“If you really want to fly, just harness your power to your passion,” Oprah.  Just when I thought I was done talking about desire, this little gem pops up.  I think this is a great reminder and a nudge from the universe to remember that it’s up to us to figure out our passion and then build it up and to focus it into results.  I mentioned in the piece two days ago that desire can easily transform into fixation and this is where I want to explain that a bit more.  We don’t want desire to become fixated because then we are locked into a specific way to a specific result and we will repeat the same action over and over again until we see that result—and often times we won’t see it or it will take us longer than we ever would have thought.  What we are actually looking for is to turn desire into passion.  Passion keeps us focused on the end result but not so much on the how.  Yes, it will show us the steps we need to take, but it takes the ego out of it and we don’t feel the need to determine what that step is.  We allow the universe to show us what’s next.

In creating anything and developing desire to passion, it’s important for us to understand what is measurable and what is producing the results we are looking for.  I will us the familiar analogy of running a track.  Yes, we are moving and creating/using energy as we run circles, but we aren’t getting anywhere.  The goal is to get those ideas off the ground and to start living that life so we must direct that energy to the things that lift us up.  Or at the very least things that help us progress forward, not just run circles.  So all in all, the lessons so far are this: feel the thing that calls inside, the repetitive thoughts we can’t let go of and start working to raise that spark into a little flame.  See if it’s something we can develop into something more—and more importantly, if it’s something we want to develop into something more.  From there, find what will bring us to the next level.  What gets us moving?  Even if it is in circles at this point, what is helping us move?  Next is the real development.  Now we ask ourselves what moves us forward?  Not just moving, but intentionally moving forward?  And lastly, is the harnessing of that power. What will bring us to the point where we are no longer running, but flying?  Not only do we move with intention, but we have an intentional destination.  That is how we move and create with desire and live with passion and drive.  We learn to fly.    

“The greatest power isn’t atomic energy—it’s human desire,” JR Ridinger. As we spoke yesterday, desire is what makes this world move, specifically our own worlds.  I want to press home the point that our goal doesn’t need to be to change the course of the world, rather to develop and change the course of our own worlds.  Never underestimate the power of the example we can set through harnessing our own power and desire—and through focus.  The interesting thing, and something we’ve spoken about often, is that creative power is destructive.  It shatters the paradigm and lessons of everything we thought we knew.  The mind is infinitely powerful so if we have a thought or something that tells us we need to work on it, then it is there for a reason—it is there for us to develop.  Those desires, the initial sparks and flames of knowing there is something else are no joke.  We are meant to fan that into something huge.

The difference between atomic energy and human desire is also this: atomic energy seeks to destroy through harmful means while human desire destroys that which harms in favor of something new, first for ourselves, and then for everyone.  Our creation can go either way so we need to manage the fuel and the resulting flame.  All forms of destruction contain power—it takes that kind of power to willingly walk away from security and what we knew in order to learn and create something else.  The whole point is this: we need to know the end goal of what we see and feel around us.  We need to know what we are looking to create in our lives and then, more importantly, how to build it back up into something functional, not just a repeat of what we’ve already done.  We can use our power and creativity for whatever we choose, yes, but when we choose to harness it, magic happens.

Spend sometime thinking about what we truly desire in our lives.  What do we truly crave?  How do we really want to feel?  Are we doing the things that bring us to that state?  Or are we waiting for something or someone else to give it to us?  The truth is we can have it at any time as long as we are dedicated and focused enough to follow through.  That alone is enough to shift the course we are on.  We can’t wait for someone to take our dreams, develop them, and give them to us.  We’d be waiting our entire lives, so that work is our job.  Finding that clarity and what it takes to bring the idea to life is our job.  Don’t squander the gift of energy we have because there will come a time when our energy is gone and it will be our time to transition it back to the Earth from where we came.  If we are here, if we are breathing, if we are able to alter the course of our lives, then now is the time to honor that desire and do it.  What do you really want to do with that? I hope we all take a moment to figure that out and envision the future.

“Desire, burning desire is basic to achieving anything beyond the ordinary,” Joseph Wirthlin.  I want to caveat this understanding that desire is a tricky thing because it can quickly lead to obsession or fixation on a specific result.  That isn’t to say that WILL happen, but it is to say we need to direct and choose our focus thoughtfully. Without desire, we lack motivation to make changes or do anything else.  We lack a direction or a drive to where we want to be.  We lack clarity on what to do next.  Desire is a fire we need to contain and direct—never extinguish, but guide and direct like a controlled burn.  We fan the flames where they need to be otherwise we burn what creates life, the life we are looking for. So often we look at fire as destruction and discount the life-giving properties it can have.  Yes, it scorches and burns and eliminates and consumes what is in its path, but in its wake, it leaves the Earth prepared for new growth.  It clears the way by removing the old to make way for the new.  Sometimes that slow burn is all we need to create something new.

