“A child will look anyone in the eye and say, ‘This game is no longer fun,’ and simply stop playing it.  Without hesitation, without guilt.  And we all should still be doing the same thing.  With bad lovers, bad friends, bad jobs, with the hate we have for ourselves,” Erin Van Vuren.  I always felt guilt at stopping things I didn’t want to do because I didn’t know how it would impact others.  What if they were having a good time?  I didn’t want to be the party pooper.  What if I was the only one who had an issue with it?  I would learn to like it at some point (most times it didn’t happen).  How different would our lives be if we simply stopped engaging with what doesn’t work for us?   What if we maintained our boundaries and the clarity we feel about what we want without shame or hesitation?  Our lives would look a lot more aligned and we’d see a lot more genuinely happy people.  I think we’d know what real happiness feels like.  So often we ignore what we feel and we try to logic/control our way out of it.  We assume we will eventually feel better or be able to tolerate it.  But the truth is we are designed to be discerning creatures and we do feel when something is right for us and when it isn’t . 

Instead of spending our time wishing for things to become something they aren’t, when we clearly communicate what we do and do not like, we can influence the space around us or we learn that we need to move on.  I personally think of the time saved through being honest.  Instead of worrying that we may offend someone, think of how we may be able to come to a better resolution when we tell each other the truth, something that works well for all involved.  It’s amazing how in these conversations amongst children, they are rarely offended.  They may be upset and frustrated if they really wanted to play and someone told them they didn’t want to, but they eventually move on and come to a compromise.  We’ve spent so much time losing our ability to compromise because we give away our power on a daily basis, and that’s where it becomes about ego.  We give away our power to a system, turning over hard-earned money for the things we are told to want, so we expect things to go a certain way in return.  When they don’t we become insulted and angry instead of understanding that there are better ways to control our lives—or even that it was control we were looking for in the first place.  I think taking the time to understand those depths would open the door to understanding that we weren’t familiar with our emotions and we let them get out of control because we applied them to ego.      

I think the world would become a much more cooperative place if we continued the practice of honesty with our feelings.  We’d better understand and practice the idea that there is room for each of us to create and live the life we want.  We can operate peacefully and still have different ideas.  In fact, we’d learn to make those ideas beneficial for everyone.  We’d learn to accept the differences as something beneficial or even fun.  The ideas that really don’t resonate with us we would learn to let lie.  An idea in itself does nothing.  We need ideas as they are the foundation of creation.  More accurately, the feeling around an idea is the foundation of creation.  We will struggle to bring forth anything that doesn’t truly feel good to us so it’s important to learn what resonates and what we want to pursue.  What makes us feel good.  What makes us tick. This is a practice that aligns us with who we are because we are able to get out of the mind and work with how we feel.  In reading Joe Dispenza’s book, he talks about how honoring the feelings we have we learn to quantum leap.  Quantum leaping is a matter of collapsing the now and allowing the reality to take manifest simply through aligning with the feeling of the experience we want to have.  That is exactly what kids do.  Instead of struggling for control, we need to spend more time learning to be like a kid again.   

I want to share a brief thought on health…When it comes to our overall health, we need to examine our relationship to stress.  Keely A Muscatel says the body has an immune response to stress—the cytokines of a stressful situation can cause an immune/stress response in the body simply by thought.  An otherwise physically healthy person will feel depressed and down when put in a stressful situation.  The brain tells the body to shut down. This is why it’s so important to manage our relationship to stress. It isn’t just about a heightened emotional state, our body responds to it. This means that our mental state is indeed responsible for some of the issues we have with our bodies.  Some scenarios are out of our control while others we need to be more cognizant of our role in it or our choice to participate.  The bottom line is there is physiological evidence that our thoughts impact the body.  If a thought can inspire action, it can also inspire internal discord on a chemical level.  The body believes what the brain tells it, so we need to be very careful in what we tell our bodies.    

