Continuing our discussion from yesterday, we limit our beliefs because we don’t trust ourselves.  We don’t trust ourselves because we don’t keep our word to ourselves—and that word can be about anything.  We stop exercising or we stay at the draining job or we don’t meal prep or we don’t fill the car with gas after work or we don’t finish cleaning.  Keeping our word to ourselves means holding ourselves accountable to the decision we made.  When we are accountable and see things through we know we are capable of the task.  When we believe and know what we are capable of, anything becomes possible because we know we can develop the skills needed to do anything.  Trust in ourselves is key because we need to know that we can rely on our abilities.  When we can rely on our own ability, we feel safe enough to attempt something and know that even if it doesn’t work out that we will still be safe.  That it’s ok if it doesn’t work out because it isn’t life or death—we can try again.  “Failure” doesn’t mean the same thing it used to when we were fighting for survival.  Failure is literally an opportunity to try something different.

Learning to trust ourselves starts with honoring who we are and getting clear on what we want.  It’s too difficult to keep our word if we are doing things we don’t believe in or that aren’t aligned with who we are.  That isn’t to say there aren’t valuable lessons in doing things for the sake of helping people or learning a new skill just to keep sharp.  But when we operate from who we are, those decisions are clearer and make it easier to honor our word because it’s coming from the core.  It gets confusing because we are also trained to be nice and to do things for others that may not be good for us because we want those people to like us.  Then we create stories about why we can’t help when we should have simply said no in the first place.  People pleasing is dangerous, helping is valuable.  Don’t confuse the two.  If we want to create trust, help others, if we want to create resentment and learn to skulk away from life, continue to people please.  Either way, don’t allow the outside influence who we are at our core.

The goal of life is expansion—expansion of emotion, of space, of ideas and creativity, of experiences, of connection.  In order to step into that expansiveness, we need to trust that even in the unknown we are capable.  We need to know what we can do and we need to know that we WILL do it.  That all starts with clear decisions and follow through.  If we have a vision of who we are or of who we want to be, then we need to decide that is who we are and we need to operate as that person to move forward.  Do what we say we will do and life starts to change.  We create momentum and we see results and suddenly new avenues open up and we decide to follow that.  It’s all about mindset and committing to that vision we have and deciding to keep our word.  Knowing we are capable and showing ourselves we are capable are two different things.  Showing is about results, telling is about spinning.  Choose carefully.  Make the commitment and keep our word and watch life change. 

Imagine the version of yourself that does everything they say they will do.  The version that’s willing to take a risk, and not care what others think.  That is a powerful person.  That is someone focused on their goal and doesn’t allow outside influences or distractions to alter the course.  That is someone who understands time and knows how to break down tasks.  Someone who keeps their word, especially to themselves exhibits a discipline few have but we are all capable of.  I know this because I spent decades of my life in victim mode, complaining that everyone else was the cause of my misery or misfortune.  It took me at least two decades to realize that the reason I wasn’t getting anywhere was two fold: I struggled to make a decision and I rarely followed through when I did.  I couldn’t decide because the options were overwhelming and I didn’t want to miss out.  I couldn’t follow through because I was easily distracted or I’d think it wasn’t working too soon—the moment I felt something was off I’d get scared and give up.

I see now that part of that was also conditioning to the pressure of society where if I didn’t meet their standards I was a failure, and the other part was biological/chemical.  Society makes people believe if they aren’t perfect then they aren’t worthy or their venture isn’t worthy so I’d jump ship really quick to go back to what I knew.  Then there was the anxiety and depression I couldn’t control.  As soon as I’d give up (for a legitimate reason or not) I’d spiral into hating myself.  That mentality is a huge step back for anyone trying to reach a goal.  But I’ve learned to flip that around.  Instead of feeling like a failure, I’ve learned to see that it’s an opportunity for evaluating and deciding differently.  I don’t have to be quick to dismiss anything, I can choose again and that choice is to approach from a different angle or to let it go—because there are times when things aren’t for us and letting go is the best option.  But if we decide to keep going and we see it through, that reward is infinitely greater than stopping.

