I want to sum up this week with one overall theme/lesson: we are 100% in control of our lives.  We set our goals, we decide who we surround ourselves with, we choose how we spend our time/our purpose, we chose what serves our purpose, and we find ways to get where we need to go/what we want.  Life truly isn’t that complicated in the grand scheme of things.  There are certainly things that challenge us, but so much of what we do is determined by our thoughts, decisions, and actions.  This world is magic and responds to the frequencies we put out and even more so to the actions we take.  We can talk all we want to, we can wrestle feelings and choices, but the bottom line is our follow through is what determines the end result.  It’s about our choices—everything from what we eat to who we surround ourselves with and what our environment looks like.  While life isn’t about controlling anything, we are absolutely in control of how we feel and respond and the choices we make. There isn’t much we can control in this world but we can decide what we do with what we have and we can choose the path we take.   

I never said the burdens that come with choice are easy to carry, but the direction and what we need to carry certainly become clearer and more defined when we decide.  As humans it’s easy to attach our emotions to the outcome of a situation—I know I spent a ton of time choosing to protect myself and not going for the goal because I didn’t want to be perceived as a failure.  It felt like my mistakes were in the spotlight.  The truth is we highlight our own mistakes and they only define us if we let them.  The truth is also that we don’t have to do the same thing as everyone else so if people talk, it’s more indicative of their fears than our abilities.  We are in control of the burden we carry and choosing our path.  Those things alone determine the course of our lives.  Life will throw challenges at us no matter what we choose but we are in total control of how we respond to them.  Always remember the power that comes with choice and alignment.  The further we stray from our truth, the more resistance we face.  Don’t try and control all the variables, simply decide to stay the course and take it as it comes—the results are made in those moments.    

Sometimes we find inspiration in the oddest of places—I’ve learned not to judge and simply to take the lesson, it doesn’t matter the form or where it comes from.  My husband and I are behind the times when it comes to TV so we have just recently started watching “Shameless.”  Stick with me on this, I know the show has incredibly disturbing and triggering content, but there is merit to it. While this family is clearly stuck in destructive patterns and survival mode, constantly doing questionable and outright illegal things, and fighting against different demons (alcoholism and other addictions, systems designed to keep them down, and sick people taking advantage/intimidating etc.), they stand together for the most part.  They always find ways to resolve their issues—and they have major issues.  Not that they don’t deal with consequences on some level (major and minor consequences), but for the most part, they are able to find ways to solve their issues.  It doesn’t matter what it is, they support each other without question and find a way to fix the issue. They find a way to get it done, whatever it is.  Now, I want to be clear I do NOT consider their behavior something to emulate, but the tenacity and drive certainly is.

I’ve been talking the last few days about filling our plate, making decisions, and letting go of unnecessary burdens but this topic of creative problem solving is important.  Just like I’ve been saying, we need to get clear, fill our plate with right action, and let go of what isn’t ours.  The Gallagher family is certainly not living ahead of themselves, they are often reactive, but the important part is that they know how to come around even the most difficult situations and they don’t stop until they achieve the results they’re looking for (paying the bills, finding a body, ultimately finding stable care for the kids, etc.).  They have huge odds against them all the time both inflicted from the system and self-induced, but they constantly find a way to rise to the occasion even in the most unorthodox of ways.  Any one of the issues they face would be enough to break anyone down or at least stop them in their tracks.  This group of people constantly keeps moving forward and very rarely feel sorry for themselves. 

The point is that life isn’t always smooth—it isn’t necessarily meant to be—but there are so many ways to resolve issues.  We don’t need to live in a box, we don’t need to carry the burden alone, and we certainly don’t nee to be steering two ships at once.  We simply need to look at our options and decide.  We need to decide that we continue forward in spite of anything against us, we need to settle on the direction we are going, and we need to take the actions necessary to get us where we are going.  Most importantly, we need to see that life isn’t always black and white and what works for some many not work for all.  We each have unique paths and each path comes with different burdens designed to strengthen us.  There is always more than one way to get results and we can often resolve issues when we step outside of the box—we just need the drive and resolve to do it.  Life keeps moving regardless of what we choose to do.  We can move forward and try something else or we can wallow where we are.  Sitting there doesn’t get us anywhere and as long as we are alive and able, we can figure it out through moving forward.

