Today I am grateful for pure, unadulterated, joy. I watched my son go to his friend’s house alone for the first time ever (the friend’s parents were there). He’s been with me every day since the pandemic started and he was only 3 when that happened, so letting him go was a huge step for me. I feel this pang of anxiety and fear as I watch the little person he is becoming. It is quite clear he is no longer my “little boy” to tell what to do (within reason of course). His fierceness and independence are unmatched and I am so proud that he managed to play with his friends and he came home when he needed to. After he got home, he was so thrilled that he got to play with his friends and I know without a doubt that he needs more freedom. He needs to have fun and let loose. It has been a really tough couple of years holding him back from the things he wants to do because of the pandemic, but he has spent nearly half of his life in this. I am so grateful that he was able to have a few minutes of real fun with his friends.
Today I am grateful for the progress I’ve made with recognizing my habits and calling myself on my bullshit. We all tell ourselves lies and we rarely hold ourselves accountable. I have worked incredibly hard to get better at that because I KNOW that unless I am able to confront those demons and do the work I need to do, I won’t get anywhere. Resilience and tenacity will take you further than talking about something ever will. And if we know what we have to do, then we HAVE TO DO IT. I have allowed myself some slack because the amount of work I’ve gone through this year and the physical issues leading up to losing my baby. I felt like I needed more time to prepare and move on. The universe is telling me to strap in because it is time. There are no more excuses. Everything happens for a reason so I need to stop coddling myself. I have toughened up, but it is time to do more.
Today I am grateful to be who I am meant to be. I’ve always had a funny thing with time. If I think too long or too hard about the passage of time, I put myself into a state of anxiety and I quickly spiral into morbid depression. I’ve been thinking a lot about that over the last few weeks as I’ve been going through my things and getting rid of what no longer serves and then all over again as I find things at my parent’s or even my uncle’s that they are cleaning up. It is such a trip to see the things of so many years ago. I remember how I held my family on a pedestal when I was younger, and as we go through these things, it’s apparent they didn’t know what they were doing either. We are all just winging it. I’m not meant to repeat what they did—I’m meant to take it to the next level. Staying in the past will not move any of us forward. I’m here to make my own way. I honor what we had together, the memories, and I am grateful to move on.
Today I am grateful for clarity in my life. As I’ve begun to make peace with the past and letting things go, I’m accepting who I am outside of what I was told to be. I am happy to go for the things I want and I am lessening the shame in creating the life I want. It is the first time in my life I’m accepting exactly what I want. There never was any shame, that was all in my head. The guilt, too. There is no reason to feel guilty for what makes you happy. There is no reason to feel shame in who we are. The more we accept the pieces of ourselves, the easier it is to let go of what we are not. Taking the first step in the direction of my “am-ness” has been the most freeing experience in my life. All of the self-help has been amazing, but action is where you feel it. It’s like living life in high def.
Today I am grateful to feel a sense of peace. Practicing emotional control is never easy and this last week has put that resolve to the test in numerous ways. When I get myself in a state of agitation, it is really hard to see anything for what it is. I make mistakes, I react, and things don’t get done. There truly are things beyond our control and I tend to struggle with that. I like it when things make sense. But I’ve realized how heavy that burden is. Some things simply are what they are and we have to move on. Peace doesn’t come from controlling the situation. Peace comes from accepting what it is (whatever it may be) and letting go. I have put down the obligations that were never mine to bear in the first place. Things that don’t need my opinion or my action don’t need my words, time, or attention. Things that require my energy come first, everything else is put away. And it feels good. Put down what you no longer need to carry.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.