Between Before and After is Now

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“Who I am right now will be the before of who I am tomorrow,” Sarah Landry.  This one stopped me in my tracks as the rest of the post went on to talk about living in the before/after (like posting before and after pics).  As I’m embarking on the new year with all of you, I feel a ton of excitement and energy around what I’m planning to accomplish this year.  It isn’t in an aggressive way or in a way that negates where I’m currently at, it is a genuine excitement to do the work.  I have never felt so supported and aligned with understanding someone’s post before and I felt genuinely seen.  For years I’ve waited for the right moment to do anything and I have missed countless opportunities and events that may have taught me lessons much earlier than they did now.  I waited until I was good enough to experience anything or to even attempt anything.  I really thought I needed to be a certain type of “good” in order to get the experiences I was looking for.  Reading Sarah’s words kept it fresh in my mind: We are good enough NOW.

I convinced myself that I had to wait until the right time or until I was “ready” or “capable” or “able to do it” before trying anything.  I wouldn’t try anything in public because I didn’t want to make a fool of myself.  I wouldn’t even speak up in meetings for a long time because I didn’t want to make waves with my team.  I never saw the value or the worth that I brought to the table.  Even if I had an idea that I knew would work, I kept quiet, assuming others would have a better idea.  I put on the bulky clothes to cover myself so others wouldn’t see my body as it is.  I didn’t share my writing for the longest time because I didn’t think it was good enough.

I realized living that way didn’t feel good.  All of the thoughts I had rolling in my head kept rolling with nowhere to go and they got louder and louder and I started to feel like crap keeping them inside.  I also realized I was forgetting things as I tried to force down the natural progression of my thoughts in favor of what I “should” be doing.  It got so tiring repeating the same day over and over again, constantly feeling frustrated and unexpressed.  And then I realized it was me—I was holding myself back.  Waiting for the “right” time or whatever milestone deemed me worthy kept me fixated on the shortfall of not being where I wanted to be in that moment.  And Sarah says it best for that as well: “The idea of waiting until [whatever is right] is only leading to an unfulfilling of my now days.”

If we are constantly living in the before/after world, we are saying that the now means nothing.  We know the reality is the “now” is all we have yet we live in a constant push for the appearance of more.  We are so trained to ignore what is in order to make sure we are good enough for some imagined requirement in our head.  But the truth is, we are not living in a before.  We are living now and what happens after now is very real.  We can change now at any time with our thoughts.  Sarah goes on to say that seeing ourselves as a before makes us stuck where we are because we aren’t seeing all we are today.  So let me clarify: it isn’t that we shouldn’t strive for more, it’s that we need to understand we are worthy enough as we are to achieve whatever we want to.    

I’m so grateful for this now.  I still don’t do it perfectly, where I’m constantly in flow and simply accepting what is.  That isn’t the point either.  The point is I accept that imperfection as a means to do better and a way to learn more about what I’m capable of.  I am grateful for all my life and for all that is to come because of how I am choosing to live this now. I am so grateful to be able to choose this now and to embrace it for all it is.  That is the only way to fully accept where I’m at, where any of us are at.  So don’t live your live as the before, constantly striving to get to the after.  That after will only be another before to something else.  Live NOW.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for a new practice. I’ve spent the past week waking up every morning and writing down my gratitude.  I ended 2021 in a highly emotional and chaotic state, trying to reconcile all of the things I want to accomplish and I knew I didn’t want to keep moving forward like that.  So I carved out time every day to talk about what I am grateful for in my life.  My days have shifted.  Yes, there are still headaches, but seeing the big picture and knowing that there is so much good out there makes it easier to move through the day.

Today I am grateful for healing.  This one touches on so many levels, some of them are still really raw.  Our lives are so fragile as strong as we try to be.  Maybe that’s why we want to appear strong—we know that anything can be taken away so we strive to appear in control.  Or maybe that’s me, I don’t know.  But when we look at all of our time here, the pain we feel tends to dominate and it tends to permeate lifetimes as we pass on our traits to our kids.  Focused work and intention makes it so much clearer and easier to deal with that pain.  I feel the weight of the work and I carry it gratefully. 

