“It’s better to go down in fiery failure because you chased your loftiest ambitions than to spend your best hours watching TV in some subdivision,” Robin Sharma. This one is one of my favorites. Don’t live the same day over for 85 years and call it a life—we may have been alive but that doesn’t mean we lived. It’s up to us to make it an adventure and go after the biggest dreams we can muster. JR Ridinger says that we will only ever be as big as our dreams. So the question is why would we limit ourselves? At least if we shoot for something bigger than ourselves we are going to get further than if we stayed in one spot constantly distracted by the world, our fears, or any of the other guilty pleasures we can think of. But the more we try, the better we feel because we learn what we are capable of. We will never have the pain of asking what if, if we simply go for it. Because there is the other side of what if: What if I succeed? What if I am able to help others? What if I am worthy? What if this idea is really good? What if that person really does love me? What if trusted again? What if taking that leap is going to change my entire life?
We will never know what we are capable of if we live in distraction and numb out. That’s easy and it’s all part of the greater plan to keep us unhealthy and reliant on broken systems. I digress. But the truth of the point remains the same: if we don’t do anything we will never get anything. We all have fears of failure and that we will never be able to recover from a mistake. We are taught that failure is bad and that we need to avoid it. We rarely examine the idea that failure is what can get us where we need to. It can teach us who is really there for us. it can teach us that we are able to do more than we think we can. It teaches us that living isn’t about being perfect and that we can survive and even go so far as to thrive in creating the life we want. Even if we don’t get what we think we want, we certainly will get what we need when we decide to put aside the fear and go after what calls us. At least in going after it we have a chance of attaining what we want rather than sitting there. If we never take action we will never get a result—there will be no chance of getting what we want if we do nothing. So don’t give into distraction. Take the chance and do the damn thing.
“Never give in…in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense,” Winston Churchill. This quote came in a different time with a different context but it is so important to break this down and understand it and integrate it. This was said in a time when fighting for what we believed and what was right was considered noble and frankly, even a responsibility. A duty. People were expected to pick a side and to stick with it. To fight and defend their choices. Time was also slower then because we didn’t have the immediate sharing of unfiltered information. We also didn’t have the same filtering of media that we do today. Things were more based in fact than performative. We still see the willingness to fight for beliefs as a general behavior today but it has been diluted down to people’s opinions and their egos. We are incensed over getting offended but we fail to defend those in physical need or facing harm. Conviction takes on a different meaning when referring to human rights versus human opinion.
I won’t go down the morality path in this piece but it does have a lot to do with it. We have compromised our beliefs in favor of instant gratification and numbing and distraction. The people who have strong convictions seem to be morally bankrupt in many cases, making choices for others in an attempt to control the situation or the person themselves. The thing is this: when we are better able to make decisions through a bigger view we understand the moral aspect better. In making the world bigger and forming new ways to connect with people, we seem to have lost touch with our humanity. Interacting through screens has diminished our ability to relate to each other in spite of communicating with each other. In order to operate with conviction, honor, and sense, we need to reinstate the ability to authentically, and accurately relate to people. We need to be able to discern what is real versus curated. To be clear, I am not insinuating correct moral decisions were made during Churchill’s time. My intent is to express that people picked a side based on the collective, whether right or wrong, they made a choice based on others. We have lost much of that ability today.
In spite of how that behavior has shifted, I still have hope that people find belief and value in more than just themselves. I hope that people have things they want to have conviction for. I hope that people can still draw the line in the sand and say that there are things they are willing to fight for outside of the latest IG filter scandal. In a time where making a decision is often complicated by human interference, I hope that we maintain good sense and choose to do the right thing. Sometimes beliefs can create another set of issues, but I will encourage ideas to no end. When we have ideas we have possibility. We have excitement and curiosity. And as we dabble with that, we can learn what works and what doesn’t and we can see the impact on others. So when we discover what it is that makes us tick and what keeps us going, the driver, then we must stick with that and do what we can to develop it. We must be the person we say we are and back it up. Don’t let it go.
