Tiptoeing and Stomping

Photo by Evelyn Hale on Pexels.com

I keep quiet as I make my way through my morning routine in order for my son to stay asleep.  I tiptoe through the house and I roll my feet in a certain way, avoid certain spots on the floor/steps, and I only use certain lights.  I make my presence as unobtrusive as possible.  We have three cats in the house and the middle sized one sounds like a herd of buffalo running through the house all by himself so I try to not get him too riled up.  Between that and the other day, long after my son woke up, I found myself still tiptoeing, I was reminded of when I was kid.  I’ve always managed to keep myself quiet and keep my presence light. I still do it.  Most people literally never hear me coming.  My friend who is physically far lighter than me always managed to make so much noise.  She could be tiptoeing and it would sound like full on stomping. 

As adults, I noticed that I still tiptoe, not making my presence known. I want to have an impact but I don’t want people to know it’s me unless I know the outcome.  I never fully dive in, as much as I talk about doing that here, so I apologize for my hypocrisy.  I’m human and still learning.  That isn’t to say I’m not making bold strides now and it certainly isn’t to say I’m not committed.  I’m just afraid of doing the “wrong” thing.  But life isn’t about perfection.  It isn’t about being quiet until the right moment.  If we are quiet all our lives, we lose our voice and when the time comes, we are no longer able to use it.  Similarly, if we don’t take steps, we never make an impact and we don’t get anywhere.

It’s almost as if I’m afraid to truly leave a mark on the world.  At the same time, I still want things to go my way, so while I’m being unobtrusive, I still want people to do things my way so to speak.  If they don’t know me and I don’t know them, then how is that possible?  It isn’t.  I remember so many times as a child being told to be quiet and to stop making so much noise.  If I’m honest, I feel resentment about it.  Me not being allowed to make noise left me silent and unable to figure things out for the longest time.  This isn’t a pity party, it’s just what happened.  When you’re silent, you don’t know how to trust yourself and you certainly don’t trust you will be accepted—so bye bye voice. 

As these thoughts rolled through my head, I looked at the trajectory my life has taken compared to my friends’.  My friend stomped through life, boldly making noise and using her weight to create a path for herself.  I know in many ways she isn’t where she wants to be either, but she is HAPPY.  She knows who she is and she doesn’t hesitate to share that.  There is no shame in it.  She is comfortable in her own skin.  She isn’t afraid of what others say.  She follows the path she forged as it feels good and there are times she is with people and others she moves ahead on her own.  Others she pulls people up until they find their own way. 

That is the beauty of noise.  Yes, it draws attention to you, but we each have our own song and that is the point.  We are meant to share that music no mater what it sounds like.  We are meant to be fearless and trust that our paths are for a reason and we come together for a reason.  We are meant to leave a mark on this world outside of consumerism, industrialization, and domination.  We are meant to express, connect, love, and create—and that is what my friend has done.  I followed the path and it got me to a bunch of dead ends, not strong enough to push through the walls I found.  She is able to plow through them.  Maybe not fearless, exactly, but boldly and with certainty.  So that is the point.  Make some noise.  I’m still learning to feel my weight, one step at a time, and as I do that, I’m learning to love the sound it makes, simply because it is mine. 

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