Today I am grateful for the reminders that come right on time.  My husband and I started our relationship in a fairly unusual way (well, maybe the situation was normal but the initial notion we had wasn’t) and we are still going.  At the beginning, we found some common ground that neither of us expected in a film franchise that is still going 20 years later.  The universe constantly sends reminders to me that we are meant to work together as whenever we have difficult times, this film seems to come on somewhere, somehow.  It’s a loving reminder that we still need to find common ground sometimes and that the things you least expect to work are perfect exactly as they are.

Today I am grateful for my parents.  Our relationship is changing as they are getting older and I am so grateful for the reminders of how important they are to me.  How lucky I’ve been to have the life I’ve had.  Yes, in spite of the trauma talk and the stories I’ve been sharing about the time with my mother, I am so grateful.  Our time here is so short and we truly do the best we can with what we have.  I don’t claim it is easy to look beyond what happened or that I’m not still triggered when we speak.  But I am so lucky to know that I still have them and that I can adjust my perspective any time. 

Today I am grateful to learn to rely on my wings again.  This situation with my parents has reminded me that nothing lasts forever.  More importantly, it has reminded me that we are meant to develop our own security and carve out our own path in life.  I’m taking steps I’ve never taken because I didn’t believe in myself before now.  But there comes a point when you simply have to leap and start flapping to learn to fly.  The same comes with life.  There comes a point when you have to start doing in order to get things done and to learn what needs to be done. 

Today I am grateful to slow down.  One of my vices is going too fast.  I’m always in hyper drive trying to get as much done as possible so I’m not always taking everything in and I’m too often relying on my own strength to fit everything in.  I’m learning that sometimes the way to get things done isn’t to push or to go faster—it’s to slow down.  When we go faster not only do we miss some of the picture, we open up more time for more things to be done.  We can live life on a never ending check list because there is literally ALWAYS something that needs doing.  But we have to learn to ask ourselves if we are the ones responsible for taking it all on.  Are we the ones who need to be doing it?  So I’m making it a practice to get organized and do what I AM responsible for.  It makes all the difference.

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead

Rewire

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One area I want to focus on is mindset.  I wrote about what makes me happy and followed up with some challenges I face and that I know a lot of people face when trying to stay positive.  But one thing that helps is simply choosing the next best thought you can.  It doesn’t have to be something completely the other way from where you may be, it can simply be something better than what you’re thinking now.  For example, if you’re thinking about how crappy the weather is, you might think about how you’re lucky to see the changing of the seasons.  If you can’t do that, then maybe you think about how grateful you are to be breathing.  The point is, we need to rewire the brain.

It takes a lot of work and awareness to rewire the thoughts we’ve tumbled in our brains for years, so the key is to simply be intentional.  We won’t always be successful at finding something to be happy about or something that makes us feel better in the moment, so it’s important to know that 1. It takes time to get used to the practice 2. It takes more time to believe it and 3. We have to be aware of what we are feeling all the time.  So maybe start there.  Start with noticing what you predominantly feel most of the time and ask yourself if that is what you want to feel.  Then start asking yourself how you want to feel.  From there we can start closing the gap.

I have dealt with a negative mindset my whole life and I honestly didn’t notice it at first.  I thought I was just being practical and logical and even realistic.  I knew I hated the way I felt and I used to blame that on everything that was happening.  I woke up one day and I started looking at the things around me and I realized that I had been an active participant in every accumulation, in every decision that brought me where I was. I realized it wasn’t ALL bad, but the predominant thought was to seek out the bad.  I knew I didn’t want to go on like that anymore.  From there I knew that it was a matter of choice.  That isn’t to say terrible circumstances don’t happen, but learning new ways to approach those problems is key.  Actually, learning to recognize there are no problems is really key, but that’s a conversation for a  different day.

The world changes when you start looking at it differently.  That isn’t to say that the good comes overnight or that you’re going to wake up and you view your problems differently.  Brain work takes time and patience and consistency.  What I’m also saying is that the work is worth it.  Taking yourself out of the negative mindset and really enjoying life makes all the difference in the world.  When you are able to see something different than what you’ve been trained to observe, your mindset changes and you can expand it and grow even more when you become comfortable with the practice.  It’s amazing how much better you feel as well.  It’s easier to encourage yourself to go for what you need when you feel better and the more you go after the life you’ve wanted and the more you see results, the better you feel there as well. 