Yesterday I talked about plates and purpose, specifically how the universe gives us exactly what we ask for to fulfill our purpose.  We need to get comfortable with the idea of putting aside old habits and work in favor of what we are guided to do.  We can’t complain about needing to do the work that we receive in order to fulfill our purpose.  We need to distinguish between the things we do to fill our time versus what is a productive use of our energy and focus.  We aren’t meant to live two lives at once or to live in between where we are and where we want to be.  The universe wants us to make decisions and dive in toward achieving our goals.  That plate can get overwhelming at times and I want to remind everyone that trying to keep the balance while going out on a limb causes conflict in our energy.  The universe feels our confusion when we say we want something else but we do what we have always done.  I’ve said it before: How can we get to Bali if we only book a ticket to Florida?  We need to be clear on our destination and do what leads us there.   

With that, I know all too well what it’s like to live in-between.  We have needs that don’t go away like keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs.  It’s hard to take the leap if we worry about those needs not being met.  We fill our plate with two different meals, it’s heavy.  We aren’t mean to operate alone and we aren’t meant to carry it all at once. We need support because it gets too heavy and will pull you down.  Put aside worries/problems.  Put worries in a box and just breathe.  Take it one step at a time.  Don’t overload the box and try to carry it—put it in there and put it down.  Overthinking kills happiness, just take it one step at a time.  Allow the old habits to be put to rest and let those who can guide us to do just that: follow the guide.  Other times we simply need to let it go—no one needs to help us carry it if it no longer serves.  Leave it where it is.  Life gets easier and certainly more clear when we get rid of the extra worry, weight, and clutter and it certainly makes it easier to have help carrying a heavy burden.

So.  Make the decision to live with clarity and purpose.  Set the course and stay focused on that.  Put aside any fears or illusions about what people think and take the time to picture it all.  When appropriate, remember that we aren’t meant to operate in solitude.  There are moments when we need to find ourselves and check in to see that we are still where we want to be and there are questions that only we can answer.  But there are times when we need help.  We need help carrying or releasing the burden depending on what it is.  It’s ok to take the pressure off of ourselves when it comes to doing it all or knowing it all.  No one does and we aren’t meant to.  Life certainly moves smoother when we are clear and unburdened.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Don’t be afraid to make decisions but when that decision is made, don’t try to carry the old life with you.  Express gratitude and allow it to stay where it is.  It served its purpose.  I used to think “What if I need it again?” and I realized that we are always provided for.  Someone else may need that tool we used during our trials so it’s not up to us to deprive them—we have the responsibility to help where we can.  It’s easier to do that when we know what we need.  So ultimately, get clear and let the rest go. 

You can’t complain about your plate being too full if you asked to eat.  I actually heard this from a girl on my team the other day and it stopped me in my tracks.  How often do we say we want things to change or that we want to meet a goal only to complain about it when it shows up or there’s work to be done?  How often are we looking at what we do during the day and asking if it serves the goal?  There’s a difference between filling our time with purposeful and result producing actions and filling our time with busy work.  Busy work will always leave us feeling drained because it’s a time suck.  When we fill our time with result producing activities that drive us forward, we may feel tired but we aren’t drained.  I’ve struggled with something at my 9-5 for a long time and I confronted someone about it the other day.  I walked out of that office feeling utterly spent—exhausted.  It was only 11:00AM and I hadn’t even been there a full three hours and I thought I could lay on the floor and go to sleep.  Later that night I had a meeting with my team.  It was late—it started at 9PM and I had been up since before 4AM—but I ended that call feeling more alive than I had all day.  That’s a good example of how it feels when spirit tells us where we need to go.  It will feel good no matter what else we may be going through.      

