“Nervous system dysregulation is the root cause of anxiety, burnout, overwhelm, and many chronic conditions,” Dr. Linnea.  At the end of the day, anxiety is a dysfunction of the nervous system.  It is the body’s response to perceived fear in a heightened, and sustained way.  This has always been a chicken or egg thing for me because any issue with the nervous system sets the groundwork for the above mentioned issues, however, if we find ourselves in burnout, overwhelm, or if we suffer a chronic condition, the nervous system will adapt to that stimuli and create anxiety.  Regardless of which came first, any issue with the nervous system has a huge impact on the entire body system.  Nothing in the body operates in isolation.  To be clear, we all have moments of overwhelm and we may even verge on burnout.  The difference is when these become sustained/chronic.  As I said, the body is highly adaptive and if the mind thinks we are in constant danger of some kind because we are constantly sending stress signals to the brain, the brain will change its pattern and stay on high alert all the time—this is the complete opposite of where we want to be.      

The body truly doesn’t like anything away from homeostasis (internal balance), and that goes for our nervous system as well.  If the body isn’t able to get back to baseline, we will feel overwhelmed and anxious.  The more sensitive we are, the more chances we have to develop dysregulation because we aren’t trained to deal with that type of stimuli and our cells literally can’t keep up with that type of processing.  Amazingly, we are still trained that this is our fault.  We blame our bodies for doing exactly what they are biologically meant to do to keep us safe.  The fact that we become dysregulated in a society with the level of pressure, distraction, disconnection, and tension we face on a daily basis is truly not a surprise.  More people suffer from this than we let on.  Think about the low-level anxiety cases we see, those who need to have a drink a night after work to calm down, or those who stress eat or watch too much TV.  Those behaviors are all coping mechanisms as well.  So, to that point, while the cause may not be our fault, the cure is our responsibility.  We have an obligation to recognize our patterns and that the response needs to be changed.

For me the idea that it was my responsibility and that I could change things gave me some hope.  For a while I had thought my overwhelm/anxiety baseline was the norm.  I knew it didn’t feel right but I genuinely believed that I couldn’t do anything about it.  I considered it my personality/my make-up.  I didn’t realize it was a dysregulation, I thought I was just wired more sensitively—like someone who has a stronger response to caffeine than others.  It didn’t dawn on me until much later that a hair-trigger response to a potential slight was too much—and also that it took a lot of energy.  Understanding that this response to all of the stimuli in the world can be adjusted gives those who deal with anxiety, burnout, and overwhelm a sense of power.  Ultimately when we feel these things that put us in a dysregulated state, we are out of control.  We are subject to whatever we feel in the moment and no one is meant to run that range of emotion for an extended period of time. When we feel dysregulated, when we are looking to others or outside things to make us feel better, pause.  Breathe.  Ask if this is how we want to feel.  If not, take the steps to move closer to how we do want to feel.  As that becomes the norm, we will have a better sense of baseline and we can respond to dysregulation faster.  Body awareness is key.  

Continuing our discussion on relationships, let’s talk the fawn response.  I briefly touched on people-pleasing yesterday and how the fear of losing people becomes greater than the fear of abandoning self.  This can lead to fawning, the strategy is to fawn, to make ourselves more appealing to the person by staying as a people pleaser.  We people please to avoid conflict and  to feel safe.  At the cellular/physical level, the nervous system sees a threat (losing someone).  In response, we feel we must forget our needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries to get acceptance in a relationship.  As discussed yesterday, the thought of being abandoned is the main fear of people-pleasers and the fawn response is the extreme end of trying to resolve perceived rejection from someone the person cares about.  Often we fall into it without even knowing it because we are trying to fight the extreme fear of being alone.  Like any behavior around people-pleasing, we don’t know how to honor who we are and we feel like doing so isn’t allowed.  In some cases, the individual on the other side of the relationship will enforce that belief by creating scenarios where the people-pleaser will do what the other person wants.