I know that mindset shift doesn’t happen overnight—I’ve been working on it for two years.  I’m still working on it.  I went from feeling hopeless to understanding I could feel better to looking for ways to feel better to starting to try things I’ve never done before and that is when I started really focusing on how I looked at the world.  That view is what really changed it all for me.  Understanding that even though there were still certain facets of my life I wanted to change, that didn’t mean it was all crap.  There were things in my life I loved even at my lowest and I grasped at that and I built a foundation on that feeling.  Understanding I’m lucky enough to be in a position to change my life is what keeps me moving forward.

Freedom isn’t about making the perfect life or having everything that you want.  Waking up and harnessing your mindset is real freedom.  It isn’t about accumulation or power or any of that.  It’s about how you feel living your life.  If you can honestly say you love your life and you love yourself, then you are free because nothing that happens externally matters at that point.  Knowing you can shift your position at any time and that you can take action on it is real freedom.  That is why mindset is so important.  Don’t cage yourself by holding the door of possibility closed.  Keep moving and working on that relationship with yourself first.  It makes all the difference in the world.     

Here…Is All We Are

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I spoke about finding happiness yesterday and I wanted to touch on something that many of us struggle with during the changing of the season.  As I look outside and see the snow, part of me feels the weight of the changing seasons, time passing, and what it means when we can’t get it back.  It feels heavy regardless of the fact it happens every year and I can do nothing about it.  It makes me want to go somewhere else entirely.  But my gut is telling me I would feel this way no matter where I go. 

Sometimes we want to run away thinking what we want is somewhere else.  But the truth is, until you can sit and identify what you’re looking for, what your real desires are and what your real purpose is, you will feel lost no matter where you are.  Until you know who you ARE, you will feel lost no matter where you are.  So it is even more important to do the work and find where you want to be mentally, rather, how you want to feel mentally, and do the things that bring you closer to how you want to feel.  Fixating on where you want to be or what you should be doing won’t help because you’re not addressing the issue.  That is all internal, not external.

It’s tempting to idealize a vision we have in our head about what makes us feel better.  I know I do that all the time.  In some ways it does help because it gives us an idea of what we do want which can really motivate us to make some changes or do something else.  But when we get stuck in the where we are NOT, it’s impossible to appreciate the moment we ARE.  Visualize all you want, imagine all you want, but know where you are.  Know who you are and you will never need to escape what you’re doing. 

I don’t want to discount chemical things with the season either.  For those of us with SAD, I know how hard it is, especially because there is a chemical component to it.  That isn’t simply a matter of wanting to escape—even though it feels like it sometimes.  I urge you to do whatever you can self-care wise to make yourself feel better.  I urge all of you whether it is because of SAD or because you feel lost to sit and find those things that make you happy so you are able to see the changing of the season for what it is: a nature evolution in life.  A natural progression that gets us closer to where we need to be.  For those times when you feel like you want to jump out of your skin, I urge you to be patient and know that it will pass.  There is so much good in this world, stick with it until you see it every day.  Look for it every day until you know it with everything in you.

What Makes Me Happy

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In getting comfortable with taking these actions, I wanted to share some of the things that light me up.  If I’m totally honest, I used to think this was a selfish question.  Thinking about what worked for me alone never seemed really productive.  The truth is, shoving down those desires didn’t do a bit of good anyway either.  I realized there needed to be a middle ground.  We can’t both ignore our needs/wants and get everything we want either.  Knowing this middle ground required a different type of relationship with the self.  It required understanding that our needs don’t make us selfish.  And if we are really honest, living is a selfish act.  We need to survive and, as much as I push learning to accept and help each other, not everyone experiences the opportunity for that kind of support.  So where do we go from there?

Knowing our patterns allows us to course correct as we go.  If we observe that course with honesty and patience, we will be able to adjust to get where we want to go.  The act of “getting” isn’t necessarily about getting what we want, it’s about getting what is needed for the highest good.  It’s about getting the tools we need to fulfill our purpose and share that with others.  I drew cards today and one of them said, “Happiness is my birthright.”  I started thinking about how I used to believe that was selfish.  And then I realized I was angry because I really wanted to be happy but those around me weren’t making me happy.  They weren’t putting in the effort I was to make THEM happy so I felt hurt and used.  And it hit me, not only can we not pour from an empty cup, we can’t move forward if we aren’t happy.

