Today I am grateful for witnessing healing.  Last night we went to my in-laws to celebrate Christmas and for the first time in a long time there was absolutely 0 BS from anyone.  There was no awkwardness or trepidation.  There is always room for change, healing, and communication.  It also showed me that we need to make a much more concentrated effort on how we spend our time.  I can’t keep piling more and more work on in the hopes that something will take off—I need to focus on presences and working with those around me and making sure the relationships with those I love are solid.  Making sure that those I love KNOW I love them.  Seeing the rifts heal over time and how we can find ourselves back together is a magical thing and if we can do that in one context we can certainly do it anywhere.  We just need concentrated effort and time.  Healing doesn’t always look like we think it will.  Sometimes it’s a matter of just letting it all go and moving forward—enjoying what we have and not living in a state that doesn’t exist anymore.  Sometimes it’s seeing the love that still exists in spite of anything that has happened.  Sometimes we have to get beyond the anger we feel in order to heal what is really lying underneath.  It’s seeing the understanding we are all on the same page.   

Today I am grateful for witnessing and experiencing family joy from another side.  I feel like such a child in so many ways sometimes, still wanting my parents to fix things, still feeling like I need them to fix things.  It isn’t something I feel all the time but it comes up when I’m in their presence, like I’m not sure who I am or what I’m allowed to do.  I remember my parents seeming to know exactly who they are and what they wanted, the same for my friend’s parents.  Being the age they were back then now feels like a dream, a surreal paradox of altered reality.  When you get stuck in your head sometimes you think your way is the only way or the things you know are how everyone knows.  It’s nice to have a reminder and a means to get out of our own heads where we see that there are alternatives to how we live and that it’s ok to do things differently.  It’s also nice to see that no one has it all together so the belief that we always feel like children and have no idea what we’re doing seems to be pretty much universal. I don’t think there is ever a point where people truly feel like they have a hold on everything.  Some may be better than others but we seem to do a lot of questioning our reality—and it made me feel better because I felt less like I was floating in space on my own.  It’s a human experience.  

Today I am grateful for not having to say anything.  I’ve been having a minor crisis of faith lately for a lot of reasons.  Changes, the time of year, confusion about what’s next, the imbalance of energy and power, the rug kind of being pulled out from under me in a lot of ways, reminders of time and the things I have to do, feeling lost in general.  I’ve been fighting my faith and my fear and feeling a lot like I’m on my own, screaming in a crowded room and no one listens.  Perhaps that’s a bit martyr like or even a bit “poor-me” but I can’t think of a way to explain the general melancholy and sadness.  I haven’t felt supported or much connection to source and I’ve been SO angry.  So hurt that things have started to fall apart for what seems like no reason.  There are circumstances that have always bothered me but when I look at the logic of it, even if it still irks me, I understand it.  Lately there seems to be no rhyme or reason to anything.  In spite of all that, I can’t help but admit that I’ve still been asking for signs and help even if I’ve been so angry I’ve claimed hatred to source.  It seems that the request was heard on some level.  I thought I would have to have a very difficult conversation this morning and out of left field, the very thing I needed to discuss (and was terrified to do) was brought up and the conversation was beautiful.  I hate that we’ve gone through what we have to get to this point but I would be remiss to say that miracles still happen.  Even when we least expect them.

Today I am grateful for bottom. To be honest that’s not entirely true.  I hate the bottom.  I hate the fall to the bottom, the feeling of being so out of control that there’s nothing we could do to stop it.  I hate the struggle to the top only to have it all seem like nothing as we hit the ground.  But the thing about bottom is it gets pretty clear.  Sometimes the truth is painful—and perhaps it isn’t so much that the truth is painful, it’s the loss of everything we’ve created to avoid the truth that’s painful.  It’s the misalignment of what we thought and hoped, what we remembered held against a reality that doesn’t match.  The mind is amazing at creating these realities for us, these places we convince ourselves exist—and the truth is if we can see them and feel them in our minds, how do they NOT exist?  Can anyone say that they aren’t real?  Regardless, when we lose what we thought we saw, what we thought we knew, and what we certainly thought we felt, it can feel like getting slapped in the face.  When we live in reality, when we learn to accept what is, we can see what we need to change.  Sometimes it takes getting to the bottom of it to know who we are and to understand what we want.  It takes being at the bottom to see a new way to the top and to fully comprehend that different means and viewpoints open different doors, we see a different life, we have different problems/views/possibilities.  And it’s ALL possible depending on what we see.  So don’t be afraid of the bottom.  It just might be the very best place to start.     