I share this because there are times we don’t recognize this behavior in ourselves.  Sometimes we feel like we are simply being nice or that the person may be right.  There are moments when that is true, where we all mis-step to some degree and we must apologize.  When we look at our pattern of behavior and if our constant response is to fawn, to give in, or submit to someone else, then we need to consider the context and content of that relationship.  If that behavior extends to others in different environments (family, friends, work, etc.) then we need to consider the context and content of our relationship to ourselves.  Outside of when it is absolutely necessary (again we all have moments of mis-step), we need to remember we are all worthy of our opinions and validation of self.  I’m referencing legitimate expression, not perceived rights to some behavior or belief.  The bottom line is that in order to have healthy relationships with others, we need to have a healthy relationship with ourself first. 

We are social creatures, we do need relationships, but we don’t need a relationship with every single person we encounter.  That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be kind and we don’t need to actively look for reasons to disagree/fight.  What it means is that we are allowed to have respect for others even if we don’t agree with them and that means we are allowed to honor ourselves as well—it’s mutual.  We don’t need a hierarchy and we need to understand that there is space for all of us.  A disagreement isn’t the end of the world, we can simply acknowledge it’s different and move on.  At the same time, a disagreement doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship, and a good relationship allows for differences.  Again, there is no hierarchy and no one has to defer to the other—there is no fawning necessary.  Breaking these habits can be challenging because we feel it on the physical level and it is a very real response.  The more we understand it, the easier it is to shift our patterns and the more we can shift patterns, the closer we become to who we are as we learn what feels right.  We are all worthy of being exactly who we are, we are all worthy of respect.   

I want to continue this week talking about emotions and human function at the cellular level.  Humans have a complex relationship with emotions and I want to spend some time this week talking about different responses and expectations of the human state.  Fear is such an autonomic response that we often feel it before we can think it.  Truthfully that is the way of most emotions—we are more responsive than proactive when it comes to what we feel.  We are taught that we have to respond to something in a certain way rather than think we have a say in how we want to feel.  We are also trained that most people feel the same way about the same thing.  We discount experience and how that shapes our reactions to life.  What bothers some is not an issue for others and vice versa.  At the base level it makes sense: emotions are designed to give us a quick review of the situation and get us out of danger if needed.  Fear in particular is complex because there is a literal safety component to it so it’s easier to confuse what is necessary with fear because some fear IS necessary.

I often share my experience with anxiety and people pleasing but this becomes a key area of focus when we talk healing, self-improvement, self-care, and self-love.  We have to accept that we can’t spend our time making others happy if we ever want to find fulfillment and purpose in our lives.  The issue with people pleasers is they fear losing everyone/all support if they aren’t somehow everything to everyone all at once.  No one wants to be a lone and to a people pleaser there is the fear they will ALWAYS be alone because their worth is tied to the acceptance of others.  Learning to make ourselves the priority feels risky, honoring our needs feels selfish, and we don’t want to risk angering anyone because we don’t want to be alone.  It takes time to get in the habit of honoring self and the first step to that is understanding our relationship to ourselves better.  The relationship we have with ourselves is by far the most important one we will ever have—we are the only one we will spend our entire lives with.  The love I discussed yesterday also needs to apply to ourselves—we are never alone.

I spent so much time thinking fear was something to be conquered when my habits and thought patterns are what needed to be trained.  Instead of automatically thinking I’d be abandoned for expressing my authentic self, I needed to accept that there were pieces of me that needed to shared.  I had to believe it was more important to find joy in the truth of my expression than it was to abandon myself for the sake of someone who could always choose to leave for any reason anyway.  While we are social creatures and we need each other, our lives aren’t contingent on one single relationship.  There is strength in partnership, but that partnership is flawed if both parties aren’t operating from truth.  The point is also that fear leads us to believe things are going to be worse than what they are—the truth is the loss of self is greater than the loss of any person.  We don’t need to spend time fighting the emotion if we spend the time accepting who we are.  Also, there is nothing to fight if we embrace who we are.

