“I know,” he said.  “I did it so I wouldn’t have to hear your bitching,” he said.  “I’ve gotten better about driving the boat over the water like that, the fiberglass can’t handle it,” he said.  “Maybe I do better around people at keeping the mask on, pretending that everything is ok.  I’m still miserable,” he said.  “I’m done.  With all of it.  With this house.  With you. With [our son],” he said.  “I can’t be the partner you need me to be,” he said.  “I’m not sure I’m in love with you anymore,” he said.  The drinking every night.  The gaming all the time.  The lack of interest in anything we do as a family.  The anger at having to contribute financially.  The ignoring every milestone with our son.  The cheating.  The lying.  The inability to work with me.  The blowing up at our son for absolutely nothing and screaming at him for nothing.  The saying that he will help out when he can instead of prioritizing the family. The spending on himself no matter what situation we were in, us always coming last. Always wanting to be alone, always finding a way to be without us whether it was smoking a cigarette, leaving our son in the house alone, walking past us.  Then no longer kissing me good bye in the morning or answering a simple question.  And when I tell him I love him, in spite of all of that shit, “I know,” he says. 

I can admit that I made a lot of mistakes.  There were things I gave up because I thought I had to live my life a certain way.  I thought I wanted certain things.  I wanted to make people proud and feel certain ways about me.  I wanted to prove myself.  I probably forced more than I should have.  I had expectations.  But in all of that, I loved.  I always asked for input and feedback and perspective and feeling and opinion and I got nothing.  He didn’t even know himself and I forced my ideas and because he went with it, I believed that he wanted the same things as well.  Until the anger started coming.  He would tell me he wanted something and would agree to it and then do the total opposite.  People will always show you who they are and what they really believe.  When they show you, believe them. 

I didn’t believe him, I had hope.  I misread all the signs.  I took too much too personally thinking it was about my ego and I bitched incessantly when things weren’t going my way—mainly because I was working from what I had known and practiced my whole life, partly because I didn’t have any other feedback to go on.  I also saw the potential of who he could be and I saw how good he was with every other person but me.  Always the first to help out.  I should have believed him when he cheated.  I should have believed him when he kept talking to all of his exes behind my back.  I should have believed him when he slept for the first abortion.  I should have believed him when he never picked up the extra slack.  I should have believed him when he didn’t give a shit about our son’s first steps.  I should have believed him when he threw a hissy fit in Hawaii because he couldn’t get weed.  I should have believed him when he spent 10k behind my back.  I should have believed him when he didn’t pay the association or the cable or the electric.  I can admit that because of all the shit he put me through, I acted like I was owed a lot—because I took him back after cheating, because I took him on huge vacations, because I paid for the majority of everything always, because I took care of him period, I felt like he should want to give and do these things to show gratitude and make me happy.  I was wrong for that. 

But there was always something else underlying that I couldn’t accept and didn’t want to believe and I should have understood when we repeated this pattern.  I never wanted to believe he simply didn’t LIKE me.  That he never cared about me.  I had the fear in the back of my mind that he stayed with me because he felt guilty.  It was guilt, never love, that kept him around. He felt he had to do what I said because of all that shit and is now suffering because he doesn’t know who he is.  And I don’t know who I am.  I fixated on controlling him, on shaping him into who he could be because I didn’t want to get hurt and I felt I knew better.  He feels completely out of control in his life.  He’s an addict—to spending, to drinking, to smoking, to gaming, to everything he starts, he latches on to it.  And he is constantly leaving me in the dust.  So I searched for him and I clung to him thinking I was keeping myself safe. Giving him lavish things so he would see I was worth it.  And he looked 100% miserable the entire fucking time, the evidence of it right in the pictures I took at the time. I never took the time to honor my own dreams because I was afraid of losing him, afraid that he would hurt me.  I just never anticipated the hurt would come from the admission that he doesn’t even love me.             

