There is no normal, just an ability to cope with life. There may be “accepted” ways to deal with life, but there comes a point for all of us where what is accepted and what works for us can be different things. We tend to feel out of sorts or not normal if we aren’t doing things the accepted way but the reality is our ability to cope with day to day life and the common stressors determine how normal we feel. It isn’t that we deal with it the same way, it’s that we learn to regulate ourselves to what feels normal for us. Just remember that normal is relative and will look different for all of us. There are times the day to day isn’t easy for anyone so it’s important to remember that we aren’t the same people and that we will react differently to the same stimuli. If we are getting by and making it happen (whatever it is) then we are good, that’s enough even if it doesn’t look that way.
So this goes back to what I opened with—there is no normal, just an ability to cope with life. If we are making progress, that’s all that matters. There is no expectation of perfection, just steady movement on a trajectory toward a goal. Some days it may seem like all we can do is cope—this life gets overwhelming easily. If we are making it through the day with kindness and grace for ourselves and others and we see progress in the long run, it doesn’t matter what that journey looked like. Trust that we are in the right place at the right time and all is happening for a reason. All is well and all serves to get us where we need to go. The amazing thing is once we reach that point, it isn’t about coping with life, it’s just living.
Trust the process. Take care of ourselves and trust the process. This thought literally popped into my head after a night of anxiety about some decisions I made. Ironically, I made those decisions with the utmost clarity and intention, knowing the purpose was different, but after a few days, the old thoughts and fears crept into my head. After that night with the old messages, I woke up with some of the fear thoughts still spinning, but this popped in after the fog cleared. Sometimes it doesn’t look like what we want is coming or it looks like the mountain is significantly larger than we thought. That doesn’t mean we need to stop. Sure, there are times we may need to rest, but we don’t need to stop. In fact, those are the moments where, once we’ve established our resolve, that it’s key to push forward. We have this idea of how things will look but we don’t always see the details of the journey to get there. Sometimes we just have to keep the course and do what we were doing.
This is another reminder on focus. I could have chosen to stay with the fear and immediately reverted to my old ways, figuring out how to get out of what I did, feeling sorry for myself for repeating these patterns. Instead, I recognized that I keep coming back to this place for a reason, this pattern keeps happening for a reason. I’m meant to follow through on it, not run away from it. I’m meant to learn from this and share this message with people. I’ve come to the conclusion that I wouldn’t have continually been brought back here if there wasn’t some lesson I needed to learn. I believe that lesson is follow through and having the courage to keep going. This is part of the process and there is a point when you have to let go of the old in order to let the new in. That means doing something different in the course of a pattern.
I truly don’t know where that voice came from that told me to trust the process and take care of myself. But I’m glad it happened because it was the first time that I heard something that encouraging rather then something telling me it was time to give up and retreat to safety. I know I’ve looked for comfort and safety most of my life, but this is about something bigger. This is about creating something lasting for other people as well—this is about ensuring their safety in the foundation of who they are as much as in myself. Going back to what I’ve always done will not get me there—and it won’t work for anyone else either. We talked about how it isn’t the fear of the unknown, rather it’s the fear of letting go of the known. The unknown eventually becomes known so it isn’t a matter of not wanting to move forward, it’s about losing the feeling we had about something before. If we learn to trust and have faith and focus on the progress forward, we eventually get to that state again. We are expansive beings so the goal isn’t to sit in one spot and hope things come our way. We are meant to create that space and that is a process. Being anxious over what that looks like won’t help get there. But believing in who we are and knowing we will get there through love and care is enough. Keep moving forward even when it’s scary. The limit does not exist so push beyond it and let the new come rushing in.
Control your attention. Choose good, choose faith, choose action aligned and toward purpose. I speak from experience when I say I know how hard it is to believe we can control our attention. Between people pleasing, ADD, anxiety, and a creative streak, I was constantly at the mercy of where my thoughts wanted to go. Doing this work and learning about how much is in our control and how we can work with our thoughts to create a different path, I understand this differently now. Not to say that I’ve mastered it by any means, but I understand the importance and the purpose of controlling our thoughts. We can’t collapse ourselves into the emotion we are currently feeling. Emotions are often temporary and they are reactive. When we control what we focus on, our attention shifts and our emotions change. Even if we learn to focus on a new aspect of something we are working on, the way we feel changes and new ideas come out.
