I’ve been dealing with some health issues lately of a recurring respiratory nature.  It’s something I’ve dealt with my whole life for various reasons—perhaps a combination of environmental elements and some signs.  Lately with some of the overwhelming emotions that surrounded me coupled with this illness has made me really start to consider some things.  I wrote in my last gratitude that I wasn’t feeling particularly grateful in that moment.  I wasn’t.  I’d found myself in a situation at work that I’d told myself I wasn’t going to do that ever again yet here I was faced with a situation where I had to do the work and every fiber of my being was against it.  It was too much for the week—Thanksgiving, the work load, the things I wanted to do like setting up my home for Christmas and working on my personal projects, cleaning the house, etc.  I had some emotional issues while spending Thanksgiving with my family.  Not all of us were together due to living far apart, travel, death and it was the pressing realization how much change is upon us and we can do nothing about it.  That’s fine—we can deal with change.  But there was also the incredible weight of all the change that’s still to come—the loss that will come no matter what I do whether it’s additional family moving away or the inevitable loss of family that will also happen.

So with all of this I simply wasn’t feeling myself.  This has been a fantastic year for change but also incredibly challenging and heavy.  The latter feeling really came from the fact that it was so much at once, not that any of it was unasked for, there was no real time to get my legs under me so to speak.  Part of that was my choice because there were so many needed changes and they just happened to come all at once.  But facing the reality of loss I can do nothing about hit hard.  Facing the reality that my priorities are different than my family, my memories and feelings about what we’ve shared are different.  While not unexpected, it still hurt.  I’ve always known that my views were different and I’ve always prided myself on seeing things from others’ perspective but this was just too much.  This was as if the entirety of my reality was stripped away.  Even the things I’m trying to teach my son seem lost on him because his focus is elsewhere at the moment—again not unexpected, but it makes me feel like a failure to a degree-the things I always wanted to teach him and have him experience aren’t landing.  Logically I know that’s fine, he’s having his own experience. But it’s a reminder that, even though I’m working on creating my own reality, my choice/reality doesn’t really work.  Seeing how lost my father now looks, realizing that we never know how much time we are guaranteed with people, knowing my whole family wasn’t there and these could be the last moments we have together just hit heavy.

So I never allowed myself to talk about how much this really hurt.  The grief of what has transpired and what hasn’t.  One could argue this is a mindset thing, sure, but it’s an emotional lead balloon at times.  I’m grateful for the time I have, for the life I’ve built, but, using the example I did the other day, it’s more like a shirt that started to fasten on the wrong button.  That’s a lot of sadness and grief to carry.  And I found out in Eastern medicine, the issues with the lungs are indicative of unexpressed grief and an inability to let go.  I’ve always said the things we don’t deal with emotionally can manifest physically and here was the proof of it.  It’s something I know I need to work through because it’s up to me to let it go—and this is proof that sometimes, we know we have to let go and for whatever reason we can’t—and the more we refuse to acknowledge it, the body will force us to deal with what the mind will not.  So there is no choice but to deal with the root cause—those emotions.  I want to share this so we all remember that we aren’t alone.  Whether anxiety, unexpressed grief, physical illness, we aren’t alone in figuring out what we need to deal with—and if we don’t deal with it the body will find a way to make us deal with it.  So take some time to slow down today and ask what’s going on.  Don’t run from it.  In that way, we can heal the source and begin to move on.  I’ll work on healing too, both physically and mentally.  And things will continue to improve from there. 

I’ve had a tenuous relationship with religion at best and found some comfort in spirituality.  Connection and grounding to source made sense to me, but the idea of these rules written in a book that was largely up for interpretation just never sat right with me.  It seemed to me that we didn’t know enough about that divine plan and it seemed like that may be something too personal and specific for us to share the exact same lessons from a deity.  I can’t say that I didn’t see the point in shared practice and communion because that is a beautiful practice, but the idea of every single human on Earth adhering to a specific set of rules to determine the fate of their souls just didn’t seem right.  I can only speak from my religious upbringing, and I will say from the time I was a child, the idea of a punitive savior just didn’t seem right to me.  I never got that inherent feeling that someone who wants our souls to be pure and aligned would expect every single person to conform when we are all blessed with so many different ways to live, such varied creativity.  If each of us has a different purpose and goal, then how can we be expected to be the same in every other way? It didn’t make sense that we would all be created uniquely if the savior was telling us to be the same.  Why would our main goal in life be to fight who we are when we were gifted with difference?