Today I am grateful for reminders of perception.  A follow up to my point above is the idea that we create this idea of what we think things are.  We think we know what people thought and felt and what it seemed like based on the stories we’ve been told.  Like we hold up these mythical versions of people and thinking they behaved any differently than we do.  The fact that they were human and, in fact, quite like us seems to escape us.  They were all trying to survive in their own way as well.  Just because they spoke differently, they were all saying the same thing and trying to find themselves the same way we do.  It’s important to get to the reality of who and what we really are.  When we are honest with ourselves, we unlock an entirely new world. The world would be a wonderful place without hiding these pieces of who we are.  The more we normalize who we are and accepting all those facets of what we are without worrying about hiding in what other people tell us we need to do or who we need to be, we can recognize the similarities in all our humanity.  There is no reason to hold anyone up on a pedestal or defer our power to them.  We just need to tell a different story.  Be honest and let the path unfold before us.   

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“How to heal: feel the thing you have an impulse to turn away from until the simplicity of being you is a reward unto itself,” Cory Muscara.  The urge to run away from pain is instinct and we have spent millennia running away from all those things that cause pain.  We’ve also spent millennia trying to answer the question about how to run away from the pain inside of us.  It’s one thing to escape from a physical threat—it’s quite another to have that source of pain so incredibly close.  I talked at length about depression the other day and how that battle within the mind is one of the most exhausting things we endure.  The internal battle is terrifying and that’s why we look for things outside of ourselves to fight.  In order to move past those things, however, we need to find the actual source of the issue—and face it.  There are many reasons for mental struggles ranging from physiological to environmental to circumstantial and each of them is as real as the next even if the solution is different.  In any case, no matter the cause, in order to address it we must get to the root.  It does no good to set an arm for a broken leg and we are so often avoidant of our mental/emotional challenges that that’s exactly what we’re trying to do whether subconsciously or consciously.

Healing looks different for everyone as we all have different things to heal from.  Different things apply and different things work to aid in the healing process but NOTHING will work if we continue to avoid it.  They say depression comes from avoiding the emotions we feel when dealing with a circumstance.  I can attest to the relief that comes from speaking the truth about how I feel.  I’ve had moments of regret when sharing those feelings didn’t turn out as expected but it certainly helped alleviate what I carried with me.  In the vein of self gaslighting, we need to consider honestly addressing the self-inflicted sources of pain we hold onto.  Without even talking about the why, we first have to acknowledge what the issue even is.  What is causing the suffering…and then we can get into the why.  It’s a lot of honesty and facing ourselves and that can take courage.  We are each our own worst enemies but we have the power to learn to love ourselves.  The more we accept ourselves (and accept of ourselves) the less we suppress and hide.      

I know these topics have been heavier as of late but I bring up mental struggles and healing at this juncture in the year because, while this is a time of celebration, reflection, and contemplation it is also a time when people face the reality of whatever their situation may be.  While people gather and celebrate, some are reminded of the pain of isolation and loneliness or their misses throughout the year.  We look forward to a season of love and giving while some see disappointment and sadness and we can’t demand those people snap out of whatever they’re feeling—they carry that weight and we can all find a way to lighten that load even if that’s reinforcing their presence is needed and wanted.  If we/they struggle to create space for themselves, we can hold space for them—or find those who will hold space for us.  Sometimes it’s taking that breath, that beat to hear the rhythm of our own hearts that reminds us our presence is worthy—and so are we.  That key to self-worth brings us straight to the root of any pain we have.  No matter what struggles we’re dealing with, remember we always have the key to heal and move forward.     