Today I am grateful for my body. Over the last six weeks I have worked extraordinarily hard on my body, my overall health, my strength, and my perseverance. I have lost nearly 23 pounds and I feel fantastic. I feel the way I used to move again. The pain is gone. Beyond that I feel connected to myself again. I remember what it feels like to feel sexy, confident, wanted, in control. There really is something to be said about the discipline of self care. While it may feel difficult at first, with time we see it is really the most freeing way to live. When we practice self-care and health care consistently, we understand our bodies and minds better and we are better able to identify issues before they really start. We are able to apply ourselves better. I am so grateful to feel the weight of my body as it sits here, as I lay in bed, as I walk the Earth, because that weight doesn’t feel oppressive anymore. When we reconcile the mind with the body, we aren’t carrying any excess. We are present, we are collected, we are together. And we feel good. It feels good to feel good again. To feel my skin and not want to climb out of it. To be me.
Today I am grateful for discomfort. There has been a lot of discomfort lately. Changes, waiting, everything and nothing all at once, opinion, decisions, progress, delays. I am grateful for the discomfort because it means that I’m moving. For too long I’ve been standing still and it is nice to make progressive momentum rather than just movement. The climb doesn’t feel as arduous and it certainly isn’t as cumbersome as the decisions become clearer—the discomfort is better than the comfort of no movement at all. I can’t blind myself to the things I didn’t want to see or feel. I can’t pause this time in hopes that it all goes away or that I figure out some way to avoid it. I am grateful because I am fortunate enough to be able to make progress with the things I want to do. Now I work on instilling the belief in my movement.
Today I am grateful to release. Who I was isn’t the person who can handle where I’m at now. Who I was wasn’t able to shut out the noise, to put away the opinion of others. Who I was wasn’t able to love herself fully because she thought that had to come from someone else. In the blink of an eye I realized that I needed to be who I am and not who I used to be. There is a feeling of complete release when we simply accept. We don’t need to wallow in pain that we create or in pain that was handed to us. We are able to let it all go and redefine ourselves. We are allowed to become the best versions of ourselves, to love ourselves, and to apply our talents and gifts to the world to make it a better place. We can lovingly accept who we were and be grateful to that version of ourselves for getting us where we are today—and we can also decide that we still need to put that aside and become something else. One decision doesn’t have to determine everything even though it is often one choice that sets the ball rolling and creates a moment that we can’t look back on. But that doesn’t have to be a scary thing. It can be an awakening, an allowing, and a becoming. I look back at the winter of my life and I am still pained and saddened at times. But out of that winter comes this spring, and it is in full bloom.
Today I am grateful for forgiveness. I have a lot of things that I needed to come to terms with as far as forgiveness. The stories told, the things I’ve felt, the things I’ve witnessed, the things that have been done to me, the false beliefs, the inherited fears, the lack of self-belief bound up in a firestorm of constant motion. While the responsibility for our position in life will always lie with us, there are always outside influences and they have an impact on how we feel and how we make our decisions. In the process of forgiveness we learn to understand that people are the sum of what has happened in their lives and their environment and then we learn that no matter what has happened they are ultimately responsible for their decisions. And so are we. We can accept that we are all flawed and we can make the choice to not tolerate it. We can say we understand why a person behaved as they did and we can say that it wasn’t ok. There is loving kindness in that act—and love for ourselves as we decide who and what we allow into our lives. We can forgive ourselves for not allowing what we deserve into our lives. And I am working on that a bit more every day. Learning to forgive myself allows me to forgive others—and it allows me to keep the boundaries, to let go of co-dependence. So I forgive.
Today I am grateful for the promise that the work will show us what we need it to. The more I put my effort into the projects that I have going, the more I see results. The more that I become clear on the action and what I want to do, the closer I get to the goal. The clearer the goal gets. It isn’t about the work necessarily, and it isn’t about the result. It’s about the impact. We become different people when we put in the work for the sake of doing good, for the sake of creativity, for the sake of curiosity. We learn and we develop and we grow and we help others. The whole point of this world is to be able to share our gifts, to make things better. The money and material things will all go away eventually. We certainly can’t take it with us when we die. But what is left behind is a legacy, a memory of who we are and what we did that has the potential to ripple through time. We have some thing like 4,000 great-great-great relatives, without whom we wouldn’t be here. There are stories we will never hear, yet each one of them is entwined in who we are—I want my story to be shared with the world, I want it to be felt because I know that we are not alone. I know that we are all doing what we can to bring our best selves to the world and to feel our best. Know that what we do makes a difference. That impact is felt deeply in the energy of the word. Do good work and the world returns that good.