A brief reminder that surprises can show us the truth about people.

I’ve been humbled lately.  I recently heard a statement about love and sex and how women will feel love when they have sex because of the chemical response while men will have the chemical response only if they feel love for someone. It made me rethink everything about my current and previous relationships.  It made me think about what love actually means to people.  I thought I knew all the answers, I was righteous in my beliefs, I thought I was owed it all by my partner because he had wronged me before.  None of that worked.  I realized that I spent so much time trying to control him and make him change into some version that showed me love in the exact way I wanted, that I never focused on my own growth.  I was still stuck as that 17 year old girl thinking she knew it all because she was top of her class.  I wanted to be in charge, I never wanted to get hurt again, I wanted my comeuppance and justice for what had been done to me.  all that did was keep me fixated on all the wrongs in my life.  That kept me in a state of who can do what for me. Who gives me the most, where can I get the most bang for my buck.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely a hard worker but it was almost always entirely self-serving.  Including in my relationship.  I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some part of me that enjoyed being on top and calling the shots and making sure I got what I needed.  I didn’t realize how long I could hold onto a grudge until I really needed to look at my behavior. 

I needed to take some of my own advice and understand that people communicate and feel differently.  They express their love differently and they receive love differently.  I know I’ve spoken about love languages before but this is like other lessons where sometimes I need to practice what I preach.  I need to take a deeper look at my own behavior. Instead of how do I receive love, it’s also about how can I give love?  How can I give love to those closest to me instead of constantly wearing the armor that says they need to prove their love to me first?  How do I get past the previous hurt, the previous betrayal and understand that there is the possibility that they love me now?  I have learned that when we love ourselves, we understand what love is like from others.  So that begs the question, how do I love myself enough to understand that I am worthy of love as I am and that the right things will naturally come to me?  The right support, guidance, relationships, and purpose. 

I also had to learn that love does indeed show itself in different ways.  For me, partnership, spending time together and attacking problems/goals together is really important.  My partner really enjoys his autonomy, he enjoys receiving things that are meaningful.  The other day we went to a fun little discount shop and I found a chair that I really loved—like perfect for my reading nook.  I was purchasing a bunch of gifts for the holidays so I decided the chair would wait.  We realized that we had forgotten to purchase a $15 chair for our kid when we were there (I accidentally left it at the counter) so I told him we could go back and see if it was still there at some point during the week.  I came home on Monday and found the dream chair in my office.  I was floored.  That was the last thing I had expected—I thought we were going to go together (that partnership thing) because I didn’t want him to have to do it alone.  But finding that surprise when I came home demonstrated exactly how wonderful those type of surprises can be.  It made me realize I need to think outside the box for him and for all the people I love.  Love is also about recognizing what works for the other person, the things they enjoy, the nuances of what they say and what they don’t.  Love is so much more.  It is a two way street.  It is an understanding shared between two people as they are.         

Today I am grateful for gratitude.  I’ve had this low-grade sense of anxiety the last week, the sense that I was about to lose something.  It’s a pattern I have—things go well, I tend to get a little manic and perhaps spend too much, and then the fear of losing it all sets in.  I’ve also been having some issues at work (shocker) and I’ve been recovering from bronchitis/pneumonia so things aren’t totally stable at the moment.  In spite of all that, I haven’t felt BAD.  I haven’t felt the despair of fear that I normally do.  Instead, I looked around my home and I feel SO grateful that I have it.  I feel so grateful that I’ve been able to provide what I have for my family.  I am so grateful that I can still breathe, move, think.  I am grateful I have the gorgeous view of trees outside my window.  I am grateful that I am able to be there for my son.  I am grateful for what is coming in my life.  See, the fear of loss is real, but I’ve come to accept that there is a time for everything.  Sometimes the loss is simply the universe making way for something new.  Being grateful for the flow of this world is how we tap into that.  I am grateful.