The point of the full plate is the universe’s response to what we said we could do and what we want to do.  We receive the things that will help us become the people we want to be.  There may be discomfort as we adjust to what the new requirements are and the things we have to give up, but the plate looks different when we choose different goals.  For example, if we want to be stronger, we will be given things that make us stronger.  People will show up who need our help and expertise when we ask to be of service.  It may not be convenient when it shows up, but the universe wants to see how serious we are about our priorities.  It may happen right in the middle of our day to day job and we may feel overwhelmed, but we have to remember, focus on what brings us closer to our goals.  Remember, if we ask for it, we need to act on it when the opportunity presents itself.  The focus, intention, and the action are what moves us forward.  We can’t talk about the big goals and continue the same patterns.  The universe needs us to get uncomfortable so we grow.    

Above all, we need to remember that the full plate is designed for our benefit, and it really doesn’t feel full if it’s aligned with our purpose and who we are.  This life has prepared us to be who we are meant to be and it will continue to send us the tools we need to fulfill our purpose.  The work we need to be ourselves, to be the best version of ourselves shows up exactly when we need it.  We need to be grateful when it shows up.  Take it as a sign of our alignment, don’t be afraid of it.  The beautiful part in all of this is that when our plate becomes too full, we have the ability to feed others.  That’s the magic of the universe—we are always provided for in the way we need most and then we are able to help provide for others.  Aligned work doesn’t really feel like work and it serves many.  It energizes us and it keeps us in constant flow where time is irrelevant.  We can stop carrying multiple plates and we can focus on the one that fills us up the most so that way the unnecessary work falls away and the goal becomes clear.  Be purposeful and intentional and we can’t go wrong.  Always be grateful for what we have, release what we no longer need, and find ways to share our plate. It all falls into place.   

I want to share this obvious reminder as a follow up to our discussion on new goals.  We’ve talked about similar topics before but I thought this concept was interesting because we need to know who we are so we can recognize who others are.  Then we can honor those little details about them to show we care who they are and we understand them and are grateful to have them in our lives.  Conversely, when we know who others are and we pay attention to their needs, we learn to identify our own needs.  The whole of energy exchange is about finding that authenticity in ourselves and others. Honoring the value in others helps us honor the value in ourselves and vice versa.  It’s like what we discussed yesterday—knowing how to meet our own needs helps us meet other’s needs and meeting others needs (as appropriate) helps us learn how to meet our needs.  Energy is an exchange.  There is nothing to suggest that any one person’s needs are less valuable than anyone else’s.  In fact, the more our needs are met, the higher the likelihood that we can and will help others.   

The whole reason I wanted to evaluate my goals was because I see how my anxiety and my fears make it too easy to hide or point fingers at others, and quite frankly, how it can make us a little selfish. It truly isn’t intentional and it probably came from the fact that my needs/wants were treated as an inconvenience or something to be met when there was time.  I spent so much time focusing on what I needed because I was afraid I wouldn’t get what I needed.  I had to find ways to meet my own needs—I was provided for materially, but emotionally I was bankrupt and it was very clear that our person didn’t matter, pleasing others came first.  I also spent a lot of time trying to get recognition and attention from others to prove I was worthy of what I needed or what I wanted.  That made me hyper aware of how I came across to people and I got really messed up when people didn’t seem to understand me or when others got what I thought I earned.  So now, instead of focusing on what others have, I like to focus on how I can contribute.  Their success is my success.

That pivot makes it clear that it isn’t about who is better or worse or even who is worthy—we are all worthy.  We all have unique gifts and ways to serve—and we have unique ways of sharing/exchanging energy.  We have the ability to make the choice and it’s important to make sure we honor everyone as best as we can.  That isn’t to say that we have to meet all people’s needs at all times or even that we have to agree with everyone.  It is to say that sometimes getting outside of ourselves and seeing that everyone is doing their best in a really messed up system is enough.  We are all worthy and when we help in ways that serve, we highlight that worthiness.  Our value isn’t in what we earn or what we acquire, it’s in how we use our gifts to help others.  It’s in how we show others their inherent worth.  Our value shines the more we honor others. 

Sometimes the universe has unexpected ways of showing us what’s important and the areas we need to focus on.  We go out somewhere and suddenly we have a particular feeling but we ignore it and then it turns out the instinct was correct.  Or, we tend to get so focused on ourselves because we are so used to having to take care of everything and make all decisions and then we see we really need to move our focus outside of ourselves.  Or we find ourselves exhausted doing the things we used to do and we see that it’s because those are the things we no longer need to focus on, they don’t excite us the same way, or they don’t serve their purpose.  I’ve had a few humbling experiences over the last month, many gratifying experiences, and many things that I’m grateful humbled me.  I always took pride in being independent and getting things done on my own—and it has been valuable.  But I’ve had a few experiences lately that have made me shift focus and some that made me realize that independence has made me hyper focused on me.  With that, I’ve realized I need to change my goals.