We can’t be at war with our minds—we need to learn to make peace with them, we need to learn to honor them, and we need to learn to respect them.  The brain is the most powerful supercomputer in the world.  For so long we thought we were at the mercy of a series of impulses or that we needed to fight to survive—and for millennia we did.  Now we can take the time to understand more of the intricacies of how we function and the impact of our mental state on the body.  If we seek to improve ourselves physically, we need to master ourselves mentally.  We don’t want our bodies to shut down, we want them to thrive so they can fulfill our purpose. The more we manage those impulses, the more we can manage our reactions and relationship to things going on around us.  Don’t create more stress by allowing thoughts to run rampant, spend time each day working to mitigate and manage what goes through our minds.  Ask how our relationship to stress is impacting our health.  Is it something we can alter and adjust?  Always.  We just need to be honest about how. 

Today I am grateful for support.  Sometimes it comes from unexpected places.  There was a particularly stressful incident at work that I reacted emotionally to in the aftermath.  I think it was because I understood the implications of what happened and what could happen as well as understanding my role in holding people accountable as a manager.  I struggle with ignoring humanity when it comes to personal situations, and I made a lot of concessions for an employee that, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have.  I could have kindly held this person accountable instead of looking the other way.  This incident blew up and it is truthfully near worst-case scenario for an organization (or as close to it as we can get) and she barely reacted.  I handled it and stayed on top of it and a co-worker I would have least expected support from actually came through and out right told me it wasn’t my fault—they specifically said they were blunt and the first person to say when someone screws up and they were still saying I did nothing wrong.  It was nice to have people surround me when I felt like a failure.

Today I am grateful for moving forward on a goal.  Some of my projects have shifted slightly.  I still have the same overall goal, but there are facets of my work that I can’t give a lot of attention to right now—but others have taken priority.  It’s the first time in a while where something this creative has taken over and I love it.  I can’t put my finger on it because it isn’t exactly what I had in mind with some of my projects, but I love it, intensely.  As much as I’ve struggled to get my footing on some of the things I’m working on, this seems to be coming together well.  No, it isn’t exactly as I envisioned it, but it is coming together nicely.  I feel excitement and I honestly have a lot of hope that it will open the doors to the next step in my business, in clarifying what I need to do next.  It also feels really good to put these ideas together to see how the entire thing coalesces and is forming something new for me to help others. 

Today I am grateful for confidence.  Confidence has been something that waxes and wanes in my life.  I truly don’t know why.  I’m human so I know there are times my ego gets out of control, but for the most part, I live pretty well under the radar.  I’m not trying to be better than anyone—not anymore—because that type of validation is not good for my soul (or anyone’s soul).  I’m at the stage in my life where I am simply looking for clarity and how to be a good person, and to put my skills to use in a way that supports me mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially.  I have a vision of how I think this will happen, how it will all come together, and I’m working on balancing ego with confidence.  Confidence has an underlying trust that things will come together no matter what things look like, ego needs it to be exactly as it envisions it.  I have these ideas that are coming uncontrollably, and I love it.  I am working on having the confidence to follow that inspiration—and it feels good to follow it. 

Today I am grateful to get comfortable with the idea of not doing it all.  For so many years I’ve struggled with the fact that I’m in the same spot I was 20 years ago.  Not literally, but emotionally, and even financially, and career wise.  It’s not for lack of trying or lack of ambition—but perhaps from too much ambition.  So many things I’ve wanted to do require a lot of attention and I want to do it all. I could never narrow down one thing and focus on that to see it through.  Progress is in the follow through, and I often stopped that if I didn’t get the results I wanted immediately.  There is so much to absorb in life, and we are meant to do something, but we don’t have to do it all.  And sometimes in slowing down and doing one thing, we see that all things do get done.  There are facets of my life I have to let go of—I only have so much time in a day, the same as anyone else.  I can’t live three different lives simultaneously.  I have to honor and follow the call of what makes the most sense for me now.  And soon the steps reveal themselves and we go from there. 

