I struggled today for a lot of reasons, mainly all in my head. I always feel like the universe sends us little tests so we can determine where we are at energetically or to see if we are really matching what we say we are capable of. My last post ended with a discussion about letting go of expectations and going with it, so naturally, today I was faced with situations entirely beyond my control.
My oldest cat woke up very ill and I wasn’t able to get her into the vet until 12PM. My awesome boss was flexible enough to let me work the morning from home, but obviously it change my entire routine. Rather than wake up, put on my makeup, get my breakfast and lunch ready, get CJ ready, pack everything up, and take CJ to my mom’s, I started work at 6AM, managed my child while I was working, walked the dog, had to bring the cat to the vet (so packing up a child and the cat), drop CJ off, made it to work by 2PM, and worked until 5.
The interaction at the vet’s office didn’t go as planned. The vet didn’t hear what I was saying in regards to my animal and I gently but firmly stood my ground. It was a moment that I had to trust my instincts and I did so without fighting. I had been anticipating leaving my animal there and when they told me what they thought was going on, I wasn’t allowed to leave her. I had driven 30 miles with my animal so I was near work and my mother’s house—I couldn’t drive all the way back to my place and make it in a reasonable time for work. I called my husband and he wasn’t able to help me. I felt completely alone and frustrated. He insinuated that I could work from home for the rest of the day when I still had work to do in the office. That is when I lost it. I told him that I wasn’t going to jeopardize my job because he wasn’t able to help me.
I ended up dropping off my son AND the cat to my mother’s house and going into work. Thank goodness my parents are flexible and understanding. I worked an additional 3 hours and my husband had to pick up CJ and the cat. Obviously in the moment I was caught up with not being able to do what I was supposed to, not fulfilling my obligations, failing at what I had planned for the day.
When I was driving home, I realized that it had all worked out. The sun was setting and there was a beautiful little rainbow patch in the sky, saying that everything was ok. I thought about how I had spent so much time worrying and running and controlling things. Yes, I am highly ambitious and I rely on things being done as I feel they should so I can accomplish what I’m looking to get done. But in all of that time, in EVERY instance of feeling beyond control, when I let go and see that everything is ok, I know that things are somehow just as they were meant to be. Every time.