A brief discussion on personal power and power sharing—the obsession with power and how all of our fallouts have come down to power and wanting to control people and outcomes. Myliek Packett discusses her perspective on how power has shifted our views, beliefs, and actions in this world and all of those things, the search for power has created nearly all of our issues. I thought this was a good follow up to our discussion on being made mean by our circumstances yesterday in that we are made mean when we all ow others to influence how we feel about ourselves. When we give in to their opinions and beliefs about who we are and what we are supposed to do, we abandon who we are and then we seek ways to fill the voids we are missing, including seeking power. In short, the desire for power in our own lives, even the desire to reclaim our power, is part of what makes us mean. When we get mean and jaded we seek power in other places.
Power is something we’ve gone over a lot as well: we feel the most power when we are fully honest with who we are and we allow others to be who they are. We understand that we attract what we need and what matters by being exactly who we are meant to be—and that’s far easier than trying to make the world bend to who we are. In Packett’s discussion, we also understand that sharing power and encouraging power in others, we ignite and increase the power faster than giving our power to someone else or exerting power over them. We help each other achieve through understanding that all success helps others succeed. The expansion of it helps others grow and growth is good for all of us. It’s safer to share power than to hoard it because when power gets out of control it hurts us all. We are in full control of our emotions. We can’t let the rawness of what happened change who we are—we need to keep perspective. We are meant to lighten the load for each other, not hurt each other, and if the goal is growth and improvement, we do that better together.
“I was tame, I was gentle ‘til the circus life made me mean,” Taylor Swift. I’ve NEVER been a “Swiftie”—I’m still not, but I will say there are a few lines in her work that have resonated with me lately. In the spirit of continuing this discussion on pain, honest growth, and leaving space for the good to enter, I have really looked at my role here. Asked what kind of light I am, what is the purpose of all this, and ow I want to contribute moving forward. And I’ve seen the pain the systems have caused in my life, my family’s life, and the lives of my friends/the people I know. Pain and grief touch us all, but it doesn’t need to be grief caused by each other. I see the result of years of trying to find acceptance instead of working on accepting myself and I see the same in others. I remember the open heart before all the crap happened. There are these moments in our lives when we feel a fundamental shift toward a new clarity and we see everything that brough us to where we are, to how we are. We were a certain way, we felt or believed a certain way until this one thing.
We can decide to understand that this has happened to all of us. Even if the circumstances differ, we know we are not unique in that turning point. No one wants to experience that and no one should have to but it will take a long time to consciously stop that behavior. It will take a collective shift in purpose. I think the thing that struck me from this line of Taylor’s was the “circus life.” All of this life is a performance. We think we need to be seen a certain way and that we need to act a certain way and we end up spending more time manipulating people and controlling their perception (or trying to control it) than we do managing our own energy and creating what we want. When we create what we want we start emitting the energy of what we want rather than forcing people to bend to it, we automatically attract what it is we were working toward. Maintaining our authentic self through all of the outside interference clears all that up and we never have to be mean, we never allow the outside to change who we are.
This world is about maintaining the strength that comes with being who we really are. I will repeat it as often as necessary: not about maintaining power over others, but the power we have in who we are and not allowing outside influence to sway us from doing what is right or from fulfilling our purpose. We have to be strong in who we are in order to not let the outside influence who we are. Don’t let what happens and the actions of others make us mean or anything further from who we are. Be calm. Be tame. Allow people to be who they are and that means allowing them to come and go as necessary. Not everyone is meant to be with us forever. We are the only ones who will be with us from the beginning to the end. We all have lessons to learn but we don’t have to make them alter our course if we are already on the right path—and only we can know that. Find what we connect with, what resonates, what feels right. Take what we know and appreciate the time we have while we are here, make the most of it—don’t let it make us mean. Don’t let it pass, don’t let the pain change who we are. Be present and love what we have while we are here and leave that light behind.
“Every 100 years there are all new people on this planet,” Anne Lamott. In the perspective of time and courage and what we do with our time, there is no point in holding back. We are here so briefly and we are given thought, feeling, and inspiration and those things together give us our purpose. We are in this together during this time for a reason, to help foster growth and creativity and to shift the energy. We need to celebrate who we are and have patience and love for those around us. Allow everyone to be themselves and shine their light: stop searching for power, and learn to share the light that ignites the power in others. The other side to this is that every 100 years there are all new people on this planet so there is no reason to not live fully and do exactly what we are meant to do, to be who we are meant to be—time is precious and short. I woke up and realized that over 8 months have passed in this year already and I literally have no clue how I got here. I’ve been working every day, I’ve been taking care of my family, and all of a sudden we are entering the last third of the year. That would happen regardless but the question becomes what did we do with that time?