We were in the middle of decorating the house for Christmas the other day and my husband and I were both struggling with lights—him exterior and me interior.  He realized that he needed to buy new ones because there was no saving what he had left.  My immediate thought was panic about spending money and also frustration because I only had so much time to finish the house and I wanted to get it done.  I agreed to go to the store with him after a lot of pushing because I knew my anxiety was triggered.  We went to the store and we spent a good amount of time going through the lights and I spent that entire visit focused on the money and trying to find the best deal.  We ended up with a decent compromise and drove home but I told him not to settle for something he didn’t want.  We each went back to our respective projects and after about 20 minutes, I heard him losing it again—there was a 5 foot section of light out in the middle of this 133 foot reel.  I realized then that he should have followed his instincts and I should have just relaxed and let him do his thing.  We ended up back at the store and having to go to another one.  So the process of fearing spending made us waste even more time.  The lesson is to let go of fear and trust instincts.

The next lesson is about relationships and realizing that I need to do better.  I’ve been struggling with getting gifts for the last few people on my list and while visiting some friends during their holiday set up, she shared some of the stuff she got this year.  I was blown away by how personal and detail oriented the gifts were.  This is someone I love to pieces but struggle with jealousy because she is incredibly confident, super smart, and very generous.  I saw the difference in what she did versus what I had and felt ashamed because I felt my focus was on how everything looked and checking off a list.  Seeing that difference in motivation, I understood I need to become a better listener/person and better at recognizing people and their needs.  While my friend can be high maintenance or even seem self-focused at all times, it was clear in her gift giving that she pays a lot of attention to the details of someone’s life and really learns who they are and what they like—she knows how to get to the personal part of someone and making them feel special, heard, and seen. 

I had a few revelations at that as well because my friend is always crystal clear on her needs and she isn’t afraid to ask for them no matter what.  She doesn’t worry about what others think or if it’s inconvenient to them (not in a rude way)— she knows how to recognize her needs and I think that allows her to understand other people’s needs as well.  She then takes the time to try and fulfill them to the best of her ability.  We were both really candid about our anxiety and she shared she doesn’t open up much to others.  I think her anxiety makes her extra alert to others because she is so keen on her feelings as well.  I tend to collapse into my fear—she refocuses her fear.  It makes her as impatient as I am, but she is highly aware and detail oriented.  Plus she makes different choices in how she spends her time.  She has the time to focus like that because she doesn’t commute every day, she doesn’t go to the store to do her shopping and she doesn’t have to cook or do laundry.  That leaves a lot of time to pay attention to others.  There is no judgement in that from me, but it does help level-set.  It guides me to how I want to be and where I need to shift my attention and my energy.  The goals are really about identifying what we need so we can identify the needs in others—not so we can look a certain way.  I’m grateful to be humbled and I’m grateful to have friends who show me other ways.  Now I have ways to see how I can fulfill my purpose without fearing who I am.  I can just be.

Today I am grateful for love.  My husband and I have been together over 22 years at this point. We’ve been through every up and down imaginable and we have made it together.  We’ve had friendships come and go, we’ve gotten incredibly close to people only to find out they weren’t who they said they were or that we simply weren’t on the same page.  Over the last couple of years, we are fortunate to have found what seems to be the right groove/group for us.  There is so much to be said for the safety that comes with having a core group of people around you that you can rely on and that you can support in return.  There is something to be said for the connection that comes from the rawness of who we are as we are.  Yes, it’s vulnerable and it can feel scary especially when you haven’t had many people you can trust like that, but when it finds you, it is the safest feeling in the world.  No matter what my husband and I have been through together, it’s nice to have outside support as well.  That type of love and care is a rare thing in this world and it isn’t something I take for granted.  Being seen and accepted only helps us all flourish and I am grateful to have people who help us do just that.