A while back I shared my thoughts/feelings on death and I haven’t changed my stance on it—I still loathe death.  I still do NOT see the purpose of it.  And that, too was another reason for my tenuous relationship with an almighty figure.  When you are exposed to death at an early age where you’re aware enough of what’s happening to understand that person/being isn’t coming back but you don’t understand where they really went or why, it’s traumatic.  Death itself is traumatic no matter the age because it is the definitive cleaving of before and after, the presence and absence all defined in one.  I understand concepts like energy recycles but I do not understand the need for life to end.  That’s something I know I need to work on psychologically as well as spiritually, but I want to clarify that death is another large reason for my tenuous relationship with religion.  I never felt any type of safety from a savior that could take life away indiscriminately and seemingly without cause.  We’ve seen good people die, people important to us die, influential people die.  I still don’t understand how the idea of loss of life is supposed to encourage vitality and when we witness death in such a way (unexpected or not), I don’t see how we find a point in life ending.  There is a whole lot of living to do in this world and it seems cruel that we’d be given a taste for life we can’t experience (like if we can’t afford certain things) to have it end.  Or we’d start a life we thought was right for us to have it cut short.  A teasing taste of the good seems childish, a bit too much like a carrot on a stick.

The concept of our mindset determining our experience on Earth and potentially our experience after physical existence makes sense to me.  And lately I’ve been reminded of all the painful things, the loss, the mistakes, the anger, the frustration, the manipulation, the lies, the constant being shoved down for the sake of others (only to be told I’m selfish for asking for the same attention in return), growing up believing my needs didn’t matter and that my role was to be as small as possible.  Well, I lived small my entire life with some pretty big ideas and that, too seemed cruel—I was given a lot of advantages mentally and academically and I had so little fear until the pattern of judging my appearance took precedence over what I had to contribute.  If the message was so important why were we trained to judge on appearances first?  Sure, I get the whole survival thing and need to make a quick decision but we’ve long evolved past that yet still keep the practice, just applied to different things.  We’re taught that we need people yet our support systems don’t offer that structure.  So it’s this constant contradiction between what is and what we are “supposed” to do that gets me every time.  I do things out of the genuine nature of my heart and soul and people have said that’s all fake.  I am the first to say that I am usually pretty firm on not doing what I don’t want to do—I mean, I’m human, I’m not perfect in the contradiction department either but fighting who we are seems pointless so you can rest assured that if I’m doing something, on some level it’s because I want to.

So human nature in itself has made me suspect toward a higher power.  Seeing people who have succeeded in alternative lifestyles while others don’t, seeing how much effort some people are required to put into their goals while others seem to have to do nothing frustrates me.  It seems if we are all expected to adhere to the same set of rules that we would all be treated the same way.  We aren’t.  Seeing how some of the most intelligent people lose their minds to diseases like dementia or how singers get vocal or lung damage or artists/surgeons get their hands damaged, how we have to see things yet lose our sight or we need to hear them but can’t hear—all of that seems incredibly cruel and unnecessary.  To spend a lifetime giving and being made to feel guilty for ANY modicum of receiving is tortuous.  To fear joy, believing that something horrible must happen for any amount of happiness is disgusting.  And losing those we love, the ones who truly understand and support us merely reminds us of how alone we are—and if we are supposed to feel connected, how is that helpful?  At the end of the day, maybe it really is all just a test.  Maybe these are all different ways and means of discovering who we are and what we are made of, but I can’t help but think there may be an easier way.  I can’t say that because we don’t have an answer that the almighty doesn’t exist but I know my frustration comes from not understanding what that relationship is.  If religion does it for you, that’s great.  I’m still trying to find my connection.  Perhaps one day I will understand it.  Until then I can only hope to release the confusion and anger and fear.    

I want to preface this with clarifying and emphasizing that the work I’ve done over the last several years still stands and I still believe in it.  I still believe that we need to be the fullest expressions of ourselves—and I still believe it’s a relatively simple formula.  Yet, as we’ve talked about before, simple doesn’t mean easy.  SO.  The question becomes how do we reconcile what the world sees us as with who we are and when do we care enough to shift that course. 