For the lack of sanity, support, and faith, I sacrificed the very things I wanted on an altar of fear and shame, begging for approval and permission.  I said the same things, repeated the same fear and insecurity from my mom.  The same self-righteous anger and pretention from my dad.  Showed my love through what I could buy and then got resentful for being used and controlling because I was furious about being left behind.  Always hurt, always angry.  It was a perfect storm.  A guy never loved a girl, the girl was entirely mad for the guy, he hurt her and felt bad, she demanded love in return, he put up with it as long as he could, he was cracked the entire time with little bits of the truth always showing, she was broken entirely, he agreed to bits and pieces along the way to try and make up for it.  Then he shattered what was left. 

At 40 years old, I feel like I’m waking up and realizing that all of this was a complete lie.  That the last 23 years were nothing but acting.  I’m waking up empty.  Scared. Cold. Alone.  I feel exactly the same as I did when I was 20.  I wish he had never told me he loved me.  I wish I didn’t love him.  I wish I didn’t love the idea of him.  I wish I didn’t still have some hope that he will change his mind and we can create a new foundation.  Because I have no idea what I’m going to do next.  To be fair I’ve been in this relationship feeling alone anyway.  But the reality of being alone is entirely different.  I’m confused and jilted because he didn’t even know what he wanted so I want to know if it was so bad the whole time why did he keep agreeing to it?  Was it all guilt?  I feel I’m being punished for filling in the blanks.  Again, I know I went too far with the controlling, but I didn’t know what else to do.

So 23 years after I declared 8 words to him, 16 years after we said 2 words to each other in front of family, I’m afraid this is all ending with two very different words, “I know.”  I am absolutely helpless at this stage to force anything.  I don’t think I can force anything ever again.  I certainly can’t make someone love me.  I can’t make him feel anything.  I can’t make him be what I see in him.  I can’t make him hope for what I thought he wanted.  I can’t give him the answers I’m sure he is genuinely looking for.  I can’t read his mind.  I can’t fix this.  I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed.  Truly I feel guilt and shame in this moment because I can see the massive amount of ego I brought to this relationship and how that ruined this whole thing.  How it has quite possibly ruined many relationships.  I hated people for torturing me so much that I built up this fucked up wall of incredible bravado and worth but it was all built on sand.  He had to dance around my mood swings just as much as I felt them, and it was exhausting.  To be fair, that was exhausting for both of us.   It was a fucked up cycle of him trying to avoid upsetting me and me feeling like he lied or hurt me and then spiraling out.  We never communicated honestly.  Either that or he really didn’t want to.

It hurts because I know I am responsible for this too.  And he doesn’t want to hear any of that.  This is something that can be healed with genuine honesty and open communication.  And he isn’t capable of that.  He can’t even do that for himself.  He needs to know who he is and no one can tell him that.  I need to know who I am and no one can tell me that.  I don’t want to be this version of me.  I don’t want to be this version that gets so wrapped up and ego driven that she is owed everything and pushes people away, that she pushes people into this cycle of only being with her because they feel guilty, the person who buys people.  I don’t want people to have to sing my praises to be in my presence.  All I ever really wanted was respect and when I couldn’t get that I should have been better about boundaries.  I wanted acknowledgement of who I am, that I had significance, not worship.  I wanted to share who I was without being taken advantage of.  And I manipulated this entire thing into a disgusting, murky, mess.  Instead of trying to band-aid and patch this, I should have just stopped trying to be anything and figured out who I am.

So now I have no clue where I go from here.  Except to start over.  I can’t go back.  But I can start again.  Completely let the past lie where it is, let it all settle, let the muck slough off.  And maybe after all that things will be clear.  I’ve been like this longer than I realized—scared, alone, egotistical, closed off, controlling.  All if it was defense mechanisms and those shields have been up for ages.  But if I let my true heart come out again and practice a little more patience and caution, maybe there will be something else there.  Release the entitlement and the demanding and just cooperate, trusting that all is playing out how it should.  Heal the hurt from all those years ago and remember who I am, not based on any opinion, but on what I feel.  Right now I feel…so much.  I know I just want him to be happy.  And I want the same for myself and my son.  That means accepting whatever happens next, no matter what it is.  It means saying I love myself and being able to say, “I know” to that version of me.                                     