Today I am grateful for beauty and magic.  We had dinner with friends last night and it was an amazing experience.  As you can tell from my first section above, there was a ton of love in the air.  But beyond that, the atmosphere itself was pure magic.  Our friend is in love with Christmas—and I mean, in LOVE with Christmas.  The entire house is decked out in some of the most beautiful Christmas decorations I have ever seen.  I counted roughly 18 trees (all differently themed) decorated to the 10’s (totally surpassed the 9’s 😊), the garland, the lights, the nutcrackers, the entire ambiance was complete magic.  The time, effort, and care that went into preparing that house is unmatched—the joy and love of it was palpable.  It was literally breathtaking and an amazing reminder of the magic humans can create when they do what they love.  It was a privilege to witness it in person and a wonderful way to start the holiday festivities—good food, good friends, and a beautiful set up.      

Today I am grateful for understanding my faults.  I feel like I’ve received a reality check this week.  I spent so much time berating myself for things I’ve done in the past that I haven’t addressed where I’m at now.  I have this idea of who I want to be and what I want to do but I don’t take action because there is clearly something in me that refuses to let go of the past.  I continually tell myself this story of how unworthy I am and how I have to prove myself or that I can’t do things because I’ve been held back by others.  There is truth to that story (a lot of truth unfortunately) but it isn’t what’s happening now.  I’ve been so stuck in protecting an image that I haven’t addressed what I can do now.  I’ve often wrestled with ego because I have this weird relationship with myself where I’m simultaneously ashamed of who I am and demand love/attention/respect.  I’ve been reminded beautifully that in those moments, I have to direct my attention to someone else.  This isn’t to say I’m a narcissist or that I never pay attention to others, but my emotions and needs aren’t always at the forefront.  I have to trust that my needs will be met as well and that if I have the ability to help others, that needs to be the focus. Putting aside ego is a beautiful thing.  It strips away any “should” we have in relation to what we think it should be and forces us to address the moment.

Today I am grateful for personal responsibility and accountability.  With the exercises of putting aside ego, I’ve learned that personal responsibility and accountability are actionable things—and this is where real power lies.  Not that I didn’t know that and not that I haven’t spoken of it before, but the truth is it’s a vibrational thing with our actions.  That’s what needs to be put into practice.  We can say we have decided to do something but if we don’t do it, it won’t get done.  We can say we are a certain type of person but if we simply repeat patterns, we will get what we always got. We don’t need power over people, we don’t need people to see us or treat us a certain way to achieve our goals—we simply need to decide and be the person we decide to be.  Alignment is matching the action to the vibration.  We are creatures of habit and it can be difficult to put aside some of those habits, but it’s necessary if we are going to be something else.  That power is ours.

Today I am grateful for the pivot.  Maybe this is more about being grateful for things clicking in my mind.  I have been terrified to take big steps toward my goals because I know (or at least I think I know) it will mean a time of scrambling and trying to float until we get to the other side.  In my mind that looks like a time where we will be waiting for the security of what we know now to come through from a different source.  Having faith means being decisive and taking the leap regardless of what it looks like.  That behavior is how we get stuck between two places—what we know (familiar/routine) and what we want (purpose/fulfillment).  The only way to get what we want is to become the person who does those things.  We have to do what the person we want to become would do—not what we know.  We have to be ready to let go of what we know if we are going to move forward.  We can show our gratitude for that person getting us where we are today and then we can lovingly leave that version behind us.  We can’t carry all of that with us, we can only take the lesson.  When we pivot our thoughts/decisions, we pivot our entire life.   

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“The spirit tells us what we want and we need to honor that or we will constantly feel unfulfilled,” Paula Daly.  Humans have so many parts that create their being that we need to dive into how they function together.  Our spirit is what we are born with that tells us what we are meant to do.  It’s our purpose, our passion, our belief, our will, the things that call to us and that bring us joy.  Our character is the expression of that and the behaviors we consistently demonstrate.  We tend to wear many masks based on the circumstances and at any given time, we confuse the other parts of us.  We ignore what we feel in place of what we are told needs to be done. In some cases it’s absolutely necessary we do that, but when we constantly ignore the call to our purpose, we lose touch with our innate intuition/connection with spirit.  The bottom line is we need to give the spirit the attention it needs and listen to intuition. 

