Resistance to Flow

boulder environment flow landscape

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I wanted to share some thoughts tonight as we are all in the throws of change.  I feel some resistance in my life right now.  From trying to break unhealthy habits to breaking unhealthy thoughts, my intuition knows what I need to do—but I’m finding the doing challenging.  It almost feels like a lack of motivation.  And I know it’s the letting go that is hard.  Increasing flexibility is hard.  I know I am still clinging to control.

The truth is that there is so much to let go of, I could pick anything and just stop and it would help.  I don’t even know why I’m trying to hold onto it all.  Perhaps it’s the known that is safe so I’m fighting for it.  I am open to the changes but I fear I’m following the wrong signs.  It’s the perfectionism that prevents me from being vulnerable.

Maybe this is something we can all relate to—I’m really struggling to release the mask I created but I’m acutely aware of the new mask I’m creating.  It’s this in between where I am still learning to settle.  I’m trying to find the next me.  Each mask is heavy with the expectations and dreams of others so I assume the responsibility of those dreams—rather than listening to my own. They aren’t my own.

I’ve missed the fundamental point that moving forward form here requires I lay down ALL masks.  And that can be said to anyone.  In order for real progress to be made, we can’t carry that burden.  To get through the resistance I must walk exposed, open, honest and vulnerable in who I am.  This is where I carry nothing else with me.  No shielding.

It’s authentic ownership of self and learning to dance with the flow of life.  I have to give up the illusion of control. There is nothing I can control except to direct my course.  I have to stop appearing how I think people want me to and live how I am meant to.  There is freedom in letting go of shame and there is freedom in knowing that your choices are yours to make.  I’ve spent a lifetime dancing to everyone’s drum but my own.

Glennon Doyle says quite simply, “we can do hard things.”  When we give up the pretense that we can’t do it, we ignite our lives.  Letting go is hard.  But I can do hard things—and all this resistance is just fear.  So maybe I (and we) just needed a reminder of that.

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