Today I am grateful for release.  I mentioned above some of the stressors over the last few weeks and I am grateful to say that my responses to them have been different.  I don’t want to hold onto the fears that have held me back my entire life.  I don’t want to hold on to the thought patterns that aren’t even mine.  I don’t want to put unnecessary pressure on myself when I know in my heart that things have always turned out and they always will turn out.  It’s safe to let go. It’s ok to let go. It’s necessary to let go.  There is joy in release, not a loss of anything.  I don’t need to control it all.  I can accept it and go with it.  There is an enormous amount of relief in putting aside that which weighs us down.  The same things still trigger my mind and fear process, but they don’t linger like they used to.

Today I am grateful for a real emotional check.  I’ve had a “beef” for lack of a better term with an old friend for nearly 4 months now.  Yesterday of all days was the 11/11 portal and I tried my best to embody everything I want to be—letting go of fear, releasing old habits (and habits around fear), trying to have fun and be present.  In doing so, the family found ourselves on an adventure.  We ended up at a friends’ business nearly 45 minutes away after already being out for close to 3 hours in the morning.  When we got there, there was a familiar car in the lot but I figured we were so far away there was no way it could be the person we knew.  Sure as hell when we walked in, she was there working her side business.  I felt immediate irritation that she was there because we were having a great day and I was really not wanting to deal with anything that would potentially ruin that.  About an hour after we left, I felt like I was still off so I started digging.  I realized that I was jealous.  She was out there doing her thing while my stuff hasn’t taken off and I feel like I need to be doing more.  It’s true that I need to have more focus, but I was jealous that this venture seemed so easy for her.  I realized after a time it’s a good thing to see people in similar circumstances to what we want because we can be on that same wavelength.  I can attract the same success and opportunities.

Today I am grateful for a reminder that this is in my hands.  A follow up to the emotional check is that I have to remember what is within my control.  It isn’t my responsibility to make people feel a certain way, it’s my job to respect my boundaries and uphold them for others to respect as well.  The things I want still require work.  They still require effort and focus.  They require the correct effort.  That is all coming, I don’t fear that.  I just need the clarity for the next step.  I know that too will come, I just have to trust.  Trust self, trust the plan.  I have a say in what comes next.  What we send out to the universe is what we get back.  I’m happy to be in the same energy of entrepreneurs, I’m happy to share what I know, share my story, I’m happy to help others how I can.  I want to be the type of person who gives without expectation or fear.  In order to be that person, I need to be that person.  I can attract more by starting to give now.  The reality I’m looking for is just on the other side of this little bit of lasting fear. 

Today I am grateful for the infinite reminder of support and options in my life.  I tend to isolate a lot, mainly because I don’t like feeling like I have to maintain a constant show/façade in front of people.  I also like to think that I can figure most things out.  I am always a success in progress and that means I need to know when I can’t do it on my own.  There are people with more experience, there are people who have a different perspective, there are people who need to figure it out at the same time.  Even when I’m not feeling the greatest, there are still people who care about me and have their arms open.  I’m also grateful to remember that none of this is permanent.  There are a multitude of solutions to all the circumstances I find myself in.  I don’t need to settle or stick with anything that doesn’t align.  There are people who will help with that shift.  Even at my lowest, no matter how scary a bottom I can imagine, there are people in my life who will not let me sink.  That support means the world.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“You have to go out of your mind to find yourself,” JR Ridinger.  As I’ve been working on these pieces today, I’ve had several signs pointing to silence.  We tend to be uncomfortable with silence—I think on some level we are afraid of what we will find there.  I know for some it’s a matter of boredom or they don’t see the value in it.  But the truth is, silence is a gateway.  In a society that encourages us to go and be connected and be distracted all the time, connecting with the truth of who we are is becoming more and more elusive.  It’s becoming more and more challenging to find our voice in a world that is constantly suggesting we are less than or that we need to prove ourselves or our achievements are what determine our worth.  I want to caveat that and suggest that it isn’t all true all the time: we have at the same time an increasing awareness that something isn’t quite right, that we may be able to do something differently.  So while there are many distractions, there are also those who are standing against the norm.  These are the ones who already know the main point of this message: the answers we need are rarely outside of ourselves.  They may be outside the box for sure, but that answer truly lies within.  It often means less doing, and more listening, more feeling.