We can’t keep the mask on or the shield up or the pretense longer than we are able to carry it.  Regardless of how long that is, the shield will always eventually drop.  The body knows, it feels the vibration regardless of what is portrayed on the outside.  The body, the mind, the heart, the soul, the entire universe knows what sound is emanating from the heart.  So perhaps it isn’t the fact that we can’t carry the shield any longer, it’s more that we can’t contain the rhythm of our own heart—a sound and a vibration that was never meant to be contained anyway.  The vibration and feeling can change, but it can only hide the truth for so long and when it shows itself, no matter how hard we try to go back, we are never able to put it back.  The real feelings always show through.

We had a family day planned and it was a gorgeous day.  Granted it was hot for what we wanted to do, it was still beautiful.  We tried to fit it all in and sometimes when you try to fit in those last little things on the cracked foundation, it finally gives.  We went out with friends and I could see through the fraying weight of trying to be content where we were at, trying to have fun, trying to pretend he was enjoying himself.  We didn’t have to go, I offered several outs and it was still decided to go.  So when things started to go downhill (as is partially natural with young kids in hot weather), I saw the edges of truth peeking through.  I read through the frustration and understood this was not what he wanted to be doing.   Perhaps we were not the people he wanted to be with. 

While I struggle to not take it personally, I know there is something deeper going on.  There is a longing for truth in himself and it’s hard to decide what that is when you’ve been one way for so long.  But I know the feeling of holding in the truth of how we feel for the sake of those around us and the complete frustration at feeling bottled, caged with how we really feel, and when we reach that point where the mask is no longer working and the real feelings are oozing out of the edges, it’s time to stop.  It’s time to put down the mask and get honest.  When we get to that point we can’t go on.  It’s time to let it go and put down what no longer serves.  It’s painful, but it’s necessary.  And the truth is it feels all the better when we finally put down the shieled and release what we were holding inside.  They say the truth shall set you free and that had nothing to do with jailed persons confessing—it has to do with confessing the truth of the heart and living to the fullest, most authentic version of ourselves.  It’s only then when life begins.  It may take three, four, five, six times before we get it, but when we let it out, there is no greater feeling than letting those wings spread and taking flight.

“This journey has always been about reaching your own other shore no matter what it is,” Diana Nyad.  I think we get caught up in the story we tell ourselves about what we are supposed to be and how things are supposed to look.  Moreso the latter if I’m honest.  We want to come across that all of our decisions are flawless and that we always did the right thing when the reality is that our life is filled with these moments of ebb and flow and not everything is beautiful.  We empty to become full again, we fail so we can improve, we dream so we can build.  That dream doesn’t need to be anything in particular—it needs to be what works for us.  It needs to be the reflection and the representation of who we are, because as I said yesterday, it is in being who we are that we can do the most good.

There is only one end point in this dream with all of us and that is death—so the path we take during life really is irrelevant.  As long as we fulfill our purpose with resolve and dedication and we are open to learning along the way, I think it’s a very real possibility that we will always get where we are meant to be.  Most of the time it isn’t about what we want, it’s about what we do.  The destination isn’t really the point because no matter what we do in this time on earth we can’t take it with us, the experiences, the memories etc.  But we can leave those around us with memories and lessons on what to do differently—we leave a legacy.  So when we embark toward a particular goal, remember that the ups and downs, the twists and turns are all for a reason.  They all mean something.  IT doesn’t matter what it looks like—as long as we find what is ours.

