and we change.  We evolve.  We lose those we love and we win and we create new life and keep moving forward.  All of that is necessary.  Who we are now is not necessarily who we will be.  I love the quote from Jim Rohn, “If you don’t like how things are, change it.  You’re not a tree.”  I would like to add to that even trees have learned to change four times a year.  We get to be who we are and we get to change—but taking the time to slow down and recognize ourselves instills an appreciation that will guide us forever.  So love yourselves.   

Sunday Gratitude

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This week has been an immense struggle for me.  There were moments I didn’t know what I could possibly be grateful for.  There were moments I felt like I brought all of this on myself.  There were moments I felt like the most terrible person in the world because I knew I couldn’t get anything right.  There were moments of hope mixed in the sadness.  But this was a week where I felt pulled under by the waves.  I’ve always said in those moments it is the most important to still look for things to be grateful for.  This one wasn’t easy.

Today I am grateful for introspection.  Over the last week I have learned so much about myself and the things I need to do.  I have spent so much time putting on a façade of strength and knowing everything and having it all under control that I never once took the time to master my emotions.  I feel horribly weak and behind and the anxiety is ramping up.  But I’ve also realized that just because I’m not the same as others or I can’t do the same things as other people, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure.  It means I have opportunities to learn.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t see so many opportunities because it feels like I’m failing at everything, but keeping things in perspective is what matters.  

Today I am grateful for sticking with it.  I broke down a lot this week and I’ve been up and down emotionally in other aspects as well.  But I didn’t give up for a single second.  I’m well aware of the mental health issues I need to address and I am doing the work to get the help I need.  I leaned on my husband a lot and I focused on work.  I made some time to play with my kid and I read a lot.  I even got to the book store to do something for myself. 

Today I am grateful for self-care.  With as sick as I was, I feel how my body has deteriorated over the last two months.  I’m sluggish and feel weak and I still can’t eat very well.  But I’m improving every day so I did some self-care yesterday and massaged my feet with some really nice oil.  Today I took a long shower and shaved and I oiled my entire body to give myself some love.  I took some time to recognize everything my body has been through in the last couple of months and to appreciate that I am still here.  As much as it hurts, I still have a purpose.  Letting myself fall apart isn’t an option. 

Today I am grateful for my health.  My son asked to go for a walk and at first I didn’t want to go, but sometimes we have to follow the wisdom of toddlers.  I agreed and we took a slow walk through our entire neighborhood.  My body hadn’t moved like that in a while and it felt amazing.  It was definitely needed and it got me out of the house and connecting to my own skin again. I also took the time to meal prep today for the first time in over six weeks.  It wasn’t anything fancy as I’m still struggling to find things that appeal, but I managed to put something together for myself.  I’ve made a commitment to take care of myself and I am getting back to that place. 

Today I am grateful for steps.  One of the things I needed to address was the disaster my house has become.  I know we are all human and we don’t always keep up with things how we hope to, but I have let everything fall apart because I couldn’t keep up.  I physically couldn’t do it.  On Friday we completely cleaned out the freezer and it felt SO good.  That little bit was enough to get me moving.  Yesterday I was able to help in the garage and condense and remove boxes and start purging things we no longer needed.  On some level it might be that cleaning is something I have control over, but it felt like I was addressing things I’ve been putting off for far too long.  It felt good.

Today I am grateful for a better tomorrow.  Right now it is really hard—harder than I thought it would be, to even function.  I’m doing it so I can do what needs to be done, but it feels empty.  It feels false and disembodied to be going through the motions.  I’m constantly reminding myself that this is temporary and I will eventually get through this.  There is no time limit, but this is something I will work through.  The more I am able to do what brings me back to myself, the more human I will feel.  Humans are resilient creatures, and I am no exception.  I will be ok.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week.