We can’t change time, it moves forward no matter what we do no matter how hard we wish to change it. But we can make better decisions with our time while we are here. We can understand that the rules of nature are finite but the rules of man are not. We are meant to change the rules and, as I’m getting older, I’m starting to wonder what value the rules really have. I’m not saying that we should operate in moral decency at all times, but the question of what is moral changes. We used to kill people for perceived disloyalty to the crown, to their teams, to their family, for perceived snubs. We would cause physical harm to those just trying to survive and we would harm others for interfering with our perceived survival. We put material over the person and protected systems over people—who says that’s right? We have created arbitrary rules of success and what people should make their lives like and then put systems in place that make it nearly impossible to achieve that so they feel like they have no other choice. That’s setting people up to fail.
So our purpose while we are here is to make things brighter, easier, and better for those around us and for those to come. Make no mistake we have made fantastic progress technologically but we are lacking spiritually and understanding what purpose we really have. We are making some strides in the effort toward equality but even that feels more like a trap in regards to managing feelings and opinion over what reality is. I talk about honoring feelings but this is just as dangerous as ignoring everyone’s needs because we allow perception to win instead of reality. We are born with this team in this time and we have a purpose. We are ever moving closer to that purpose and we are making changes, but we can only get there if we fully release our hold on what we know (and this may seem contradictory to what I just said) and go with what we feel. I’m not talking about letting feelings run rampant and going on whim, I’m talking about a deep connection with our soul, our purpose, and acting from there. There is no need to complicate our time here either with fear of how we look or with forcing ourselves and others to fit in a box. Break the damn box and work on connecting with humanity. Imagine what the world will look 100 years from now—let our absence create the space for love to create something good, to foster new growth like I talked about yesterday. We can leave this better than we found it—that is our purpose.
“Perhaps this next stage has more to do with who and what you’re choosing to grow with rather than who and what you’re letting go of,” via WildWomanRising. When we focus on what we are losing, all we see is the absence of what was there. This is what it means when it’s said we have to choose our thoughts, our focus carefully because we attract what we think of. While the pain may be real, if all we can see is what ISN’T there, then we don’t see what IS there. There is no room for something else to enter when we are holding the absence at attention. The weight of looking at what’s coming when you can’t see it definitely challenges the psyche. When we lose something, we are keenly aware of something that existed and is no longer there. It’s harder to imagine something that never existed. I’m learning that it isn’t necessarily about seeing something specific entering in place of a loss, it’s about creating the space for something new and letting the universe fill it in how it intended.
Growth doesn’t always happen with a specific intention—sometimes all growing means is exposing more to the light and allowing whatever IS, to be. While we have no control over the outcome, we can set the stage, the conditions, and focus on what we want to grow. We can put that energy toward what we want rather than what we don’t want or what we don’t have. It changes the direction we go. It’s the difference between heading toward the light and fixating on the dark. This is the realm of navigating by feeling, learning about honoring who we are, and following intuition. Keeping hope, especially in the middle of loss, is a great challenge because we are naturally emotionally attached to what it is we are losing. We do have the power to choose to feel appreciation for the fact that we had whatever it was we lost, and we can acknowledge that we aren’t able to change that it’s gone. From there we can choose what we want to bring in/attract in its place.