I took some time to look at what actually made me happy instead of what I thought should make me happy.  I really had to dig deep and start thinking about how things made me feel rather than what they looked like.  I started working out daily because I love the way my body feels with movement.  I’m trying to incorporate soulful connection because I know the answers aren’t something I can think into existence.  I have to tap into my knowing and that type of knowing goes back to our guts.  I love reading and telling stories and communicating with people.  I love cooking and nourishing my body.  I love being able to slow down and enjoy things.  Like, I really enjoyed soaking in the tub the other night.  I love clarifying my purpose and fulfilling that purpose.        

What makes me happy is working on the future and watching it come to life.  What makes me happy is hanging out with my kid and seeing the little things that make him happy.  I love seeing him learn and I love seeing him grown into his own little person.  I love helping people clarify what works for them and l love building them up enough to see them take the leap in their own lives.  I love seeing the world wake up and the changes we are trying to make for the better.  As scary as it is witnessing certain things collapse, I love that too because I know we are all trying to create a better future for everyone.

There is so much that makes me happy sometimes it feels overwhelming.  But it is a privilege to be able to sit in the happiness and it is even more of a privilege to be able to share that happiness.  There is the old adage that we don’t need as much as we think we do, and that is true.  We build up this world where we are constantly striving for things.  We miss out on the fact that we are simply able to exist.  Yes, there are big things in this world and big questions to answer and it would be fascinating to answer those—but the point is to have enough experiences that we learn the answer.  We gain that by going after what we enjoy.  What a gift!  What makes you happy? 

Step Four

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From what I can tell in the books I’ve read and from what I’ve seen people do, the next step in all of this is action.  I admit this is where I have been stuck previously and this is where I need to fully dive in.  The truth is I’m proud to have made it here because there was a time not long ago that I got stuck simply clarifying what I wanted to do with my life.  Now it’s a matter of learning how to identify what actions it will take to get me where I need to go.  I’ve spent a lot of years spinning my wheels and repeating the patterns.  I’ve also spent a lot of years getting this close and then losing patience with the whole thing.  This is different.  This is where patience comes in—another skill I’m developing.

I used to think that action meant massive leaps where what we know is ripped away from us and we have to leap into the unknown.  There are absolutely circumstances where that happens, yes, but more often than anything, it is the small steps redirecting us toward where we want to go that make the difference.  I read a few pieces lately, one by Martha Beck and another through one of my groups that talked about the 1% change in direction.  Making those minor corrections over time will get you in a completely different place than where you initially intended on going.  So it doesn’t always have to be a massive leap—it can be a small step we take every day.

So that is where I start.  I choose to take one small step toward believing in myself first and then one small step toward showing other people how to do the same every day.  I share my words here and I share on social media and I witness the small shifts in my household as well.  We are working toward major changes through small steps and it feels amazing.  It is so helpful to have someone with me on this journey as well.  It is even more helpful to have the accountability toward others because we can lift each other up through this crazy journey of life.

The truth is, no one has it all figured out, certainly not me.  I just know how I want to be treated and I know the things I want to see in the world: kindness, love, patience, a new way of doing things that works for all.  I logically know we are able to sustain each other and there is no need to fight for anything.  I know it’s all about power and I’m ready to redirect what that power looks like.  I know I want to see people happy and thriving because I know when those needs are fulfilled magic happens.  I know we can change what we do and what this world looks like.  I know it is time to wake up and I am happy to do my part.  So, one small step, every day.    

Step Three

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Gaining clarity.  Getting out of my own way has been the hardest thing for me.  I was raised in between generations where things either went as you planned them (you needed control) and where there was total chaos and you still got where you were going.  I never jumped to one side or the other so I never fully learned to control enough of the outcome and I also never fully learned to leap in and trust.  In between both worlds, I relied on people telling me which way to go as much as I wanted to call the shots.  In either case, I was supported but I didn’t develop enough skill for either side to support myself.  When you’re floating, you don’t have direction for which way to go, either.