Desire makes us believe that there is something else possible.  It tells us that what we currently have is paving the way for something more, something different.  Desire is the spark inside of us that inspires us to action to create.  We are highly adaptable creatures and we are gifted with incredible ingenuity to create what we envision.  When we sit on that, we waste time that could have been devoted to creating it. We are meant to recognize what needs to burn in order to create space for new growth.  We don’t have to set out to create an extraordinary world or alter the entire course of history—we need to change our own world and alter our own path and in doing so, we will find ourselves and show others how to do the same. 

Don’t let anyone put out that flame.  Surround ourselves with people who encourage healthy development and practices and who we can co-create with.  We need to work with people who allow it to build and develop and help us to harness it.  If we suppress the flame all we do is burn ourselves and we fear that which can open the door to an entirely new life for us.  Don’t pretend the desire doesn’t exist.  It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something that drives us—it isn’t for anyone else to determine what is right or good for us.  If it feels good, if it’s something we think we can create with, then that is what we need to do.  The only way to change is to allow change to happen and if we want to make a change in our lives, we need to know which parts of the old version of ourselves we need to let go.  Flame is a death, but also a rebirth, for out of the ash, new life is born much like the Phoenix.  Let the life we are meant to have flourish and awaken. 

So often we don’t realize that our expectations of things going a certain way are the very things holding us back.  We aren’t allowing things to progress if we demand a certain thing come in a certain way at a certain time.  We have our life on pause until that thing happens the way and when we envision it.  When we release the expectation of how and when, we free up the energy needed for the thing to come.  We let go of our idea of what others think of us and we simply become who we are.  That acceptance of self and the willingness to accept lessons and direction (or redirection) clear the way.  We know what to do and then allow the rest.  Stop creating our own obstacles by demanding the how.

I didn’t realize how much of my expectation of things going a certain way was actually stopping me.  I thought it was a matter of me being responsible and keeping to course to a certain degree.  I never considered it was a control thing.  I thought it simply was a trial and a test to see if I was dedicated enough or committed enough to see things through no matter how tough.  I never considered it wasn’t a test of resilience but rather a test of faith.  A test that I could trust enough to let go and float and things would still come to pass as they were meant to.  It wasn’t about my resolve to see things through, it was about having faith enough that what was meant to happen will happen and get me where I need to go.

Sometimes things don’t look how we think they will.  I know there was a period where I got confused and I started settling for anything because I didn’t think that anything I wanted would come to fruition.  I stopped saying yes to what I actually wanted because I didn’t think it was for me—I confused the alignment with chasing a carrot while demanding it look a certain way for me to be worthy to receive it.  But when we put all of that aside and we learn to take life as it comes, we see that all we are meant to have finds its way to us no matter what we are doing.  We can’t stop what is meant to be.  We can’t demand it be a certain way because that isn’t ours to control but we can allow and adapt to things as they come.  Don’t allow our expectations to be what stops us in our tracks.  Trust what comes.

Today I am grateful for (un)certainty.  I’ve spent the last week doing an intense amount of healing work.  It has felt cathartic and clearing on an entirely new level for me.  I know that what comes next, tomorrow I am supposed to go back to a routine that I’ve had for years—a routine that hasn’t served me.  Yes, that role has given me a home, food, clothing, a few extras for myself and my family—and I don’t take a second of that for granted.  But it hasn’t given me what I need.  I have a full plate and I’m still hungry.  I know I’m tired of mindlessly filling my life with things thinking the next new thing is going to make me feel better.  The only way to change this is to change it.  I know that I don’t have all the details of what this next/new version of me is supposed to be and do, but I know that I am feeling less and less of the pull toward what I’ve done before.  I know the next phase is incredibly difficult—but I am ready and willing to do it.  So I have a choice.  That alarm is going to go off tomorrow and I can do what I’ve always done.  Or I can change it.  How exciting.

Today I am grateful for family.  We are celebrating this Easter Sunday as our nuclear little unit.  We had the entire family together yesterday and it was beautiful.  The kids hunted for hundreds of eggs on my brother’s property, we had good food, good laughs, and a great time with family.  We are never guaranteed another day, let alone another holiday (a year out) so it was incredibly important to be present and enjoy every moment.  The more we spend time with each other, the more I see we are aging.  I consider this a gift because not everyone is fortunate enough to have this many days.  The family is seeing a lot of milestones this year—we have a 30^th, 40^th, 50^th, and 60^th birthday celebration.  How lovely that we can say we’ve had this many Easters together?  How lovely we can say we’ve risen again and given the opportunity to be who we are?  There is power in renewal and I want to teach my son to never squander that.  I never want to squander another day either.  It’s a gift.  Being with each other, being ourselves—it’s our chance to do what we are meant to do.   