We have the ability to decide where we want our attention to go. Like we discussed yesterday, we get to choose our hard. We can choose to be the victim or the victor. We can choose to focus on what is good or what is bad. The more we focus on the good, the more good finds its way into our lives. I know it seems like an oversimplification of life. There are a ton of caveats and exceptions and we all have our own experiences and we certainly all have the external factors and distractions and things we need to get by day to day. But once we eliminate some of that noise and distraction, we can get to the foundation of who we are and know where we want to go—then we can decide to focus on what it takes to get there.
This also goes back to the lens we discussed a couple of weeks ago. There may be good and bad in all we do, in all facets of what comes our way. We get to choose if we focus on that good or bad. Focusing on the bad is necessary at times because we need to focus on how to fix/resolve the issue. But when we focus on the good in the difficult situation, more solutions come. If we wallow in the negative and constantly lament what has happened to us (if we stay in victim mode) then we never move forward. Good doesn’t know how to thrive in the bad. It’s our job to provide a light for it to happen, and that eventually spreads to create more light and more growth. All from focusing on the good. It’s always our choice. All of it. We have a giant supercomputer between our ears and we get to determine how we program it. Feed it with good, believe in good, have faith and focus on our purpose. The rest will take care of itself.
Choose your hard. I just want to send a little reminder that we get to choose our hard. Exactly as we get to choose our thoughts on a day to day basis, we get to choose our hard. We get to choose the battles we face and we get to choose if we consider it a battle at all. There are consequences to everything we do, some are more positive than others. Some are more in line with the results we anticipated than others. Other times, if we aren’t aligning our actions with what we say we want, we end up further off the course. Both scenarios are hard. It’s challenging to stick with something we’ve decided we want because we have to decide to commit every day regardless of what happens. It’s also hard to not commit because we delay the results we were looking for. When we choose not to do something, it can look like laziness, but it’s still hard because we are working to avoid the work. The point is there is going to be some level of effort regardless of which action or inaction we decide to take.
The other point is that it IS a choice. We get to decide what we do or do not do. We get to choose the struggle or challenges we want to face. We get to decide to take action now or later. Becoming who we are is work and staying the same is also work. Decide how we want to spend our energy because that will determine the reality we see. Life isn’t about avoiding hard, it’s about choosing what we want to face. Brene Brown calls it deciding which shit sandwich we want to eat. No matter what we choose there are hard parts, but we can decide the level of hard we want to deal with. We get to decide what challenges we want to face. The more aligned we are, the challenges will seem less challenging. So make the choice.
Today I am grateful for new beginnings. Sometimes it takes a while to truly believe we can stand on our own two feet. It takes a while to trust our bearings and believe we know what’s best for us or to trust that all is working out for the best, or even to believe in our intuition. Sometimes we need someone to believe in us before we fully believe in ourselves. Those people can come out of nowhere. Ironically even if you haven’t been the connector before, you may be the starting point for a group of people to come together. The truth is sometimes for things to begin, you simply have to begin. There is no other way. We can’t always see that far down the road and we may need to be content with one step at a time. We just have to trust that we know which step to take and that no matter the outcome, it is the right one.
Today I am grateful for new beginnings. Yes, it’s a repeat but from a different angle 😊. I’ve learned that in order to truly move on and get where we want to go that we need to release all that we’ve held on to. We need to form new relationships with ourselves and with others. If something is lacking in our lives then chances are what we are doing or the environment we are in isn’t able to provide that for some reason. Those are the times we need to dig deep and then expand out. It isn’t the time to do things in the same way. People are social animals and forming real relationships these days is difficult to say the least. We’ve lost the ability to communicate and say what we mean and so many people intentionally misunderstand or want to play the victim, so when the chance to form real relationships comes, it’s a gift. Sometimes we need new people to show us our real selves and we will be surprised how genuine they can be.
Today I am grateful for memories. We started what I think will become a new tradition in our house. Our son’s school starts after Labor Day so we decided to throw a party for his friends. We had an amazing time, there were tons of people, lots of laughter, good food, good conversation, and amazing memories for all of us, all around. I spend a lot of time focused on work and different projects but seeing all of the kids together and seeing the parents made me realize how important it is to stay in this moment. These kids are literally growing before our eyes (something I already had issues with) so the ability to bring everyone together to celebrate being young a little bit longer is a gift. I know my son was happy in that moment and I hope it’s something he will carry with him.
