An appropriate story to follow up our talk on resignation and what fits is a little story about my car. I’ve driven a small SUV for the last eight years. I originally wanted the SUV to cart around my table from my massage therapy days because I had a little Ford Focus at the time. I got the SUV and it was so intimidating at first. I’m a small woman so going from the tiny Focus to the bigger car (even though it was a small SUV) felt like going into a tank. But that car protected me and got me through the last eight years, eight winters, it brought home my son, and took us through two moves. I loved that car and I thought I needed it for my lifestyle. But as it happens to all things, time has taken its toll on it and I have a long commute so she got tired and I knew I needed something new.
I recently sold my car and I’m using something smaller until I decide what I want to do (purchase the small car or buy another car). At first it was weird because it felt like going from a tank to a go cart in one night. But it has taught me there is value in moving into something that fits us. I barely have to adjust the seat on this thing, I can reach the pedals no problem, I can see all around me, and I’m back in a car that my head actually goes above the seat. Not to mention the heat works and my windows don’t freeze. Regardless, this isn’t the vehicle I saw myself in, especially living where I do. But the ride is nice, it feels like I’m in control, and I am not scared of not seeing something because it responds well to me and I know I can handle it. Sometimes the thing we don’t want is what we need.
Just because you thought you needed something a certain way or a certain thing to make your life a certain way, it doesn’t mean every facet of you life needs to be that way. Sometimes grandiose is too much. Sometimes you’re looking for just enough. Something that fits you. I’m not saying I’m an overly lavish or showy person, but I thought I needed so much space. Maybe it was my subconscious trying to create value for me by taking up more space than I needed. But it feels different being somewhere that does fit. I’m actually going through this with my clothes and shoes.
Right now I am trying to see where I fit in the world. More importantly I am finding what fits me. Instead of asking where I fit in, I’m asking what fits me. I’m not adapting to any situation now or asking to be accepted or viewed a certain way: this is what you get. And it is so hard for me as a life long people pleaser because that external validation meant everything to me. But when we validate ourselves and accept what we really need, not what we are told we need, we find the pieces that fit. Right now I’m in a wonderful transition. It is chaotic and terrifying, exhausting, and yes, it is even sad for me. I won’t diminish all the feelings in this. It doesn’t mean I don’t love it at the same time, it just doesn’t look how I thought it would. That doesn’t mean it isn’t right for me. I’m grateful.