Today I am grateful for a sense of knowing.  As the sun rises on this day, I am reminded how beautiful this life is and that making changes is never easy—standing up on one’s own feet can be challenging when we’ve been directed a certain way or expected to behave a certain way our entire lives.  Not to get too religious, but Jesus stood for something many people didn’t understand at the time and He performed miracles that awed and frightened people.  Regardless of what people thought, he kept sharing his message.  I know that I will not be walking on water any time soon, but if our salvation comes from someone standing in their true form, their identity, I know I would rather do what is right for me than pretend I am ok with doing what others tell me I should be doing.  We have one chance to live this life and we are given the innate ability to know who we are—for all the sacrifices of those before us, the least we can do is be ourselves, honor ourselves, and not be afraid.   

Today I am grateful for fun.  I love these moments of sheer joy on my son’s face.  Seeing him run in the fields, between a small child and a teen, I realize how important it is to embrace the fun.  Seeing some of the older kids trying to act aloof while the little kids were thrilled to find the eggs, and then seeing my son in the middle, not a little kid, but not a teen, just enjoying himself and having a ball was a gift.  When he came running back with the basket full of eggs I thought he would burst.  Seeing his face when he found his Easter basket today and getting the books he wanted made my heart so full.  I love the anticipation and the joy of seeing my boy that happy.  I don’t take any of that magic for granted. 

Today I am grateful to be.  As I mentioned earlier, this past week has been a lot of energetic, emotional, and spiritual healing.  I had been so out of touch with my belief, my faith, even in the midst of consciously working on my faith, I was still so far out of reach it was painful.  I didn’t realize how much of this I still needed to teach myself.  My parents never forced anything on me as far as belief/religion, and I am grateful for that.  But I felt this gap that came from missing the point of source.  I could preach all day about being connected to self and our purpose but I would fall apart when things fell apart.  I never knew how to fully reconcile that.  And I took time this week to understand that sometimes things fall apart, not as punishment, but as guidance.  If I believe in that guidance for others, then the same is true for me.  I need to go with the signs I am seeing. I need to trust and I need to allow myself to heal completely.  Stop repeating the patterns out of habit and start something new, something more productive, something that will take me where I want to go.  I am grateful to be me—and even if there are parts that still seem uncertain, I know that I’ve come to far to go back to where I need to be.  If I am making this change, then it is time to make the change. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Changing and evolution are a death.  We experience the death of who we were so we can welcome the next version of who we are.  Our society is incredibly adept at distraction, making us think that we need to constantly be on to the next big thing, the next decision, the next thing to do.  We don’t appreciate where we are at (most of us that is) and we are taught that we need to be bigger, better, and consuming more all the time.  So when things aren’t working how they used to and we have to slow down, we start to realize that things aren’t what they used to be.  I danced in the in between for so long, between decisive action and hesitation for years.  That’s a dangerous spot as well because we are content enough to not radically change anything we do but we are unsettled enough that we know something isn’t right.  I danced there thinking I new the way, knew all the steps until the walls started closing in.  At first it felt like a comfort thing.  Like the outside was falling away.  That soon shifted to feeling constrained.  And soon the walls were close enough that I couldn’t move had I wanted to.  But I could still breathe, I told myself.  And then the roof started collapsing as well. 

That is what we call rock bottom.  For years I tried over and over again to create what I thought I wanted, resurrected out of the ideas of my childhood and the emotions/dreams/feelings/expectations of everyone around me.  Coupled with low self-esteem and even lower self-confidence, the only thing we know is what others tell us to do and when we are praised for that, it’s a dangerous combination.  The feeling of contentment and fear of the unknown are powerful enough to persuade us that the familiarity is enough and we are happy.  That contentment is a drug and it isn’t who we are.  It’s who we tell ourselves we are.  It’s who we think we need to be to survive in this world, a world that thrives on distraction.  I started seeing people as they began to awaken from their sleep and I didn’t even know that’s what it was at the time.  They were just doing things differently and it seemed like they were happy.  When we see other possibilities we begin to wake up to what is possible for us.  We have to decide at that point if we are able to let go of what we know in favor of what we don’t.  In favor of feeling something different. 