We can’t choose to focus on one set of needs and expect the others to go away.  Some people may feel like they can do that, but they end up frustrated and lost, or feeling unfulfilled.  We need to find the way to honor the entirety of what we need.  This is balance.  No one has done it perfectly, but there are ways to maintain our integrity that still serve everyone while honoring who we are and meeting our needs.  For those of us raised to meet other people’s needs first, this can be challenging because we were taught it’s selfish to ever focus on what we need over someone else’s needs.  It took me a long time to understand that if I don’t have the energy or capacity to help people because I’m feeling like crap, then I’m not doing any good for them anyway.  We can do so much more when we are fulfilled and happy.  A full cup runs over to help fill others’ cups. 

If we want to be able to help others through our goals, then we need to be able to honor the little voice we hear inside nudging us toward a particular action.  The call never goes away—the voice may get smaller and quieter, but it’s always there.  It needs to be heard.  I personally don’t want to go through life feeling like I’m missing something.  Through honoring who we are, we learn to honor others and we learn to identify the things that others need or identify their struggles.  The beautiful thing is if we know who we are and we can understand what others are going through, we are able to identify HOW we are able to help them.  Knowing ourselves helps us identify our super-powers, the gifts we have that others need and we readily have access to use for them.  Learn to quiet the mind and hear what needs to be fulfilled.  Honor where we are and believe that we can get so much further through meeting our needs so we can help others.  There will be nothing missing in our lives if we learn to honor who we are—and the outer expression will match the inner desire.         

This is a complicated one today.  Not that we haven’t discussed grace before, but I had some setbacks that I want to get into.  I have been doing really well as far as keeping my spirits high and believing in the signs knowing I’m on the right path.  In spite of that, I fell back into some habits that I’m not proud of due to anxiety.  I had been sick for a while with a bad case of bronchitis, so I hadn’t been out much for about three weeks and I certainly wasn’t drinking and I wasn’t eating to excess—I dropped about 15 pounds.  Once I was well enough, we were falling into Thanksgiving and my husband’s birthday celebration.  On Thanksgiving itself, I had a ton of anxiety being around two members of my family.  I picked up a beer.  I don’t know why, maybe it was just the habit or I was subconsciously trying to soothe myself, but I had a second one.  I didn’t eat much in spite of the feast, but those beers called to me.  A few days later at my husband’s birthday celebration/friendsgiving, I drank more.  Then I drank again the following weekend.  I started eating like crap again too—my husband sweetly surprised us with donuts and sugar is my ultimate weakness.  I only had half a day, but that was something I didn’t need.  I ate hot dogs and cheesy bread.  The anxiety only got worse (naturally).

Work held a few tense moments as well.  The entire leadership staff were berated by our president for a poor clinical survey.  My boss told me how unhappy she was with an incident that happened with myself and another employee.  I had to work with correcting an employee and the conversation was so all over the place I could barely manage my energy.  Being there sent me into several toxic thought patterns and old negative thoughts started popping in again.  I went to a friend’s house to drop something off only to find that their kid was sick.  I just finished steroids so my immunity is lower so I freaked out and I said outright that I can’t stay around her because I can’t get sick.  I felt terrible about it.  Why? They should have told me their kid was sick whether I was healthy or not, but especially knowing I had just gotten better and was compromised.  I shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to get sick again after being sick for almost a month. I’ve had fear thoughts about botching a deal I was working on because of a missed email.  It came up in my inbox as read 10 days ago and I didn’t respond to it.  I was furious—how could I miss such an amazing opportunity?   It was similar to the feeling that the other shoe was about to drop in spite of receiving AMAZING signs I was on the right path.  Why was I self-sabotaging when I had finally gotten to the point where I felt progress?  Initially it was subconscious but I came to the reality that subconsciously I still struggled with believing I was worth the good or that I could attain it.  That is a hard beast to slay.  I had been feeling so much overwhelm in general that my brain struggled to keep up and the conversations with family, friends, my boss all sent me reeling.  Then I started feeling angry, ashamed, and guilty because I was going back to old habits.           

