Access Wonder

Photo by Samuel Theo Manat Silitonga on

We have the capacity and ability to live in awe at all times.  We are so blessed that we have the access to information, health, technology, communication, and expansion moreso than any age before us.  All of these feats are enough to impress people.  But when it comes to finding awe and humility, we have to look at the big picture.  We are ALIVE.  We are living, cognizant beings with the ability to transform this world.  We are breathing, performing complex chemical reactions in our bodies all day without a second’s thought.  We create life.  We create buildings and art and love.  We experience the elements and feel emotions.  Every second we are alive is a miracle.

I had a teacher who saw everything as a miracle and at first I didn’t understand.  Some of the things he would express joy at or compliment seemed so mundane to me.  I can see I was still tightly wrapped in my perfection phase and I misunderstood miracle.  I used to look at miracles as the perfect things that happened.  It took me a long time to understand that perfection has nothing to do with it.  The fact that we exist is a miracle.  The fact that we can do what we do with our lives, that we can feel what we do, is a miracle.  We have access to that at any time in any capacity.  We have to remember that in the moments it’s hard and the moments we are tired or feel like we are stuck.  We can change the story we tell ourselves and witness what this life really is: a miracle.

I feel a lot of shame and regret about all the time I spent in perfection.  I missed out on experiencing some really amazing things and I missed a lot of chances to feel that awe because I was too blind to see what was in front of me and to respect it.  I did it to myself for 37 years.  I never appreciated what I could do.  I never felt good enough for anything.  I never had confidence to listen to what I really needed let alone to go for it.  Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s realizing that all that time is gone that makes you look at how you’re spending the time you have.  Maybe it’s simply understanding that we have expectations no one can live up to and sometimes it’s enough to just BE.  Maybe it’s getting tired of the same game over and over again.  Whatever it is, looking at things differently changes the game.

In spite of any shame or regret, I mostly feel gratitude now—and I feel gratitude that I am able to feel grateful.  Once I had the realization of the trouble perfection caused, I felt guilty finding joy in anything else.  Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I try to dip into that wonder as often as I can because it’s a great feeling.  For years it felt like it was so far under the surface, always miles to go in the race that I wouldn’t find it.  I dismissed things I should have been proud of when the joy and the magic was right there.  The beautiful thing is: it’s still there.  It never went anywhere.  So when we feel overwhelmed or annoyed or scared or angry, take a moment and reconnect with the wonder of it.  Be amazed that you have the capacity for such feelings and then be amazed that you can tune into your breath.  Be amazed at what you are and what you’ve done.  Then breathe out and be grateful you are here.  You only stop feeling when you’re dead, so find joy in being alive and find the awe in the miracle of this life.  Do not take it for granted.

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