Today I am grateful to understand a bit more about my relationship to time.  As someone with ADD and easily distracted, I tend to start a million things and once and have a hard time finishing anything. Recently I was feeling like crap physically and I know it’s because I haven’t been taking care of my body as I should have been.  I haven’t been eating well and I haven’t been moving my body anywhere near enough.  It’s caused stagnation with my creativity even though my mind moves a million miles an hour, I haven’t been able to focus on one thing long enough to see it through.  So as I was looking at my body, I realized that when it comes to regaining my health, there are things that are going to take time. For example, with building muscle, we don’t get the tone and definition we want with a few hundred reps.  We need to take the time to do as many as we can and, more importantly, we need to make sure our form and function are correct.  There is no point in doing something if we aren’t going to do it correctly because then the time spent is just wasted.  Take the time to do it right instead of misdirecting and wasting energy.  Then time falls into place and suddenly we are operating outside of time, we are in flow. 

Today I am grateful to give.  Last night I was able to help a few of my friends feel better through using some old techniques I had from school.  I love feeling the power in my hands and taking away pain.  I’m also thrilled because today is the first day of a group I’m hosting at my home and I get to share these ideas and insights in person with people I care about.  I get to take care of people, share with people, and teach people.  We find support in giving and it teaches us how we can give to ourselves through recognizing our needs as well.  Sometimes we simply have to have an ear open so people can share, relate, and understand each other.  It really is a joy.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

There’s a Japanese legend that says: if you feel like you’re losing everything, remember, trees lose their leaves every year, yet they still stand tall and wait for better days to come.  There is truly always a bright side, no matter how difficult it may be to see it from the present vantage point.  Even if we think we have a generally positive mindset, there are still things we can work on to keep positive about future events that we are anticipating.  I’ve truthfully been expecting a particular outcome on a situation for a while and I’ve struggled to maintain patience and hope around it.  All of the “signs” tell me that this is real and that it’s coming, but it seems the goal post is moved further and further back each month.  Then I fall into a cycle of depression and not advancing because I’m simply exhausted getting my hopes up, feeling close, and then falling short.  I think we all need this reminder that even when things feel like they aren’t progressing, there are still other things happening in the background.

I know I don’t want to spend my days feeling like everything is falling through my hands like sand while I run around trying to catch every piece as it slides through my fingers.  There is much to be grateful for and, in those moments of chaotic uncertainty, it may simply be time to stop.  See, maybe the sand isn’t something we are mean to hold onto—maybe it is something we are meant to leave behind, the parts of us that may not serve.  We are meant to flow and the ocean moves the sand constantly.  So too must we learn to adapt to the pull of where we are at.  So, it isn’t about controlling and catching everything—it’s about creating our own roots and finding malleability in the changes. As I wait for my leaves to come back, I can take heart that the roots I planted will keep me standing in the wind.  I know the leaves will always return, and while I may not always be able to determine what color they are, I know I am protected, and will flourish, and bloom in my time, in my own way.  I know the same is true for all of you as well.

Life doesn’t just happen thinking about it, we need to apply what we know to make things happen.  It’s converting potential to kinetic and following through.  I’ve used the quote a bunch before, but it’s true: “Clarity comes from action, not thought,” Marie Forleo.  How many times have we said we wanted something only to see it fall relatively flat?  How many times have we wanted to start something only to end up saying we will do it tomorrow?  How many times have we wished for something but had no clue how to start?  I spent years reading books, collecting information, so much that I felt like I didn’t have any more room in my head.  I had a great sense of pride in telling people all the books I read, in quoting things, in sharing the information.  But I couldn’t seem to make things happen.  I thought and thought and read more, always trying to find the next thing that made sense.  And nothing happened.  Then it hit me: all the information was simply sitting in my head.  I wasn’t making it a part of me.  I wasn’t feeling it because I wasn’t practicing it.  All of the ideas were theoretical.  They always are until we actually apply it.  I could be proud of all the information I took in but nothing was actually happening, and it wouldn’t until something was done about it.  It needed to be put to use.