“Success isn’t about the right decision, it’s about a decision,” Robin Sharma. This is probably my favorite quote in the entire book. I wrote a few weeks ago about the quote I heard from Baby Reindeer about people running away—how some run away by packing their bags and how some run away by staying in the same place too long. Making a decision, especially a complex one with lots of possible outcomes, impact, repercussions, etc. is never straightforward. But do we hold ourselves back with either form of avoidance? The human brain is designed to compartmentalize and break down the odds so we can analyze the outcome and make a choice and then move forward. But we are complex and layered social creatures and we fear how we will be perceived and we also fear what people perceive as success and/or failure. When we are in that state, it’s a type of analysis paralysis that most of us are familiar with. Sharma’s quote suggests that in that moment we simply need to make a decision—and doing nothing is a decision as well. We can choose to allow our lives to be dictated for us or we can decide.
One irony I noticed with decisions, especially as we get more comfortable making them, is that we put more pressure on ourselves with the simpler things. We overcomplicate everything in the beginning because we are trying to see every possible outcome, but as we dig further in, the complexity rises with the simplicity of the decision. It’s amazing how those simple things can impact everything. Choosing to go for it can be the difference between becoming a millionaire and struggling for live. Going on that date can lead to a wonderful relationship or a period of frustration. Sometimes the decision will impact other people as well, like whether or not they get to keep their jobs. None of this is said to deter us from making choices, rather this is another way in which making those choices can be difficult. Still not a reason to not make a choice. No matter what, it won’t be perfect so the only way we can get through it is to do it—simply walk in and learn the way as we go.
Making decisions is easier when we have the right motivation. I’ve learned in this study of leadership that sometimes it isn’t about the result. We talk in terms of learning on the journey (it isn’t the destination, it’s the journey) and this is a good lesson in that. For example, the goal really wasn’t about making millions of dollars, it was about providing value to others. The best decisions we can make will provide that kind of impact for others. Positive, offering options, solving problems are all things we need and if we are able to do that then the rest comes. If we make the goal about money then we will always be chasing money. But if we decide to fulfill a purpose, we get to help people and the money will naturally come. It’s about deciding what we can offer and choosing to do the best we can with it at all times. If we want to say that success is based on the right decision, let it be based on how we feel and what felt right to us, to fulfill our purpose. When we stop avoiding a decision and commit, the work can get done. Then we repeat and suddenly we are on our way and success is guaranteed no matter what it looks like in the end.
“Shift from chaotic complexity to elegant simplicity. Why be brilliantly busy around useless pursuits?” Robin Sharma. We vacillate between extreme business and boredom, looking for things to distract us. When we find something that sounds right suddenly we put our foot on the gas. We over complicate and start and stop, create our own obstacles and then wonder why all the movement we made has only gotten us right back to where we started. A huge societal issue I see is the constant need to prove ourselves. The constant, inherent set up toward competition. This makes us feel like we always have to be doing something others will deem “worthwhile.” We always need to seem busy and we have to compare how busy we are. We make it difficult to breathe and connect with what we really need, what we are really looking for in the preoccupation with proving our worth. If proving our worth is our main goal, then we will spend our time doing nothing more than finding people to prove ourselves to.
When we really start to evaluate where we are at and where we want to go, we have to get in touch with ourselves at the deepest level. We need to evaluate what feels right and what is important to us because that is going to tell us our driving purpose, what makes the most sense to us. At the most basic level we need to value our time enough to make decisions that provide the best results that make sense to us. When we exist in the distraction I mentioned above, we waste time and energy on things that have no value to us. There is no point climbing a mountain only to realize it was the wrong one. Great, we made it to the top but we don’t have the view we were looking for. Sure we learned a few things but we can’t get to where we wanted to go. In the effort of proving we could, we ended up settling even though we expended all that energy. Sharma says on that topic, “Don’t major in the minors.” The things that are irrelevant in the long run tend to take up too much of our time so we need to shift our focus on the things that will make the most impact.
