Deciding

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“I will never be this version of me again.  Let me slow down and be with her,” Rupi Kaur.  I found this quote last week at a time my mind would NOT stop spinning.  I mean, that isn’t that unusual because my mind never stops, but it was poignant because I had also drawn two cards that day about slowing down and trusting.  About not rushing through the day.  It made me think about my life and how I’ve been rushing every day.  Making decisions in the moment without letting myself really sit with it.  I never learned to sit with myself.  To just accept and understand who I am.  I tried to be everyone else around me.

This life is a gift and we are meant to live it, not tolerate it.  Not endure it.  Not be washed away with it.  We are meant to live.  That means experience everything from heartache to the highest joy and to embrace it all.  It means loving those around us and cherishing the moments we have.  That means embracing life and making decisions and moving forward without regret.  I love that as soon as I decided to move forward with a new version of my life, everything aligned to get me there.  I have felt synchronicity before, but not on this level.  For those things to be so clear and distinct, I couldn’t ignore them.  I know that this is where I’m meant to be.

I was only able to decide on what I wanted my life to look like once I loved myself enough to feel worthy to decide.  I learned to love myself at my lowest, when I had to make decisions based on my survival and the survival of my family.  Those base instincts surrounding survival are powerful and learning to trust them brought me to a place where I could trust myself.  I learned to do that by connecting with the signs in my life and believing that they were for me—and I had no doubt of that because I asked for very distinct, clear signs along my path.  There was no second guessing the answers I received. 

I never anticipated what it would take to feel a connection with myself.  I’ve muddled through self-appreciation and some cursory attempts at hearing my heart but I never understood what it means to have a real connection.  I’ve talked about flow and purpose—all of which remains true—but the experience of being in that position is unlike any other.  For my Potter fans, it’s like being on Felix Felicis. 

The major benefit of feeling that connection is being in the moment.  There is always a past and a future and those thoughts may still linger, but you are very connected to where you are.  You feel what you are doing as you’re doing it.  And you learn to appreciate the beauty that is here now.  It’s a minor change in focus that changes everything.  For an anxious person always living a million miles ahead, being in the moment can be a scary thing because you have to bring your brain back to what is in front of you rather than fixating on how what is in front of you will impact the future. 

Life is a series of moments, each one filled with potential for a million different versions of the future.  When we learn to sit with ourselves, we better define what we want our future to consist of.  Being with ourselves in the now doesn’t take away from the future, it helps write it.  The truth is, we will never know what our future holds and all we can do is make the best decisions with the information we have at the time.  Appreciating where we are and learning to connect with who we are creates an unshakeable force of love and faith, first in ourselves and then it ripples throughout the world.

We are all vulnerable in so many ways and when we slow down we can appreciate both the fragility and resiliency that is the human experience.  Rupi perfectly captures that when she says, “I will never be this version of me again.”  Time passes and we change.  We evolve.  We lose those we love and we win and we create new life and keep moving forward.  All of that is necessary.  Who we are now is not necessarily who we will be.  I love the quote from Jim Rohn, “If you don’t like how things are, change it.  You’re not a tree.”  I would like to add to that even trees have learned to change four times a year.  We get to be who we are and we get to change—but taking the time to slow down and recognize ourselves instills an appreciation that will guide us forever.  So love yourselves.   

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