Seeing Clearly

Photo by Eva Elijas on

We are able to turn tragedy into something beautiful if we sit with it —and if we decide it was something beautiful.  The biggest lesson I’m taking from the events of the last week is that I know what I need to do next.  I need to get my shit together and stop pretending like all of this was irrevocably decided for me.  I need to get my shit together and love every ounce of me.  I need to get my shit together and start taking responsibility for my overall health.

The facets of my life that I want to address are areas I’ve neglected for a long time for the sake of pushing through.  The areas of my health I want to address are mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual.  It is so easy to get off balance, especially when we are taking on the things that are not ours.  We are taught so much, regardless, that we lose sight of what is ours and what isn’t. 

I’ve finally incorporated what it means to take care of me.  There was always a reason why I didn’t have time to work out, or go to the doctor, or to do the things I wanted to.  There was always a reason why I couldn’t get started on my projects and then there were reasons why I couldn’t finish them.  There was always a distraction that took precedence, someone who needed something, some reason why my things had to wait.  THAT is what made me sick.  I set the precedent that I came last.  That my needs weren’t important, hoping that someone else would meet my needs for me because I met theirs.  I allowed people to believe that my time would eventually come if I just waited.  I’ve learned that I need to take care of me so my needs ARE met, so I get where I need to be, so I can do the work I need to.    

I’m not 100% sure how I want to tackle all of these areas, but I know this is a big evolution.  This is the solidifying of my foundation.  So when I say a big evolution, I mean that this is a new direction from anything I’ve done before.  Take every ounce of emotion and put it into action.  I listened to “Armchair Expert” today and their guest was Daniel Goleman, the author of “Emotional Intelligence.”  For me this was another sign of the areas in my life I need to work on.  I can no longer let my emotions determine which way this goes because I feel deeply.  That isn’t always a bad thing, but I know I allow myself to be pulled along by the current rather than going with it. I let it consume me rather than float.

This life works out in some really fucked up ways sometimes.  It’s painful and beautiful all at the same time.  We will never know all the answers.  But if we find a way to cognitively get our house in order, if we learn to have a little faith, if we learn to trust ourselves, those fucked up moments become just that: a moment.  If we really rely on those tolls (faith, trust, action) then we may be lucky enough to see the lesson.  And if we are patient with ourselves, we can incorporate the lesson.  We learn that those moments don’t define us—we define ourselves.  We have an incredible amount of resilience in our souls.  The heart continues to beat.  Air still flows in our lungs.  Take care of those precious gifts, take the fucked up moments, and love every ounce of life. 

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