To feel something different we must do something different.  We must extend patience with ourselves as we try something new.  We have to accept that there are things in this new way of being, even though we may not know everything about that way of being.  We have to trust that it is ok to not know and that we have the ability to figure it out.  If all we know is that we don’t want to feel how we do, that’s enough.  We have to be willing to put the past to rest.  We have to be willing to love who we were and appreciate where that version got us, but we have to devote time to being someone new.  And it is a learning curve.  It is a learning process.  We don’t suddenly wake up and are 21, or 40, or 60.  Although at times it feels like it.  But no, we spent that time in between learning new things and adapting to new habits.  We accept the things we learned and integrate it.  So much of this is repetitive, I know, but change isn’t linear.  We progress and we go back and we learn and we try again.  We know who we are based on what other people tell us, and we learn how to be someone else to express our truth based on how we feel, specifically what feels right.  Be patient as we learn to be someone else.  Even learning to ride a bike usually requires training wheels and life doesn’t come with that type of guidance.  So take it slow but assured, and we can put the pieces of us to rest that need to be and allow the rest to come alive.  If we want to be someone new, we have to live as someone new.   

“The portal to every next level is through the parts of yourself that you avoid,” via awakened soul.  I don’t know if it’s ego that clings to this idea that we need to be perfect or to be perceived a certain way in order to survive.  There was a point when we needed to present ourselves a certain way to survive: if we didn’t appear ferocious or like we knew what we were doing, then we would certainly die.  But even though we don’t have to go through that now, we still have a tendency to worry what others think and how they see us so we put down and hide parts of us that we feel will get us ostracized or ridiculed or shunned on some level.  In hiding those parts of us, we avoid the essence of how we are meant to feel.  We avoid the lessons we need to grow into who we are meant to be.  I know I have fear around trying new things because I like to know what to anticipate and I struggle to let go of my controlling tendencies.  But in controlling or trying to control all the outcomes, I suppressed what I needed to learn to get through them.  It was a lot of energy trying to prevent the event from happening whereas if I had let it happen I would have learned what I needed to and moved on.

The parts of ourselves that we fear or say we don’t like are there to teach us.  They are a part of us for a reason.  We wouldn’t have it in us if we weren’t meant to have it and to learn/know how to use it.  I think as we’ve become more comfortable with the way we are told to do things or that we are told things need to be a certain way, it feels more and more necessary to hide those facets of who we are. But we can’t hide those pieces of us if we want to be genuine.  And we can’t fulfill our purpose in alignment and in the right frequency if we hide the truth of who we are.  if we are going to develop we need to face the challenges that will inevitably show up.  That means facing the parts of us that we want to hide, that we were trained to hide, that we feel we need to hide.  When we face those pieces of ourselves and we learn to love and accept them, we become a new version of who we are.  We are at peace with who we are.  We can only love ourselves as much as we love ourselves and we can only forgive if we forgive ourselves.  Life is a mirror so we need to accept and honor who we are so we can do the same for others. 

We are all human and we will all make mistakes.  We will all do things we aren’t proud of.  We all need to feel what we need to feel, we have to face what we think we want to become in order to become something else.  Accept ourselves honestly and wholly and face it directly.  Often times if we face the fear directly we find that it isn’t nearly as scary as we think it is, and it saves time and energy.  They say that what we want is on the other side of our fear.  I know with 100% certainty that facing fear isn’t easy and that it isn’t always clear why we have to have certain experiences or that the lesson isn’t always there either (or at least not immediately evident).  But the more we accept ourselves and learn about ourselves the more we are able to be honest with ourselves—ad we do that through being direct.  We need to be direct with ourselves and do so gently, knowing that we are trying to grow.  To give ourselves room to grow.  To give others room to grow.  So don’t be afraid to directly face who we are, to face those fears, and to release the parts we try to dampen.  The world only gets brighter by allowing the light to shine and that light starts from within.  They say if we face the light the shadow always falls behind us.  So.  Don’t be afraid of what we will find.  Instead use what we find to continue to light the way for ourselves and others.  Unveil who we are and enjoy every part of the journey.

“Knowing what must be done does away with fear,” Rosa Parks.  This quote applies on so many levels and I’m choosing to use it in reference to moving life forward on an individual level for all of us.  I wake up every morning with bleary eyes, like almost unable to see and this has been happening for nearly a year.  When it started happening with more frequency I told myself it was because I’m missing something, I’m not seeing clearly, I can’t see what’s coming.  It was an immediate knowing that it wasn’t necessarily physiological, it was psychological as well.  When we know what’s next, we do feel a certain sense of peace and certainty, and we feel like we know what’s next.  I pulled some affirmations and they were about merging desire and faith to take steps with certainty.  It’s the knowing, the faith, the trust that creates certainty and confidence and all of that comes from clarity on the what and releasing the how.  I’ve been looking for the how like it was my job to have all the answers instead of just living.  Sometimes it’s ok to simply do what feels right.