My goal is to work on getting some clarity in my life.  I haven’t been very good at declaring anything—whether it is who I am or what I want to do or where I see myself in the future—I’ve always been fairly luke warm in the matter.  That is what I mentioned the other day about the roller coaster.  I’ve held on in my life, constantly waiting for the next drop and always struggling through the climb, feeling like I had no say in the matter.  Feeling like I had no choice but to stay on the ride and allow life to carry me through the ups and downs, nearly falling out if the harness wasn’t tight enough. 

In my life, it has always been the lack of follow through that did me in.  I would start projects with all of the enthusiasm in the world and then part way through I would fizzle out.  I would start to question my abilities and then stop.  And good lord if there was any type of obstacle, I wouldn’t go any further either.  I never learned that adversity was a learning tool.  I always took it as a sign to simply stop.  I never pushed the limits to see where it may take me.  I have things in my life now that I genuinely want to see through.  They are things that excite me and make me curious and make me want to put in the effort and for the first time I can see the lessons as well.  The tough times are when you keep going.  Yes, it may feel like you’re drowning, but you’re learning to swim.

So I’ve started at the beginning with what I want things to look like.  My health, my home, my space, my creative journey and the goals that go with it, and my day to day living.  The things that don’t fit no longer serve and I’m making every effort to phase them out completely.  Things like self-sabotaging my mental health by feeling like I can’t set boundaries at work with my time, or making sure I have healthy alternatives in my house to choose from.  I’m making an effort to spend more time doing the things that feel good like exercising and reading and writing and spending time with my son.  These are slow changes but I’m making sure the effort is lasting.

I’ve mentioned before that if we want to be a light in the world we have to share it.  This doesn’t mean we need to be a perfect shining example all the time.  Rather it means that in doing our best and embracing what we’ve learned and applying what we’ve learned, we can be an example of what aligned effort does.  We can be an example of breaking out of the system and doing what works for us.  We can be an example of finding ourselves and what that means for the world as a whole.  It isn’t about perfection, it’s about making the effort to be a bit better every day.  There truly isn’t any competition in this world—that is all a man made construct at this point.  We are no longer in survival times where being weaker meant death.  No.  We are in times now where we each have something to bring to the table and that is how we survive—by collaborating and sharing what we know. 

Getting clear isn’t just about us.  It’s about serving a higher purpose and looking at things in new ways.  We are nearing the end of a 250 year cycle where we need to incorporate new ways of doing things.  New ways that support the people and put the people ahead of the system.  A new way where our worth is inherent and we appreciate the value in other people’s existence.  That starts by appreciating the value you bring first.  Welcome it, embrace it, be it.  That is how the light gets shared.  I’m releasing the fear and allowing my value to shine through in order to light the way for others. 

Step Two In The Awakening

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We had a hiccup with my mother’s surgery (she is perfectly fine, it was completely human error and misunderstanding) and I almost had a melt down.  We were on our way out there to drop off food and a few other things when my dad called saying the surgery is off and would be happening next week and I panicked.  I’m not off next week, how are we going to find child care and spiralling out from there.  I calmed myself enough when we got to my mom’s house and when I saw here, I could tell she felt miserable about it.  She kept trying to blame the woman who gave her the pre-op instructions but I saw she misunderstood and was really down on herself.  She’s scared still.  I hugged her and tried to let it go.  I had another surge of fear as I didn’t know what to do for next week.  Do I give up the first time I’ve had off with my husband in six years in order to be there next week?  And I realized I can’t give it up—I have been so close to the edge, I need this time to decompress and reset.  I need to trust that all will be taken care of and this is what was meant to happen.

The rest of the afternoon was a bit rough with my son as he has been super needy and the things he wants to do don’t always line up with what we have to do.  Like, he wants to play in the snow when we haven’t found his snow pants or his gloves.  He’s too young to understand that he can hurt himself, so he has tantrums.  He also goes between a million things at once as a normal four year old does.  So I’m dealing with an aging parent, a young kid, a sullen husband (because we don’t know what the plan is), on top of me simply needing to rest.  So I tried my best.  My husband made an awesome grilled cheese dinner and we slowed down to watch some TV and then he went to play video games while I went upstairs with our son.  I laid in bed with my son after reading a bit and watching some trash TV and my boy looked at me and said, “I need you mommy. I need your attention.”.  My heart melted and I realized that I need to be more careful about how I’m spending my time.  Things can wait.