Making the shift to simplicity makes things easier in that they are clear. Simplicity doesn’t mean easy—there is still a great deal of work when it comes to achieving goals. It just takes away the unnecessary and focuses on the result producing things that need to be done. We are trained to think we are progressing when we are merely moving and shifting things around and staying busy but until we make a focused effort, it has been nothing but movement. Look at the ways we keep ourselves busy and distracted in life. Look at the ways we clutter our homes, our bodies, our minds. We carry the weight of those who came before us, their ideas, their pursuits, their pressures in a world that no longer supports those things. We struggle to keep up in a world that will always move faster than we can because we are connected 24/7 now. We have to find our own rhythm in between the two. Don’t focus on the things that aren’t going to move us toward the best of who we are and what we want. Use our time as best as we can.
“Complacency has now become the primary enemy of victory,” Robin Sharma. Just as we need a successful mindset to be successful, if we have a weak mind, we will achieve weak results. All kinds of distractions exist today, more than in any time before. We are also highly focused on the definition of success as it relates to consuming goods and material possessions so we easily confuse our ability to do something with our refusal to do something. It’s easy to blame the distractions as if they have some hold over us. It’s also easy to play it weakly, non-committal so that way we don’t really get attached. We also won’t get what we really want if we go that route. The universe can’t deliver on half-wishes, half-commitment, half-expressed ideas. We can’t be complacent with what we want. If we act like it doesn’t matter if we get the result we are after, then the universe will treat it like it doesn’t matter. For the things that truly matter to us we need to decide that we are going for it. If we spend our lives testing the waters we will never experience the sail. We can’t be half-committed to our lives—make it count.
“All the fears that are chaining your progress as a leader are nothing more than the lies you’ve sold yourself. Stop investing in them! Because life’s just too big to play small,” Robin Sharma. Following up on how we spend our energy is the way in which we direct that energy as well. I want to reiterate the following because we have to hear things seven times in seven different ways to make them stick: the brain is a powerful thing. It can tell us tales of grandeur, tales of devastation. It can push us forward and it can stop us in our tracks. It’s an escape but also a cage if we let it. Over the last few weeks we’ve been talking about leadership, learning about oneself, eliminating fear, making the choice to move forward, and doing the work. In a nutshell this is all about managing the brain. Where we put our thoughts and energy is what we get. It’s what we believe, it’s what we feel. We can change that. We stop ourselves from achieving greatness when we seek comfort. Right now I feel distracted like I should be doing something else, but I’m trying to force myself to work through it because I truly have no reason to not focus on my work. It’s a subconscious fear that I won’t be successful that allows me to call it quit in the evening. Or tries to hurriedly type out a few lines every morning. If I truly believed I could succeed in supporting myself this way I would have my days mapped out and I wouldn’t deviate from the schedule I set for myself. It’s fear that I won’t achieve the goal so I sabotage myself before I can even start.
I feel the life I want more than I can actually describe it. I mean I know and am familiar with the sensation of what I’m looking to feel with my career, my home, my husband. I’m not sure what particular action or thing will help me feel that way forever, what will make those feelings simply a state of being for me. So I wait for someone to offer me something that would make me feel those things. And it never tastes as real as what I’m envisioning. It always falls short, sours early. It’s not like I don’t work hard on a daily basis so I’m not quite sure why I don’t think I could sustain myself with my business, why I feel that work is too different. Maybe I’m working under preconceived notions as well: that if I enjoy the work it will fall apart. That if I enjoy the work it won’t support me. That work that’s fun is just a hobby. And the even bigger fear is that people won’t believe in what I do. That no one wants to hear it, that no one really believes it, that it’s too much money, that I’m a fraud somehow. When it comes to fears and not investing in them, we have to get to the root otherwise there will be something someday that triggers it and we will be right back where we were. I know a lot of my fear is that I don’t want to let people down if I fail—which is ironic because I’ve already failed thousands of times at different things. My life was contingent on praise for a job well done, for getting things perfect so it’s built in me that I need to be perfect in order to try something. I’ve seen imperfect things succeed repeatedly so I don’t know why I feel that either.