Case in point, I was given an opportunity to practice this concept of letting go of old habits and patterns and old beliefs.  The thought I fall into the most is that I’m not worthy, that no one likes me and that my ideas/dreams will never come to fruition.  My husband thought the overheard some friends of mine speaking poorly about a project I’m working on.  It’s a sensitive area because it is something I’ve struggled with.  I haven’t given up because I’ve seen the results other people have gotten and I know with more focus, a more precise goal, and better use of time, I can have that same level of success, if not more.  But hearing that some friends (friends I don’t even really share much about this business with) were speaking badly immediately those old beliefs surfaced: why does no one believe in me, am I a joke, what is it that they don’t like about me that they can’t even be supportive?  That behavior just isn’t in me, I see no purpose in it.  Like I’ve always been the person, especially when it comes to creativity, who will always support you.  I’ve never NOT been supportive.  You have an idea, a dream, a desire, go for it.  I will cheer you on the entire way.  As long as you’re not hurting or using anyone, then there is nothing to gain from being an asshole and shitting on someone’s ideas.  Allow people to be who they are because allowing them to be who they are allows them to commune with creation and bring forth what they are meant to. 

After a brief pity party, I felt a shift happen.  I can let go of the old pattern and just keep going and it doesn’t have to do with proving a damn thing.  If it’s something I enjoy, something I believe in, then there is no reason that I need to stop doing what makes me happy because someone talked shitty about it.  And a friend doesn’t have to believe in the same principles I have in order for me to succeed.  I can keep going my own way and create the life I love.  Those who want to support me will, the ones who will be with me will be with me.  Just a week ago, I honestly would have fallen apart and I even briefly considered approaching them about it.  This felt different somehow.  It isn’t about them.  The truth is, I need to be brave enough to leg go and move on.  Let go of the thoughts that devalue my worth or the idea that I’m not good enough to evolve and do better.  I can let go of the people and habits that deviate from me fulfilling my purpose.  It’s time to let go of old limiting beliefs and connect with the divine power/force within me. I saw that as a prayer from Sasha Bonasin and it is 100% true.  In changing, we need to apply a new thought process in order to integrate it and believe it.  If we have an idea, be brave, get clear on the goal, get disciplined enough to follow through and set the boundaries to stick with it.  That is the application of thought and the way to bring new ideas to life.  No permission or approval required.  Just work. Get going.

I want to share a piece written by Ashmi Pathela—I have nothing to add to this one.  Enjoy….. 

“You are anchoring more light every day and this means you are anchoring more trust.  The highest timeline is the one in which you surrender and trust the flow of life to bring you exactly what you need when you need it.  The part of you that wants to control and plan is the part of you that is hanging on to the limitations and you cannot create what is next for you in that energy.  It is confusing to the mind because the mind says, ‘If I let go then nothing will get done’.  And this is the cosmic conundrum.  The key is to start playing with the what ifs—not with your fears as you have done many times before but with the possibilities.  What if it all works out better than I can imagine.  What if it all comes in more easily and magically than I expect.  What if letting go, not trying to let go but truly trusting is the portal to it all…. The path of force is no longer the way you wish to experience life….you wish to remember that you are the entire universe and you can command your quantum field.  And most of all you wish to take a break once and for all from the exhausting hamster wheel of your mind, because you know there is another way.  You can trust that  it is all coming together without you mentally forcing everything into place because your true self is orchestrating it. The more you let go, the better the flow.  The more you trust, the more you will be given to trust.  The more you open to the divine in you the more you will see that nothing is out of place.  It is actually harder to truly let yourself be than do.  And it takes a lot more courage.  IT takes much more power to resist the momentum of doing and rushing which has accelerated over lifetimes.  You felt comfortable and safe doing it the old way.  But what looks like inaction to the outer world is true action.  First coming into stillness to be able to hear your inner guidance your own heart beat.  It takes time to practice this, to honor this, to choose to trust your heart all while letting go.  Of course when you feel nudged, you will take action.  This is not about doing nothing, but the action will feel like it is moving through you, inspiring you to move.  It will not come from the mind, trying to think of the next thing, the next step. IT will just come and you will know.  Your true power of creation lies in the zero point field, in the now moment.  In the still ness of your being, in the frequency of holding the trust.  And doing this actually takes more effort than mentally and physically spinning your wheels doing everything, trying to figure it all out.  Its actually harder to slow down the relentless urge to do more and be more and instead choose to trust,” Ashmi Pathela. 