None of this means that we didn’t have love and appreciation for what was there. It doesn’t mean that we didn’t learn lessons from it. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t sad that it’s gone. It just means that we have to learn to do things differently without it. The pain is real, but it’s an opportunity to see what really matters and start to simplify all of the other nonsense in our lives. Let go of what isn’t important, realize what we need, focus on that. Even the things we love can be a distraction if we covet it. We are meant to operate freely. Siddhartha talks about the raft—and I know I’ve shared this in my work before. Even if we spend time building it, even if it helped us along the way, we have to let it go when it has served it’s purpose, otherwise we are carrying a burden that holds us back rather than something that helps us move forward. Show gratitude and lovingly allow ourselves to move on. I’d be lying if I said it got easier—the hurt is the same whether it’s the first or the hundredth time experiencing that loss. But it gets easier to understand. Love, and allow the light to enter the space created in the absence of what once was. Light fosters new growth, and soon, while there is no replacement, new life forms. We find home in our hearts as we carry that love with us, we appreciate the life we had, and we see it’s all in us no matter if it’s here physically or not. It can never really leave us.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage,” Lao Tzu. I’ve spoken often about love. What it feels like, what it does to us, what we would be willing to do for it. I never really considered what seeking love does for us from the perspective of living and purpose. God, I have so much to learn still. How can I share this if there are still facets that I’m learning myself? If I hold it too close will the good things still grow? (Beaches). Sometimes we don’t know what we have in the way of love until it’s gone. And love comes in so many different forms. The friend texting to check on us or sending us memes that we related to. The phone call from our significant other just to say hi. The cook book your mother picks up because she knows you like a certain kind of food. The extra long hug from your dad. The zoom calls with your siblings to check in. All of the ways this shows love boils down to connection. The more connected we are with people, the deeper we feel the resonance. There are things we do for those we love that we don’t do so easily for others and there are things we can do when we know we have the support of others that we wouldn’t do on our own.
When we look at love objectively, without romance, it’s a vibration and an energy of understanding. The more we understand the more tolerance we have for humanity and trying new things—so we have tolerance for others and ourselves. We see that the world doesn’t always operate in certainties and we accept it rather than try to change it. This means that while we know we can’t change what happens around us or what other people do, we know that we can change ourselves and it takes courage to operate outside of the social norm. It takes courage to decide who we are and to stand in that identity—and it takes as much courage to decide that what we’ve done isn’t working any longer. Love is all around—the very essence of nature is love. We are provided for in every way. We’ve done some pretty cool stuff over time and worked with nature and physics to make life a bit easier, but at its core, we know that nature will take care of us just as it is. All of the rules we put on life are for purposes man created. That is the nature of the universe. When we love we understand that more.
We see that the universe is all inclusive—we are all here at this time for a reason and it truly doesn’t have anything to do with power or control. It has to do with creating a resonance that raises the light of this entire planet. When we feel love and when we receive love we are open to the idea that there is more than enough for everyone—competition isn’t necessary neither is consumerism at the degree we see it today to the point where we monetize these systems and we are more apt to protect how that system operates rather than the people behind it. We see that there are infinite possibilities and that it’s more important o form those connections than it is to control others. We all do better when we do better and love guides us down that path. We need love to help show us what is really important, to create that connection, to create that understanding, to raise the collective vibration. Love isn’t meant to be choked. It isn’t meant to hurt. It is meant to bring us out of our comfort zone and to each other. So to my earlier question about how can I share this if I’m still struggling to learn this…we all keep trying to learn and be who we are meant to be, and we share as we learn.
Today I am grateful for creative surges. In the middle of hurt and pain and sorrow, a certain type of pressure reveals itself and suddenly ideas emerge. It’s not unheard of: JK Rowling when she was on food stamps, actors on the brink of losing their apartments or living out of their cars, the people who literally are on their last shot before they have to give up. It’s often in the final fringes of holding things together in an effort to get to the next step that we find a way to MacGyver our lives together. A way we hadn’t seen before pops up and we find a way to snap it all together. The pain of our losses over the last few weeks, specifically this last (not even full) week, have brought out a different feeling. I know some of it was fight or flight in the beginning, trying to avoid dealing with the new reality. But, at the same time, some of it was the new reality breaking through and making the next steps clear. Some pain, some stressors, some sorrow, strips away all BS instantly and we know what to do. The universe gives us these ideas, not from compulsion, but from necessity. There are no questions, just steps. “When trials come the things that are important become really clear,” Alisha Reynolds.
Today I am grateful for support. I am not the type of person who asks for help easily or frequently—trauma response from trying to prove I can handle anything my older siblings can. To prove that I wasn’t taking advantage of anything, that I was meant to be here too. While it has made me capable of dealing with many things, it has also made me unaware of certain things I CAN’T handle on my own. As much as I struggle with where I am at right now in my personal and professional life, I will not deny that people have stepped forward to help me, that I am aware people are there. I know they don’t all fully understand what I’m going through but they are there and that is saying something.
