A Party and An Identity Crisis

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

A friend of mine went to a party this weekend and it opened a floodgate of emotions.  I was so happy because this person has put in a ton of work on a venture and the party was to celebrate that success.  But I felt lonely.  I saw the beautiful community this person has created and the support they have and it made me see how stuck I’ve kept myself.  We’ve been in this little bubble for the last couple of years trying to stay physically healthy/safe and it has been super isolating.  I mean, everything happens for a reason, but a wave of “what have I been doing with my time” passed over me.  I’ve made progress but I see how hindered it has been by going it alone.  And in spite of where I’ve gotten, I feel a certain emptiness around me. 

My husband and I made a move about 9 months ago now.  We purchased a new home with the intent of having space to assist my parents as needed.  We brought a ton of things with, mainly from my past and the house is full, but it isn’t alive.  It feels like a museum, a shrine to what once was.  There is no life.  Don’t misunderstand, I am beyond grateful for the experience those things represent.  I am beyond grateful we were able to set up something feasible for my parents if they need it.  But we are sitting here, surrounded by what is no longer.  Empty rooms, waiting for life.  It’s all  here and waiting for us but we have no one to share it with now.    

I think it’s a matter of the expectations of what I thought life would be like kind of sliding through my fingers like sand.  I’m ok with that, honestly, because I believe if it wasn’t meant to be it will fall apart.  But that doesn’t mean it isn’t unnerving.  There is no foundation yet because I’m not sure what’s next.  None of this is me.  It’s a façade of what I thought life should be, a continuation of an expectation from long ago that can’t be fulfilled in today’s circumstances.  Creating something new is predicated on a solid foundation and life gets scary when you don’t know what that is.  It is the reaching out to people to create a net when the net you were given breaks apart.  We are never really alone.      

It’s in these moments when I have to focus on gratitude for what I have.  It’s also where I focus on gratitude for learning what I need and recognizing what I have to do.  It’s ok if certain things didn’t live up to my expectations.  I know we could look at is as we got what we wanted and now we don’t want it anymore, but that isn’t the case.  The truth is sometimes we have to experience certain things in order to redefine what we need.  Creating clarity is the key to getting unstuck.  Yes, I had a moment of being angry at myself for working so hard for something that seems futile.  But that doesn’t mean this won’t serve a purpose.  Sitting with those emotions can be hard, but it’s more about breaking patterns than letting it consume.  Sometimes the universe calls on us to do crazy things.  It’s ok.  Those crazy things lead us where we need to be, to create a foundation that’s real.   

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