I find it ironic that in a day and age where talk of acceptance/accepting people as they are that we still find niches where we demand people behave and become a certain way in order to be accepted.  I mean, I’m aware that at the end of the day, it’s up to us whether we conform to others’ expectations, but I don’t pretend that is an easy decision if the alternative is constantly going it alone.  It’s easy to say on the surface that we’d turn down those situations and walk away every time—but we all know our humanness will eventually tell us we need people. We start questioning if it’s really that bad to do what someone else needs from us even if we don’t receive the same.  We define doing the right thing by how happy others are.  There’s a time and a place for putting aside our own crap and simply doing what needs to be done whether we like it or not—but I want to be clear that there is also most certainly a time and place for us to call bullshit and put up the boundary for unfair/unrequited/inequitable treatment.  We get to decide who we truly are.      

We can go through our entire lives never bothering to change anything—some people do go through life like that.  They either have such a firm sense of knowing that they don’t worry about doing anything differently or they have enough faith that they simply don’t feel the need to fight whatever comes their way.  There’s nothing wrong with either mindset, to be honest.  Not everyone is so fortunate and some of us go through several iterations of self before we know who we are.  We’re human and we all go through tough times, some seasons are easier than others.  Do we get bitter or do we get better?  The difference is in the “I”—and I believe that too.  But the world sometimes tests us in ways that we don’t anticipate.  Sometimes it wants to see what we’re made of.  If we know who we are then why do we need to adapt to what the world tells us to be?  When do we make a stand and let the world go on as it is while we become who we need to be? We are intuitive creatures and the things that call to us, call for a reason.  Yet it’s always up to us if we decide to follow what we know or if we will bend to what we see, the pressure around us.

Perhaps this is some kind of midlife crisis scenario, a reckoning with what life means and where I’m at in that cosmic balance, a true test of what I believe. I don’t pretend to understand the way the world tests us or why, I don’t pretend that I’ve lived a bad life—but I know that there is something off at the same time.  It’s a life where the first button hole was missed—it still fits but not quite right.  We’ve all seen those people who stubbornly persist in doing what they want to do no matter the consequence to themselves or others, and I’ve started to ask why it’s acceptable for some to make such a firm stance while others get thrown in the wishy-washy mix.  I question why life is so fickle, why people’s attentions and desires are so malleable.  The  distraction we face is well known yet we do nothing about it—and we all become this pseudo version of who we are, alive but not fully.  Do we forego what we are supposed to do here on Earth for a chance to rise above in a later life?  Or do we risk eternity for a fulfilled life here?  I can’t say what death is like but I know what a life half lived feels like.  I know what it means to sacrifice what we want thinking a greater reward is coming only to have it fade away.  So yes, this is very much a moment where I have to decide what comes next.  We all do at some point, I’ve faced a few already.  Whatever we do, it’s not up to someone else to tell us how we are supposed to think/feel/behave.  We know who we are and we may need to remind ourselves of that every now and then—and what we choose to do with that information is also up to us.  So we keep going.  

Today I am grateful for my animals.  In spite of the holiday, it’s honestly been a fairly crappy week and I’ve been sick (again).  These fuzzy little angels have been all over me and it has sincerely helped me feel supported.  I laid on the couch and they laid on top of me—all of them.  Just their presence, their weight on me, their purrs, those things allowed me to center a bit because I was incredibly close to spiraling several times—I did spiral on Friday.  There is something incredibly soothing and uplifting when no words are needed to express that something is needed.  To know that support is there without question.  And it shows that love and understanding isn’t a language—it’s an energy.       

Today I am grateful for the fact that I have things to be grateful for.  I’m not in the best mindset as I write this today and I need to keep some perspective on things which is that I’m fortunate to be where I’m at.  This week presented mental, emotional, and physical hurdles that I didn’t expect to have to deal with again and in that ironic fashion that seems to be the function of the universe, everything fell on my plate at once along with a surprise illness after volunteering.  My honest present mindset is pure annoyance which has simmered down from rage.  I do not understand how all I’ve committed to doing is thwarted, all I WANT to be doing is blocked, and all I NEED to be doing is damn near impossible at the moment.  The people I need most are avoiding me and the people who supported me are on their way out.  Some of these things are simply part of life, I know that.  But some of these things seem like incredibly cruel games put in place for some unknown reason.  I still have a lot to be grateful for, the pain and frustration just took center stage this week.    