This is also a good PSA to avoid that overwhelm we spoke about yesterday.  I know that people often use busyness as a coping mechanism.  They feel that they are measured by how much they are doing and how much they produce.  The truth is our value comes from within.  If we settle the mind long enough to connect to the truth of who we are then we start to see that there are other ways that work for us better than anything people have told us to do so far.  This world is about creation and expansion, it is that simple.  Expansion doesn’t happen when we all live the same lives over and over.  We aren’t meant to be copies of each other.  We are meant to explore and share ideas and make space for something bigger.  We can only do that when we get in touch with the truth of who we are and support that version to break free and share that light.  We can literally go through life on autopilot thinking we are doing the right thing because it’s what others have done before us for countless generations.  Most of us feel some sort of emptiness at that.  I know I get frustrated wasting my days doing the same thing on repeat.  I also know that sitting here complaining about it or even simply thinking about it isn’t enough to change it—we must act on it.

Now, I know JR’s quote at the beginning is about more action and less introspection but I say we need both.  If we don’t take the time to find silence and connect with our purpose then we don’t know the steps we have to take to get out of the box.  We need to develop some sense of strength and a sense of vision and that means connecting with ourselves first.  Sometimes that does mean taking a leap and trying new things to figure out what works.  Sometimes it is a matter of sitting quietly and toying with the idea of something different.  Either way, we need to find what brings us closer to that purpose.  I do agree with JR that the proof is in the pudding so to speak and we need to move at some point.  We can’t sit in a constant state of contemplation and expect to get different results.  Only action can do that.  The point is that action begins with thinking something else, it means connecting with what feels right and then following it to the next level.  Once we know who we are, the action becomes effortless.  Take the journey, the leap into who we are.  Find it and hold onto it.  Allow ourselves to do that so we can fulfill our purpose and expand.  We create space for others to do the same.  That is the ultimate goal. 

“If you continually get overwhelmed over and over again it’s because you’re not aware of your capacity and you push past it [by not addressing it].  Procrastination takes part of your capacity (because you’re thinking about it over and over again) until it’s done,” Rob Dyrdek.  This is a good follow up to yesterday’s piece about emotion.  Overwhelm is an emotion we choose as well because we always have the option to address the work now and the more we put it off, the longer it hangs over our heads.  Adress the issue now so you don’t waste time and capacity thinking about what still needs to be done.  The constant “needing” to do something will always sit with us until the activity is done.  We don’t need to get hung up on waiting for something, for the right time.  If we just act now we clear up space for the future.  It’s our job to manage our overwhelm and our feelings and to appreciate the feelings of a barometer of what we actually need to do.  Feelings are always a good compass.

We can’t allow ourselves to get so distracted by what we have to do that we don’t actually do anything. We can’t lie under the guise that we can do it all—I mean, we can but that doesn’t mean it will all get done to its fullest potential or to the capacity where it can fulfill its purpose.  Sometimes we simply have to sit there and do a hard look at what is really important in our lives and make the decision about what needs to be addressed—and then we have to get to work.  It really is that simple.  I know that isn’t always easy because we’ve operated under the misconception of what our real priorities are for so long that shifting them to something that steers us toward our goals feels uncomfortable.  But when we strip away the unnecessary, the distractions, when we pause even for just a little while, the noise begins to quiet.  The dust begins to settle and suddenly there is some clarity.  We are all capable of great things and so many of us don’t operate on that level simply because we are clouded with pushing things off or the fear of starting.  Don’t let life become a daunting chunk of “have-to’s” or “I wish I did” or even focusing on the wrong thing.

