I feel so much right now.  Hurt, anger, frustration, fear.  It always feels like this.  And I feel foolish at times holding on to hope.  I know all life inevitably ends but I am tired of the loss.  I’m tired of losing.  Tired of trying and failing and always for no real reason.  Coming up short.  Feeling inept and weak.  I know this all sounds like ego, but even trying to do the work for the sake of doing the work seems to fall short—someone sweeps in to finish and accuse me of not doing something right.  I can’t change what is happening for those I love right now.  I want to wave my hands and make it all better.  I want to make the entire world better because I feel we can do so much better than we have been.  I believe we need to understand things differently and that once we are able to reconcile how the world is with who we really are it will make all the difference.  We will understand the difference between want and need and ego and genuine expression.

I’ve had anger and grief as all of my support systems have been taken away, as my trust and hope were continually beaten like a punching bag.  And look, my life was still privileged—it did NOT suck and I know there are far worse tragedies in this world.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t have real traumas.  It’s still hard to breathe and be a light under dirt and it doesn’t matter how deep.  If you’re weighed down, you can suffocate under 2 inches the same as 2 feet, or 12 feet, or 20 feet, or 200 feet.  Sometimes it’s harder under less because you feel as if you can stop it or move so you constantly move but it eventually finds you and piles up.  I know how small we are in this grand scheme but we have still had a powerful impact (sometimes negative) on the universe—so we have power.  No matter how small, a cell is designed to grow and there is little difference between growing life or growing disease.  Environment plays a role and can be a catalyst or the switch in either direction.  But he cell will always do what it was meant to do once it’s activated.  And all that, the good and the bad are within us.  I’m trying really hard to focus on the good.  But I’m tired of chasing the light, of having my light turned off.  I may only be a cell in this grand mystery of the universe but I like to think I’m a very powerful cell designed to activate good. 

Fuck, I know I haven’t been perfect, I have listed my flaws on these pages a million times.  I’ve been trained to find every imperfection I have my entire life—and they’ve all been pointed out to me nearly every day.  That doesn’t mean I’ve been innocent in causing hurt to others and I AM sorry for all the wrong, for the hurt I’ve caused even if I thought it was in the name of good—especially in those times because I thought I knew better than others.  I feel the time has passed to continue punishment and penance for it.  There is no need for me to drown under 2 inches of water or suffocate under 2 inches of dirt.  I can stand up and learn to serve my purpose.  I can be the cell I am meant to be. I can be the light.  I know that doesn’t stop bad things from happening but maybe that will help activate more good or at least keep the negative at pay.  I know I can’t prevent loss.  That’s like trying to hold smoke together with my hands.  But maybe I can fix things.