Today I am grateful for seeing what does and doesn’t work in my life.  Things have been chaotic for the last several months as I’ve adapted to a new role, a new style of work, and a new way of living as a result.  I’ve truly struggled with this identity thing over the last few months.  I’ve gotten what I was working for in so many ways yet I’ve never been further from what I envisioned.  It’s always those last pieces that refuse to fall into place that I’ve struggled with the most.  I have that old feeling of being so close to the finish line and there is just this immoveable wall that I can never get past.  No amount of climbing, running around, digging under, or beating my way through can seem to bring this wall down.  It is the last piece that keeps me from being who I want to be.  I feel like I’ve reached this point so many times, aware of who I am, ready to be that person, accepting it all, yet, there is this thing that stubbornly persists, telling me that all I’ve envisioned and worked for will never be mine.  For no other reason than it’s me who wants it.  I’ve contorted myself every single way I could to work toward this goal—sticking to the goal and flexible on the how.  Yet this fucking door is always closed.  So, I’ve learned what doesn’t work and I’ve also learned who I am in regards to knowing what is right for me—and not giving a shit what does and doesn’t work, it’s who I am.  I’m also aware at this stage of the game that I no longer want to contort myself.  It’s not my responsibility to bend and adapt to every whim of the universe.  We’re supposed to be partners and I need it to hold up its end sometimes.    

Today I am grateful for knowing my limit.  This is the first time in a long time where I’ve felt like I am completely maxed out.  It seems like every other year I’m in this place where everything just absolutely goes to shit.  Like only half of my life is meant to flow—and I can’t stand it.  I feel like a petulant child to even say it but what pisses me off the most is adhering to these “rules” that no one else seems to have to follow and I’ve got a 50% success rate.  And if being who I am is only half successful while other people get to be 100% assholes and attain their every desire then I’m at the point where, frankly, I see no point in participating in this shit any longer.  They say that we aren’t given more than we can handle and that sometimes we face these challenges to get us to move—I 100% believe that is true and there is a purpose for specific obstacles.  But what I don’t understand is when it all fails no matter how adaptable—no matter what my goal is, how it never comes fully to fruition.    

Today I am grateful for some grace.  I know these pieces are normally more encouraging and uplifting but I am human and I am grateful for some understanding that we all have crappy weeks.  This one in particular got to me.  I am not in a place where I feel very grateful as I write this but I am still trying.  There is always a chance for something better no matter how bleak things look—that I still believe.  I know this isn’t the end.  I know transition is hard and feels like everything is falling apart—because to a degree, it is.  Change is destruction and when we ask for change, things won’t be the same.  I’m grateful that I’ve had the opportunities I’ve had to make some of those changes.  But I’m incredibly tired of carrying the load on my own.  I’m exhausted always having to be on.  I’m disappointed in myself for taking steps back when I thought I was moving forward.  I’m angry that I have little say in what I do in some key areas of my life.  I’m frustrated that, as independent as I am and as much as I want to move forward (action based), I’m still held back at the whims of other people.  I’m angry and confused and I’m not feeling very connected at the moment.  I’m pretty fucking lost to be honest.  I’ve found my way back, and I know I will find my way somewhere this time as well.  I know the light will eventually come again.  Hopefully in a more stable fashion than before.   

Wishing everyone a better week ahead.

For ages I thought I needed money to be able to do what I want when I want.  No accountability to anyone is what I believed constituted freedom.  No one ever telling me how to live my day, operating entirely on my own schedule at my own pace sounded pretty free.  It felt like the opposite of where I was, crushed by deadlines and work that I had no interest in, adhering to a schedule that constantly forced me to push harder and harder to do more while leaving behind and delaying what I wanted to do, needing permission to go to the restroom and take a day off.  I felt with everything in me that wasn’t life and I started to question why we were fighting to live that way.  The more I looked at it the more it felt like a trap.  Like, sure we are free to decide and do what we want to but we can only do it if we can afford it.  IE, we can go to Disney tomorrow if we can pay, or we can eat the healthiest food in the world if we pay or we can take time off work if we have enough hours accumulated for work WE’VE ALREADY DONE.  How are we free if we are only allowed to participate in it if we can afford it?  And is it really freedom if the cost is actually different for people? 