This morning I woke up and I prayed.  I’ve been trying to work out in the morning but today I hit a different mat.  Several things came to my mind.  1. Simplify.  I am trying to do too much at once.  My brain doesn’t know which way to go because of all of the things I’m trying to do.  2. Quiet the mind.  Along with number one, with all of the things I’m trying to do, my mind goes in a million directions and I can’t make sense of what I’m hearing/doing/seeing.  3.  Raw energy.  As I sat on the mat contemplating the busy-ness of my mind, an image of my brain as a giant lightening ball came to mind.  My mind is so sensitive because it’s nothing but raw energy all the time.  I could physically feel the heat in my body as I saw that image as well. 4. Loving myself as is.  Really, where has self-loathing gotten me?  What has self-hatred/punishment/denial done for me?  What if I trusted me?  Believed in my ability to fly over stuffing my home to feel safe?  What if I felt safe in my own skin?   

5. I have skills I need to learn for my side business that will help me with my overall goal.  I need to commit.  Specifically, the thought was, “this business is going to save me.”  It’s time to do the work for it.  6. Working for mental health advocacy.  7. The cards today were about letting go and learning to float.  It is time to let go of the ideas I had in place and simply accept what is.  8. Animal signs with the squirrel.  That was my reference for number 4 when I saw the squirrel jumping in the trees and knowing I had to trust my ability to make it as well.  Squirrels will always represent my father.  9. Two bright red cardinals flew into the same tree as the squirrel and I knew that was my grandparents.  I must always remember that things happen for a reason and that I am connected.  I need to get out of my own way and trust.

So all of this is to say that I am making progress in different ways.  I need to do different things to get different results and I am proud that I recognized that I need this time for me.  This is a great reset.  This is a rejuvenation and a caring about myself in a way I haven’t before.  This is the fulfilling of purpose instead of wandering aimlessly.  And it is trusting that even the things that don’t come true/come through are for a reason.  It is time to let go and float.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful to welcome the New Year.  I am grateful for every day I’ve had so far in my beautiful life and I’m grateful for every day to come.  I normally approach the New Year like the climbing of a roller coaster;  I am excited and anticipating the peak and then I spend the rest of the year on the ride, getting pulled up and down as the ride goes on and then get mad that I didn’t end up where I wanted to.  This year, I accept the ups and downs, but I took the time to figure out what ride I wanted to get on.  I planned more and defined where I want to be.  Granted, life is still a ride so I’m not sure what will come with that, but I know I will d my best along the way.  More YES!

Today I am grateful to learn and set myself up for success.  This year is going to bring a lot of lessons with the goals I have set for myself and I know I need every one of them.  I consider it a beautiful privilege to be in a position to learn like that.  I know the things I’m working on doing are putting me in a position where I can offer and do my best and am so happy.  I am also grateful that I get to put time in putting myself back together.  I feel like I know more of who I am now and it is time for me to put the pieces together in a way that works for me. 

Today I am grateful for purpose-driven, aligned, and authentic work that fulfills my goals.  Not everyone is able to say they love what they do—there are still facets of my life that I wish I didn’t have to participate in.  But I am grateful to learn the lessons from that as well.  Those lessons are where I can put together what works and what doesn’t work for me and that helps me get clarity in my life and share that with you.  We are awakening together and know there is more out there. 

Today I am grateful to find my connection to source again.  It is through source that any one of us reclaims our power and it is through reclaiming power that we fulfill our purpose and help others.  I used to think power was in control and keeping ahead of the situation and making things go exactly as I planned.  It was EXHAUSTING.  I still have control issues, but I am learning to let go and trust.  It wasn’t about claiming my power so to speak, it was about aligning with the power I was given to use for good.  I am grateful to find that source and for my strength to rely on my own wings rather than on other people’s shoulders.  That is authentic power.

Today I am grateful for real love in my life.  I look back over my life and I know I have been loved.  I know I am loved.  The things I’ve been through left me feeling alone for many years but I see now that I haven’t been alone, I’ve been cut off.  I spent years controlling and demanding and that wasn’t love.  I see the unconditional support I’ve gotten from everyone around me and I am grateful—my parents, my friends, my family.  THAT is love. 