It may seem like we don’t have time for the things we want to do—hell it sometimes feels like we don’t have time for the things we need to do—but when we settle and discover what truly needs our attention, suddenly there is an abundance of time.  There is this long now that stretches before us and suddenly the doing doesn’t even feel like work.  It feels like an aligned series of steps.  Things are drawn to us and we reflect light, we share our talents, our goals, and we fulfill our purpose.  We can only do that if we put aside that which doesn’t serve and we start addressing what needs our attention.  That is the secret to eliminating overwhelm: get rid of what doesn’t need attention.  Don’t create a list of things that don’t need to be done simply because someone tells us it’s important.  If it has no value, then it is something we can consider taking off your list.  When we start to get some clarity, the path starts to open up and the steps become evident.  Don’t push past the feelings: start to ask if it’s something that really needs our attention.  Break the habit of needing to do anything and step into what aligns.  That’s when the distraction goes away and the steps become clear.    

The amazing thing about life is we get to feel.  The fact that we can feel and experience anything is a phenomenal gift and I don’t think that we take enough time to understand that experience of feeling.  We rest in our thoughts and feelings but we don’t take the time to wonder at them.   When we really look at our lives, do we allow ourselves the experience to appreciate that we were brave enough to live?  The whole point of these essays, this work in general  is to encourage people to take the leap toward self-realization on the path of who they actually are.  In order to do that we need to honor the fact that we have these thoughts and emotions and are able to process things and make decisions.  For a long time I know I didn’t like my feelings and then I went the other way and felt them too much—I mean I collapsed into anything I was feeling in the moment and fixated intensely.  But when we let go and we let life be life, amazing things happen and we understand the amazing gifts in life.

Now I know that feeling is a sort of super power.  While we all do it, not many people are emotionally intelligent enough to use it correctly.  I used to use feelings as a barometer of how I should act around people—and I know fellow people pleasers out there know what this about.  Then I started to understand that people’s behavior really stemmed from their feelings, typically insecurity or fears.  I wish I could say that made me patient, but it didn’t.  It absolutely made me understanding of where these individuals came from and why they did what they did, but I would lose patience because THEY didn’t understand that.  They would continue along their way without checking their own behavior oblivious to what it did to others.  So then I went the other way and I spent too much time tailoring my behavior to what others wanted in some weird attempt at being an example.  It only made me a martyr.  As I’ve progressed in this work, I understand there is a middle ground.  We can understand people and hold them accountable but it isn’t our job to enforce their responsibility.  We are meant to use our feelings as a beacon to open people up to what they feel and to understand that. 

How bland would this life be if we didn’t feel anything at all?  Not feeling appreciation, or love, or hope, or excitement, or the anger of injustice.  We’d sit here numb to all of it, not responsive to anything.  We need to understand that we can’t make people feel the same way about things that we do.  Their experience and context tell a different story than ours.  That doesn’t mean that we need to stop what we feel. We need to lean into how we feel and make the decision on how we use that.  I don’t want to waste a second of my time not feeling the magic of something.  The breath in my lungs and the air on my face, the heat of a fire in the fall and the burn of creative energy inside, the solidness of the Earth beneath me and the stability of follow through, the cleansing of water and learning to be in flow.  I also wouldn’t change the gift of being able to understand what people are feeling and learning to communicate with them based on where they are at.  Feeling is a gift.  Feeling and support and love and trust are all the drivers forward.  They are the pillars that move us into who we are at our core.  We just need to have enough belief in that feeling to trust it.  And I know now that if we feel it, it is meant for us.  Believe.               

Why is it people think they don’t need to check on the strong ones?  This isn’t my question, I saw it on my feed the other day and it got me thinking.  We’ve been talking about healing, perspective, worth, etc. for a long time now.  In that healing, we’ve had to discover patterns and reasons for behaviors, some of which we need to accept aren’t ours to begin with.  The defense mechanisms we learn and adopt as children become the habits we have as adults and sometimes those turn into obstacles we need to overcome.  I’ve said it a million times here: we aren’t meant to carry the weight of those who came before us.  We aren’t meant to add to the walls around us.  We certainly weren’t created to isolate and do it all on our own.  We operate under this misconception that we need to do it on our own to prove some sort of strength or worth.  The reality is that only creates false ideas and perceptions such as idolizing people and thinking they have it all or that they can do it all.