Courtesy of The Depression Project

What self-gaslighting looks like: Depression edition

1. Blaming yourself for letting go of healthy habits.  When you should acknowledge the depression fog that makes it difficult to maintain routine and order
2. Shaming yourself for resting more when you should acknowledge that depression can drain you of all of your energy
3. Telling yourself your struggle is invalid because others have it worse when you should acknowledge that depression doesn’t discriminate—you can “have it all” and it will still make you feel like you have nothing
4. Criticizing yourself for ruminating about your past pain when you should acknowledge that depression can make you get “stuck” on certain negative events and have repetitive thought loops around it
5. Shaming yourself for not being able to do the “little things” and concluding you’re worthless when you should acknowledge that depression makes life feel so heavy that you just need to take a break and exist until the storm passes

Any type of mental struggle or chemical imbalance is the worst kind of battle.  It’s a battle within and the contender never shuts up and never stays down.  Even if you think you’ve delivered the knock out blow, somehow it comes back stronger than ever, ready to go another 10 rounds.  It’s the opponent that literally knows each and every single one of your secrets, your inner workings, the things you consider weak points, your fears, and your dreams.  It knows how to turn your triumphs into dust and your biggest fears into reality.  It’s the storm that pops up out of nowhere on a cloudless day—and it brings an F5 with it.  It’s terrifying and exhausting all at once.  All of that comes from within and there are times when it’s happening 24/7.  It feels like it would be easier to jump in that ring.  I am a firm believer that we can manage our mindset and our emotions—I never said it was easy nor is it a one and done type thing.  There is no time limit on these things.  But when we don’t have that control and we cut our own legs out from beneath us, it makes it all the worse.     

I want to take a moment to talk about number 3 on this list.  The truth is there are people who are far worse off than any one of us reading this right now.  There are absolutely levels of “who has it worse.”  That doesn’t mean our struggle isn’t real.  The mind makes it feel very real and it lies over and over again where we can’t discern our voice/reality from that lie.  They become the same.  I will say this: both are true, that there are people who have it worse and it doesn’t discriminate. In the middle lies the truth which is that it’s about perspective.  Chipping a nail falls short of fracturing your leg just as someone who has to worry about finding a place to sleep at night or trying to find a meal supersedes not being able to choose a restaurant. With that being said, we can only deal with what is in front of us or within our own mind.  The problem is still real no matter what type of hierarchy we put on it.  Suffering is suffering, we just need to keep it in perspective.  If you feel pain you’re in pain, you don’t need validation from anyone.  There’s a truth that goes with this as well: the longer we deny what we actually feel, the more depressed we can get because we aren’t behaving in tandem with how we feel, we’re creating a false reality because we’ve minimized our own thoughts and emotions.

As we are still wired for survival, we compare ourselves and we listen and try to adapt to our surroundings no mater how negative they may be—and a lot of negativity can come from some pretty positive looking places.  The point is that there comes a time for all of us when we start to listen to those outside influences more than ourselves.  Those outside influences become the voice we hear as I mentioned above.  Trying to fit in a box isn’t normal, ignoring signs our mind/body gives us isn’t normal, expending energy to make others feel a certain way isn’t normal.  Seeing the façade nearly every person presents on social media has created such a false sense of reality that we really can’t even use that as a gauge anyway—it’s fake.  All the things we’ve told ourselves are normal are the very ingredients that combust into that mental chaos and confusion that we shame ourselves for feeling.  Those feelings are inevitable when we look at what’s stacked there.  We have to be in our own corner and be our own advocate—we can’t be an adversary to ourselves.  So take a look at that list and find a way to be comfortable listening to what is needed.  The less we gaslight ourselves, the easier it is to recognize when others do it to us.  It’s up to us to set those boundaries.    

“Remember those who understood you before you even started explaining.  Those are your people,” unknown.  I heard someone mention that they became friends with someone really quickly because she didn’t have to tell the other person how to be her friend.  I’m not disparaging quick connections—I’ve had them myself—but the latter point bothered me because it insinuates we need to bend and become something else to befriend someone.  Like we need lessons to be their friend.  In my mind that differs greatly from being understood before explaining.  When we understand without explanation, it’s the shared knowledge/empathy/experience that connects us because we’ve been there.  Make no mistake, those experiences tend to bond us but I don’t pretend that all of those people are my people either.  Like, we may have a shared experience of going to the museum or to an amusement park but that circumstance doesn’t mean we understand each other—sure we know what it means to go on the same ride, but that doesn’t mean we know the person.  So there is a fine line in connection and it comes down to truly knowing ourselves.  And there is also a difference between explanation and justification. I might need to give you detail on how we got where we are but I don’t need to prove I had a right or a reason to be there.