“The greater good is rarely outweighed by one’s self interest,” Howard Stark, Endgame.  There are so many gems in this movie and I wrote about one years ago spoken from Freya regarding failing at who we are “supposed” to be—that one always hits me no matter how many times I hear it because the simple truth is no one in this world is supposed to be anything other than who they are no matter what people pressure them into feeling.  When we review this quote from the Stark character, I consider the entire character arc of Tony Stark, going from complete narcissist to somewhere in between, knowing he needs to use his gifts for good.  Understanding how the world works and using it for personal gain and then turning that power into something that can help the world.  And here we have a line from his father talking about the lessening of the self to help the greater good—both wanted to help, each did it in their own way.  The ironic part of it, and something that I credit the Tony Stack character for is understanding that if we don’t know who we are and honor ourselves then we aren’t able to do the world a damn bit of good.  While our own interest can be detrimental to the world, sacrificing who we are is just as detrimental.  The latter is demonstrated by the Howard Stark character lost time with his family for helping others while Tony finds himself with his family—the last place he thought he would.

So how do we understand the greater good in this context?  We need to understand that while our personal interests can hurt the world if we don’t balance it with using those gifts, we need to know ourselves well enough to develop who we are so we can be of service.  This is essentially what I was writing about the other day when I spoke of God’s purpose for us. Our purpose was never meant for personal gain in spite of being OUR purpose.  That gift is meant to benefit as many people as possible—and that is true for all of us as we all have a gift that we need to develop and learn about and turn into something we can share with the world.  That isn’t to say that all of our gifts will have that kind of reach.  We need to remember the butterfly effect and the ripple effect and understand that, while some of our actions can seem small, those actions may impact someone else’s life to the point where they make the change the world is looking for.  We are all a web. 

So with that in mind, what would we do differently? What can we change moving forward? Would we go back if we could?  Live those moments differently?  Or do we learn to make peace with it and simply move forward as we are?  Stop pretending to be someone else, lost in a memory or regret.  Just be.  I find that as much as I wish to change what happened and make it what my version of right is, that we can’t do that.  So the desire to change what was becomes the catalyst and the opportunity to do something different and still effect change even if it wasn’t how we thought originally.  I don’t know all the answers, none of us do.  But I do know that there is some reason for everything and that we will find it eventually.  And even if we don’t (which I’m not saying will happen) I will take some solace in the fact that I can and did do the best I could while I am/was here.  That’s all I have control over—my actions and decisions here and now.  I will use that knowledge to make the best choices based on who I am and how I can do the most good.  That’s all we can do.

I want to continue briefly on yesterday’s discussion on our purpose.  Driving home from the Ren Faire today I had a weird feeling about how weird this world is in general.  How little point there is to any of it.  We were with this massive group of people all walking around this fake town from another time, some dressed up to the nth degree in high heat.  Why do we do this?  And that made me question why we do anything we do. Why do we work like we do?  Why do we choose the work we do?  Why do we modify our behavior around other people?  Why do we form the relationships we do?  Why do we believe we need to have our lives a certain way?  Why do we think we need to have achieved certain things by a certain time?  It’s so arbitrary, we can do anything, yet we choose to repeat patterns of those before us and what we have learned ourselves.  Perhaps it’s a safety thing because it always feels best to repeat what we know…But we have to start questioning what we are doing, how we feel about it, what the point is.  I feel that is a natural part of our existence here.

We start to evaluate what gives us love, peace, hope, drive…all of the things that seem to excite us.  We search for what makes us happy and seek to unite and alchemize all of our intricacies into one loving vibration.  We use our wisdom and make the transition to move all those parts into one so we become the master of something unique in our lives.  I’m not saying this to be morbid, but the truth is we are all going to die and we are all on this weird ride together, choosing to spend our energy in a certain way—when the truth is we can spend that energy any way we want.  Perhaps the existential moment I was having is more this: we don’t have to do anything that we are told to do, we don’t have to do anything the same way as anyone else.  It’s a risk, but in the end, it literally doesn’t matter.  We choose how we spend our time and energy.  We can choose again.  If there is no point and we all end up the same way, why waste any time stressing over what we do now.  I never spent enough time finding what made me truly happy—and that is the key to finding our way in this world.  Follow the desires, what feels good, and work on making it our own.  That’s where we find the answers we need. We don’t need the why-we need the resonance of what feels right.  That is our purpose.