The root comes from things that may or may not be ours. A childhood trauma, a memory. Simply a false belief or a sense of insecurity. We need to at least believe in ourselves enough to try and we need to remember that leadership also refers to leading ourselves. Not everyone sets out to lead a group of people, sometimes we just need to lead ourselves. That in itself establishes confidence. Walking away from what prevents us from living our fullest lives is tricky—and it’s even trickier in that we can’t walk away from ourselves when we see we are holding ourselves back. We have to manage our energy and we need to firmly have grace and flexibility with ourselves. We don’t grow by doing small things and every obstacle we create keeps us further from our dreams and our fullest potential. Poor environment, poor mindset, and fear are all killers of what we know we can do, or what we know we want to do. Just because someone once told us that we couldn’t be successful doesn’t mean that we will always be that way. Even if we were the ones saying it—especially if we were the ones saying it. Shifting mindset is the first step toward becoming successful. Believing in it is the next one. Then fearless, bold action is the next after that. The only thing stopping us is ourselves and we can only ever be as successful as we think we can be. Release the old thought patterns and become who we are meant to be. Lead ourselves and lead others toward success as well—when we do well, we all do well.
“Put the hard work in. Though it may take time and energy, the fruit that comes from it is always so much better,” not attributed to anyone. The quote was on my calendar but it doesn’t need to have an author—it’s valid in its simplicity. One thing that is abundantly clear regardless of the goal, that goal will require work. It requires sacrifice. It’s been said that the cost of a new life is your old one. We are not able to create new or live in a new way if we continue the old habits. We can’t expect life to happen to us. At least not the life we want. We need to participate and help steer the course. We also often mistake that work is hard, rather that it must be hard to be worthwhile or productive. Work is meant to produce results, that doesn’t mean it needs to be difficult. Can it be? Will it be at times? Yes on both counts. But the work we are meant to do is always worth it. It always costs something to get something, that doesn’t mean it’s too much.
I’ve lived life with a certain amount of ambivalence. I wasn’t always taught that I could have what I wanted but I was born with a sense that it was true. I came from entrepreneurs and hard working people who managed to shape their lives as they saw fit. I knew it could be done. I just never applied those lessons to myself. Not that I didn’t work hard—far from it—I just didn’t know how to work hard on my own ventures. We have a finite amount of time that no one knows how long it is, so now that I’m 40, I’m realizing how silly it is to spend our energy on anything other than what we love or on things that really interest us, things we can make an impact with. Even just on things we enjoy. I watch the kids in this neighborhood, my own son as well, and how they live with this absolute sense of freedom, joy, and trust. I remember feeling that—no worry about time, just living in the moment. And then we start teaching fear, instilling fear into ourselves. Believing that if we don’t achieve certain things that this life somehow wasn’t worth living. The truth is my friends, that we all end up in the same place at the end. No one gets out alive.
It may be scary to direct our energy how we want to, it may be risky at times (or feel that way) to take charge of what we do, to work against what we are told is the standard. But I truly think it’s scarier to spend my energy doing things that I don’t love. I want to sing, dance, swing with my son. I want to cook, and strengthen my body. I want to live each day to the fullest instead of waiting for someone to make a decision on my life. We can’t make people feel or behave how we want them to. We can’t live our lives for someone else. We all have work to do on this Earth—I want to make sure it’s the work that I’m meant to do. Why not feel joy in work? Why does it have to be a chore? What an amazing gift to share our gifts with people. Making our lives a little better by making other people a little better. I don’t need permission to do that—none of us do. As long as we do what feels right then nothing can stop us. Doing the work will yield a result. The energy we put toward that work is up to us. I choose to tip the scales toward what I love.