I worry a lot today, especially when I see the relationships my son is forming with people as he gets older.  There truly seems to be this near delusional expectation that feelings are everything.  It’s confusing because these kids are told it’s ok that they failed and made mistakes yet we still determine where they go next based on those grades.  I bring this up because we’ve set the stage for the belief that if people don’t behave exactly as we need them to, then they are somehow bad.  The fact that we expect people to bend to us at all is ridiculous—there are 8 billion people in the world, we can’t behave in 8 billion ways to make them all happy.  The truth is this: we ALL seek to be understood.  We all seek acceptance—we’re social creatures and want to be part of the crowd.  The people who understand our actions and accept who we are while helping us become better, those are our people.  Anyone who demands you become something else in their presence is not.  Those who demonstrate understanding know the range and depths of what we’ve been through and know how to help us navigate through it.  Anyone who demands justification or proof that we’re a friend is someone who will make us jump through hoops at their discretion. 

The world is hard enough to navigate these days.  It’s hard to discern fact from fiction and it’s even harder to tell what’s even REAL.  Not just the truth but what actually even exists.  We’ve created a world of illusion whether it’s presenting a specific façade to others or outright creating something not real (AI generated experiences perhaps…this isn’t to knock AI, in fact it’s to commend it because it’s real enough that we need to question it).  We need each other more than ever and we need genuine connection more than ever.  Those relationships help ground us and guide us and they remind us that we aren’t alone.  Anyone who makes us “earn” the right to be in their presence isn’t a true friend and truly isn’t worth our time.  We can say thanks for the lesson and move on—we don’t need to add fake friends to the list of fake things in this world. And just remember that the gut doesn’t lie.  If we know someone isn’t genuine or that the don’t have our best interests at heart, we need to trust it.  Understanding comes with time and patience and experience, not with someone else’s demands.  So take a look at the people in our inner circles and ask what their connection is.  Is it conditional?  Or is it genuine?  We know the answer and we know the tribe that calls to us. Don’t lose them.    

“The universe will never give you peace in something you were never meant to settle in,” unknown.  This is one of those quotes I felt in my bones.  For the last 6 months I’ve been recycling the sickening behavior of people we considered friends over and over. It’s repeated so much I’ve allowed it to infiltrate my home and even had me questioning whether or not we should stay here.  I’ve had conversations with source (albeit one-sided) asking to help fix it, to help me understand what went wrong.  I even asked why this pattern kept repeating.  I took ownership for my part in it as the common denominator in the circumstance and I heard nothing.  I thought with time that I would move on and feel more settled and come to peace with it.  Don’t get me wrong, I have to a degree.  But as the thoughts continue to surge and evolve, I’m realizing something: this started when I stopped playing their game.  This started because a boundary was crossed without any consideration for our feelings while the expectation was that we would obey whatever they said, and that we could read their minds.  Why am I fighting to be part of something that will only accept me if I change?  Why am I wanting to be part of something that doesn’t reciprocate?  Why am I trying to keep up with what they tell me to do for their benefit?  It hit me like a lighting bolt after reading this quote: the turmoil is still there because I’m trying to settle where I don’t belong.

This may not be a physical location—perhaps it is, the jury is still out on that part—but it is most certainly in regards to my state of mind and how I see myself.  How can I find peace in accepting what they did to us and trying to prove I’m worthy of those who don’t even understand me?  This isn’t what I’m meant to be doing and I’m cutting off my own wings trying to make people happy who don’t even know how to walk yet.  I say this not out of ego but out of understanding that we are simply in different stages in our lives and they may not have anywhere else to go yet—I do.  There’s no judgement in that either but the realization that I don’t have to stop my journey because they tell me to.  I’m not happy with this circumstance because I’ve gotten stuck in the mire created by those too selfish and blind to see they’ve peaked here or to understand what they’re asking of others.  I haven’t done everything perfectly but I know I am not meant to be held back by their opinions.  Or anyone’s opinion for that matter.  And I don’t want to settle anymore.  I don’t want to settle for what other people tell me is enough.  I don’t want to find contentment if I’m not fulfilling my potential or functioning in my purpose.  We can’t do that if we are in the wrong environment—physically or mentally. 