We are God’s handiwork, created…to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.  Ephesians 2:10. Even using this verse, I want to be clear that I am not a religious person, although I am spiritual and I do study different religions to better understand different points of view.  This verse struck me because I had been wrestling with the idea that I’m wasting time trying to be something I’m not but I’m scared to spend the time discovering who that is and what my purpose is.  We all have a gift and we are meant to share it—that is our purpose on this Earth.  Don’t judge outward appearances, because no matter what people look like, we all have a purpose–just do the work we are meant to do.  I had written some goals earlier in the day and when I went to write about them and to start my study, the universe solidified and confirmed my message by sharing those verses with me.  We are here to share our light, to share our talent and gifts.  Sometimes we have to slow down to recognize what we really want to do and believe that our wants often align with our purpose—we need to follow them.

There are times we all question the validity of it all, the point of it all.  Certain things don’t make sense, we are power hungry and we use our power for personal gain rather than shifting the world so all can benefit.  There are times when our greatest effort yields nothing and we question what we are even doing here.  We can spend years repeating patterns and find ourselves on the precipice of giving up when we have that one moment of clarity.  And there are times we repeat the pattern.  But if we are attuned enough to what we feel then we can learn to turn toward what we really feel inside, and we can remember that we do have a purpose.  Not every day is going to feel good—it isn’t meant to.  Some days we need the lessons.  Some days we need encouragement and others we need to be the cheerleader.  Some days we need to lead and other days we need to retreat.  But each day, each person, each moment has a purpose.  So if we ever struggle to remember what that is for us, then we need to breathe and find a way to reconnect with who we are—because that shows us all we need to know.  We just need to trust it and remember we are here for a reason.

Today I am grateful for not being grateful.  This is not my usual path, and truthfully not something I am going to continue to explore but I know what I am feeling in this moment and it’s something that needs to be shared.  The last 6 weeks, without question, have been some of the most difficult of my life.  On the outside, anyone could easily say that it isn’t that bad, that it’s all ok, that we all go through things like this.  Perhaps I really am emotionally weak and my threshold for pain/sadness is lower than others.  Regardless, I know the weight I’ve been carrying has simply been too much.  Normally I choose to be grateful no matter what—even if it takes me a minute I find my way back to being grateful.  But I’ve had moments over the last few weeks where I’m looking at the patterns in my life, the things I attract, the doors that have been closed, and I am overwhelmed.  The universe tests us by doing nothing at all or having it all happen at once—and right now it is all happening at once.  Dealing with relationship, financial, career, family, health, future planning, life in general.  While I am not unique in dealing with any of this, I have to admit that there are some things we can’t simply push through and pretend are ok.  Sometimes they truly just aren’t ok—and we don’t need to be grateful for that.  We need to understand it and in this moment I understand that there are things I need to do for myself and that we have different decisions to make to move forward.  For that I am grateful.  But I know many of the plates are about to fall down and there isn’t a thing I can do to stop it.  Sometimes, regardless of how we feel or what makes sense, or how hard we try, things simply need to fall.

