This week has been an immense struggle for me. There were moments I didn’t know what I could possibly be grateful for. There were moments I felt like I brought all of this on myself. There were moments I felt like the most terrible person in the world because I knew I couldn’t get anything right. There were moments of hope mixed in the sadness. But this was a week where I felt pulled under by the waves. I’ve always said in those moments it is the most important to still look for things to be grateful for. This one wasn’t easy.
Today I am grateful for introspection. Over the last week I have learned so much about myself and the things I need to do. I have spent so much time putting on a façade of strength and knowing everything and having it all under control that I never once took the time to master my emotions. I feel horribly weak and behind and the anxiety is ramping up. But I’ve also realized that just because I’m not the same as others or I can’t do the same things as other people, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure. It means I have opportunities to learn. Sometimes I wish I didn’t see so many opportunities because it feels like I’m failing at everything, but keeping things in perspective is what matters.
Today I am grateful for sticking with it. I broke down a lot this week and I’ve been up and down emotionally in other aspects as well. But I didn’t give up for a single second. I’m well aware of the mental health issues I need to address and I am doing the work to get the help I need. I leaned on my husband a lot and I focused on work. I made some time to play with my kid and I read a lot. I even got to the book store to do something for myself.
Today I am grateful for self-care. With as sick as I was, I feel how my body has deteriorated over the last two months. I’m sluggish and feel weak and I still can’t eat very well. But I’m improving every day so I did some self-care yesterday and massaged my feet with some really nice oil. Today I took a long shower and shaved and I oiled my entire body to give myself some love. I took some time to recognize everything my body has been through in the last couple of months and to appreciate that I am still here. As much as it hurts, I still have a purpose. Letting myself fall apart isn’t an option.
Today I am grateful for my health. My son asked to go for a walk and at first I didn’t want to go, but sometimes we have to follow the wisdom of toddlers. I agreed and we took a slow walk through our entire neighborhood. My body hadn’t moved like that in a while and it felt amazing. It was definitely needed and it got me out of the house and connecting to my own skin again. I also took the time to meal prep today for the first time in over six weeks. It wasn’t anything fancy as I’m still struggling to find things that appeal, but I managed to put something together for myself. I’ve made a commitment to take care of myself and I am getting back to that place.
Today I am grateful for steps. One of the things I needed to address was the disaster my house has become. I know we are all human and we don’t always keep up with things how we hope to, but I have let everything fall apart because I couldn’t keep up. I physically couldn’t do it. On Friday we completely cleaned out the freezer and it felt SO good. That little bit was enough to get me moving. Yesterday I was able to help in the garage and condense and remove boxes and start purging things we no longer needed. On some level it might be that cleaning is something I have control over, but it felt like I was addressing things I’ve been putting off for far too long. It felt good.
Today I am grateful for a better tomorrow. Right now it is really hard—harder than I thought it would be, to even function. I’m doing it so I can do what needs to be done, but it feels empty. It feels false and disembodied to be going through the motions. I’m constantly reminding myself that this is temporary and I will eventually get through this. There is no time limit, but this is something I will work through. The more I am able to do what brings me back to myself, the more human I will feel. Humans are resilient creatures, and I am no exception. I will be ok.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week.