So in that vein, I also found this quote: “The universe will never give you peace in things that poison your light.  And that’s not cruelty.  That’s love dressed as a lesson waiting to set you free,” Annaya Mahale.  I recognize now that in dealing with these particular individuals I was operating in old habits.  I tried to prove I was the best friend, that I was good enough, that I was generous enough, that I could fit in with all of them.  I thought I was meant to fit in and it’s only now I’m seeing I was meant to stand out.  The people I thought were my friends, some of them close enough I considered them family, were spreading poison in my life, expecting me to dim my light to make them comfortable.  So it’s no wonder that I haven’t been able to find peace.  Even the act of trying to take the blame for these things is the old me.  I’m all about accountability but I see this group wanted me to take all the blame and that wasn’t the truth.  We find peace when we find ourselves even if that means going through some painful lessons.  Sometimes it takes a while to see where the poison is coming from or who is creating the storm.  And we are never meant to settle until we find what is ours.  We may be asking for peace on the hill when Source wants us to find peace on the mountain.  It can be difficult to push ourselves but once we learn to not settle for anything less than what we deserve, we fully understand that we won’t find true peace because that isn’t for us. 

A reminder:

“Be creative—in your thoughts, in your feelings, and in all of your actions.  Apply your own uniqueness to everything you undertake,” Wayne Dyer.  We learn through doing and we learn who we are through doing.  We learn what makes us tick, all the little things that make our hearts sing.  When we find those ingredients that add up to the spice of life, we need to sprinkle that all over the world.  We are merely meant to be ourselves, not some contrived and fabricated version the world wants us to be.  Not the person anyone expects us to be.  We are made as we are for a reason and we are each gifted with unique talents and viewpoints and we are meant to meld that into whatever we do so we leave our mark on the world.  We truly aren’t meant to play small. We aren’t meant to hide who we are.  So pick up the mantle of who we are meant to be and approach everything we do with our own personal touch.  That’s what makes it special.   

“You are not entitled to your opinion.  You are entitled to your informed opinion.  No one is entitled to be ignorant,” Harlan Ellison.  I love this.  I can amend this to say that everyone is entitled to their own opinion but they aren’t entitled to share it if it isn’t true (misinformation) nor are they entitled to demand others believe as they do.  The point of discourse is to arrive at an informed conclusion with each side contributing knowledge that builds on a premise to form a big picture.  We’ve degraded the purpose of thought and discussion to people needing to hear the sound of their own voice.  We’ve made intelligent discussion around facts “aggressive.”  People tend to value their feelings over fact and it’s become more important to feel good than it is to make informed decisions.  With all of this being said, it isn’t necessary to “muse and ponder” all day or to “wax poetic” on different ideas like philosophers before us.  But we do need to reach a common ground and that can only happen if we are willing to discuss the facts. 

Everyone has opinions and everyone feels things in relation to specific topics.  There are things that have a greater impact on certain areas of our lives so we may prioritize them over other things and there are things that have no bearing whatsoever on us.  So here is a little rule of thumb: if we haven’t taken the time to discover the truth and consider the facts, if we haven’t experienced whatever it is we’re talking about, if we weren’t present to witness some revelation on the matter—our voice isn’t needed in that moment.  If we aren’t contributing something of value to the circumstance, we should stay silent.  The more we allow feeling to be portrayed as fact, the more out of touch we become as we stretch to accommodate everyone’s feelings.  When we have a platform to share (and we all do now thanks to social media) it’s up to us to use it responsibly.  I’m not saying people don’t make mistakes even with due diligence and I’m not saying that we can’t simply have fun.  But I am saying we need to be more aware of what comes out of our mouths.