Today I am grateful for releasing fear. I’ve put a ton of pressure on myself lately to leap into this new way of being all while keeping one foot in the old. I actually didn’t realize how much of myself was still clinging to the old. As time moves on, I realize with absolute clarity that I can’t do both—I can’t be in both worlds. I’ve spoken before about not being able to straddle both worlds because eventually the tracks get too wide and we’d split. We can’t say that we want one thing and still do the things that keep us or resonate with the old way of being. Real trust and advancement come when we let go of fear and we start aligning with who we are. That trust comes when we allow the old ways to shed, when we release what we were in favor of who we are. We can’t jump into the new while still holding the weight of the old. Release and embrace the new.
Today I am grateful for time. I see now that time isn’t the enemy, rather, poor use of time is the enemy. We can be very intentional with our time. The magic is we don’t have to do anything that we are told to do, nothing that is expected of us. We can stray off of the normal path and still have a remarkable life. In fact, being able to create a life off of the path and that is entirely our own will make it even more remarkable. It stands that if we want something no one else has we have to be willing to do what no one else will. Plus we have to accept that our measure of success is or may be different than someone else’s. That’s how it’s meant to be. The idea of scarcity and things running out is predicated on the idea that we all want the same thing. But when we are honest about what we want and we start pursuing something that’s entirely our own, we see the world is abundant and there is room for all of us to achieve what we seek. We have plenty of time if we follow the path meant for us, otherwise it’s just a waste. Use time well, in ways we see fit, in ways that align with us, and the issue of running out of time will never bother us again.
“Sometimes it isn’t about the fear of the unknown, it’s about the fear of the known coming to an end,” Ashmi Pathela. As we spoke about yesterday, there comes a time when we realize that we can no longer be who we are. Sometimes we see that who we are simply isn’t a fit, or that it doesn’t align with who we are meant to be. In either case, similar to what we spoke about yesterday, there comes a time when we have to move on. We are meant to evolve and nothing lasts forever. The more we hang onto something that has served its purpose, the more painful the experience. As someone with a keen affinity for nostalgia and holding onto things, I know this is extremely difficult. It’s like we don’t want to lose that connection or memory so we hold onto the reminder as long as we can. The issue is that the mind can’t distinguish a thought from reality so the longer we hold onto things that no longer serve, the longer we keep ourselves in that state.
There is also this connection between nervous and excited—the brain can’t tell the difference between nervous and excited. I often think there is a similar connection between fear and the unknown. We are animals so anything unknown has the potential to harm us, that’s why we are trained to fear it/be cautious. But there are times when it really isn’t that we don’t know what will happen, it’s more that we had a real connection or love for how things were and we may have thought they were working so letting it go is hard. We are just a little sad it’s over. Naturally there is a comfort in the way things were because it was predictable, but even if we move forward with eyes open and understanding where we are going, it can be…sad. There’s also an anxiousness about whether or not we will feel that way again. If we give it up, will we get it back?
The truth is that sometimes, no, we won’t get it back. Who we are becoming isn’t who we were so the same environment/responses/feelings will not serve—we can’t go back to that in the process of evolution. But there are times that we get something greater. We find contentment in a new way of doing things and it’s even better because it’s more authentically aligned with who we are. Rather, we have aligned more authentically with it. In looking for the security we once felt, sometimes we find a new level of security in our abilities. Growth means taking a step off the limb to see that we can fly. No matter how we look at it, things do come to an end. The natural passing of time sees to that on its own. Whether we understand it or not, things do not stay the same—and that’s a good thing. When we appreciate what has been, we learn to integrate it into who we are becoming, and then we can lovingly and confidently step into the next phase.
I’ve mentioned before we are a Marvel family and we finally watched Guardians of the Galaxy 3 the other night. The level of depth in these stories never ceases to amaze me. It may look like a super hero movie on the surface, but they’re really about recognizing the power in each of us. Yes, there are the typical super-hero archetypes filled with tragedy and triumph, the sometimes cliché concept of good versus evil, and the predictable rise and fall of the protagonist as they almost fail and come back. In spite of all of that, the way these stories cut to the core of who we are goes beyond the “standard” super hero. It becomes about creation and self-discovery as well as the loss of who we thought we were and having to rebuild that. There’s the underlying concept of family being what we make it and the very real need for connection—as well as the idea that connection can be found in the least expected of places. Finally there’s the idea that we don’t always know who people really are and their character reveals itself when we least expect it—you never know what someone went through to get where they are.