I want to touch on the power aspect of this again.  Psychologically, when we complete tasks we get a dopamine rush.  When we continue a task that has proved challenging and we see that through, it’s even greater.  The point of a challenge is to expand and expansion is the goal of life overall—we are meant to create space.  The more we rise to the challenge, the more expansive life becomes because there are more options.  The other part of completing a difficult task is establishing trust in our abilities.  We learn how to accomplish certain things and we know we are able to do more and we can build on that and create new things beyond that as well.  As I’ve said in other pieces, it isn’t about power over other people, it’s about power over our minds and actions to create, to take what is in our minds and make it real.  We have the ability to become entirely different people by making different decisions.  Committing to ourselves and our vision, seeing it through, is what makes that happen.  Trust for ourselves means we are more discerning in our choices and where we spend our energy so being someone who sees things through is important.  Imagine what life would look like if we all saw things through.  Then start with ourselves.

Patience means that you already trust that it will happen.  I always imagined patience as something slightly manipulative.  Like there was this carrot at the end of a string with something I wanted that I would get if I could sit there and do what I was told long enough.  Honestly I HATED patience.  All the energy in my body demanded movement and flow and immediate action—the furthest thing from sitting there pretending to be willing to wait.  And what was even more irritating was seeing other people getting what I thought I would receive for doing the same thing they were.  What was I doing wrong?  Why wasn’t I worth what they were doing?  After all, I’d done the same thing if not more.  It felt like a constant test I was failing and something that existed to point out the inequity in life.  I mean, I’d done the time to earn things, and there were certainly people who had waited longer than me—so why couldn’t we get what those who had done less “earned”?  No, patience was not my friend. 

All of that puts patience as a reward based thing—we aren’t being patient because we are patient, we are patient because we think we will get something out of it.  The reality is, sometimes we have to be patient because there are different pieces falling into place.  Some of us are working on a 48 piece puzzle while others have a 4800 piece puzzle.  The latter takes longer to put together and may be more detailed.  Time is irrelevant and the things that are meant for us will find us in their time.  We can’t rush the timeline of our lives.  It isn’t about getting what is “due” to us, it’s about knowing it’s there and it will reveal itself at the right time.  Patience isn’t about the reward, it’s about our ability to focus the lens like we talked about and see what we are putting together.

To this day I am still not a patient person—I wake up and hit the ground running and constantly have an endless task list, and yes, I still want to get what I want now (because why wait, really?).  But hearing that viewpoint, that we trust it will happen on its own timeline, did change my perspective.  Patience isn’t about getting a thing or receiving a reward.  It’s knowing that life flows in its own rhythm and we are part of it. Living is the reward.  We get to do what we want while we are here and we can choose to fuss and fret over the things we lack or we can appreciate the beauty of life as it is and go with it.  We are here either way and we can choose our experience of it.  The longer we mope about how many pieces we have, the longer it takes to put it together.  Just do the work and all will come together when it’s meant to—it’s all there waiting for us to reveal it.

In photography, we adjust and manipulate the lens and change the focus until we create the version of the image we look to capture.  You choose the lens—sometimes you have to change the zoom or the angle.    The same is said about life.  We choose what we focus on.  We can zoom in tightly and focus only on what’s in front of us, or we can take a wide lens and see the big picture.  Sometimes the moment is rough and we feel deep in it, like we are held under while everything else around us thrives.  Other times we are the zen, the focus while there is chaos around.  We choose to see the beauty or the burden of the moment.  We’ve spoken about choosing our thoughts and this is the core of the concept: shift our focus and we shift our thoughts on what we are seeing.  Sometimes we are too close to the source to see what the big picture is so our decision doesn’t encompass all the options or information.  Sometimes we are pressured by outside sources because they benefit from us making an uninformed decision when we don’t have that information. 

The world we currently operate in benefits when we don’t have the information or when it pressures us to choose with limited information.  We are often forced to make snap decisions because of how quickly this world moves and we are trained that if we don’t move now we are going to miss out.  That’s an unnecessary pressure we place on ourselves and that we allow society to place on us and that time pressure isn’t true.  If we master the ability to slow down and really observe where we are and make sure we see the whole picture, we give ourselves the opportunity to choose differently.  We are able to see the bigger picture and make a better decision.  The world does indeed move quickly, but it ironically gives us all the time we need.  Think about those moments of aligned inspiration and creativity—the time flows differently there, suddenly moving quickly but slowly all at the same time.  It is all the time we need.  We can decide if we are moving fast or slow and we can set the limit/boundary on our need to make better decisions by taking our time.