Today I am grateful for clarity.  I need to work on boundaries and I’ve been scared to do that because I didn’t want to end up alone.  I wanted people to like me so it was easier to shove down what I wanted and my real thoughts than it was to express myself.  I’m grateful for the clarity that there were additional ways I was people pleasing and it’s time to stop it. When we spend our time pleasing others to our own neglect, we end up hurting ourselves and others.  We hurt ourselves because we aren’t expressing our truth and we hurt others because we aren’t able to show up for them fully.  When we are with people and feel that something isn’t right, then we need to acknowledge that rather than try to make ourselves fit the mold.  As I said above, sometimes there are things that simply need to break and no matter how careful we are with them, they will break.  So the clarity I am grateful for isn’t just about the boundaries, it’s about being ok with who we are and showing up as we are.  It’s ok to let those who only want us around because we say yes go.  It’s ok to be the one who walks away.  It’s ok to be clear on our worth and allow the things that need to break away to be mourned, but appreciated for revealing the truth of what’s underneath.

Today I am grateful for the bumps.  Given the course of the last few weeks, and the fact that I’ve learned to be ok with not being grateful for everything, I find myself surprised to say this.  I mentioned the other day that life feels like a cheese grater right now.  Things that are meant to happen flow, things that are meant to come into our lives enter with ease.  And these last few weeks have been a test of resolve in a way that I’ve never experienced.  But I’m grateful for some of these bumps because it’s helping me see what I don’t want.  It’s helping me be ok with shedding and allowing what I don’t need to fall away.  It’s helping me see what I need in my life, and while that isn’t the same as clarity on what I DO want and bringing it in, it’s at least a step toward defining that vision.  It’s helping me be comfortable with allowing things I held onto so tight before, the things I thought I couldn’t live without, go.  It’s terrifying letting go of what used to define us.  At least it is for me.  But I know with 100% certainty that I am not able to control the outcome of these things, and doing so is like trying to hold onto smoke.  Some things we just have to let go because it hurts more to try and keep it than it does to release. 

Today I am grateful for the push.  So the issues I’m facing are no closer to being resolved and on some level I am ok with that.  This isn’t a pity party, this isn’t me crying “Woe is me,”.  Again, I am very well aware that what’s happening is well within the scope of human experience and I am not the first, nor will I be the last to feel this way.  But I do see that this is giving me a push.  As unclear as the direction is, the idea that I am no table to stay where I’m it is 100% clear.  I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that this is pushing toward something else.  I have to trust it as much as I DON’T trust it.  So, I talk a lot about this leap and that isn’t the issue.  The issue is letting go of what I know in favor of the void.  It’s not like, “Oh, I’m jumping in and going to take my chance,” it’s, “I can’t even see the pool and I have no clue if there’s even water down there.”  But we have no choice but to leap or stay.  It’s a choice we make.

Today I am grateful for the pause.  I understand with the utmost clarity that I have been pushing too hard in nearly every aspect of my life.  I’ve always been afraid that if I don’t push then nothing will happen.  If I don’t work incessantly that I won’t get what I want.  It’s always been a game of proving, something deeply rooted in me since I was a child.  There was no such thing as inherent worth—and while it wasn’t so cutting as to SAY you weren’t worthy, it was always pointed out that someone was doing it better.  There was always the question of, “You think you can do that?  I could never do that,” or even the outright, “You think you’re enough for him?”.  All of those questions, fears I already wrestled with myself, were the realization of those things I already felt inside.  So I picked up and did all I could, did it for people, did it better than most, hid the praise, felt shame over what I accomplished, and proceeded to do more and more so I would be justified in what I got.  But the message the universe received was that I wasn’t good enough and I would always have to work harder than anyone, that I needed more approval from everyone in order to be worthy.  And it drowned me.  The problem with doing more is that there is always more to do.  So now I pause, and I practice allowing the thoughts to come to me so I can recognize what is for me.

Today I am grateful for the rain.  It’s pouring as I type this, and as I think about the pause, I realize that the weather is indicative of what I’m feeling.  Right now it’s a time for nourishing and growth, to sit inside and heal, to cleanse, to release.  I have choices to make, and I am blessed to have the ability to make those choices, to have the options I do.  It’s time to stop choosing them all, and rest assured that I don’t have to do it all to be worthy of what I want.  I can recharge, and restore, and enjoy more. I can have fun.  So I am grateful for this little reminder to find peace inside, and it’s ok to retreat for the moment.  But tomorrow we stand and face the sun again—and if it’s still dark, we create our own light.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.  