Today I am grateful for acceptance. While I don’t accept what has happened over the last week (mainly because it’s still a lot to wrap my head around), I am accepting that this is different—this is the after. I am also accepting that what we did before isn’t working and that I’ve spent too much time trying to make it work. There is a certain amount of pain in letting a dream go, but a certain amount of relief in letting go of the stubbornness in holding onto it. Sometimes when things aren’t working we have to admit it and move on. That’s the easiest thing to do. Doesn’t mean it IS easy, but it makes the understanding of the situation is easier. When we understand what’s working and what isn’t , it’s easier to accept what needs to be done next. And if we don’t know what to do then that is the time to do nothing until the steps become clear. Sometimes we have to accept that all we have to do is work on understanding—there isn’t anything to do, just transition.
Today I am grateful for taking care of my family. As a group we’ve been to the edge a lot lately, we’ve been in the in-between a lot lately. And in both extremes there is no balance. While we have no say in what happens in our external world, the external is a reflection of what is going on in the inside. Things like loss are often out of our control so when we are at that edge of the spectrum all we can do is control our processing. When the rest of the environment around us starts to fall apart then we need to bring it back to what’s important. Taking care of the family, meeting our day to day needs. Sometimes sickness comes out of nowhere and we can’t do anything to stop it, loss happens out of nowhere and the pain infiltrates the entire group. In this moment all I can do is be here. Can’t change any of it, but I can be here and make sure that we are together, that we love together, that we process together. We don’t know what it looks like coming up, but we have each other. I am grateful that I can still take care of my family.
Today I am grateful for priority. I know the first thing I want to focus on now. I do not take for granted that I have been gifted with multiple talents and dreams and vision and even the capability to execute and see them through. I’ve been reminded that even if we can do it all, we can’t do it all at once. Sometimes we have to let something slide so we can focus on what matters. Even if it all matters, we can’t be present for it all at one time. We can each only do so much, we are human and, as much as I would love to be everywhere at once, we can only be in one spot at a time. I’ve found myself wanting to turn back time more than ever and feeling particularly weak for not knowing what else to do. So all I can do is be present and drop all the extraneous crap that I’ve put on myself and start working on one thing at a time, the thing that speaks to me the most. The thing that provides the most relief, the most joy, the biggest bang for the effort. It’s not about numbing, it’s about active participation and decisiveness. We can’t change what happened but we can decide what comes next.
So as the universe would have it, there are signs of encouragement as I wake up this morning. Signs of inspiration and ideas. I am still rife with grief but I have this surge of understanding about what I really want—not where I found the same clarity before and would still do a million other things, this is laser focused and directing me toward what feels right. I literally left work yesterday because I couldn’t tolerate being there, the behavior. It may have been a fight or flight response as well, but it was decisive and clear—I needed to not deal with that bullshit. I came home and continued working from there. And I am not a huge fan of my job so for me to choose to continue working says something. There is an immense amount of clarity right now, unlike anything there was before. I do my spiritual work in the morning and sometimes I get this writing in and as it happens today there was a lot of encouragement in the vein of you have no idea what’s happening right now or what the confusion means but it is all happening for a reason. It’s time to trust God’s plan, it’s time to let go of time and the idea of what I thought would happen and it’s time to no longer play small. Find inspiration and joy—let go of time and allow the things that really fill me up to guide me toward what I am meant to do. Allow. Surrender.
As I began my normal routine, I came across a reminder about the Eagle making the decision part way through it’s life to either give up hunting or go into isolation for a while and sharpen its beak and talons. Right now I feel like I am so dull, I am all over the place, and I still have this lack of clarity. Until I decided to walk away from work. In that moment I understood that it isn’t selfish, this is following my path. I no longer want to participate in the games that people play and I no longer want to be responsible for what people say and do and managing their emotions and interpretations—I have bigger goals to guide. It’s felt empty walking in there for a long time and now that I have this emptiness at home as well, I no longer want to do this without purpose. Life is too short. I’ve used my time to control and when it comes to loss and disease we fully understand that there is nothing outside of ourselves that we can control. It’s about finding personal power.
As that would happen, there was a post about personal power and power sharing that came up and the content creator said something along the lines of being obsessed with learning about power. And I understood that there is power in direct, clear focus. I’ve said that a million times yet I allow myself to be distracted constantly. But grief does something and that is create a laser focus, often directly to the heart. And once we get in touch with the heart, it signals the brain on what’s important. The mind will run rampant if we let it, I would like to focus that energy toward something productive and toward something that feels right. That’s what I’ve been encouraging all these years but I’ve still held the childlike illusion that I could do it all. And here’s the reality to that statement: We can do it all but we can’t do it all at once. And the things we aren’t meant to do, the things that aren’t meant for us will never come to fruition. That’s where it is immensely important to know ourselves so we can find what we are meant to do. So the relationship with time and grief is a funny thing. The very things we don’t want to lose can (at times) inspire what we really need to do. That focus to the heart opens a doorway to what we are meant to do.