This world rushes to be in the know as fast as possible.  Time is money in so many regards that we no longer seem to care whether or not what we say is helpful, kind, or relevant—we just have to get the information out there.  We want to be the first to talk about whatever situation or scenario is out there and everything is out there for people to see now.  It isn’t conducive to finding the truth. How often have we gone back and corrected ourselves after digging more?  Shock value seems to be the way and we are creating waves of long term discord and unrealistic expectations and beliefs.  We need to hold ourselves to a higher degree of accountability—be clear on what we say and what we mean and align our actions with our words.  No one gets to remain ignorant and claim they know the ways of the world.  The ironic part is that most people are pretty savvy with recognizing when people aren’t being truthful or when they don’t really know what they’re talking about.  I know I can sense when I’m not fully informed on something.  So if we are aware of this, then we can break the habit and start ensuring we know enough about something to have the conversation or we are willing to learn.  Ignorance isn’t always bliss—sometimes it’s dangerous.      

Today I am grateful for reminders of balance of the human ego.  It’s been a tough week in the family as we’ve been navigating multiple health issues.  We’re trying to deal with these things miles apart and with varied degrees of strain in our relationships with specific members of our family, each of us learning to assume a role.  It hit me that ego can be the death of us in so many ways.  For the sake of proving she’s “worth it,” one would rather literally bankrupt another for the sake of proving their value—or reminding this person of their value.  So to get the attention you’ve been wanting, you’re willing to destroy your own future?  Seeing that put it in perspective how ridiculous the human ego can be for the sake of validating ourselves and proving we’re right.  I realized that’s not a battle I care to fight personally and I certainly can’t fight that for someone else.  I’m grateful for the reminder because I’ve felt myself get to that edge many times, looking for someone to tell me how worthy I am and how willing they are to sacrifice for me.  I wanted to see their actions match what I’d done for them…and it was a total waste of time.  I’m glad it’s been a long time since I’ve felt the need to do that, but I know where that urge comes from.  I’m grateful for the reminders to keep that in check.     

Today I am grateful for reminders about boundaries.  I’m increasingly aware of my inability to do it all.  I had a habit of taking the reins without letting anyone know because it was easier to do it and it made me feel like if I could carry the burden for others, perhaps they’d appreciate it.  In some cases they did, in others they felt like I was just trying to be controlling. But I realized in all the running around, in prioritizing my family (because I have a younger child), that I can’t nor do I want to continue to do it all on my own.  I can play my part and we can divide the work in a way that won’t drive us crazy.  We still need to do a better job of communicating what needs to be done but the act of dividing the work made it all the more tolerable to deal with.  It made me appreciate my own limits and the realization of what I did and didn’t want to (or was able) deal with.  It’s ok to have limits, even when it comes to helping.  Perhaps it’s most important when it comes to helping. 

Today I am grateful for sorting out and clarifying priorities.  These last few months have flown by (most of this year has flown by if I’m honest) and it put me in a position of total overwhelm.  Things started to come faster and faster and I wasn’t sure how to keep up.  I wasn’t sure how I found myself at this time of year already.  In all the chaos of transition this year, even with being sick, I still managed to get the house ready for the holidays.  Now with circumstances being what they are, we’re not able to host the holidays here.  My ego, heart, and soul went through some stages of grief with that, however, it has shown me something: time doesn’t have control over us if we don’t let it.  This year wound up like a freight train gathering speed and pulling me along with it because of all the things I wanted to do—and forced myself to do.  I have this cycle where there are years I feel like I’m totally on it, a powerhouse that can’t be stopped, and then there are times like this where I can barely remember to put the dishes away.  I’m tired of allowing outside circumstances dictate and distract and even derail the overall goals I’ve had.  So, I’ve realized that my energy needs to be more carefully and purposefully managed.  If I don’t want time to get away from me, I need to pay attention to what I’m doing and stick with what I have laid out as the goal.  And don’t misunderstand, I love the holidays and I would have decorated regardless, however, feeling like I did this year, I likely would have toned it down a bit and expected others to be ok with that.  It made me realize that certain messages I have aren’t received the way I intend them so it’s best to focus on what I need to do and let people do what they need to.  With that shift in focus and priority, I feel like I will stay on track in the game.