Worries can’t add a single moment to your life.  If worry can’t do the little things, then it certainly can’t do the big things.  So relax, trust, focus, and follow through.  The mind is incredibly powerful, yet left unattended, it will bring us to places that serve no purpose for us. It can bring us to places that will stop us in our tracks or distract us from staying on the right track.  The mind will turn to worry in times of uncertainty, yes, as a primitive response, but we are able to discern what truly is a worry in this day and age.  We can decide what is a threat and what isn’t because the threats aren’t the same as they were before.  Our job is to train our minds to focus on what is important in the moment.  To make decisions based on what we know where we are with what is happening.  We also have the gift of foresight and intention and we can direct our thoughts and energy where we want to go.

Knowing that we have the power of discernment, we can decide what is good or bad for us.  What creates needless worry and what is productive energy.  So many of us act from a place of caution and trying to make sure things turn out exactly as we plan because we expect a certain result.  This is control and the universe does not respond to control.  It responds to flow.  The natural instinct is to want to fix and make things happen and sometimes we aren’t able to do that.  Sometimes we have to move onto something else and allow things to take their natural course in life.  All we can do is flip all the puzzle pieces over so we can see what we are working with, trust they are all there, trust they will all fall into place—more importantly that they all fit so they CAN fall into place. 

Once we learn to accept that there are times that things don’t make sense in the process of it, we can accept that they always come together how they are supposed to.  We need to do our part and allow the rest to play their part as well.  Worry is an unproductive waste of time and creates unnecessary stress.  Things are destined to be a certain way and they will happen no matter what we do.  So instead of working on changing the course of something beyond our control, work on aligning with and understanding the flow.  Learning the twists and turns, anticipating the shifts in speed and course.  As a person with control issues myself, I know how difficult this is.  But the truth is we can’t alter anything anyone else does.  We can’t stop the inevitable.  So learn to dance in the uncertainty and trust that all will come to be as it is meant to.        

“You are going to fail.  That is not a negative thing.  Learn from what you did and if you fail again at least you are one step closer to getting it right,” unknown.  This wasn’t attributed to anyone, it was just on my calendar but I loved the quote.  Unless we sit in that pristine box for our entire lives, failure is inevitable at some point.  We have this concept that failure is a bad thing that is one of the hardest hurdles to get over.  No one likes to fail. No one likes to be seen struggling.  There are very real reasons for that still sitting in our reptilian brain, the survival mechanisms that tell us we are going to die if we are exposed, that one mistake can mean we are eaten alive.  Shifting from the idea that a mistake can kill us to a mistake isn’t the end of the world is hard.  And don’t get me wrong, I understand very clearly there are certain mistakes we can make today that are still going to kill us. So the shift needs to happen in discerning the importance of the failure and the risk.  Those situations that have potential harm need to be reconsidered while those that are merely embarrassing aren’t so important.

As I said, unless we spend our lives in a box we are going to fail at some point.  It doesn’t mean it’s fun to fail.  It means we are human.  It’s part of our process.  We are meant to give into the things that call to us because they lead us to our purpose and passion.  That doesn’t mean it will all be smooth sailing.  No, there will always be some rough seas because we need to learn to navigate the waters of our lives.  When things are too smooth we only know how to drive when it’s perfect.  The weather can change at any time and we need to know how to adapt.  Something I never wanted to admit was that my life was pretty smooth because I was afraid to take chances on the things I really wanted to do.  I never thought I would succeed at any of it.  I never learned how to navigate disappointment because I went for what I knew I could do.  Not that I didn’t enjoy those things, but the things that really lit me up often took a back burner because I was afraid to admit I wanted it or I was afraid I couldn’t get it.  I thought failure meant fail forever, not learn and try again.