I’ve witnessed my siblings and their lives and how they did things, so many times not knowing the long term.  I’ve always looked for the long term, the possible pain around every corner trying to mitigate and find the absolute best decision before making a move. I didn’t want any pain.   In so many ways I still feel child-like because I’m operating on what is right and how I think it should be…and no one knows how paralyzing that is.  People see me as confident but that only comes because I have a sense of righteousness about it should be a certain way.  When it doesn’t go that way I lose it.  I have a tendency to not know how to cope if things don’t go as planned.  I created my own pain in avoiding it.  There is this truth about exhaustion from constant stimulation.  It’s too much, too much available at once, drinking from a fire hose all the time.  I wrote about being too stimulated the other day and color we crazy did a video on that today.  It’s too much.  How can we know what to do next when we are literally trying to breathe.  Always trying to be better, to be next, to do more, to be more, to consume more, to sell more.    

The first step then is to realize that we don’t always need more.  Sometimes we need less.  We need to stop and take our bearings and take in the simplest method of care.  What is the one thing we can address right now?  We don’t need to know all the answers because there is no way to know every step that’s coming.  We simply need to take that first step.  Begin.  Breathe.  And as we move forward the light begins to get brighter and brighter until we finally enter the clearing and can see our surroundings and understand.  There is no room for fear in that state. The light is too bright.  And it all started from taking a single step forward toward what felt right.  It isn’t about seeing the whole story—yes we need to stop and look at the big picture every now and then, but there are a wealth of pages filled with events from beginning to end.  Why are we trying to stress ourselves out figuring out every step of the way?  We allow it to happen naturally in some cases and in others we freak.  It made me a control freak, and losing control made me panic.  But there is nothing more freeing than allowing the universe to run its course.  There are answers we learn through feeling that alignment.  All we have to do is decide to take the first step—and then take it.

The timing of the universe is impeccable.  As I wrote the piece about my son and his revelation with the clay, I was reading a book where the character turns to pottery as a way to ease her stress from her medical career only to find that making pottery is her happy place, her true calling.  No, I have no intention of being a potter, but the message hit home in a very real way that I need to do what feels right, that I need to find my happy place.  The messages have been clear and repeating with greater frequency that the call of my heart is the way to go.  Have faith that I am called that way for a reason and that it is time to trust that doing what I want to do will get me where I need to go.  Trying to hold on to this way of life is constricting the life right out of me—it isn’t a life that I’m living, it’s a life that I’m experiencing.  Still.  I’ve made SO much progress and I fear where I may have been had I not started these practices when I did, so for that I am grateful.  But now I’ve gotten to the heart of it, the heart of me and that is simply that I need to follow and follow through on what my heart tells me.

We have children, not to control them, but to guide them and shape them much like clay.  And in that process of transforming the substance, we too are shaped.  I learn more from my kid every day than I do from working with some of the people I do.  I learn more from his openness and kindness and his love and curiosity and his joy than I do from repeating the same patterns over and over again—all while knowing it isn’t what I want to do anyway.  I have something that most people would consider secure and a decent way to live.  And there are absolutely facets of it I love.  But the truth is I never feel alive while doing most of it.  Most of the time I feel like I’m trying to not drown.  The most frustrating part of it is that all of that mentality is completely avoidable: we create all of that stress and I know it and the less I try to feed into it the more I am sucked back in.  There is a status quo that most people have with chaos that I no longer want to participate in but I am constantly pulled back in because I’m viewed as the problem for going against the norm. 

But when these signs are this frequent, this persistent, and this clear, and when they fall together like puzzle pieces, that isn’t something to be ignored.  That is something to trust.  Regardless of not seeing the outcome, that is something to trust and to follow with all of our hearts.  We see the way by walking, not by guessing.  I feel the call, I feel the tingle, and I feel alive.  The excitement and the possibility flowing through me—and whenever we feel that, we should understand that we need to follow where that leads.  Stop sitting and waiting for what we thought would be the perfect moment and simply start living.  Find the things that make us happy and do that.  The world needs more people who are happy and alive than it does people who are miserable and calling the shots.  We don’t need more ego, we need more growth.  We need more time with humanity and less time spent finding ways to improve it.  We need to remember that we are how we are for a reason and the world needs our gifts more than it needs our control.  I have little choice now but to follow, and no, I can’t see where that goes, but I am happy to shift because the known hasn’t gotten me where I thought it would anyway.  I open my eyes and take the first step.  What signs are you seeing?