So, where is the grace?  The grace is in calming down and refocusing.  The grace is in accepting my humanity and knowing that we all fall of the track sometimes.  Grace is in dealing with where I’m at right now because I can’t change what I did.  Grace is in remembering my own boundaries and goals and doing what is in alignment with that.  Grace is in stopping doing what doesn’t make sense to me and not feeling obligated because someone else expects me to.  Grace is in not feeling guilty for holding to those boundaries.  Grace is continuing to love myself especially when I don’t feel loveable right now.  Grace is taking the time to breathe when I want to jump out of my skin.  Grace is focusing on the task in front of me.  Grace is taking care of myself and knowing that is the path forward.  Grace is trusting that all will turn out exactly as its meant to with a positive outcome for all.  Grace is choosing to believe there are options even if it feels like things are falling apart.  Grace is putting one foot in front of the other when I feel like I can barely crawl.  Grace is knowing that I am worthy no matter what unfolds.  Grace is letting go of control and allowing things to come together.  Grace is there when we can’t be there for ourselves.

I had a humbling lesson in acceptance from some friends the other day.  We were invited to a tree lighting ceremony in a town about an hour from us and we ended up in two different spots.  Both of us thought the other was in the wrong spot at first and my initial reaction was annoyance because I thought we were in the wrong spot after a minute and we had just spent money on parking.  I let the fear take over and I got angry about wasting money and about not communicating clearly where we were supposed to meet.  I didn’t want it to be about control because the point is that we were supposed to meet at a certain place at a certain time and we weren’t together.  Plus we had never done it before so I was upset they weren’t more clear with us about where we were going.  At the end of the day, it all worked out—we realized they were in the wrong spot, we stayed where we were, and they found us and didn’t need to pay additionally for their parking.  The lesson: relax, listen, breathe and it all works out in the end. It became a lesson in flow as well as love.

There were other moments that weekend that it felt like things were just kind of out of sync with everyone.  I had a few days off this past week and my husband and I enjoyed some lunches together.  During the last lunch he got a call and was invited to a friend’s house—I told him to go.  Later I found out that the wives were there and never invited me.  I started getting insecure. I was aggravated by everyone everywhere.  Like, we did what we needed to do, but everything was so busy and people were insane in the stores and we couldn’t find everything we needed. We left the store my husband wanted to go to and my kid asked if we could go somewhere he wanted to—I didn’t think it was a big deal because we had time but my husband didn’t want to.  My kid ended up crying in the backseat silently and I didn’t see his face until we got all the way to the next location.  Right away I was pissed because it felt like a power play.  All of this combined led me to feel extremely off kilter and frustrated—and insecure.  I started questioning if people didn’t like me because they kept blowing me off or not including me and the emotions kind of got all over the place. 

 So with this I realized that I’m still a control freak, especially when it comes to time.  I hate it when things aren’t planned out.  Like basic things like if we are going to meet people somewhere—where are we going to meet?  What time?  What are we actually doing?  I mean we don’t need every detail to the second, but we are too old wasting our time figuring out what we are going to do that evening when we get together.  We have other people involved and I have always found it rude to make people struggle to connect.  I know there is value in going with whatever the scenario brings but there is a time and place when we need to lock down some details or what the expectation is.  That part isn’t unreasonable in my mind.  But I can’t expect people to get there the same way I do.  People don’t have the same reaction to finding each other.  They don’t have the same reaction I do to making people wait, or waiting in chaos.  I can’t expect them to feel the same way I do or understand how I feel if they view it differently.    

So here was my lesson in flow: I have to let people be who they are because there is a reason I love them.  I love them more than my annoyance at feeling confused/lost when we aren’t communicating well.  And that is the key: we need to communicate better.  This is a relationship I value and want to take care of so that is more important than getting upset that I wasn’t in full control.  I don’t want them to be who I think they should be, I love them as they are.  There is a lot in life that we can’t control and we have to learn to navigate through it—it’s easier to do that with support and help from friends.  I can’t isolate myself because people aren’t living up to some arbitrary expectation.  The people are important, not that their behavior is what I thought it would be.  We need relationships and people we can rely on and in order to keep them around, we need to accept them as they are.