The greatest successes come from a unit, a web or system of support.  While we all have things we are remarkably great at, the truth is that most of us are great at wearing a façade.  I’ve often asked what would happen if we simply let the facades fall away. What would happen with that level of vulnerability?  What greatness would emerge in the world from simply creating a place where we all shared the best versions of who we are?  The absolute highest potential of what we could do without competition?  Competition started as a means of survival and evolved into sport and now we continue it as a way to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.  What if we let go of the competition as well?  I think we’d discover that there is joy in the softness and that the need to be strong emotionally was far overrated.  That isn’t to say I want people falling apart at the seams, we need a modicum of emotional control.  But we can put aside the air that we have to do it all alone and that we are always strong. 

I know I’ve been afraid to reach out to certain people because they seemed like they had it together on so many levels.  I created this separation between us, a hierarchy, that created distance because I put them above me.  I know I’ve been told that people have been afraid to reach out to me for the same reasons.  We are trained to make judgements based on what we see and take action based on that interpretation.  We don’t necessarily know what’s actually happening behind the scenes in someone’s life.  The truth is we are all neurotic messes playing the same game and the more we wake up to it, the more we shed the necessity to isolate or create divides between us.  We are better when we connect.  Sometimes the people who appear to have it together the most are the ones who are barely holding it together.  Let’s learn to withhold judgement and ask the questions instead.  You never know when someone simply needs an ear—and we may be surprised to find when we need one as well.  We all need someone at some point, even the ones who look like they have it all together. 

You’re special as you are, even if you don’t believe it now.  I saw this in context to a woman having a panic attack and her significant other comforting her at the height of the event.  Human beings live with something called the recency bias which is the thought that the way things are is how they will always be.  I haven’t done enough research to know where that comes from, but I know we all know that feeling of the bad day settling over us and we think this is simply how it will always be.  In those moments we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, we are most likely to start repeating patterns and thoughts we know—we default to current neural wiring. If we’ve spent our lives thinking we are nothing and other negative things, that spiral is where we find ourselves.  We have to keep perspective—and as someone who deals with anxiety I know how hard that is—that what is in front of us doesn’t have to stay the same.

We need to reconcile what we feel with what we know.  Emotions are some of the most powerful forces on Earth.  They determine how we react and all variety of next moves we make.  The ability to monitor, manage, and master our emotions makes all the difference in the world.  Keeping the belief that all is well and that what is coming is greater than what we left behind, knowing that our worth isn’t determined by other’s opinions, trusting that our inner guidance will get us where we need to go and we will know what to do with it are all key.  The biggest lesson we need to remember is that the story we tell ourselves is the story we play out.  More important is knowing that we can change that story at any time.  We don’t cope well with the idea that we are enough in a society that thinks competing for the same things and who acquires the most is what determines who we are.  We don’t only deal with recency bias, we deal with a sort of mob mentality where we have to go with what everyone tells us.  It’s an act of rebellion to go against the norm. 

The bottom line is that no one can tell us what we feel or set the limit on who we are unless we let them.  No one can tell our story unless we let them.  No one can see our future, and even if they think they can, we are under no obligation to follow that road no matter who they are.  We are at the helm.  As we talked about yesterday, we can change that narrative and shift that direction at any time.  We just have to believe we can and we need to believe in the power of our ability to be who we are meant to be.  We create those moments, the opportunities, the light at the end of the tunnel and we make them real by taking action on them.  We are all special.  We are all worth it.  We all have unique abilities that need to be celebrated and recognized.  One difficult moment doesn’t determine the course of the rest of our lives unless we let it.  It is no different than a positive moment changing our lives—if we don’t act on it then nothing happens.  The choice is ours and we need to remember that now isn’t forever and the results come from what we choose to act on.