This whole life is one magnificent game where we get to create all of the events and things we want in our lives.  We were given a giant playground with all the materials and resources we could ever need and a mind that allows us to take those things and turn them into something else.  We were given ideas and thought and emotion and love and purpose and all of those things are infinitely more important to focus on than any manufactured crap that is put out there designed to make us forget who we are or think a certain way.  We choose the course of our lives through love and patience and honoring who we are.  We choose what we experience through what we feel and how we feel influences how we see the world.  We can always choose to be down or depressed about the bad things that happen—because sometimes bad things do happen.  Or we can choose to be empowered and take up the mantle of our purpose and enjoy creating the life we are meant to have—we can see the joy of being the calm in the storm and all of the doors that open for us. Choose your lens. 

Today I am grateful for purpose.  I’ve spent a lifetime trying to find my purpose and what I really want to do when I “grow up” so to speak.  I’ve struggled to maintain what I am “supposed” to do with what I want to do.  As I’ve worked through my journey toward self-love and acceptance, I’ve written over and over again about the importance of following joy and taking risks.  Sometimes life gives us nudges in the right direction and other times it shoves us directly on our path.  This past week has demonstrated with complete clarity that my purpose is not just something I’ve suspected, it’s real.  Always trust your intuition and follow your own rhythm.  Know that the pieces always come together when you follow your own course.  I’ve had the gift of being able to share my purpose with others just over the last two days and it has been the most natural thing in my life.  I think that was the final click: nothing about it was forced.  Do what feels right, what feels good, and what brings joy.  They say find your gift and how to share it and that is your purpose.  100% fact.

Today I am grateful for support.  It’s a vulnerable thing to share new sides of ourselves with people at times. When we show who we are and people respond and show up, that is an incredible feeling.  Not to sound cliché or trite, but not only does it feel amazing to be able to support people through who you are, but it feels amazing to see them reciprocate and respond to it.  Forming that connection is a gift.  Support doesn’t just go one way.  As a people pleaser, stepping out into who I am it sometimes feels like I’m getting my sea legs when I’m sharing this information with others because I’m not used to standing on my ground, I’m used to figuring out what people want and contorting to give it to them.  But the more practice I get the easier it becomes.  You never know what people need and how your gift may help them.  People show up when you least expect it.

Today I am grateful for preparation.  I used to get mad at myself for how much time I spent preparing for things instead of just doing them.  I could talk myself out of anything just by overthinking and over-preparing.  I do think all of that trained me to be a more detailed person in general which made me sensitive to the details in others, the things people don’t share. I know it isn’t always necessary and it can definitely cause delays to prepare like that, but it has helped me be more sensitive to the potential needs of others and to learn how to cover a broad spectrum with a topic.  What used to hold me back has answered a lot of questions and it has helped me move forward into my purpose.

Today I am grateful for love.  I love my family and I love my friends and I love being able to live this life.  Things change in the blink of an eye for the good or the bad.  You never know what the next moment will bring so spending as much time in gratitude and love as possible is key.  I hate how I feel when I’m stressed, anxious, or hurt.  I hate setting unrealistic expectations of others and being disappointed.  It isn’t always easy to accept people as they are especially when you do expect a certain level of reciprocity and understanding from them.  But practice allowing people to be themselves is infinitely more freeing for all people involved than forcing them to be something they are not.  That is what love is.  It’s not quite that blind acceptance because we encourage those closest to us to do their best, but it isn’t dragging someone into something that isn’t for them.  Love is an opening an acceptance of self, of others, of time, of where we are, and of what we are able to do. 