So with those elements defining freedom for me (not answering to anyone and being able to afford to go wherever, whenever) I never looked at where the energy I have may have been leaking. I focused on not answering to people and finding ways to make a lot of money—nothing in depth about my purpose and what meant something to me. I knew I was letting people determine my life both by sticking with the job I had as well as being more concerned with how people viewed me than I was in developing the things I wanted in myself but I didn’t know how to stop. I was bound to what people thought I was and trying to make them see me how I wanted them to—and is that freedom if we’re worried about what people think of us?  I hated how unfair it seemed that we created a world with so many options and experiences that not all of us could participate in.  If someone decided we weren’t “enough’ we couldn’t do it.  It seemed even more cruel to say that it was the person’s choice and sure they could participate only if they were willing to pay the price.  Well, the price varies for the person and the choices they make, and if they have to choose between food and a vacation, well, that isn’t really a choice is it?  That is the cycle I want to break. 

To change anything, we need to change our definitions and viewpoints.  With all the advances and knowledge we have today and the ability to share that information, we are in a position to change that definition yet we still force ourselves to operate in systems founded hundreds of years ago.  I mean, sure there are parts that still make sense but overall those rules applied in a time when there were far less people and information took far longer to get to everyone.  Change was painfully slow.  It doesn’t have to be any longer.  We all have access and we all know what’s broken and what’s working in this world. So the truth is, freedom isn’t just about access, it’s knowing what we want access to. Knowing who we are and living that way is the real meaning of freedom.  Not leaking energy to perform and be a certain way around certain people, no longer adapting and contorting ourselves depending on who we are with and the situation, THAT is real freedom.  Accepting who we are is freedom.  When we accept ourselves, we find our path and we learn what rules apply to us, the parameters we want to live in, and what we will do to get there.  It isn’t just the money to call the shots and go where we want to go whenever and to live with no accountability—freedom is the ability to live HOW we want to, directing our energy where we want it to go.  We don’t need any permission for that—we just need a solid foundation and belief in ourselves.    

I want to talk about timing for a moment.  My husband and I have been participating in a group trying to find some connection and guidance on somethings. When we first started, the group just happened to be talking about strengthening marriage.  It was exactly what we needed to work with at that time.  It was an 8 week series on it and there were many profound moments.  I was excited to go to the group today knowing that we were going to start a new series, not knowing what it was.  We’ve been kind of down and out lately, the reality of some of the year hitting us, not knowing the right steps to take and frankly, yes, feeling a bit depressed and stuck.  The series that the group began today was about mental health and depression.  It brought tears to my eyes thinking that we’ve been going through so much, so unsure of which way to go, feeling guilty for even feeling bad because we have so much to be grateful for, yet here was another sign clearly showing that we were in the right place at the right time.  For so long I’ve been afraid I was behind in life and that I wasn’t achieving what I should—or that I couldn’t.  But as we sat together in this discussion, it was clear that, while I wish we had done this sooner, we were still on the right path and we were where we needed to be.

The idea that we are stuck is a challenging one to reconcile at times because there are outside influences that we need to mitigate and manage with our own mindset.  Like, are we stuck because of some force of nature or is it the force of our thoughts.  Either way, if we feel stuck we have to find a way to keep going.  Sure, we may need to rest, but we have to find a way to keep going.  There are always options.  I tried to convince myself for a long time that I didn’t know what was going on around me, that I needed someone to tell me what to do.  At the same time I wanted the freedom to call my own shots all the time but when it came to it, I was paralyzed.  I don’t know if it was some deep-seeded fear of getting things wrong or if it was somehow an avoidance of responsibility, but it was easier to say that I didn’t know what to do and do nothing than it was to make a decision and have to start all over if something went wrong.  I mean, sure people want to make the right choice at the right time but I waited for the answer.  I’ve spoken before about wishing I’d been braver and taken chances when I was younger because that would have shown me and helped me develop trust in myself.  I was stuck in the mud but the mud was my own thought process and fears.  I didn’t trust my decisions.  Yet, with no real confirmation or explanation of where these feelings were coming from, over and over again I’ve found support that I’m exactly where I need to be. 

The truth is wherever we are is exactly where we need to be.  We can’t be anywhere other than where we are right now and we arrived there because of our decisions and actions.  I’ve been the source of my own delays and “misses” because I couldn’t tell if it was for me or I convinced myself that it wasn’t from lack of confidence.  The message I continually share is that we need confidence to believe that we are making the right choices, that we know ourselves.  My husband is on his own journey to find out his own connection to things and I can’t rush that—I find myself excited and pushing when I see him on the right path because it’s always easier to see the success of someone we know from the outside.  And when we are in a relationship, our thoughts and actions impact the other person so it’s natural to want both parties to do well.  When those paths come together, all energies intertwine and influence the other.  The fact that we found this group and we came in with the topics we need is a clear indication that we are where we need to be, together and individually.  The next step is to address those things, take action on the signs we’re given knowing that will push us forward on this journey.  We are never behind—we are always exactly where we need to be. 