“Be so calm about it that it ends up working itself out.  Sometimes you just need to surrender it and enter the trusting phase to allow things to come together for you,” Idil Ahmed. This one is short and sweet: let it all go.  Let the emotion go and learn to feel into our bodies.  There are things in this world, this universe that we will never understand.  They simply operate as they are, and they do it without our input.  We are gifted energy that allows us to create and do something new, but the universe will continue moving with or without our action.  Spending time trying to control every detail, the way things look, the way people see us is a waste of time, and frankly, a waste of that energy we are gifted.  We need to put it to good use and we do that in letting go of how it happens, when it happens.  We learn to celebrate our wins and the wins of others because we learn there is no real winning.  We progress when we advance ourselves and develop the talents we were gifted. We progress even more when we learn to harness it and come together with others.  Energy spent on anxiety and worry is a waste of time.  We just have to trust that all will come together as it is meant to—because it will—and it doesn’t have to look at all like what you expect. 

The amazing thing about life is that there is this process of discovery.  We often talk about rock bottom in reference to a low point where we know we need to turn around, suggesting we can climb out.  But as I continue this journey in life, it feels more like there are never ending layers of information, things to discover about ourselves.  It isn’t just an inward journey where we have to get to the core, it builds outward as well.  The universe operates infinitely inward and outward—there truly is no end.  The more experiences we have in life, the more layers we add, the more we have to learn from.  As we learn more, we decide more about what we want and we start taking actions toward that goal.  There is always more; more we can develop in ourselves, more we can learn and build.  I used to look at life as something to figure out, something with a specific destination and that was who we were.  The truth is we are constantly changing and shifting direction.  We can become anything we want to at any time.  We are allowed to integrate and take our experiences and make them something else.  I’ve always tried to keep the outer layer shiny and clean, something palatable and acceptable to other people.  When we only care about what we look like, we lose the depth within.  We have to go further and further in until we find the depts of who we are and then we have to allow that to expand infinitely outward like a ripple to the universe.  The process of discovery is creation. 

Our evolution is never really complete.  The more we listen, the more we find.  The fact that we have this genetic makeup with this ability to relate to our thoughts and experiences and feelings gives us an incredibly unique experience.  It’s physical and carnal but a result of cerebral output.  It means we have a limitless portal in our minds—we can truly become anything we want and then we can become something new.  We can embrace our lives and redefine them.  I’ve made the same mistake so many do in this self-help journey: I’ve tried to define it.  Yes, we need boundaries and we need parameters so we can better define the journey and know our limits.  But the truth is that we need to work on destroying those limits and allow ourselves to operate outside a single definition.  We aren’t one thing—we truly are limitless.   The mind has the capacity to create literally ANYTHING—we need to find ways to bring it into the physical reality.  To that end, because we are limitless, we don’t have an end point.  Self-discovery doesn’t have an endpoint.  Self-help is about maintaining our ability to create the life we want without shame or fear—to always live in that alchemic zone of creation.  We have the opportunity to become whatever we want to through embracing who we are, dedication, and focus. 

Life isn’t designed for us to end in a shiny package, pretty, but desiccated and unused. We are meant to be full of joy, love, excitement, life.  We are meant to show the wear of our stories, each line a mark of a memory we etched in the confines of our skin.  Sure, looking pretty is nice, but it’s also pretty boring.  Restrictive.  And from personal experience, I can say with 1000000% certainty that looking good isn’t indicative of a damn thing that occurs beneath the surface.  Anyone can create the image that something looks good—the truth is that the prettiest packages can conceal some of the darkest secrets.  We need to remember that making something look good doesn’t mean it IS good. That isn’t to say a lotus can’t come from the mud.  In fact, that is the point of this piece: we need to enjoy the process of discovery and going deep enough to find where the lotus blooms.  Allow it to emerge from each of us: don’t be afraid of the dark or the light.  Simply use each for what it is.  The darkness protects the fragility of who we are and the light brings that element out of us.  Let it unfold, through the mud and all.  And have fun learning along the way.  Don’t pinpoint an end date because when we stop learning and experiencing life, we are dead.  Just enjoy the journey along the way. 