Today I am grateful for power.  I mentioned above that in finding my purpose, things around me have become clearer.  In the last week things have happened professionally that have absolutely altered my mindset about what I’m willing to tolerate in my life.  Not to be dramatic but I’ve literally uncovered tons of things happening behind my back, specifically from people who are supposed to support and lead me in that environment.  I got angry at first because I honestly can’t believe people still do crap like this to each other.  But then I got grateful.  I’ve known for a long time that there were parts of this job that didn’t fit me and that would never align with who I am.  The fact that it was confirmed is a good thing.  I can trust my intuition.  I’m also grateful because it has not given me the opportunity and the drive, and yes, even the push I needed to focus even more intently on the things I need to be doing and to step more firmly into my power.  Not every will see our value, and if they can’t see the value, then take away the opportunity for them to put a price on you in the first place.  I’m not a commodity—I am a talented, powerful, purposeful being and I am not here to live your agenda.  I am here to own my power.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12.  Jesus, does anyone?”  Jerry O’Connell.  I LOVE this.  Yes, it’s tinged with the very nostalgia we talked about getting caught up in (and avoiding) the other day, but I think this is also resonant of the very feelings I spoke of in that piece.  We are all looking for a certain feeling from a certain time.  There was a safety in those moments we are trying to recreate whether it was with friends or with family.  But these are the people we carry with us because they were with us in our formative years.  They ARE our formative years.  they show us the way to make it through learning how to become the next version of ourselves. They saw us in our discovery and we helped find each other as well.  That is not an insignificant thing.  And nostalgia aside, those formative years are so important to our being that any symbol of safety from that time, any symbol of familiarity where someone sees us for who we are is something we can latch onto.  We feel less alone when we have someone to go through it with us.

I was never trying to say that nostalgia was all bad, I was merely trying to help people understand that it isn’t a place we can live and that we aren’t necessarily trying to relive anything, we are trying to recapture a feeling.  There are other ways to recapture that feeling than going back to how things used to be. The truth is anything can be nostalgic.  There is another truth: that we can find the safety and connection we are looking for in any moment.  We just have to be willing to be as vulnerable as we were as children.  We have to understand that we still don’t know everything even if we know more now and that this life is always a learning curve.  We deal with the cards we get and we can choose to find security in our own abilities.  Our safety is within.

When I think of the friends I had when I was 12, there are two, maybe three who are still around and I do consider myself fortunate for that.  As I’ve gone through each progression of who I am, I find that there are pieces of myself that I want to bring back.  There are pieces of myself I started exploring long ago that I feel still need to be developed and explored further.  But I don’t necessarily want to go back to who I was at that time.  There was a piece of me who wanted to perfect and redo everything I did “wrong” back then but now I know that was just a sick part of my mind who couldn’t cope with not being perfect.  But putting that shield aside, I know that all is how it was meant to be and I am grateful to be where I am now.

The truth is we can look at this moment and be grateful we have come as far as we have. It’s important to acknowledge who we were and thank that version for teaching us what we know now.  We aren’t meant to carry the burden of who we were, we are meant to move forward into who we are meant to be.  Don’t get stuck, but yes, there are things to be grateful for, there are moments we need to appreciate from the past.  There are lessons we learned that we will carry with us forever and those things will always fare us well because some of the greatest lessons we can learn we learn as children.  Allow ourselves to continue to grow and develop and always strive to keep that openness.  The world is a magical place and we create most of it in our minds.  Love it, but don’t get stuck there.  Growth is key.

How would it feel if you 100% trusted everything?  The safety, the security in the knowing that all is truly well.  Nothing could go wrong.  Nothing would disturb the peace.  Because we would understand that even the things that disturb us are meant to help us—so there is no need to be upset, no need to get worked up, no need to feel anger about things going a certain way.  It is the complete relinquishing of control and trusting/accepting that this is for the best.  That we can change our direction and that too will be for the best.  That every choice we make is what’s meant to happen.  It is the complete acceptance of the moment.  And in that acceptance we find trust.  When I think about the feeling that comes with trust, I think of safety.  I know that is one of the things I sought most in the world—being safe and secure.  I dealt with a lot of loss as a child—loss of important people in my life, siblings older than me going away to school and moving out, almost losing my siblings and my father several times.  I always wanted to make sure everyone was ok and accounted for.

I spent so much time trying to keep everything around me so I’d have some sort of security blanket that I didn’t realize how time was moving.  I tried to freeze moments because I wanted to remember how I felt—and I wanted to recapture that feeling.  I didn’t have an extremely large or stable friend group growing up and I felt ostracized most of the time so I leaned on the guidance of adults around me and I certainly became clingier than I needed to be.  I never learned to trust and learning that skill as an adult isn’t easy.  We realize that we first have to trust ourselves before we trust others and if we haven’t learned to believe in our own foundation or our ability to fly then we struggle to trust ourselves.  It’s far easier to repeat the patterns we know because we KNOW those.  We aren’t sure if we can trust ourselves.  It takes time and it takes stepping into things we aren’t certain of so we can learn to find our way back.    