Today I am grateful for creativity and the means to express it.  I love to share, I love to speak, I love to write all of this. I am so grateful for the ability to share it and hope that it gets to those who need it.  I am grateful to have a safe space in which to work on these words and to honor the message and feelings that come with it.  I am grateful to have a space that I’ve built myself that welcomes all the people and animals into it.  There is a connection in this room and it is divine.  I love it, I feel love in here, and I feel flow and power in here.

Today I am grateful to let go of the reins.  I’ve had successes in my life and I am grateful for that but I know allowing more will bring me where I am meant to be.  I’ve played it safe in too many arenas and it is time to trust that if I am brought to something, I am meant to go through it.  This is about saying, “Yes,” when I know it is meant for me.  This is about embracing the things in my life that I subconsciously push off by lacking worth.  If I am brought there, I am meant to be there.  I trust I am safe and capable and I am grateful for those reminders.  I am grateful to become the person I must be in order to achieve my goals.

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.

The First Steps I’ve Taken

Photo by Reza Nourbakhsh on Pexels.com

It has been over 6 years since I’ve had a vacation.  I have taken time off in those years, yes, but it has been to deal with major moments like moving or having a child or being ill.  I didn’t even take time off through losing my second child.  I haven’t taken actual time off for myself for almost 2200 days.  I always thought I was being productive staying plugged in but lately my mind and body have been telling me a very different story.  I’ve needed rest on a deeply spiritual and emotional level. The day to day I used to undertake with ease has felt like grinding gears while pulling a full cart behind me at the same time.  I can’t explain it better than I simply could not go on.

I’ve been talking about feeling off for almost a year now and it still didn’t occur to me that it had to do with the constant push and go.  I started to feel a combination of apathetic (I don’t care if this gets done, I need to watch Instagram) angry (I can’t believe I still have to do this and I don’t want to), and confused (I literally can’t remember what I’m supposed to be doing).  It was when I started forgetting things on the day to day that I began to get concerned.  I thought something was wrong with my brain.  Then I started feeling like crap.  With everything my body had been through this year, I expected some changes, but this was different.  This was fatigue so deep I struggled to stay awake during the day…yet I couldn’t sleep at night.  Then the anger started to spread into everything I did and then I got defiant and couldn’t complete anything which perpetuated the cycle.  I knew I was drowning. 

I wrote a piece a few weeks ago about the day I found myself moving listlessly through the house with no recollection of moving between rooms, just highly emotional.  In that moment, I knew with absolute certainty I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I blessedly have everything I need but no motivation to use it, and worse, I’m still not happy.  The pressure was still there, the fear was still there, the anger was still there and I still felt like I didn’t fit into the world I willingly created.  I had a moment of understanding that when you are still miserable after so much good, something IS wrong.  The alignment is still off.  It was a stopping point for me and those were the signs that couldn’t get any louder.  The vehicle needed maintenance so to speak.

I had scheduled this time off nearly two months ago, because healthcare, and then thought I would have to give it up because of my mother’s surgery.  Admittedly, I panicked.  As I said, I haven’t taken time off for myself in a long time and I knew how much I needed it.  I couldn’t give it up because I was about to break.  So I stood my ground and I kept the time off and arranged a shared responsibility with my sister. Then I eased into it.  My body felt under the weather for the first day or so and I simply rested.  That act of aligning with what I needed to do did more for me than pushing through the days have ever done.  On my third day, I picked up my work outs again and I came into my office after and drew some cards.  The cards on the fourth day stuck out.  They were about slowing down and listening to guidance and accepting what is of the highest good to be of service and step into my power.  The universe is speaking.

I have a lot to learn, but what I will share so far is that taking back control of what I want to be doing with my life is incredibly empowering and rejuvenating.  When the soul is so tired it can’t get through the day, that is the universe’s way of reminding us that we are out of connection and out of alignment.  I wish I had listened to these signs earlier, but everything happens for a reason.  We are creatures of action but movement without purpose won’t get us anywhere and I dove headfirst into that distraction again.  Now I know I no longer want to do that.  I’m ready to slow down and live in the moment and do what I need to.  I’m taking these steps on my path for the first time in a long time and it feels right.  I’m not healed yet, I don’t have all the answers, I’m terrified…but I feel better and I have a knowing that this is where I’m supposed to be.  I am grateful.