Life isn’t easy—it was never meant to be easy. But it IS meant to flow. And when we accept that flow it will naturally become easy. We all have hardships, we all have pain, we all have moments when we don’t know if we can go on. I don’t want this moment to be in vain. This pain can be alchemized into something else, and while my heart is ripped open with this loss, I know I am able to turn it into something purposeful. We are being guided to what is meant for us. That conversation about picking up and leaving, while impulsive, actually did raise some good points. The fights we’ve been having over the last several months have raised similar points—they’re all revolving around the idea of discovering what we really want and starting to build our life that way. We know what we have is good and we are grateful for it, but we have to accept the reality of whether or not this is for us, does this match what we want our lives to look like? And in those moments we have no control and our only option is to stay with the pain, that vision becomes clear. We may never get the answers we are looking for and things may not come as we envision them, but if we can find trust in that flow, we can find peace and clarity.
I’m not sure how much longer I can continue to do this work. I don’t feel the same light I used to, the same desire to be that light. I still want people to be happy and to heal but I can’t continue to carry this weight while I am this torn, frayed, in pain. I’ve recently shared the issues that were/are going on with my husband but I haven’t shared the issues with my soul. I’ve kept no secret regarding my lack of self-esteem, my struggle to even like myself, and I’m sure you’ve all read between the lines and noticed the co-dependency issues. Well, as I’ve sought love, there was always one unconditional source no matter what—my animals. I relied on them for emotional support and stability, an outlet, a place I could place all of my love and whatever feelings I had and they never once judged—they openly loved back. Then I met Loki, my gorgeous Maine Coon. That animal brought that love to the next level. Mischievous and playful, loping, huge, loving, and such a gentle giant, that animal is something else.
There are souls in these animals and some of them resonate and cling with our own soul. This creature, from day one, was literally my protector, puffing up when he didn’t like someone, the first one to greet me every day, the one to plop next to me when I was in any type of pain—who carried me through the loss of my second child, the one to sleep with me every night no matter where I was in the house, a solid presence of endless love and acceptance. He had some behavior shifts with eating a few months ago and I instantly knew something was wrong because this cat hasn’t had an issue eating in his entire life. I thought it was a tooth and during the course of discovery, we found it was potentially something more, Protein Losing Enteropathy. He continued to deteriorate, losing weight, until finally I had to take him to a specialist. They found a mass in his intestines. Even initial testing on that was cautiously optimistic as they found no evidence of cancer in the aspirate they took. But he progressively got worse, losing more weight, so even if this was benign it needed to come out.
I met with the surgeon and she immediately said it was cancer but my brain couldn’t wrap around that because we hadn’t confirmed anything the day before—I was confused with the sudden switch. We went from cautiously optimistic with the IM doctor to definitely cancer within 17 hours. Of course she stated it was about 10-15 thousand for the surgery– and that isn’t something I could swing. She said even if I could spend that money there wasn’t a guarantee he would make it. Distraught, I called his regular vet back and asked if they’d be willing to even open him up, take a hail Mary, and just cut it out of him. They said yes and at a significantly better price. We had to get him through the weekend but they would do it and let me/us know what happened in surgery. He was so tired and I knew he was hurting because he was struggling to get comfortable anywhere, but I had hope the entire thing was benign. He sat with me on the couch, even managed to jump to his old spot, he came into the bathroom with me like he always does when I’m showering. Again, I know it wasn’t necessarily a sign of recovery, but I thought there was hope. I brought him in to the vet, still distraught, but clinging to the chance—we even had cicadas on the house again, a sign of good luck for me.
Two hours later I got the call from my husband—they said they hadn’t been able to reach me—and I knew something was wrong. He was unable to merge the call with the vet but he relayed to me that it was indeed cancer and it had spread to both his large and small intestine, and the spot that would have been used to “repair” it was compromised as well. Loki was simply too far gone and even removing it he would likely only survive a week. They recommended allowing him to stay under anesthesia and to put him to sleep right then. I had been on my way to work because I was so determined this would be ok. I had cautiously said my goodbyes and I love yous that morning, but no one is ever ready. But we knew we couldn’t wake him up, take him home, and then repeat this process later. So we opted to follow the recommendation. When I say my heart shattered, I mean it felt like my entire soul was ripped from my body. This is not just a cat.