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays.  Sure, I love the food and the football, but the meaning of the day, perhaps while not on par with its origins, means something.  Gathering people in the same space to reflect on the year, to appreciate the work and effort and take part in the harvest truly is a gift.  It is truly something to be thankful for.  It has been life changing to come out on the other side of massive shifts that have happened this year and I know I’m not alone in this.  So often it feels like being between the plates of the Earth as they shift or at the point where two waves meet—they’re not really fighting but their power comes from all sides and it can take us under.  The sheer force of it feels like we simply can’t take it.  Yet somehow, we are always pulled through because we are all here to live another day. 

Life is tumultuous and we are taught to go it alone as if it’s some marker of our own strength to endure our own personal Hells in solitude.  We feel guilt for things going our way or for wanting them to go a certain way.  We feel guilt when we win or when we lose.  We put this pressure out there to meet expectations set by no one in particular yet we act as if our life depends on it.  And we come out on the other side.  So on this day I want us to truly think about it: change requires pressure.  The formation of a diamond, a mountain, the birth of an idea, truly giving birth, all of these things require pressure to breach that final divide between thought and reality.  Life can change that quickly—we are caught in that undertow unable to see or breathe and suddenly the waves calm and we float.  Suddenly we see what we were looking for.  Suddenly it all makes sense.

On this Thanksgiving, I can’t help but feel grateful, even for that storm.  I can’t say I’m fully out of the murky weather but the truth is, I see that light, I feel the waves calming.  I understand there isn’t much I can do other than go with it.  I may have been brought under but I haven’t drowned and I am reaching safe harbor within myself.  Thanksgiving isn’t about being grateful for our things, it’s about being grateful for life itself.  Being grateful for the pressure that brings about necessary changes, for the reaping of the seeds we planted and tended to.  Having gratitude for those around us because we know not one minute of this life is guaranteed.  There’s a lot of craziness in this world that causes enough chaos as it is so we truly don’t need to add to our own burden of additional pressure and fears.  There are some storms we cannot control. But we can learn to ride them out.

For the last several years I’ve been seeking change that I very deeply wanted.  I was very deeply attached to the idea of it as well.  I started to envision life differently, knowing there was another side to the crap I was choosing to live in every day.  This year I took action toward what I wanted rather than continue to settle in the middle of crap that I could easily walk away from.  I was given an opportunity that I do not take for granted.  I needed to become something else to get where I wanted to be.  It’s uncomfortable, still to this day I feel out of place to a degree, like it’s still not quite me.  Yet here I am.  I’m closer to the vision I saw and I am so thankful for the people who have been with me on this journey, for the fruits I’m seeing after the effort of the last decade in particular.  I’m thankful for understanding that repeating mistakes doesn’t make us failures, it means that there is safety in something we know and we have to learn to find that safety within ourselves. I’m thankful to be alive, for the people in my life, for the connections that I knew I needed but couldn’t close the gap.  I’m thankful to be in a position where I can help, where I can slow down to understand the big picture and my role in it.  I’m grateful to put aside my own ego and start following the guidance that was there all along. 

If you’re reading this, that means you’ve been given the gift of life, the gift of time to find connection and purpose, to get closer to understanding yourselves and those around you.  I know on most days it’s easy to fall into the habits we’ve taught ourselves and we get caught up in the routine and the distraction thinking we are living—I know I don’t spend every day in this type of gratitude.  But I feel like we CAN.  Even if it’s not all day, we should always take a few minutes to take it in, take perspective and realize that most of what we do is filler—we don’t need to put so much weight on it.  This day shouldn’t be the only day we share what we are grateful for and it certainly isn’t the only day to be grateful for.  I think that’s what we’ve lost sight of.  We’ve been trained that it’s only the big moments that matter yet I’ve seen people who got exactly what they thought they wanted yet they still felt lacking because it wasn’t what they thought.  We need to see the little moments as the miracles they are and take pleasure in the joy of experiencing life.  We need to be grateful for the stories we’ve told, the stories we’ve told, the stories we will tell—and be grateful that we can start a new story at any time.  So be grateful.  Be happy for the successes all around, both personal and for others.  Choose to sit in joy rather than the dark.  The fact that we can see the light is truly something to be grateful for.    