“We need to feel we are worthy of a good life in order to make a better decision,” Aleksandra Cummings.  Aleks shared this during a training she gave us last week.  We all struggle with worth at some point.  We have all settled for less than we deserve and we have all questioned what we deserve.  When we design our lives, we need to remember that there are no limits, and that includes no limits to our worth.  Once we can wrap our heads around the concept of infinite creation, we can work on our concept of self-worth.  Worth is a subjective term.  We all have different ideas of what things are worth.  We have different ideas of what we are worth.  There is no way to truly value a human being.  Society tries to downplay or even ignore inherent worth, suggesting we need something about us to determine that value.  We have inherent worth and we have the ability to use our gifts and talents (and the ability  to develop those gifts and talents) to bring unlimited value to other people.  Based on that definition, I’m not sure we can or even need to define what a person is worth, or frankly even spend time thinking about it.  We need to spend more time appreciating each other.  The more we live in appreciation, the more opportunities we see.  And that is how we make better decisions. 

I struggle with the concept of “Deserving.”  I’ve been one of those people who believed that if something exists, we all have the potential to get it. I operated under the belief that the effort got you the result.   I never took into account the fact that there are certain circumstances that are skewed against people, I simply believed that if someone wanted something they just needed to work for it and they would get whatever they desired.  Then I saw and experienced the disparity in the world.  The results I was promised for the work I did never came through.  The life I was promised for the things I sacrificed never showed up.  Was part of that lack of clarity on my part?  Was it because some of those goals weren’t really mine at the deepest level?  Yes.  But the truth is that this system tells us we can have everything but it doesn’t tell us who it is designed for.  It doesn’t tell us who the system favors.  It doesn’t tell us the sacrifices and work necessary to get it—or that sometimes sacrificing those things still won’t get us there, even if we give up who we are.  It doesn’t tell us we need to give up identity to receive and even at the cost of ourselves, the payout may not come.  It’s clever because it bases the idea of worth on what a person does and makes them responsible for the “failure” or lack of results. If we didn’t get it, the effort we put in wasn’t good enough when the reality is there is some Oz figure behind the curtain granting wishes and access based on how he feels that day. 

The truth is we all deserve the best this life can offer.  We all deserve to achieve our goals and dreams.  We are all worthy of what we want.  Some desires are universal but we are meant to be the architects and alchemists in our lives, not copies of someone else’s dream.  It’s just convenient if we forget that and it’s easy to ostracize those who don’t fit that definition and blame them.  We can’t let opinions and interpretations from others, what others tell us we are worth define that for us.  We are infinite beings and we need to remember that we are worth anything that comes to mind.  If we have the idea we are worthy of it, we are meant to have it, we are meant to bring it forth into our lives and into the universe.  All of our work, while it may be focused on the self, is designed to create abundance for us that we share with others.  We are meant to share our skills and information and create a world without limits or hierarchy or rules for accessing resources and information that is readily available for all.  If someone tries to block us, that is an action of ego.  When we block ourselves, that is self-doubt.  We may have no control over the former, but we can certainly work on the latter and create an environment where we aren’t waiting for someone to give us access.  Believe, my friends, and more than believing, feel in our core the weight of our worth and the energy of our being.  Bring it out and let that light, the joy of an idea coming to life radiate into the universe.  That feeling wins over anything. 

Today I am grateful for the zone.  Rob Dyrdek talks about abundance and flow in terms of entering a zone where time slips away—Joe Dispenza talks about the same thing.  A lot of people talk about entering the zone whether in regards to creative pursuits, sports, other work etc. and how the energy, time, and thought move differently.  Our minds operate and perceive differently.  I’ve been working on a group for my mom friends for a while.  It’s something I’ve wanted to do for them as a way to create built-in support.  We are all busy women who need to take care of our homes, families, businesses/jobs, and ourselves.  While I was planning this, I felt something come over me and idea upon idea came out, just filling me with more and more warmth and joy as I kept going.  The more I wrote, the more came out, the more ideas I had to help and create an open space, the more ideas came to me.  In what felt like an instant, I had a ton of things written down and I felt lighter.  The zone is an incredibly powerful space to be.  When we strive for more in our lives, that is a place of abundance and joy.