No, I’m truly not plugging Marvel, but the ideas of self-discovery and sticking with our word and facing challenges we didn’t think we would survive is right in line with what we’ve talked about the last few weeks. For this story in particular, the message ultimately is that we are meant to step into who we are—and that where we come from doesn’t have to be an indicator of who we are or where we’re going. In this story, we learn that nothing lasts forever, we are meant to evolve. Everything has a season and a reason and we are meant to flow with it. Growth and change can be scary and painful, but staying the same when we have become something else is even more painful. It’s ok to evolve and become aligned with who we are in this moment—we are meant to do just that. Knowing who we are and being that version of ourselves is more important than being who others think we are. There’s a little bit of everything inside of us: a warrior, a thief, a hero, a villain, a genius, a teacher, a saint. We aren’t one thing, we are all things.
While we may not be super-heroes, I don’t know one person who can’t relate to these concepts. Even the idea of building confidence by trying scary things, the idea of sticking with our word, the idea of follow through no matter how scary—that’s all demonstrated in these movies. It’s easy to see where people get caught up in them. There is something inherently relatable in all of it that has nothing to do with power. No, we relate to the human elements more than the super-hero yet we see we have the capacity to be great, each and every one of us. The work of self-discovery and the commitment to becoming all that we are is by no means an easy feat. It’s a daily reminder that we have to choose who we are—and who we will be–and stay the course. It’s putting away distraction and dealing with what’s right in front of us even if we don’t want to (or think we can’t). The point is we can determine which way the story goes. We can choose growth or comfort but we can’t have both—but we can be comfortable with the growth. No matter how scary it gets, choose our path. Choose who we are meant to be. There’s a little superhero in all of us buried in that humanity. It’s a beautiful thing.
“Confidence means doing scary things. Every time you don’t do them you’re telling yourself you can’t and that every inaction means you play small,” unknown. This is an alchemy of the concepts we’ve been talking about the last two weeks. Follow through, keeping our word, directing our thoughts, managing our energy, and keeping our focus. When we stop following through on things or when we “let ourselves off the hook,” we set the precedent that we don’t have to complete tasks we don’t like. As adults that’s entirely our prerogative. We don’t need to finish anything we don’t want to. But what does that do for the trajectory of our lives or our psyche? If we don’t follow through we always have a way out and we learn to play the victim. We don’t hold ourselves accountable and we never learn what we can do. We’ve put the lid on our own jar and we’ve convinced ourselves that we can only jump so high (that’s a reference to my flea talk from a while back).
I know I was taught that confidence had a certain look to it, a certain behavior. Like it was this nebulous idea of power over something or running the show but that’s only part of the picture. Confidence is more about our ability to evaluate and handle situations. It’s also about trusting ourselves to navigate and follow through on difficult situations. That can be scary. But when we do it and we make it through, we learn that it isn’t so scary after all. We learn that we are capable of more than we thought we were and we train our brain in a new way. Suddenly we see that we can do things we may not have thought possible before. The more we do it, the more we are willing to try again. The best part is that we learn more skills along the way so we become even more capable as we learn new things—which in turn builds more confidence.
It isn’t just about confidence, it’s about building new neural pathways. It’s about rewiring the brain and the simple fact is that we can only change who we are or achieve new goals by doing things we haven’t done before. Confidence is about trying new things and pushing the limits around what we knew. Confidence is stepping into the expansiveness of trying something new. It’s also creating that expansiveness by trying something new. The more we learn we are capable, the world gets bigger with new opportunity. Don’t limit ourselves. Yes, trying new things can be scary but once we see we can do them, the next new thing isn’t as scary. We are capable of so much more than we tell ourselves. Our power doesn’t come from pushing other people, it comes from understanding ourselves and putting our words and thoughts into action. Power comes from trusting ourselves and managing our thoughts. Power and confidence come from breaking our limits. Don’t play small because the only limits we have are in our minds. Do the scary things and follow through. Watch life change.