The other day I was present for a talk on  complementary goals in terms of partnership.  We find the person we think we’re meant to be with and we need to think in terms beyond attraction.  The purpose of a relationship is beyond physical—it truly is a contract between people on many levels. Agreeing on the type of life they want to create, the experiences they want, what family means, what values they hold, the things they want to achieve, the importance and order of those goals, what the relationship itself looks like in terms of how they treat each other and how they show each other what matters.  So when it comes to creating and establishing partnership, it’s not just a matter of physical connection and attraction—it’s a covenant to bring out the best versions of each other, to help each other become the best that each person can be.  There is no implied ownership that my good is caused by you nor is my downfall, but rather, we have goals and desires and drive in life that brings us together and helps us excel together. 

I’ve felt like I needed to go it alone for a long time—the people I thought I could rely on proved to not be reliable.  The ones I loved and I could count on moved away.  But the part about partnership we don’t talk about enough is our relationship to self.  It’s in knowing ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be swayed that we find who we are and what our goals are.  That’s when our partner is revealed to us.  That’s when we know what to do and we can start working with the magic of the universe to fulfill our goals and obligations—what we were meant to do.  There are certain parts of our journey that we all have to take alone and the biggest part of that is the journey toward self-understanding, awareness, and appreciation.  We need to know these things in order to understand what we need from others.  We need to know ourselves to find our people otherwise it won’t fit quite right.  Relationships take effort but it isn’t necessarily work.  It’s an energy that we decide to focus on a commonality whether a goal or the other person or something we’re trying to launch for ourselves. 

There are many beliefs about this, the sacred partner ranging from the divine, to the one and only, the love at first sight, the twin flame, the soul match.  All of these things refer to the same thing: the one who meets our energy and frequency and who helps amplify it toward the greatest it can be.  No matter what we call it, we have known inherently that we need someone or a group of someone’s to work with us.  We are not solitary creatures. The irony of it is that in order to work well with others, we have to meet ourselves and our own energy—and work with ourselves—first.  That’s the only way it works.  We can only enhance each other if we are with those who truly ignite that level of flame and passion in us as well—and we need to know what fuels us. So many people operate as if there isn’t enough energy to go around and that we are all in competition.  We’ve been trained to operate that way, to believe that there isn’t enough of anything or that someone else’s success means less for us. But the truth is when we work with each other and when we work with those who truly bring out the best in us, that success is amplified to a degree that spills over to everyone.  So in all relationships, find those who complement us and who aren’t threatened by our success.  Know ourselves well enough to know those who bring us to the top of our game and who we can do the same for.    

I tried to be relevant for so long that I lost touch with relevant was—with what I was.  I had to stop worrying about what the world was telling me that day.  I mean, yes, we need to connect with people and it’s important that we are aware of what’s happening—but it’s more important that we are able to speak on what’s relevant to us.  It matters more that we know what we’re talking about well rather than speaking on everything.  We don’t need to speak to everything.  The world doesn’t need our opinion on everything.  It’s a matter of speak when it’s important (timing) as well as an awareness of what is relevant (knowledge).  There’s a time to simply listen as well.  Our voice is a gift and we should use it, but sometimes the ears are the more potent tool.  And if the pen (word) is mightier than the sword, then like that skill, we must learn to place our words well and to use the right words at the right time.  Relevance is relative—we aren’t everyone’s cup of tea and we don’t prioritize the same things, we aren’t meant to.  We are all gifted with specific skills and if we use those skills well, we will always find ourselves in the right place at the right time—nothing forced.

People can tell when someone is doing something for the sake of being seen and they can tell when we are connected/rooted to what we’re talking about.  They can tell when we want to know something for the sake of knowing it or if we are trying to get something out of it.  We FEEL these things, even through social media and other things.  Think about watching a reel or just a post on any platform or even watching the news—we can tell immediately when something is off whether it’s something not truthful or the person just doesn’t know what they’re talking about.  And don’t even get me started on all the AI tools out there now where we can barely tell what’s real anymore.  I’m not certain why we feel the need to immerse ourselves in things that only appear to be real, that’s an entirely different discussion on the psychology of where we are at in the world today.  But there is a reason why we have instincts to tell us when something is off or a potential threat/danger—misspeaking has that potential, and forcing the matter is disingenuous.  In a world where we need truth, we find ourselves immersed in a false reality with people trying to convince us of something every day. 

