In 2009, I was in my mid-twenties and newly married and looking to find myself in every way. My relationship was nearly a decade old but my marriage was in its infancy, I was at a job for nearly a decade, and I didn’t know what to do. I had chosen things that defined me early (my marriage and career) because that is what I thought I had to do but I wanted so much more. I didn’t go away to college after getting my associate’s degree because I had no idea what I wanted to do—so I stuck with what I knew. After so many years of the same thing at such a young age, I craved more.
I read Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happiness Project” shortly after it came out in 2009. Her work is her journey through a year of trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. She discusses the restlessness of having what she was supposed to want but still feeling lack. While reading this book, i understood that sometimes you can outwardly appear to have it together, you can have what you are supposed to want but it still isn’t enough. More importantly, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s a wonderful motivation to find your purpose.
The reason I talk about this is because I have found myself repeating this cycle for another decade. Perhaps that is just my time frame (or I’m incredibly stubborn and it takes me that long to understand anything) but I’m at the point where I feel this push again. This time around, after another 10 years, I have paid attention to my pattern and taken to looking at what it is in me that needs to shift. It’s not necessarily a matter of motivation, it’s a matter of follow through.
In Rubin’s work she discusses commitment to the things we want to achieve. More than that, after all of this time, I have learned that it is taking right action toward the things we are committed to that bring it to fruition. We have the ability to make this life whatever we want it to be—and that is a magical gift. To be able to take the world in its raw form and turn it into the life we envision. We have limitless potential. We have power in choice. And it is accountable choice that moves you forward.
How we make ourselves accountable is a personal choice but we can’t expect to see things through if we don’t see them through. Changing our mindset is difficult and that is something I want to tackle in myself. Perhaps this time it is simply answering the call. It isn’t letting it fall to the wayside. It isn’t letting it take a back burner when other things seem to take precedence. It is always finding a way to get it done, somehow. It’s accepting that it may not look how you envisioned it, but you still have to act on it and see it through.
It’s ok to slow down as needed, but don’t allow yourself to stop because you feel like you’ve gotten where you were told to be. Because you got what you were told was enough. It’s ok, it’s necessary to find that motivation inside of you. So if it feels wrong, if it feels like there is something else you need to do, then go do it. More to come.