Today I am grateful to integrate and understand.  While I was having lunch with a colleague the other day, I started feeling funny (dizzy, jittery, anxious) in a way I haven’t felt before.  It felt like I needed to crawl out of my skin so I checked my heart rate—it was at 109 BPM.  I’d been really confused and frustrated and scared and this was the result of waiting for someone to make a decision on my life and me falling into old habits instead of doing the work I needed to do.  As I’m learning about what feels right for me and trying to apply this quantum way of thinking (Thank you Joe Dispenza), I’m understanding my needs more and that learning something new means unlearning what I used to know—and that means really letting it go, not repeating the pattern.  As I was getting ready to go out on our first date in nearly 6 years with my husband, I saw my body differently; initially I was sad, angry and disappointed, but I heard a voice say this version of you got you where you are now.  Suddenly I felt appreciation instead of disgust.  I looked in the mirror and I said, “Thank you for what you’ve done to get me here.  It’s time for me to do something else.”  I realized that I needed to grow and that means accepting help and actually doing what needs to be done instead of thinking about it.  It’s the application of the lesson.  I can’t hate myself because all that I went through got me here.  I need to love myself and that means being grateful for what I’ve done.  It means accepting my worth, accepting help and love, and accepting responsibility to take the actions necessary to get where I want to go.  If I want something different I need to feel something different and do something different.   

Today I am grateful for sharing energy.  My husband and I have been talking about various projects around the house for ages but we weren’t moving on any of them.  Before anyone gets judgy, when I say “ages,” I want to clarify that we’ve talked about it for 3 years—it’s not like I was getting anxious after a few days.  Things I needed done in my area (storage and living in the basement) were contingent on moving things around in his area (the garage).  I didn’t want to make decisions and move ahead with moving his tools or anything else without his input otherwise I would have done it myself.  It definitely felt overwhelming looking at the amount of stuff that needed doing—but once it started, my husband entered his zone.  Next thing I know, insulation and drywall are up in the garage, peg board is hanging and the tools are going up.  Every day he’d work in there and it keeps getting better and better.  The energy is contagious and he admitted it felt good to focus and get things done.  Plus it was a great example that he was supported and people would help him—friends/neighbors and me.  It’s really just about taking that first step.    

Today I am grateful for generosity and kindness.  I grew up with a family that, while helpful amongst each other, still had the undertone that anything that happened was our responsibility.  Meaning, the learning curve for most every day things was pretty steep.  They’d help you with something but it would be on their terms in their way.  Again, it wasn’t to leave you high and dry, it was just their way of making people accountable.  It made it easier to just do most things on my own until I really needed help.  Asking for help made me feel weak, like I should be able to handle it all on my own—whatever it is.  So when I found this group of friends and they started telling me they would help me with stuff like watching my kid so my husband and I could go out, or when I had my kid and my sister told me the same thing, I never knew how to ask or accept that.  It always felt like there was something else behind it, some unspoken expectation of like, ok I’ll help you but then you need to do x for me.  Completely in my head, but it was the guilt complex that carried over—I felt I needed to be responsible for my child.  Last night we had a lovely meal with friends to celebrate one of the birthdays and my sister watched my son.  It was an incredible evening filled with laughter, joy, and love.  My son had a great time with his cousin, my sister got tiramisu, and we had a ton of fun with friends. 

Today I am grateful for a new start—with a new definition of what that looks like.  I’ve had a few points in my life that I would consider a new start.  Whether it was health related or trying a new discipline in the morning or how I spoke with people/managed my emotions, I would start strong and eventually give up.  I’d get too lax with myself and would easily fall back into whatever the old habit was.  Whenever we face something new or decide we want something new, the universe has this little way of testing us to see if we are going to stick with it, to see if we really want what we say we want—change isn’t easy, so I don’t think it’s a malicious thing, I think it’s an, “are you sure?” type of thing.  When it comes to integration, sharing energy, trusting people, and accepting help without guilt (all the things I’ve learned this week), I finally understood what was holding me back: my idea of the how when it came to how things happened for me, the fear of change, and lack of clarity.  If we don’t know what we want then we don’t know what steps to take to get there so we fall into old habits, if we control and obsess over how and when something comes, we ignore opportunities we should take, and if we give into the fear of the unknown, we never expand into something new.   

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.