Last week I talked about being alone in the house. I never realized how loud the quiet is. I’ve never felt the weight of someone’s absence in that way. I’ve never noticed the weight of the person’s presence in their absence either. So often I wanted time alone—like entirely alone. I wanted to breathe without worrying about someone interrupting me. I wanted to relish in the things I wanted to do. I wanted to be able to sleep how I wanted to and to not have to wake up 3 hours before everyone in order to work on the things I enjoy. I couldn’t get through a day without a million thoughts interrupting me let alone the people who actually interrupted as well. Or a plan going awry because someone was at my house after a 10 hour day and 2 hours of commuting. My frustration built and built and that’s when it became resentment. When I couldn’t even get a thought out. When I started locking my door just so I could shower. When I sat in the car a few extra minutes after I got home. When I noticed that my husband didn’t even want to talk to me and would spend his time on Tik Tok or with our friends instead of me—like he could have a full conversation and support them but he didn’t have the time for me—always brushing things off.
So I needed space desperately just to separate my thoughts because I could feel everything crashing down and no one wanted to address it—they didn’t want it to fall but didn’t want to deal with it, content to let me hold it all up. I needed space to hear the thoughts and differentiate what was mine and what wasn’t. I needed time to disconnect from people and time to stop taking them for granted and to stop allowing myself to be taken for granted. But when we finally get that silence, it hits like a ton of bricks. The silence means something else when those people suddenly leave. I’ve often heard that silence can be deafening. I’ve experienced that myself, waiting for people to tell me what I needed to hear only to get an answer that I decidedly didn’t want. I’ve felt the weight infiltrate the silence where something was conveyed with no words at all, the weight of waiting. Sometimes we don’t know what the people around us contribute to our lives until they are gone. Sometimes we don’t know how they hinder us until they are gone. Sometimes we don’t see what we’ve done until the noise is gone. Sometimes we don’t see what we’ve been trying to really drown out until we get rid of the extra noise. We have nothing to face but ourselves when it comes to the silence—and that can be a tricky thing to navigate.
The silence shows us who we are. It’s the clearest mirror we can hope for, certainly the most honest as long as we can distinguish the truth. In that time we may learn that the things that drive us nuts about those closest to us come from a good place. Or that they don’t know what they’ve done because they don’t understand it the way you do. Or that they really are doing their best. We may also see that they are fully aware of what they’ve done and that it’s up to us to decide what we will tolerate. We may see that it’s us who has created the monster. Or we see the monster we’ve become. And the version of us that needs to heal and be released. I’ve run the gamut of all of that in my time alone. Truth be told, I could probably use even more. It’s made me more aware of what people need and what they are going through. It’s made my own needs clearer. What I thought I wanted isn’t exactly what I needed. I’ve learned that when I hoped I could have silence what I really hoped for was the ability to cope. I needed to know who I was and to understand what I am capable of. I couldn’t do that codependently anymore. I’ve learned that I need to stick with my boundaries and it is going to mean pissing some people off. It means that there are parts of me from 23 years ago that no longer exist and that I need to let them go. It also means that I need to make space for who I am now and that may mean letting go of what used to give me comfort, people included. There is no anger in it, just an acceptance of fact. Silence doesn’t have to be scary if we welcome it. Welcome what comes with it. In silence we may just hear exactly what we need.
Today I am grateful for confession. I’m not talking in the religious sense but I am talking about sharing something with the hope of absolving a feeling. I’ve been feeling a certain way toward several people for a while now and I’ve been upset because they aren’t responding to my signs to essentially keep away for the time being. I found myself super annoyed that they were always around in spite of my behavior. I got even more annoyed that they would then seek out my husband so I wasn’t even able to discuss much needed things with him either. I finally was able to pull a few of them aside and explain what was going on. In discussion I things started piecing together in my mind. I was hurt because I wasn’t being respected but I was also hurt because there was a different kind of bond I saw developing that I was losing with my husband. And he wanted nothing to do with trying to repair it with me. I wouldn’t have realized that if I didn’t start to confront the issue with other people being around. I was able to express my jealousy as well as the deeper need I had in my relationship. Truthfully nothing has been done on either side (I’ll get to that next) but it still felt good to get it out there.