Today I am grateful for moving forward.  This was such an interesting year for me—and I will review that more as I get to the end of year stuff.  I truly have so much to be grateful for and I’m working diligently to keep that at the center of my focus.  There was a lot to celebrate.  I’ve also realized that I don’t always deal with transition very well and I have some things to work on there.  With all of that being said, this year was a MAJOR shift for me in so many ways—professionally with changing careers, personally with different relationships (familial, friendship, romantic), and inner-personally with dealing with mid-life and the reality of who I am, what I’ve done, and what I still want to do.  In order to move forward, we all have to learn to adapt to change.  Even change we ask for.  I had longed for the moment my life would look closer to what it does right now.  It took me longer to acclimate to the reality of it than I thought (especially after playing it out in my head for so long) but with those changes came the reminder that sometimes the things we want impact us in ways we didn’t see coming.  There are challenges even in the good, even in the things we ask for.  As I said above there were moments that felt like they blindsided me and moments I felt on top of my game.  That’s life.  But now I know that in order to move forward we have to be fully committed and fully on that train.  It’s time to purge again.  It’s time to get really honest about a plan forward.  I see the goal, I see the vision of the end goal but it’s time to shed the extra pieces I’ve been carrying under the guise of “What if.”  It’s time to stop preparing for every inevitability in life and start preparing for what’s needed to achieve the goals.  It’s time to focus on what’s wanted and take steps in that direction and leave the rest behind.  THAT is moving forward.

Today I am grateful for courage.  In spite of feeling weak in the past year due to changes in friendships and other relationships, I’ve found strength to move forward in ways I didn’t know I had.  I made choices to change the overall trajectory of what life looks like for me because I wanted something more conducive to the big picture.  It was scary and it created a stir in my routine and habits and it didn’t go exactly as I anticipated but I kept moving forward.  Change, even desired change, takes courage.  With all the stressors, both internal and external over the last few weeks/months, I’ve seen over and over again that change takes courage, clarity, and confidence.  Even desired change can be challenging.  Change means letting go of the familiar in favor of something new even if we don’t see all the nuances of what’s new and what’s to come.  We are fast approaching 2026 and I am determined to not get sidelined or sideswiped or dragged along by anything this year.  This is about eyes on the prize and clarity.  This is about gratitude for how far we’ve come and our willingness (my willingness) to continue to move forward no matter what it looks like. This is about a new degree/level of balance and focus.  I’m not saying it will be easy and I’m well aware that not everything goes to plan.  But moving forward knowing the plan will at least give us a course to stay on.  I’m truly ready to move forward.  I’m ready to leave behind the things the universe is telling me to leave.  I’m ready to let go of the idea of potential or the nostalgia of what was in favor of the effort to be who I’m meant to be.  Picking up the full mantle of who we are is one of the most courageous things we can do.  In these last few weeks of this year, I’m making peace with those pieces of the past that still linger and I’m preparing for the move forward.  That is one of the biggest leaps I can take and I’m grateful for it. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.    

I’m not sure where the sense of needing to be the best, needing to be responsible for it all, needing to ALWAYS get it right, needing to do everything alone, needing to do it ALL comes from.  WE can talk about pressures and distraction and how everyone is “on” all the time.  We can talk about how connected everyone is even though we’ve never been more disconnected from ourselves.  We can talk about survival and worth.  The thing is there has always been something innately in the human animal that makes us strive to be on top. Of course there’s the survival mechanism, that’s obvious, but this is more than that.  We set expectations on ourselves that no one could possibly attain and we get angry at ourselves if we don’t make it.  We act as if we are some all powerful being who should be above any type of human limitation.  I’m not talking fantasy world, I’m talking about the expectation that our calendars are filled and we somehow have to balance our schedule with our family’s lives all while looking cool, calm, collected, and leaving the smallest carbon footprint with our homegrown organic food and meal prepping and working out every single day and running multiple businesses because a single 9-5 doesn’t support us any longer and if we take any time off we’re falling behind. 