“Thinking about what you think about is crucial in life. Your thoughts are the beginning and ending of anything and everything in your life. You’ve got to develop a process for assessing what you are thinking about all the time so that you can develop the skill of…using the present moment to create a better future for yourself or experience the present with higher intentionality instead of using the mind for negative thoughts…or wishing the future was different. See that drifting into those thoughts is where you get in trouble,” Rob Dyrdek. Simply said, we get to choose our thoughts. This might be a new concept for some of you, especially my fellow ADD people pleasers. Often the world seems to move pretty quickly so the idea of controlling let alone choosing our thoughts takes a little more effort. But this is an amazing exercise in slowing things down. We can’t choose our thoughts if our minds are spinning too fast to grasp on to any of them.
I’m an overly anxious preparer most of the time so that coupled with ADD is a perfect storm of swirling thoughts that move faster than I can follow them. In general, it’s hard to control our thoughts at times because we have constant stimulation and distraction. Also, our brains are wired to follow the path of least resistance so the thoughts we think the most are the thoughts that continue to pop up. With multiple forms of constant stimuli, we are essentially fed our thoughts in so many ways that we are out of practice with slowing down to consider, really think, or choose what comes next. But when we take Dyrdek’s words and put them into a bigger concept, it changes the game. If we don’t think about where are thoughts are going, how are we going to get them where we need them to be? How can we achieve a goal if we are consistently working on different things? If we aren’t intentional with our time, how can we know if our actions are producing results toward our purpose?
I don’t claim this is an easy practice by any means—I’m not sure there’s anyone out there who would say it’s easy. However, understanding the why behind the concept makes it easier to digest. It’s simple, energy flows where focus goes; but we all know simple doesn’t mean easy. With that being said, perhaps the goal simply needs to be that we are more intent on listening to where our thoughts go. When we become more intentional and understand what our thoughts are, we can more easily guide them when needed. Breaking patterns becomes the goal and learning to change even one negative thought can change the course. We aren’t going to rewire our entire mind in one day, one night, one week, one month, and maybe not even in a year for somethings. We are talking about breaking down lifetimes of thought patterns in some cases. But having the intention to break those thought patterns will be enough to start us on the path of recognizing where we need to adjust those thoughts. Thinking about what we think about puts us on the path of thinking about where we want to go—and intentionality is how we get there. Change our thoughts, change our course. It all starts with the mind.
A reminder on keeping our word because energy flows both ways. The universe expects us to keep our word too. Last week we talked a lot about trusting ourselves and we learn to trust ourselves through honesty and through keeping our word. We establish the credibility of follow through and we know that we can do anything we say. I’ve struggled in pity land for a few days now because I’ve been waiting for a particular outcome to come through and I’ve been waiting for a significant amount of time for this. I’ve constantly heard encouragement that it’s coming and to keep my expectations high but I have yet to see this “promised” result. It has become discouraging to not see the result. That’s when this thought hit me. I still need to keep my word even when it gets hard. If I want to receive something then I need to be ready for it energetically as well as physically. I need to keep my word no matter what is happening and continue to move forward.
Energy speaks volumes. It speaks louder than our thoughts alone. Energy is determined by how we feel, yes, but it’s also determined by what we do. When we do things in conflict, the universe doesn’t know how to respond. So if we say we trust but then flinch back from challenges, that’s a mixed message. The universal energy operates on clarity, consistency, and determination. So if we build our lives on the concept that we get what we give, then that applies to our thoughts as well. We can’t think one way and act another. We can’t say we have faith that something will happen but keep running back to how it used to be. That isn’t to say there aren’t times to play it safe, rather, as an overall energy, there comes a time when we put aside the fear and keep going anyway. The universe speaks in energy, so we need to show that we’re keeping our word as well by continuing to follow through.
This is we get what we give on the most basic level as it applies to goal setting. For example, you can’t lose any amount of weight if you don’t evaluate your intake and exercise habits. We can’t say something and not take action and expect it to happen. Jump in and commit to what we say we will. It’s simply that the universe knows how to respond and what we are ready to receive based on how aligned our thoughts are with our actions. The integrity, knowing who we are and acting from that place. And sometimes even acting from who we want to be when we can’t quite see the result yet. It isn’t always easy to have unwavering faith especially when the odds don’t’ seem to be in our favor or when things continually seem to fall apart. It can be really difficult to pick up and keep going when things turn to rubble. But knowing the goal and our purpose gives us the strength to keep moving forward. That’s when the energy aligns. That’s when the universe can deliver.
The Intentional Dreamer 