We must remember our instincts.  I’m a record keeper so I know what it feels like to try and take everything in and to know it all.  I know what it’s like to feel as if we need to speak on everything to keep up and be part of the conversation.  But we are gifted with unique talent and experiences so we attain unique insight that we can share at the right time.  We are given our own history so we can learn from it and each other.  What we need to remember is the importance of knowing our arena and knowing when we have to learn something else, knowing when what we say has weight and when the lesson is what we’re there to learn.  We don’t’ need to have something for everyone, we need to share OUR message, what comes from us, and those who need it will find it.  THAT’S what matters. So here’s a quick note for today: what’s relevant is what’s present.  There’s no need to worry about TRYING to be anything—we can move through the world on the path designed for us, and with the right attention, we will always find ourselves exactly where we need to be, always on time, always with the right message.  That’s always relevant.    

I’ve always wanted to see France. I was inexplicably drawn to it from the time I was young.  The culture, the atmosphere, the country itself, it all just seemed so welcoming to me.  There was something familiar in all the things I researched and discovered, in every movie I saw that took place in France  I studied French for 7 years—I was given the Senior Medallion in French upon graduation and my classmates had often joked that my future self would be living in France starring in the educational videos we watched to learn the language.  I dreamt of visiting the entire country forever. It was somewhere I wanted to go with my husband and son for ages.  My sister has a friend who lives there and I found out she recently decided to go visit her in Paris.  Upon sharing this news, I found out my other sister also recently agreed to a trip to France in 2026.  I’m thrilled for them because it’s an amazing experience and given that opportunity, I would take it in a heartbeat—I wouldn’t begrudge that type of trip to anyone.  I felt my heart twinge a bit because I truly do want to go and I realized that the only reason I haven’t gone is because I haven’t gone.  Sure, there are some arrangements I need to make and some preparation I have to do to be able to go—but there is nothing stopping me from doing it.     

So here is the lesson: To change the fruits, we have to change the roots. The fruits are the results we see (income for example) but it all grows from roots like thoughts and emotions (a timely lesson from MindValley advertising).  I’ve told myself for ages that I can’t go because I couldn’t afford it.  That I wouldn’t know what to do.  That I might be able to afford to go alone but I would never go alone.  That I was afraid of flying over there.  This isn’t just about the fruit of taking a trip to France, this is about the entirety of how I view life.  I allow myself to be distracted and bogged down and overworked, constantly taking on new projects, not raising my hand enough when I feel like I’m drowning.  So I come very near to drowning before I come to my senses and put my foot down.  I built a narrative around the idea that I couldn’t step away from the life I’ve built here—the work I do, my home, my parents and that I couldn’t afford it.  That has bled over into the every day as well.  I get myself so stuck in work and projects that even the local trips I want to take are constantly pushed back. I constantly put my life on hold for one responsibility or another. I admittedly like to see all my ducks in a row, it makes me comfortable but the only guarantee we have is this moment.  We don’t have to have all those ducks in a row—some ducks move slower than others and some are ready to fly off.  Some like to waddle into the wall.  Some like to splash in the pond.  The point is nothing will ever fully align perfectly to make me feel comfortable.  So I need to be comfortable with doing what calls to me.   

So when we want to change something around us, the first thing we must do is look inwardly.  There have been a few instances lately of people doing things I’ve always wanted to do (writing, travel, certain local experiences) and I could definitely mope about it.  But I choose to see this as the energy I’m seeking is close to me.  The opportunities are at hand if these people are in my proximity doing the things I’m wanting to do.  We have to go in to get out and we must find what our roots are currently being fed.  Everything we see is a reflection of some previous thought or idea or belief we had.  We can’t move forward toward growth and change if we hold onto the same things we always did.  I know this message isn’t new but I felt, as we head into the end of the year, that it was an appropriate reminder.  This year has flown by and it feels like I could barely catch my breath in this last quarter.  I know that I wasn’t able to be as attentive and present as I wanted to be so some of my work hasn’t been what I thought it would be.  I know moving forward that I don’t want to get bogged down again, taken under by an endless to-do list and distraction.  I know the world will move on even if I don’t meet that deadline.  And I know that the experience of France is waiting for me at the right time and it will be exactly what I need it to be.  I just need to water those roots a bit more.