The day before, Sunday, I had been in the yard and there was a dragonfly behaving unlike any I’d ever seen—I have film of it for over a minute and a half flying around the back yard, running the same path. I thought it was a sign of protection. Then Monday happened and I felt such a flood of confusion and pain. Monday evening the entire family was outside because it was struggle to even get in the house without losing it. It had first been Chris and I mourning and then CJ came out—he had been relatively ok the entire time, playing with his friends. When CJ came outside I could see he was crying and I thought he got hurt and then he broke down bawling that he missed Loki. And that sent all of us over the edge. We allowed him to throw water bottles, to scream, to yell, to cry uncontrollably. We wanted to do the same thing. We all wanted to run away. We literally talked about selling the house and just leaving. We know it was fight or flight, but the entire world seemed upside down, the clouds were off, the sun appeared to be coming from a different direction—reality was not as it should be and we knew it never would be the same again. It still won’t be. And then as we sat there a small dragonfly flitted down and got stuck in a spider web. I immediately grabbed it and set it free. Dragonflies represent illusion, change, transformation—and air. The cat was an air sign, an Aquarius, and seeing the cicadas, the dragonflies, saving the one, all while the storm blew in told me he was still present—and I lost it all over again.
This is still incredibly fresh, he hasn’t even been gone 24 hours yet as I write this. And I am hurting fiercely. We all are. We spent the entire night, all three of us, together in bed. It wasn’t the same as when Loki would climb up to sleep with me, but we have each other. Sunday night the cat curled up with me and I put my arms around him like I always do, grabbed his paws and rubbed them. He placed his head on my hand in a way he never had before, and I felt a surge of fear, like he knew he was near the end. He probably did, and always my protector, he was probably trying to act like his old self that entire day. He was so tired and I know he was hurting, and no matter how much I hurt now, I take the smallest bit of solace that he ISN’T hurting now. I have no idea what comes next. I don’t know what life looks like without him. This house feels so incredibly quiet, like he was the heart of it, and now it’s silent. We had 9 years with him, 9 years of profound, authentic, all encompassing love. I know in my heart that even if we had 90 more it wouldn’t have been enough. But this just wasn’t enough. When we went and saw his body, the tech asked if we wanted more time with him and my husband said, “It’s not the time I want, I want time with him here.” I don’t understand what happened because it happened fast, but I know all I can react to is where we are at now, and we are all very present with the pain. And I can’t fix it. I can’t fix any of it.
I know we will move on at some point…well maybe not move on, but we will form a scar over this wound. It’s going to take a lot of time. But it’s hard to see the light right now, even harder to be the light. These last few months have been an emotional roller coaster unlike anything I’ve ever been through. I feel broken and I don’t see the point. Normally sharing gives me solace, now I am completely inundated with grief and confusion. And emptiness. It really does feel empty right now. There was before, and now there is an unknown after. I need to find what makes me feel like me again, heal the wounds of losing my child, my self-esteem, my confidence, accept the lessons and losses, and find myself without that level of attachment because that guide is gone from this place. But I still consider myself blessed to have had that animal because he was solid ground in a time when I could barely stand. I can’t say I will keep looking for the light right now, but I know I at least need to try and walk again. So that’s where I’m at. There has been too much loss lately and it feels really empty here. But I still wake up, and I’m here. And we have no choice but to see what happens next.
I feel so much right now. Hurt, anger, frustration, fear. It always feels like this. And I feel foolish at times holding on to hope. I know all life inevitably ends but I am tired of the loss. I’m tired of losing. Tired of trying and failing and always for no real reason. Coming up short. Feeling inept and weak. I know this all sounds like ego, but even trying to do the work for the sake of doing the work seems to fall short—someone sweeps in to finish and accuse me of not doing something right. I can’t change what is happening for those I love right now. I want to wave my hands and make it all better. I want to make the entire world better because I feel we can do so much better than we have been. I believe we need to understand things differently and that once we are able to reconcile how the world is with who we really are it will make all the difference. We will understand the difference between want and need and ego and genuine expression.