As far as that feeling of trust and knowing we can find our way back to ourselves by ourselves, I imagine trust feels like a combination of confidence and like being carried.  It’s that feeling that we can handle anything and we are being held/supported at the same time.  What an amazing feeling.  I imagine that there is no worry and no fear, and that we see things with clarity and sharp focus.  I imagine that there is a new level of presence when we trust that everything around us is exactly as we need it to be because there is no trying to change what IS.  The goal isn’t about changing ourselves, it’s about loving who we are in that moment.  What a gift!!  Talk about the ultimate acceptance of who we are and understanding how connected we are to the universe and ultimately our purpose.  This is why trust is so important: we learn to navigate by our north star and to continue even when it’s hard—and any uncertainty becomes a learning opportunity.  So when we trust everything, we know we are guided.  We know we are safe and that safety allows us to be fully who we are.  How cool is that? 

It isn’t easy to swallow, but the mind was not created for happiness, it was created for survival.  This can be a tough pill to swallow.  We believe that we are meant to feel joy and happiness all the time and when we don’t have that constant euphoria, we look for other ways to get it. We indulge in distraction and activities that aren’t healthy for us thinking it makes us happy.  But the point of life isn’t strictly to be happy.  Yes, I said it.  In spite of all of our talk about finding joy and letting joy be the driver (which paradoxically still holds true) happiness is not the point of the mind.  Our brains are a powerful supercomputer but we need to remember we are still animals.  We still have primitive instincts, the most basic of which is survival.  The brain makes thousands of calculations a second to evaluate and determine if we are in danger.  The goal of the brain is to keep us alive.  All of the other chemicals that produce joy and happiness are a bonus.  Those are things that tell us we are guided in the right direction—once we are in safety.

With that being said, we need to understand that we have to program our brains.  We need to teach our brain that we aren’t in a constant battle for survival in this day and age.  We have the ability to spend our time in creativity instead of fighting off predators.  It’s a luxury to be able to focus on things that make us feel good.  Yes, there is still a lot of crap in this world, things driven by ego and greed, and some of those things are dangerous, but we can choose to do better.  The point is that we need to choose happiness in every moment.  Choose joy.  Choose love.  Surround ourselves with joy and love.  When we surround ourselves in that type of environment, we can change the course.  Finding joy and happiness becomes an exercise in determining what is good.

Survival matters above all, but we can shift the need to feel good into a purposeful event.  Life isn’t always easy, it isn’t meant to be, but we can use that good feeling to guide us toward our purpose which, in turn, can make us feel good and bring some light to the world.  Knowing the purpose of the brain is survival, we can work with that energy and learn to trust that we are safe.  Once we know we are safe then we open up entirely new worlds.  It’s a reframing of our intention that allows us to create a more purposeful life. I don’t want to mis-represent anything because I do believe that happiness is our guidepost and a good indicator that we are on the right path. But when we seek happiness over purpose, we lose sight along the way. Trust that if we do the things that keep us focused, we will find that purpose and that is a happy thing.

Life throws curveballs all the time.  We mistake getting caught in the moment for presence when the reality is being present means we never get caught in anything.  We also mistake distraction for presence.  For example, scrolling social media or binge watching episodes of shows isn’t being present.  That’s escaping to another world—and there is NO judgement there.  Honestly there’s a time and place for that.  Our brain has a need to detach and indulge in distraction every now and then.  But the brain isn’t meant to stay there.  So now we pose a question about presence: What if you woke up only with what you said you were grateful for yesterday?  Presence requires a state of awareness for how we feel and appreciating the moment we are in.  It isn’t to say we attach to the moment or the feeling, but we allow ourselves to feel it all the same.

If all we have left is what we said we were grateful for, what would life look like?  Would life become smaller?  Or would it become expansive?  Suddenly things we didn’t think about or things we took for granted become important.  If that list is what we are appreciative of, suddenly we look around us with laser focus.  We see the good in what we have.  We acknowledge our accomplishments.  We recognize and honor our abilities.  We have room for those we love—and the petty differences fade away.  What about time and how we spend it?  We’ve been taught that money is an important commodity but the truth is the most valuable currency we have is time.  That is something that once spent we can’t get back.  So take the time to develop that appreciation for life and understand the curveballs aren’t meant to derail us, they are meant to signal to us what’s important.