Birth, Life, Love

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on

Today is my son’s birthday.  I’m making choices aligned with the person I want to be and that means choosing my family over and over again, no matter what.  The things I do, I do for them, my presence with them.  Remembering that on the day he was born, I was born again as well.  On this day six years ago, I waited anxiously for my pregnancy to be over.  It was such a painful experience with the illness, the stress of working how I did (I was a contractor), being alone (my husband was on the road 12-15 hours a day), that I couldn’t bear it anymore.  I loved my child, but we were not meant to share a body any longer.  Space was limited physically, and emotionally it was getting rough for me.  When the doctor said that we were going to do a c-section, I could have cared less—I think I said something along the lines of we could have done that hours ago.  I was just done…

They wheeled me into the operating room and I didn’t feel a drop of fear.  I was ready to meet my son. I couldn’t get a good gauge on how my husband felt because he maintained a pretty stoic demeanor the whole time.  They took him out of me and I felt INSTANT relief.  I had been waiting for someone to validate my discomfort the entire time, that I really struggled during my pregnancy and it never came.  So seeing my boy for the first time, I told him, “So you’re the one who was causing all that trouble?”  I said it in jest, but I felt so good having my body back that there was some truth to it.  I remember holding him in the recovery room, sleepily keeping him on my skin, him trying to latch the second he was on me.  I had mentally prepared myself for getting back to work right away because I was contracting and I kept some distance because the thought of leaving him that soon hurt and I was angry because I didn’t have a choice because of our finances.  I never allowed myself to be present and enjoy the time we had together. 

Six years later, I remember that feeling and I’m working on eliminating that fear in my life.  I want to be present, focused, and a part of the life we have.  I don’t want to be a thousand steps ahead as a defense mechanism anymore.  It’s exhausting.  Holding it all together for this long has been tiring and painful, still.  So on my son’s birthday, just as I was born a mother six years ago, I welcome myself anew.  I welcome the love I have for him and the time he asks of me, and the adventures we go on together.  I welcome motherhood in all its messiness and I no longer care to tailor the time I have with my child against what the world dictates I’m allowed to spend with him.  Our time is our time and I choose to celebrate that, especially on this day. 

I am so grateful for the life my son has brought to me.  He is pure magic in a growing body and it is pure joy to witness it.  He reminds me what life is, what it is meant to be before we are indoctrinated with all the negativity and crap.  We are navigating this together because having children in this day and age is unprecedented.  We haven’t done this before.  Priorities are different, we are re-establishing the importance of presence—and not just physically being somewhere, but giving the attention needed.  I have learned so much from my son over the years, and I want to cherish each moment a little longer.  Hold him more, play with him more, love him more.  Because he teaches me to love life the same way—fully, completely, and more.  Happy birthday do my boy, and to the life we are making together.

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