I’ve had anger and grief as all of my support systems have been taken away, as my trust and hope were continually beaten like a punching bag. And look, my life was still privileged—it did NOT suck and I know there are far worse tragedies in this world. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have real traumas. It’s still hard to breathe and be a light under dirt and it doesn’t matter how deep. If you’re weighed down, you can suffocate under 2 inches the same as 2 feet, or 12 feet, or 20 feet, or 200 feet. Sometimes it’s harder under less because you feel as if you can stop it or move so you constantly move but it eventually finds you and piles up. I know how small we are in this grand scheme but we have still had a powerful impact (sometimes negative) on the universe—so we have power. No matter how small, a cell is designed to grow and there is little difference between growing life or growing disease. Environment plays a role and can be a catalyst or the switch in either direction. But he cell will always do what it was meant to do once it’s activated. And all that, the good and the bad are within us. I’m trying really hard to focus on the good. But I’m tired of chasing the light, of having my light turned off. I may only be a cell in this grand mystery of the universe but I like to think I’m a very powerful cell designed to activate good.
Fuck, I know I haven’t been perfect, I have listed my flaws on these pages a million times. I’ve been trained to find every imperfection I have my entire life—and they’ve all been pointed out to me nearly every day. That doesn’t mean I’ve been innocent in causing hurt to others and I AM sorry for all the wrong, for the hurt I’ve caused even if I thought it was in the name of good—especially in those times because I thought I knew better than others. I feel the time has passed to continue punishment and penance for it. There is no need for me to drown under 2 inches of water or suffocate under 2 inches of dirt. I can stand up and learn to serve my purpose. I can be the cell I am meant to be. I can be the light. I know that doesn’t stop bad things from happening but maybe that will help activate more good or at least keep the negative at pay. I know I can’t prevent loss. That’s like trying to hold smoke together with my hands. But maybe I can fix things.
I had a couple of conversations recently that put some thoughts together from separate pieces I was working on. I spoke with my sisters at length about our purpose and where ego fits in—how we need to know ourselves enough to follow our path and fully be who we are but we need to let down the drive for power. Last week I spoke about Howard Stark and how self-interest doesn’t serve the greater good but we need to know who we are in order to serve to the highest of our ability and that is exactly where this conversation falls in. We discussed how we are in essence a cell and we are here to do our part—a liver cell can’t act as a heart cell or vice versa. So we all have our role. We all have our purpose. I learned the hard lesson which is that I am not a victim and that I played an active role in the issues in my relationship—I was trying to be everything and dictate how every other cell functioned. I also know that I can fix it. I tried fixing it many times and the issue becomes understanding what the other person wants enough to know my own boundaries–It isn’t my job to fulfil his needs and it isn’t his to fill mine. But we need to know ourselves well enough so we can still be of service to each other.
The patterns of control don’t typically come from thin air—there is usually a catalyst that sparks the need to drive. It’s a defense mechanism and sometimes we protect ourselves by taking control of everything—or at least trying to control everything. We think knowing what’s next will save us because our drive has been so turned up that we are ready for it all. What we don’t see is that drive is so turned up and sensitive, it’s a hair trigger and soon the slightest inconvenience or thought of not being in control sets us off. In the end it can come across as ego because people think we like to control for the sake of control—and there are some like that. But when we use this as a defense mechanism it’s to avoid hurt. We weren’t taught that accepting who we are is the greatest way to avoid that kind of pain because, when we know who we are, we know what to do including what resources we can reach out to to get some help. It’s a different outlook on staying in our lane. There are times we all have to go beyond what is expected but to operate in the realm of all things to all people at all times doesn’t work. The mind, body, and spirit aren’t designed to do that.
So the middle ground is awareness and presence. That is the only way to keep ourselves in check so we aren’t forcing our ideas on others but also expressing who we are fully. Put aside wanting people to like us and accept us and simply go in the fold where we are accepted. Don’t conform, accept. I will always encourage being open to other perspectives, but we don’t need to adapt to those beliefs and make ourselves a chameleon where we change anywhere we are in order to fit in. Adaptation and acceptance are great and we all need to compromise at times—but we always need to be cognizant of who we are so we aren’t swayed to be something else. Stop creating a hierarchy where other people’s opinions are worth more than our own or where their thoughts trump our knowledge. Know when to speak up, know when to absorb. We are meant to participate and contribute, not through adaptation, but in knowing our own role so well that we do it with ease and when needed. Adaptation is for a different time and it too has a purpose. We are meant to share our gifts and that means being who we are.
The Intentional Dreamer 