Today I am grateful for time alone. I refuse to use the cliché that absence makes the heart grow fonder because I feel like it’s trash. But I will say that time alone offers space for a lot of things. Appreciation for what’s gone. Appreciation that it was there. Appreciation for what we want. It makes space for clarity of what the heart wants, what makes it beat. Solitude isn’t an easy thing. I think this time alone has made me appreciate the challenge of doing it all alone. There are times I’ve felt like I had to do things alone and I ended up making myself the victim. But having to truly do it alone is another story. It doesn’t feel weak in this aloneness. It feels strong. It feels reassuring that there are things I can do on my own that I previously thought I couldn’t. I am strong enough to do it. I can be strong enough to make the choice and do that too.
Today I am grateful to make peace with silence. In the beginning of this time alone, the silence scared me. It was too quiet. The irony is I had been asking for quiet for a long time—and it was a moment of be careful what you wish for. Not just the physical surroundings but the heaviness of everything being on me, every thought, uninterrupted time. Sometimes silence can be a dangerous thing for people with a brain like mine—always active, slightly compulsive, definitely obsessive, creative with destructive tendencies. The silence needed to break me down, though. I needed to make peace with the ticking of my heart. I would think each beat was a second gone, unsure where to go, desperately trying to cling to something to find meaning—that was even before this time alone. Wasted time scares me, and I wanted this time apart to be worth it. So I had to make peace with that quiet. Let my heart set the rhythm instead of the chaos of my mind. It’s ok because we are here and now and that is all we have. Breathe. Let the heart tick. Let that beautiful noise fill the silence and appreciate it. We need it to. When all goes completely silent it’s over, so be grateful for each beat. Let the silence tell you what your mind cannot. The mind lies—the silence does not.
Today I am grateful to slow down. I’ve had to slow down this past week. I’ve had to find what needed to be done and simply focus on that in the moment. All we have is that moment. We may feel like we have everything that we’ve done and the moments that lie ahead but the truth is we are all one and we are that moment perpetually. It’s not really gone and it will never really be here. All that is, is what is here right now. My creativity, my mind in general, my ADD is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I constantly have ideas running through my mind—a curse because I can’t always act on all of them and I struggle to get them out of my mind and also because my mind lies a lot. In slowing down, I’ve been able to focus on finding what really works for mem the right thing to do for me. How I spend my time, what’s important, and to develop a sense that I am able to go after whatever I want. We may not be able to do all the things and we certainly can’t do them all at once. But we can put all we have into the thing that makes the most sense to us in the moment, the thing that calls to us. So slow down and find that rhythm we talked about in the silence and move forward.
Today I am grateful for progress. Changing our mindset and our lifestyles is not an easy thing to do. Understanding the responsibility and taking accountability is a tough decision as I mentioned above. But when we choose that life and continue to choose it every day then that is something. That’s all we need to do. Make one choice at a time and make sure we stick with it. That involved being comfortable in my own skin and working on me. We don’t miraculously develop issues overnight (like issues with weight, smoking, drinking, codependency). All of those things start off innocently enough—one more bite, one more cigarette, one more drink, I just want to know what he’s doing/I have to check with him first. Then they can quickly turn into something more. Breaking those habits is never easy and the process of change can be ugly. But it’s important to continue on the path to change no matter what we do. We can either work toward the changes we want or work on accepting who we are. I am grateful for the progress I have made and I am proud. Choosing me every day has made me more able to help other people versus the selfishness I felt when I did everything for everyone. The latter made me a martyr and hungry for attention. The former makes it so I feel comfortable and confident contributing what I can. I am grateful for progress in accepting who I am.
Today I am grateful for taking the steps necessary to get out of my comfort zone and push me toward a new way of living. I took my personal business to a local market yesterday and it was an incredible experience. It’s different being on the other side of the table, offering a product or service. I learned a lot. It requires a different level of comfort and confidence in self in order to sell. It was fun to set up my booth and to speak with people about something that can help them. I loved putting all the pieces together in a way that made sense to show off the stuff. It was fun to learn how to make new connections and watch how others sell their business. It was great to speak with some really nice people both on the customer and professional side. It was awesome to make a sale. I’ve made sales before and it always feels amazing but it was something really cool to offer someone a sample, have them step away and then come back to get the product. You never know how something will go until you try it and it was definitely something necessary to advance where I’m at and what I’m doing. I’m grateful for that chance.
The Intentional Dreamer 