I found myself churning through some pretty disparaging and mean thoughts with increased frequency lately because it felt like I couldn’t get through the day.  I couldn’t complete a single task that I wanted no to. I struggled to keep my word to myself even for the things I WANTED to do.  I looked at my schedule and saw that there were a lot of conflicting things, there were some vague notes about what I had to do, lists of what should be done with no real task assigned.  Life felt chaotic and I was trying to do everything at once to keep us afloat.  I could barely find time to clean the house let alone create this free-flowing success living the dream all the time where everything is in its place and everyone plays their role.  I found myself constantly repeating how I should be able to do this.  I was the one who said yes, I started all this, I agreed to it, I even wanted some of it.  But I had no thoughtful or meaningful plan for execution and no clear goal in sight.  I know that’s a problem, however, I convinced myself that I was on top of it all and I found ways to push through and get it all done even if it meant giving up my sanity and the actual goal.  Which I did give up.  I don’t know what made me think I could do more than the average person or that I needed to.  I mean, I have an idea but that’s an entirely different piece.  I cried out asking for help, begging for a way to keep everything afloat, to get to the next piece of dry ground, frustrated that I couldn’t seem to get it together. 

I heard something tell me to stop apologizing for being human.  Nothing, no higher being had asked me to do all these things.  No higher being, no other person had said I needed to do all the work I’ve been trying to do.  No one said that I needed to say yes to everything.  No one said I needed to do all that work as some sort of penance.  No one said I needed to be super human and do it all.  None of us are held accountable to being more than human.  I don’t know when our culture deemed being human and expressing our humanity was a weakness as if we needed to be extraordinary at everything we do in order to be worthy.  There are thousands of moments and opportunities throughout the day that show us what a gift it is to simply be alive.  We’re the ones who decided the way to find meaning in life was to constantly do something.  I fully agree that we all need a purpose—but our purpose isn’t to do everything or to fill every single moment with doing something.  We need to recognize that humanity is nothing to apologize for.  If we were created to be a certain way then that is all we need to be.  It serves better to do what we are meant to do well rather than stretch ourselves to the breaking point doing everything half-assed and overwhelmed.  There’s a lot of life to live and we can’t regret who we are because we miss the boat on an impossible standard.  We have nothing to apologize for in regards to our capacity.  Our best is enough.          

“It’s ok to have a season of separation,” Kevin Duong.  I would amend that to say a season of separation is necessary.  We have to extricate ourselves from whatever it is that holds us back, whatever it is that creates that feeling of constriction in our chest. Even if it’s from the people, habits, or things we know    I can talk about this in the context of a million things because it applies to a million things—a bad job, a negative mindset, a habit that doesn’t serve, the people who treat us poorly, distraction, whatever it is.  The question of what we may or may not need separation isn’t really optional.  We all carry baggage or SOMETHING we no longer need.  We need to ask why we’re holding onto it.   Truly, I know that we don’t always know what we’re holding onto.  That weights heavy on me near the holidays because my life shifts at that time of year: I want to make everyone happy.  I want to bring back the nostalgia and emotion and joy of what we all felt years ago.  I want to create magic.  But in holding on so tightly to what was, I eliminate what IS or what could be.  The old image I have in my mind is highly romanticized and I want to bring that back to those around me, those I love.  But I need to separate from the idea of bringing back old memories because I’ve learned that their memories aren’t the same as mine.  They feel differently than I do. 

I also understand that separation can be difficult because we are often taught to stick with something until we can’t.  It’s hard to let go of the familiar.  And truthfully sometimes we don’t even know what’s holding us back.  But I will say if we continually say yes to things we haven’t thought through or things that serve someone else’s goal and not ours, we will get buried.  If we constantly say no we will end up wiping out all of our opportunities.  That may be a habit we have to stop as well.  We need to recognize that we need something different. Knowing we need something different opens our eyes to the things we need to let go of.  Life can be heavy enough as it is.  We’ve designed so many systems that benefit a select few on the efforts of those we decide have to fall in line.  If life feels heavy like we’re buried then that’s a good indication there’s something we need to let go of.  People we know will balk at the change and wonder why we’re no longer playing the game the same way.  They will say we’re different.  To that we must say, “That’s the point.”  We will never get anything different if we’re always doing what we’ve always done.  We won’t change if we are constantly trying to live the same memories over and over again to capture feelings we thought were better than the present.  Try putting the burden down.  Try letting go of what we’re told we need to carry.  Separate from what we knew and see what we learn to welcome the new.  Sometimes all it takes is a little separation to get clarity.  We don’t need all we thought we did.  Welcome the separation to welcome what we’ve been waiting for.